It’s been too long. I know that. You know that. But I’m still here, I’m still breathing and this part of me still exists. I’m at a crossroads. If there’s still any of you left out there then I’d like to ask a favour.
Could you please read what I have posted on Reddit and let me know what you think.
Whatever the outcome of this decision I think it’s safe to say that you will be hearing and seeing a bit more of me in the near future.
Monday, 18 March 2013
15:41
Sorry if snow related puns ruin your day, there’s snow more, honest.
I have been putting off this entry in the hope that I would get some good news from the GIC soon. But alas, ‘soon’ appears to be a word that is seldom used at the clinic.
Here’s the current situation: My second appointment was due on the 18th January. Unfortunately the god of weather decided I’d be better off staying in and began dumping inch upon inch of snow onto the unsuspecting ground. Now, in case you didn’t know the UK as a whole does not react well to the white stuff. Cancellations and amended timetables were the order of the day at the train station, but that didn’t really matter because getting to the train station was hard enough in itself. Bearing in mind it takes me over three hours in total to get to the clinic, there was snow chance that I was going to get there in time, if indeed I got there.
So I phoned them up and postponed it. I did it as soon as I could that day, but due to their high cancellation rates and the ‘NHS Guidelines’ you are supposed to give 48 hours notice. This had me concerned as I really didn’t want to have to go through the whole GP, psychiatrist treatment again. I also sent in the letter of cancellation (which they require) and basically since then I’ve been left in the dark.
I’ve been trying to get through to them the past few weeks, but they’ve either been busy or engaged, sometimes immediately after each other which is peculiar. But thankfully last week I broke through and got to speak to someone. I asked about my appointment and she reassured me that they had received my letter and my appointment would be rearranged, but she did not specify a timeframe.
It has been two months since I was supposed to have my appointment and I wouldn’t have heard a thing from them if I hadn’t phoned them myself. Is this what they are like? I was under the impression that once you are an actual patient of the clinic things started moving a little quicker. Maybe I was being optimistic.
The other result of this is that the Finasteride which I had started a course on, has since finished and I have been unable to continue it until it’s cleared by Dr. Lorimer.
So there you go. I’ve found the right road to head down, but unfortunately it’s covered in snow and the only people with a snow shovel are withholding it.
In other news, news I failed to mention last time; I have a nice new written warning from work. Just like the time I stole a turkey but didn’t. Only this time I had a debilitating illness and couldn’t breathe properly. I think it’s only fair I’m punished for that, no? The written warning basically means that for 12 months I won’t get a pay rise or a bonus if we get one at all.
Because I was off longer than is allowed and because my illness isn’t underlying, I have been issued with a big smack round the ear hole. Gotta love absence policies.
Well since then I have written up a letter to Head Office explaining my situation and my unhappiness about it. It shall be sent today and I really hope I get a reply from it. I doubt anything will actually change because of it, but I just feel like I wanted to share my personal experience with their policies and what I felt about it.
In other, other news. Pictures! I have got quite a few ready to upload that I have taken since my last update. A lot of them were taken with my iPad and therefore aren’t quite as clear. To be honest though, the lack of pixels sure makes it easier to achieve a smooth complexion! Also you may notice that I have a new wig or two. Well, eagle eyes, you are correct. I bought a couple near the end of last year and these few sets comprise mostly of those. I’ve gotta say it, blonde does seem to suit me quite well, or at least I think so. I did used to be blonde after all.
So there you go, my life over the past few months, condensed and thrown across a web page for you all to peruse. My song of the moment is actually really more of my album of the moment. That album would be “Tales from the Thames Delta” by The Milk. This song is basically just one of my favourites from that album. They’re a great band and there’s really snow-one like them out there at the moment.
Night! X
Snow.
Sunday, 23 September 2012
22:48
It’s funny how trains make me feel nervous every time I use them. The same way that I associate airports with holidays, I relate trains with importance. If I’m on a train I’m probably doing something that’s pretty memorable or different, going to a new place or meeting people I’ve never met before. This last time was no different.
