Archive for the ‘Mood’ Category

It’s Snow Fair

March 18, 2013

Monday, 18 March 2013


Sorry if snow related puns ruin your day, there’s snow more, honest.

I have been putting off this entry in the hope that I would get some good news from the GIC soon. But alas, ‘soon’ appears to be a word that is seldom used at the clinic.

Here’s the current situation: My second appointment was due on the 18th January. Unfortunately the god of weather decided I’d be better off staying in and began dumping inch upon inch of snow onto the unsuspecting ground. Now, in case you didn’t know the UK as a whole does not react well to the white stuff. Cancellations and amended timetables were the order of the day at the train station, but that didn’t really matter because getting to the train station was hard enough in itself. Bearing in mind it takes me over three hours in total to get to the clinic, there was snow chance that I was going to get there in time, if indeed I got there.

So I phoned them up and postponed it. I did it as soon as I could that day, but due to their high cancellation rates and the ‘NHS Guidelines’ you are supposed to give 48 hours notice. This had me concerned as I really didn’t want to have to go through the whole GP, psychiatrist treatment again. I also sent in the letter of cancellation (which they require) and basically since then I’ve been left in the dark.

I’ve been trying to get through to them the past few weeks, but they’ve either been busy or engaged, sometimes immediately after each other which is peculiar. But thankfully last week I broke through and got to speak to someone. I asked about my appointment and she reassured me that they had received my letter and my appointment would be rearranged, but she did not specify a timeframe.

It has been two months since I was supposed to have my appointment and I wouldn’t have heard a thing from them if I hadn’t phoned them myself. Is this what they are like? I was under the impression that once you are an actual patient of the clinic things started moving a little quicker. Maybe I was being optimistic.

The other result of this is that the Finasteride which I had started a course on, has since finished and I have been unable to continue it until it’s cleared by Dr. Lorimer.

So there you go. I’ve found the right road to head down, but unfortunately it’s covered in snow and the only people with a snow shovel are withholding it.

In other news, news I failed to mention last time; I have a nice new written warning from work. Just like the time I stole a turkey but didn’t. Only this time I had a debilitating illness and couldn’t breathe properly. I think it’s only fair I’m punished for that, no? The written warning basically means that for 12 months I won’t get a pay rise or a bonus if we get one at all.

Because I was off longer than is allowed and because my illness isn’t underlying, I have been issued with a big smack round the ear hole. Gotta love absence policies.

Well since then I have written up a letter to Head Office explaining my situation and my unhappiness about it. It shall be sent today and I really hope I get a reply from it. I doubt anything will actually change because of it, but I just feel like I wanted to share my personal experience with their policies and what I felt about it.

In other, other news. Pictures! I have got quite a few ready to upload that I have taken since my last update. A lot of them were taken with my iPad and therefore aren’t quite as clear. To be honest though, the lack of pixels sure makes it easier to achieve a smooth complexion! Also you may notice that I have a new wig or two. Well, eagle eyes, you are correct. I bought a couple near the end of last year and these few sets comprise mostly of those. I’ve gotta say it, blonde does seem to suit me quite well, or at least I think so. I did used to be blonde after all.

So there you go, my life over the past few months, condensed and thrown across a web page for you all to peruse. My song of the moment is actually really more of my album of the moment. That album would be “Tales from the Thames Delta” by The Milk. This song is basically just one of my favourites from that album. They’re a great band and there’s really snow-one like them out there at the moment.

Night! X

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Working It Out

May 4, 2012

Friday 4th May 2012


My next appointment is in August. They did offer me an earlier appointment but it’s pretty difficult to get a day off at work at such short notice. I’m ok with this. It’s not the clinic’s fault that my place of work is remarkably intolerant of their employees doing anything but work. In fact, work is right now the issue that has been occupying my mind most recently.

I’m going to try and sum this up as quickly and concisely as I can, but it’s pretty complicated, so please bear with me.

There are three tiers of employees at my work that you first need to be aware of. It may be a standard across many areas of work, I don’t know, I’ve only pretty much done this job. So for clarification purposes I’m just going to say them. There are Customer Assistants, Coordinators and Managers. I am, as you may have surmised, a customer assistant. My coordinator is a great guy, real nice and everything, it’s just he’s not the best. About a year ago he got demoted from manager and he’s been a less than stellar coordinator since then. No offence to the guy. If you’re reading this, I apologise, but I doubt that what I’ve just said is going to be his main concern once he sees my pictures and videos! As with almost all of my colleagues, he does not know about me.

