Archive for September, 2010

A Case of the Ever Creeping Guilt

September 14, 2010

Wednesday, 14 September 2010


I know my work situation isn’t exactly exhilarating to read about, but I just thought I’d mention: My manager has offered me the role of “Coach”. It basically revolves around me training up new members of staff and running the induction courses for new Christmas temps. This struck me as a little odd as I am currently under the effects of a written warning, and in that it states that I would not receive any pay rises, nor would I be able to be promoted within the company until a year after my ‘mishap’. So how exactly would that work? Would they just not pay me again (like last time) or would they rather ironically breach policy just to get me into the role that they now need. Are they going with the ‘because we say so’ bit of the policy that I failed to notice in the small print of my warning?

You might wonder why I’m so annoyed at being offered promotion. Well there certainly is a bitter taste in my mouth reminding of me the last time that I took a ‘promotion’. That is certainly playing an important part of it. I have just generally lost a lot of faith in the company as a whole and I really would like to get out it.

So I turned it down. Not only because of all the bitterness, but I just plain didn’t want to do it. It’s the kind of thing I’m not comfortable doing. I would not like to talk in front of a group of people, telling them what to do. It’s just not my thing. Don’t get me wrong, I probably could do it. And I would end up a lot more confident, but I just don’t want the hassle at the moment.

So after they’d offered me the job, they then offered it to a few other people, one of them being my girlfriend. My girlfriend, being a very different kind of person to me, would enjoy talking to a group of people like that and so she accepted the offer. She’s done well to get offered a promotion within a year of being there, it only took me about three! She doesn’t have the job yet. She still needs to be assessed and then if she passes that she gets sent for a day training course and then if she passes that, she’ll have the job. I have all my faith in her and I’m sure she’ll do just fine. After all, I managed all of that and just failed at the last hurdle a couple of years ago.

On a different note, getting the time to dress and put on make up is, these days, a little hard to come by. I’m not sure why exactly, but it really does seem like I ‘doll up’ less now than when I used to at home. Sure, everyday I still wear girls stuff to bed, and if I manage to drag myself away from the computer or TV when I get in from work I do get changed then, but I barely ever put make up on. I don’t know if that’s because I feel like I don’t need to anymore; Sarah sees me as I really am so it doesn’t seem as important. Or is it because I’m getting past a ‘phase’ in my life? That’s the usual logic for hearing a child is acting in a transgendered way, ‘It’s just a phase’. Well, is that happening to me, just a bit later?

It was recently my Dad’s birthday and I picked what I thought to be a really nice card. It said something like “Now that I’m finding my own way in life, I realise how glad I am to have had someone to show me the ropes”. It was something like that, with a picture of a man and a boy both wearing cowboy hats. Probably looks better than it sounds. I tend to avoid the ones that say “From Your Son” and I don’t really even contemplate sending him one saying “From Your Daughter”! I think that even though I have all of these feelings, he will always be my Dad and when I was a child, I was his boy, and I appreciate everything he’s ever done for me, even if it’s been showing me traditionally ‘male’ things. I just find it very hard to talk to him now. It’s not really awkward, but you can tell what he must be thinking about me, and it is both a relief and a pain knowing that he knows.

I guess what I’m trying to get at in a very roundabout way, is that I still feel guilty for who I am. I know it is wrong to think that way; you don’t need to tell me. “Do what you feel is right” and all that. Well, what if I don’t know what is right? A lot of people can’t see into the future, how do they know that what they are doing is right? What do I want to do with my life? What will make me happy? I want to be successful, I want a happy family, I want to enjoy every day of my life. I want all of these things, but I do nothing to reach them. I feel like right now my life is just sat in a box in my cupboard. Maybe not that bad, because I am very happy with Sarah. I guess I’m just feeling a bit low. I’m starting to think writing this in the early hours of the morning whilst I wait for the sun to rise was probably a bad idea. It’s being alone with my mind that gets me the most upset. Being tired doesn’t help either.

Basically I have doubts all the time about what I should be doing with my life. I don’t know the right way to turn. I know what I enjoy and I know what I hate, I’m just not sure I know myself. I’m finding it very difficult to say this, and right now I don’t think I will upload this, but I’m just saying it to get things off my chest. I know I sometimes seem like I know what I’m doing, but I really don’t. My life is up in the air and you know what the saddest thing of all is? I don’t feel any more like Ella than I did when I started this blog.

I’m sorry. This post got a little derailed by some unforeseen depression. I hope I can get back to you soon with a happier toned entry, but right now I just don’t feel like it.

Night. X