I took the train down to the fine city of London for my visit to the Gender Clinic last Thursday. This time I had rung up the day before to be sure my appointment hadn’t been cancelled… again, which it hadn’t thankfully, so I was happy about that but at the same time quite scared. This time it was actually going to happen. It has been a long time coming, not all of it due to waiting list times, some of it was due to my unavailability as well, but finally the day was here. Have I built it up enough yet? I think so.
So I had an appointment with Dr. Stuart Lorimer. I hope he doesn’t mind me naming him, I really don’t see why he would. Well I guess he may do if I started saying I thought he was an asshole, but he absolutely was not akin to any kind of human orifice whatsoever. He’s a really nice guy. He immediately put me at ease, he was friendly, he listened, and I felt like I could really open up with him. The appointment was basically another assessment of my case, as my first one was now several years ago. He just wanted to know if anything had changed between now and then. So there were all of the sorts of questions you’d expect. When did it all start? Who have you told? How did they react? Those sorts of things. One thing I was scared of was that he’d be constantly judging me, trying to read my thoughts or something, but if he was doing that, he was doing it very subtly!
So that hour passed by pretty quickly. I actually came away from it being incredibly relieved and happy. It is always good to get something off your chest anyway, but when it’s something that’s been there for as long as you can remember, and they completely understand what I mean, it feels fantastic!
I have a second assessment in January, so until then it’s pretty much back to how it was for the moment. I made a decision from that meeting that I am going to have to talk straight with my parents pretty soon to see where we all stand on the matter now. It’s been out there a while, it’s been given the chance to sink in, so hopefully any rage or upset will have subsided, but we will see I guess. Hopefully it’s not the sort of thing that festers over time, but even if it is we should probably get it out sooner rather than later anyway.
Lastly, Dr. Lorimer suggested I start on Finasteride due to my rapidly retreating hairline. Pretty much all of the older males in my family have long since lost the vast majority of their hair so he’s suggesting I start Finasteride to combat it. I am greatly considering it, but would be curious to hear some stories from people that may have used it in the past or are on it currently. I know most people probably don’t want to hear that the girl they see in the pictures on here is having issues with Male Pattern Baldness but I want to be as honest as possible without shaming myself!
Also lastly and actually unrelated to my trip down London town, at work we have just started employing a whole host of new people. I mention this because, now I’m not 100% on this, but I think one of the new starters could be a transsexual woman. Now this affects me in a few ways. First of all, excellent, my employer is happy to accept this (not that they really have a choice) so that bodes well for me if I wished to stay if I transition. Secondly, excellent, I may have someone very close to home that I can talk about all this and not be worried of repercussions. Thirdly, how do I go about introducing myself to her whilst remaining ‘undercover’? And fourthly, what if she recognises me? Now normally I wouldn’t expect her to. I mean it’s not like I’m immediately recognisable to every transsexual in Britain because I do this blog and post a few flickr pictures. My ego isn’t that swollen…yet. But it’s just the way she’s been looking at me. I don’t know, there’s a sort of hidden knowledge in her eyes. Yes I’m probably being paranoid. But let me just do this…
If you are this woman and know who I am; Hi! Sorry I’ve not come and greeted you properly. I’m sure you’ll understand as to why. I would very much like to chat with you but for the moment could it just be from the comfort of respective computer chairs? So if you do know and you want a chat then leave me a comment (please don’t feel like you have to!). However if you don’t know me, then you won’t be here reading this and I’ll be speaking to literally nobody at all. Hell, you might not even be transsexual; I may have missed the mark completely. Either way, I hope you enjoy working with us and I truly hope that you don’t get any sort of ‘hate’ related issues. It’s not so much the staff I’m worried about, it’s the minority of rude customers I’d be more concerned about. They can be devastatingly offensive given the option.
Anyway, that is about it from me today. I feel I have said enough!
Song of the Moment: Photosynthesis by Frank Turner.