Anyway, more recently he had been off ill for quite an extensive period of time with a slipped disk that may or may not have been sustained at work. Therefore my work was cautious to force him out of his position. They didn’t fully believe that his injury was all that it was cracked up to be, if you excuse the expression. Frankly, they had reason to as well, because whilst off ill, he had managed to acquire himself a job elsewhere. During his time off I had been elected to fill his shoes and I was happy to receive both the extra responsibilities and more importantly, extra pay. My manager was happy with me in that position and often mentioned how I was better than the actual coordinator. Eventually the ‘real’ coordinator came back, but only temporarily, as he came armed with his leaving notice.

A week passed and we said goodbye to the coordinator. It wasn’t all that long before my manager pulled me aside and asked if I’d be interested in his job permanently.

“Yes” was the general gist of my response.

Unfortunately though, the week before he left I had applied to another store as a coordinator there as it wasn’t 100% clear that there would be a position available to me at my current store. So I’d hedged my bets and just gone for it. My interview was due just after this other guy left. I went. I failed.

Things changed quite quickly after that. Apparently because the interview was a company standard, the same result applied at my current store, meaning I couldn’t then apply for another promotion for another six months. It’s funny how a fake role play session in an interview room holds more importance than the actual real world job which I’d previously been praised on.

The worst part is, if I hadn’t had gone for this other job first, I’d have had my interview in my current store with people that know me and the standard that I work to and they’d have probably just passed me on that alone. So my over enthusiasm for the job role ended up meaning I didn’t get it.

No wait, the worst part is that the reason they gave me for not passing the interview was simply because I was “too vague”, which ironically is a bit too vague in itself. During the role play I kept asking her if she understood, and everything was clear, and she said she was fine at the time. Then apparently looking back she decided I wasn’t clear enough and failed me. That wouldn’t happen in the real world. If I was being vague, the employee would have asked more questions at the time rather than going off and realising they didn’t know what to do.100_5408 (1)

No, actually the worst part is that I’ve previously passed this assessment before, but because I was suspected of stealing turkeys a few years ago I didn’t get the job then. So now I’m just heading backwards. I’m apparently not even as good as I was three years ago.

So since then, I’ve been dropped back down to customer assistant. I’ve also decided to apply to a different section altogether, just to get a change of scenery and get away from the people that I was in charge of. My current manager wasn’t exactly too happy about me leaving, but he couldn’t stop me. I don’t blame him for my predicament, it isn’t his fault at all, but he has been a little over-reliant on me and my flexibility recently. No that’s not a euphemism.

So I applied and got this job in the other section, which I’m pretty happy about as it gives me a lot more free time in the evenings and afternoons. My current manager and his manager have since offered me a different position on my current section, but I’m just not happy to continue down there any more. I’ve given so much, been promised so much and been delivered so little down there that I just wanted to get out of it.

So there you go. There’s my essay about how work has been treating me recently. I will say this; there are far worse things that can happen to you at work, and I’m not for a second saying what I’ve been through has been all that terrible. Hell if I ever come out at work I can probably tell you some of those stories, but until then I just have these quite unfortunate series of events to complain and whinge about!

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Night! X

GIC You Later!

February 24, 2012

Friday, 24th February 2012


I feel it is almost pointless to even acknowledge my lack of entries at this point. Finding the time to sit down and pour out my thoughts is unfortunately decreasing at a steady rate. I will not, however, stop updating completely. I would like to think that with more things happening in my life in the near future that I’ll find I’ll have more to write about. Sometimes it isn’t that I simply don’t have the time; it’s more that I actually haven’t done anything of particular interest.

But you will be pleased to know that since last August I have done some things of particular interest.

First off, I went to the Gender Identity Clinic down London way last Monday. I had to swap my day at work, and fortunately they didn’t ask too many questions as to why. There were a few queries of innocent wonder, but my girlfriend and I decided to tell them that I was going to the doctors, and that it wasn’t in our town, but that it had something to do with a “downstairs area”. I find that this method is both a good conversation stopper and not a complete fabrication, so you can say it with some conviction!

So yes anyway, by the Sunday night I knew what day it was booked, where it was, but unfortunately only the approximate time. I knew it was 10 something, so that was enough for me to book the ridiculously over-priced train tickets. Meanwhile, Sarah helped me look for the original appointment letter to find the exact time. Organisation isn’t exactly a strong point of mine you see. Well I couldn’t find it, I was getting tired and irritable so I just said I’d ring the clinic on the train to find out the exact time. It wouldn’t be the end of the world. But just as I was getting into bed Sarah did find it and all was right in the world once more.