It’s not so much just this song it’s all of his stuff. I’ve only recently discovered him and I’m having a bit of a secret love affair with him. Don’t tell Sarah.
Night! X
Tuesday 28th August 2012
13:09
I’m still not back at work. I have been signed off for the whole of this week, and then I’m on holiday next week. The thing is though I’m almost well enough to go back to work. I can walk around without getting too out of breath now, I just can’t do anything much more than that, and unfortunately my job requires much more than that. I’m tempted to just have this week off and spend my weeks holiday making sure I’m properly rested and return to work fresh faced and eager(ish) the following week. If I make myself go back early then it might screw up my holiday if I don’t handle it very well. I just feel like I should be back and feel guilty for being off really.
So my holiday next week, if I am feeling alright, is going to be a cottage in Cornwall. We’re only going for a few days, but I’m very much looking forward to it. Since I’ve been with Sarah we’ve only ever holidayed abroad, which is great and all, but there’s a beauty to Devon and Cornwall that’s unmatchable. I cannot wait to get onto that beach and watch that sunset over the sea taking in the scents of the salty sea air. Maybe even with a cheeky fish and chips. It has to be done. It is the British way!
Actually about that; I’ve never felt more proud to be British than I have this year. We have had a fantastic unforgettable year. All the sport, Andy Murray reaching the Wimbledon final, Bradley Wiggins winning the Tour de France, England doing sort of ok in the Euros, and of course the whole of the Olympics. Not only did we host both a stunning opening ceremony and closing ceremony, we also did pretty damn well at the actual events as well, ending third in the medal table. And then there were all the Diamond Jubilee celebrations, all the concerts, the street parties, seeing the Queen passing through our city, it was just amazing.
I may need to stick the national anthem on and cry a proud tear. Excuse me. Actually “Land of Hope and Glory” is better, let’s put that on. That one gives me the chills. Seriously how is this not the national anthem?
Anyway, went off on a bit of a tangent there. It’s just been a good year to be British; I felt it needed to be said. Hopefully the Paralympics will also be a good watch.
More on topic, it’s worth mentioning that I did take some more pictures over the last few days, so you can expect to see them up some time in the future. I will upload the last of the ones from April and a teaser for these new ones!
This may well be my last entry before my appointment next month, so wish me luck. I will of course let you know how it went. Until then, thanks for reading!
Night! X
Wednesday 22nd August 2012
10:29
Twice in one week?! You better believe it buddy!
I’ve just uploaded some of my April pictures to Flickr, there are more to come. Also there may well be some more from this week. While I am actually unfit to work, I should be fit enough to do a mini photo shoot.
Also I’ve had a few wigs through this morning. I’ve decided against human hair wigs for now, I can’t really justify the price of them, so I just got some fairly decent synthetic wigs. They actually feel really good, hopefully they look good on me, you’ll have to judge for yourself in like four months when I upload them! I will try my best to get some up this week. I won’t ruin the surprise by telling you the styles, but I will say that one in particular is unlike any I’ve owned before. One thing I have to make sure I do this time is care for them properly though. All but one of my old ones I’ve had to throw out just because they became matted and disgusting looking. Now I know why the care instructions don’t say ‘stuff clumsily into your bottom drawer’. I’ve ordered a couple of wig stands so that will help, there’s just the problem of keeping them out of the sight of prying eyes.
I went back to the doctors yesterday. They think I have the start of tonsillitis. I’ve had laryngitis before and I get the feeling they’re pretty similar. I can’t wait until I get the whole set, I can start placing houses and hotels on them then.
Basically it hurts to swallow, so I have to take a tonne of penicillin, paracetamol, ibuprofen and ‘difflam’ spray now. I feel like a drug dealer, except for the fact I’m the one taking it all. Like a drug dealer with a bad business model then I guess.
I have to go back in a couple of days and the doctor said if I’m not improving by then, I might have to go up to the hospital. She took a mouth swab which she is going to send off to check that it isn’t anything ‘exotic’ as she called it. I hope I do improve, but I have to be honest, I’m really loving not going into work. I don’t find the time to do this blog when I work. Granted I’d probably get pretty bored quite quickly, and I will say that the days all seem to merge together as well, but overall I’m still loving it.
I’m also supposed to be on holiday the week after next, so I’m not really that inclined to try and return to work before that. If I’m off until then I basically get a free week of recovery.
The one thing I’m not happy about though (apart from the whole pain thing) is that my workplace does not respond well to genuine illness. In a nutshell if I’m off more than three times in about three months, no matter how long for, you ‘trigger’. Also if you’re off for more than eight shifts in six months you will ‘trigger’ as well. Triggering basically means you will have to go to a meeting with your manager where they will pretty much always give you a written warning. Written warnings mean you won’t get any pay rises or bonuses for a year. This, in my opinion is a bit extreme. Granted I’ve only ever worked at this place, so this could be the same for many companies, but I don’t know, my family seems to think it’s unfair. I mean any company that punishes someone for having a genuine illness seems unfair.
Still, I guess I’m lucky to have a job at all in this climate, right?! Right?! It doesn’t stop me from disliking it though. I would love a different job, my problem is not knowing what I want to do, and not having any qualifications in whatever it is that I want to do.
Well I’ll leave it there. Here are those pictures!
Night! X
Monday 20th August 2012
11:13
I’m not entirely sure why I still type the precise time I start my blog entries, it’s not like I have multiple entries per day any more is it? Multiple entries in a year is quite the achievement these days. I guess it’s just force of habit. Or that I don’t like change…
Here I am again. For someone that really enjoys writing, this is too rare an occurrence. I think I’ve worked out why though. I’m ashamed. I’m ashamed I’ve not lived up to everything I promised myself when I was younger. Even if it were possible I’m not sure I could look my past self in the eyes now. I also feel the same for those of you that read this. A fair number of people have messaged me in the past telling me that I have been an influence on their decision to act on their feelings, and I feel that by not doing much myself I have lied to them. And I hate lying.
I should summarise what’s been going on since my last entry really, it’ll probably give you an indication as to why I’m feeling quite so down.
My Nan passed away last month. She was 97, which is a fantastic age to reach, but it doesn’t change the fact that she’s not here anymore. I have a few regrets from her passing. I wish I’d seen her more often, I wish I told her I loved her more than I did. Because I did. A lot. She didn’t know about me and I’m glad she didn’t. She was born into a very different world than I was and she would not have understood. It was better her not knowing.
Her passing has made a bit of an affect on me though. She was my last grandparent. It marks the end of an era. I am no longer a grandchild, only a child. There’s only the one generation above me now. Which means I should be thinking of beginning a generation below me doesn’t it? Well, children are something I’ve never really addressed on here before; in many ways I’ve not felt old enough up until now. But do I want kids? Yes. Not yet, but yes. The real question though, is do I want to be a Mother or a Father. It’s another question I don’t know the answer to.
If I had been born female I’d have been the happiest mother. As a male though, do I want my child to go through the issues of having a mother that used to be someone’s son? It’s a lot for kids to deal with, and as I always say I only want what is right for me as long as it isn’t wrong for someone else.
I guess these are issues that I can blurt out at the GIC next month. Yes, that’s right they moved my appointment back another month. Honestly I don’t mind, but I will start to mind if this coming appointment doesn’t materialize.
I am also currently off work ill. My girlfriend had a chest infection that was obviously so lovely she didn’t want to keep it all to herself. So now I’m basically housebound; walking anywhere further than the bathroom causes me to get very short of breath and dizzy. Sarah’s gone back to work today so I’m spending my alone time updating here.
So, now that I have all that out of my system, lets move onto better things.
I am currently in the market for a new wig. My hair was cut in a tragic planned appointment several months ago, and looking back at pictures before that I think my hair looked terrible in the state I kept it. I would love to grow it out and style it but as I’m still ‘undercover’ I can’t do that. So a new wig. I’ve looked around the internet for human hair wigs, and whilst everything about them appeals but the price, I’ve heard some people saying that a good synthetic wig is better. I’d just like to hear some opinions. Also some style options. I love the wig below, but apparently the website it is on is basically a scam site and many people have reported not receiving their goods and if they have, it being a less than stellar quality. So I’d like something like that on a reputable site.
Also I’m now on tvChix. My username is EllaUK. If you’re interested in going out to a club somewhere local then by all means leave me a message, I’ll do my best to get back to you. I would love to go out at least once a month as Ella, but we’ll have to see.
Well, thanks for reading again, I’ll look at uploading some pictures later in the week. There’s still some from April I haven’t got up.
Night! X
Friday 4th May 2012
00:59
My next appointment is in August. They did offer me an earlier appointment but it’s pretty difficult to get a day off at work at such short notice. I’m ok with this. It’s not the clinic’s fault that my place of work is remarkably intolerant of their employees doing anything but work. In fact, work is right now the issue that has been occupying my mind most recently.
I’m going to try and sum this up as quickly and concisely as I can, but it’s pretty complicated, so please bear with me.
There are three tiers of employees at my work that you first need to be aware of. It may be a standard across many areas of work, I don’t know, I’ve only pretty much done this job. So for clarification purposes I’m just going to say them. There are Customer Assistants, Coordinators and Managers. I am, as you may have surmised, a customer assistant. My coordinator is a great guy, real nice and everything, it’s just he’s not the best. About a year ago he got demoted from manager and he’s been a less than stellar coordinator since then. No offence to the guy. If you’re reading this, I apologise, but I doubt that what I’ve just said is going to be his main concern once he sees my pictures and videos! As with almost all of my colleagues, he does not know about me.
Anyway, more recently he had been off ill for quite an extensive period of time with a slipped disk that may or may not have been sustained at work. Therefore my work was cautious to force him out of his position. They didn’t fully believe that his injury was all that it was cracked up to be, if you excuse the expression. Frankly, they had reason to as well, because whilst off ill, he had managed to acquire himself a job elsewhere. During his time off I had been elected to fill his shoes and I was happy to receive both the extra responsibilities and more importantly, extra pay. My manager was happy with me in that position and often mentioned how I was better than the actual coordinator. Eventually the ‘real’ coordinator came back, but only temporarily, as he came armed with his leaving notice.
A week passed and we said goodbye to the coordinator. It wasn’t all that long before my manager pulled me aside and asked if I’d be interested in his job permanently.
“Yes” was the general gist of my response.
Unfortunately though, the week before he left I had applied to another store as a coordinator there as it wasn’t 100% clear that there would be a position available to me at my current store. So I’d hedged my bets and just gone for it. My interview was due just after this other guy left. I went. I failed.
Things changed quite quickly after that. Apparently because the interview was a company standard, the same result applied at my current store, meaning I couldn’t then apply for another promotion for another six months. It’s funny how a fake role play session in an interview room holds more importance than the actual real world job which I’d previously been praised on.
The worst part is, if I hadn’t had gone for this other job first, I’d have had my interview in my current store with people that know me and the standard that I work to and they’d have probably just passed me on that alone. So my over enthusiasm for the job role ended up meaning I didn’t get it.
No wait, the worst part is that the reason they gave me for not passing the interview was simply because I was “too vague”, which ironically is a bit too vague in itself. During the role play I kept asking her if she understood, and everything was clear, and she said she was fine at the time. Then apparently looking back she decided I wasn’t clear enough and failed me. That wouldn’t happen in the real world. If I was being vague, the employee would have asked more questions at the time rather than going off and realising they didn’t know what to do.
No, actually the worst part is that I’ve previously passed this assessment before, but because I was suspected of stealing turkeys a few years ago I didn’t get the job then. So now I’m just heading backwards. I’m apparently not even as good as I was three years ago.
So since then, I’ve been dropped back down to customer assistant. I’ve also decided to apply to a different section altogether, just to get a change of scenery and get away from the people that I was in charge of. My current manager wasn’t exactly too happy about me leaving, but he couldn’t stop me. I don’t blame him for my predicament, it isn’t his fault at all, but he has been a little over-reliant on me and my flexibility recently. No that’s not a euphemism.
So I applied and got this job in the other section, which I’m pretty happy about as it gives me a lot more free time in the evenings and afternoons. My current manager and his manager have since offered me a different position on my current section, but I’m just not happy to continue down there any more. I’ve given so much, been promised so much and been delivered so little down there that I just wanted to get out of it.
So there you go. There’s my essay about how work has been treating me recently. I will say this; there are far worse things that can happen to you at work, and I’m not for a second saying what I’ve been through has been all that terrible. Hell if I ever come out at work I can probably tell you some of those stories, but until then I just have these quite unfortunate series of events to complain and whinge about!
Night! X
Friday, 24th February 2012
00:37
I feel it is almost pointless to even acknowledge my lack of entries at this point. Finding the time to sit down and pour out my thoughts is unfortunately decreasing at a steady rate. I will not, however, stop updating completely. I would like to think that with more things happening in my life in the near future that I’ll find I’ll have more to write about. Sometimes it isn’t that I simply don’t have the time; it’s more that I actually haven’t done anything of particular interest.
But you will be pleased to know that since last August I have done some things of particular interest.
First off, I went to the Gender Identity Clinic down London way last Monday. I had to swap my day at work, and fortunately they didn’t ask too many questions as to why. There were a few queries of innocent wonder, but my girlfriend and I decided to tell them that I was going to the doctors, and that it wasn’t in our town, but that it had something to do with a “downstairs area”. I find that this method is both a good conversation stopper and not a complete fabrication, so you can say it with some conviction!
So yes anyway, by the Sunday night I knew what day it was booked, where it was, but unfortunately only the approximate time. I knew it was 10 something, so that was enough for me to book the ridiculously over-priced train tickets. Meanwhile, Sarah helped me look for the original appointment letter to find the exact time. Organisation isn’t exactly a strong point of mine you see. Well I couldn’t find it, I was getting tired and irritable so I just said I’d ring the clinic on the train to find out the exact time. It wouldn’t be the end of the world. But just as I was getting into bed Sarah did find it and all was right in the world once more.
There is a point to me telling you this by the way. It’s not just a simple, we couldn’t find it, but then we found it story. They’re not wholly interesting on their own.
So I woke up early ready for a big day. Got on the train and sat on it for 2 or so hours, listening to music and podcasts to try and ease the butterflies in my stomach. I got to London, sat on the Underground for another half an hour or so, walked the ½ a mile or so to the clinic, buzzed myself in and spoke to the receptionist.
“Name please”
I gave them my name.
“…..”
I waited patiently.
“…..”
I continued waiting patiently.
“Bear with me a minute”
So she went and fetched a woman from the back room. I looked into her eyes and immediately understood who she was. She was the ‘bad news’ lady.
“Urm, yes. The doctor you are booked with is off ill today…”
My face may have been a picture at this point, I do not know, but I am nothing if not polite, so I took the news well. After all it probably wasn’t their fault. Right?! My work often requires me to be the ‘bad news’ person, and it pretty much is never my fault. I wasn’t about to get angry at these people. Above all else, it’s just not me.
So she then goes on to tell me that I’ll have to rebook my appointment. She didn’t mention how long it will take, but I’m fairly convinced it will be around the same amount of time as it was to get my first appointment; about 6 months.
The one bit of good news she did have, though, was that they would pay for my train fare down there, which I think is pretty fair.
So there we go. I was in and out of there quicker than a trip to the toilet. I then had to head to the main hospital to collect my train fare money and afterwards I headed off back home.
I’d just like to point out that the above transcript is likely to be fairly different to what actually happened, but the main points are in there. I’d also like to make it clear that each of the people that I spoke to were incredibly polite, friendly and welcoming. I have no issues what-so-ever with the people that dealt with me. I am however not very happy that I wasn’t informed about my doctor being off ill before-hand and the fact that my name did not even appear on the appointment list. I believe that I’m not being too unreasonable to think that. This is after all the second time something like this has happened to me in three appointments.
The most irritating thing of the day though was the fact that if Sarah hadn’t found that appointment letter the night before, I’d have found out that my appointment was cancelled when I rang them whilst on the train and I could have saved myself a good five hours sitting on my bum doing nothing!
Oh well, hey. It’s not the end of the world. It’s just a little clerical hiccup. I shan’t let it get to me.
So there we go, that’s a quick update of where I stand at the moment. I have other things that I wanted to talk about as well, but the GIC appointment has taken up quite a lot of room. That’s ok though, hopefully having a subject to talk about will make me come back quicker to bring you another update.
Night! X
Monday, 29 August 2011
00:03
It’s been the best part of two months since you last heard from me, but I am happy to admit that I am doing well, generally speaking.
A couple of things worth mentioning: I received a letter from the GIC (Gender Identity Clinic) in London with, essentially, an acceptance letter. I just had to send off my details within four weeks to register myself there. Apparently they get a lot of people that contact them asking for appointments that don’t actually get followed through, so they have to be vigilant of things like that.
So I sent off my details and last week I got another letter through confirming my first appointment. It will take place next February. I’d heard various stories about the length of time it took to get an appointment there, but this is about what I expected really. This is only one of the very first steps still and with the amount of cancellations and no-show-ers they must get I would expect this stage to be one of the fastest.
So yeah, that’s happening. I’m happy I’m finally doing something physical about this, but I’m not going to lie; I’m fricking scared! This is quite unlike anything I’ve ever done before, and I’d imagine most people that get these appointments can say something similar. I do still wonder if this is the right thing for me, I mean, I’ve been a lot less upset recently. Like I used to have times when it all got too much and I’d just break down, but that hasn’t happened for a while now. Is it because I’m doing something about it? Or is it something else? I do sometimes wonder whether I’m not just half way transgender. I know that seems bizarre, but I sometimes feel like I’m stuck right in the middle of being male and female. But then, if I look at it from a different angle it all seems completely different. For example, I think that if I had been born female, would I still be going to the GIC? And I think, absolutely not. So then maybe what I am stuck between is actually what is right for me, and what is easy for me. I know I say things like this all the time, because all the time this sort of stuff goes through my head. I know what is right for me, I just know that it’s also a whole lot of work and when it comes down to it, I don’t want a difficult life.
People have this sort of dilemma about all sorts of things. It is most definitely not something that only people like me have to deal with, and I understand that, but that doesn’t make it any easier. Would the difficult life be worth it? Who knows? I guess sometimes you do just have to take a gamble and just do it. I have a terrible habit of faffing about and over-analysing everything. Maybe things won’t work out as bad as I expect.
Anyway, let’s move away from my indecisive scrawl, and onto something a bit happier. I have passed my driving test, and I didn’t do very badly at all either. I’m not sure how the tests are marked in non-UK places but if you’re from the UK you’ll understand what I mean when I say I only got two minors. And they were both for not checking my right mirror when turning right. That was it. I was pretty proud of myself to be honest and since passing I’ve taken a few drives out around the area, and on only my second time out, I decided it was a good time to drive around a nearby safari park. Well I figured if I can manoeuvre around lions and rhinos with relative ease, the city streets will be a doddle!
So obviously I’m pleased about that, and now I can look more seriously at better jobs. Speaking of jobs, what I do now at work has somehow simultaneously become more boring and yet more complex. I now have to help customers around my section with any problems they have. That’s fine for the most part, but my section covers wine, and to be honest the most experience I have of wine is guzzling it down and feeling it’s joyous after effects, which is great, but when a customer asks what a particular wine tastes like, just saying “You guzzle it down and drunken joy ensues” is not enough. So I’ve been on a wine tasting course. Aren’t I the lucky one?!
It was good, but my god isn’t it pretentious?! We were taught how to smell the wine, how to look at the wine, how to taste the wine (but not swallow it) and how to examine your own spit afterwards and see the effects of tannin in your small plastic cup. It was interesting, I’ll give it that, and a lot of the information did help, but it was just a bit unnecessary in general. After all we’re not exactly going to taste every wine we sell, so I still have to boldly lie in the face of customers if they ask “Is this a good Rioja?”. My answer is usually “Yes, yes it is”. Seriously, what were they expecting me to say?
Sometimes that is all they need though. I remember in the first few weeks of my starting this job a customer came up to me and asked “What’s a good white?” and I literally had a quick scan of the shelf, pointed at one with a nice label, said “That one” and he went and bought a case of it! I didn’t even say it with much conviction, but obviously he didn’t really care. I hope it was a nice wine; we still do it so it can’t be that bad, although I have to say I’ve never seen him again! Oh well. I’m a bit better now.
I’m not a terrible worker by the way.
Seriously, hire me.
I like jobs.
Right that about does it for now, I am off to Corfu for a week. It’s very hard to complain about life with conviction when I’m off living the high life flying to Corfu, taking wine tasting courses… driving around safari parks etc etc.
Night! X
Monday, 4 July 2011
01:01
I’ve had my appointment at the doctors, and it went… well I guess. It was in many ways different to the time I did it previously. This time I had a male doctor to talk to and, to put it frankly; he didn’t exactly seem that confident talking about it. He seemed fairly unsure about it all and I’m not sure if that was because he didn’t really understand it or he didn’t agree with it, but that’s just the vibe I got from him.
I didn’t really have a lot to tell him that he didn’t already know either. Everything I’d said in the previous appointment was all there in front of him, so he basically just needed to judge my mental stability.
Thankfully he diagnosed me as a stable individual and he said there’s no reason psychologically why I couldn’t get a referral to the Gender Clinic. He mentioned that if I suffered from some kind of crippling depression or the like, then it would be unwise to refer me as I would be less likely to cope with all the after affects of the surgery, which certainly makes sense to me. There I was thinking that I wouldn’t get the referral because I wasn’t unhappy enough and it actually turns out to be the other way around.
So I got the referral. Or at least he said he’d give me a referral. I was hoping to have received a letter from the doctors by now, so I could have spoken about it on here as well, but so far nothing has turned up. It has been three weeks, and I think he said that I should allow more time than that for the letter to turn up, but I’d just like it now, I just want to know what’s happening. The letter is supposed to contain information on whether I’ve been accepted to be funded by the local council. He did mention that it has recently been a lot more likely that funding will be given, so I’m fairly confident about getting that.
This then led me to ask how many people have come in for the same issue as me, and he said that so far this year he’d had about five. He also mentioned that he thought that was quite a high number, but to be honest it’s not far off what I imagined it would be.
So here I am now, waiting for my letter to arrive. He mentioned that if I didn’t get the funding I could call the person that would deal with it directly and see if it could be sorted out from there, but unfortunately he also said that he’d send the number for that person through the post, and obviously so far I’ve received nothing. I really do just have to sit this one through.
Other than the appointment I have actually done a few other things. I celebrated my 24th birthday on the 10th of June and for it I went to see Jimmy Eat World live in London a week or so after. I have to say, they were damn good; would definitely recommend seeing them live if you like their music. To reflect how damn awesome they are I’ll link to possibly their most famous song, even if this isn’t exactly a true reflection of the style of the rest of their tracks.
I’ve also taken and passed my driving theory test and have booked my practical test for the 2nd of August. I am a bit nervous about it, but at the same time quietly confident. Hopefully passing it will open up my job prospects quite considerably even if I can’t afford a car right now. Just being able to drive would be a useful skill.
So there you go, just a quick update as to where I stand. I’m feeling fairly upbeat about it, and just getting on as normal with the rest of my life as this goes on. I cannot let this rule my life.
Night! X
Becoming Ella 