There is a point to me telling you this by the way. It’s not just a simple, we couldn’t find it, but then we found it story. They’re not wholly interesting on their own.

So I woke up early ready for a big day. Got on the train and sat on it for 2 or so hours, listening to music and podcasts to try and ease the butterflies in my stomach. I got to London, sat on the Underground for another half an hour or so, walked the ½ a mile or so to the clinic, buzzed myself in and spoke to the receptionist.

“Name please”

I gave them my name.


I waited patiently.


I continued waiting patiently.

“Bear with me a minute”

So she went and fetched a woman from the back room. I looked into her eyes and immediately understood who she was. She was the ‘bad news’ lady.

“Urm, yes. The doctor you are booked with is off ill today…”

My face may have been a picture at this point, I do not know, but I am nothing if not polite, so I took the news well. After all it probably wasn’t their fault. Right?! My work often requires me to be the ‘bad news’ person, and it pretty much is never my fault. I wasn’t about to get angry at these people. Above all else, it’s just not me.

So she then goes on to tell me that I’ll have to rebook my appointment. She didn’t mention how long it will take, but I’m fairly convinced it will be around the same amount of time as it was to get my first appointment; about 6 months.

The one bit of good news she did have, though, was that they would pay for my train fare down there, which I think is pretty fair.

So there we go. I was in and out of there quicker than a trip to the toilet. I then had to head to the main hospital to collect my train fare money and afterwards I headed off back home.

I’d just like to point out that the above transcript is likely to be fairly different to what actually happened, but the main points are in there. I’d also like to make it clear that each of the people that I spoke to were incredibly polite, friendly and welcoming. I have no issues what-so-ever with the people that dealt with me. I am however not very happy that I wasn’t informed about my doctor being off ill before-hand and the fact that my name did not even appear on the appointment list. I believe that I’m not being too unreasonable to think that. This is after all the second time something like this has happened to me in three appointments.

The most irritating thing of the day though was the fact that if Sarah hadn’t found that appointment letter the night before, I’d have found out that my appointment was cancelled when I rang them whilst on the train and I could have saved myself a good five hours sitting on my bum doing nothing!

Oh well, hey. It’s not the end of the world. It’s just a little clerical hiccup. I shan’t let it get to me.

So there we go, that’s a quick update of where I stand at the moment. I have other things that I wanted to talk about as well, but the GIC appointment has taken up quite a lot of room. That’s ok though, hopefully having a subject to talk about will make me come back quicker to bring you another update.

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Night! X

Clinics, Cars, Claret and Caribous

August 29, 2011

Monday, 29 August 2011


It’s been the best part of two months since you last heard from me, but I am happy to admit that I am doing well, generally speaking.

A couple of things worth mentioning: I received a letter from the GIC (Gender Identity Clinic) in London with, essentially, an acceptance letter. I just had to send off my details within four weeks to register myself there. Apparently they get a lot of people that contact them asking for appointments that don’t actually get followed through, so they have to be vigilant of things like that.

So I sent off my details and last week I got another letter through confirming my first appointment. It will take place next February. I’d heard various stories about the length of time it took to get an appointment there, but this is about what I expected really. This is only one of the very first steps still and with the amount of cancellations and no-show-ers they must get I would expect this stage to be one of the fastest.

So yeah, that’s happening. I’m happy I’m finally doing something physical about this, but I’m not going to lie; I’m fricking scared! This is quite unlike anything I’ve ever done before, and I’d imagine most people that get these appointments can say something similar. I do still wonder if this is the right thing for me, I mean, I’ve been a lot less upset recently. Like I used to have times when it all got too much and I’d just break down, but that hasn’t happened for a while now. Is it because I’m doing something about it? Or is it something else? I do sometimes wonder whether I’m not just half way transgender. I know that seems bizarre, but I sometimes feel like I’m stuck right in the middle of being male and female. But then, if I look at it from a different angle it all seems completely different. For example, I think that if I had been born female, would I still be going to the GIC? And I think, absolutely not. So then maybe what I am stuck between is actually what is right for me, and what is easy for me. I know I say things like this all the time, because all the time this sort of stuff goes through my head. I know what is right for me, I just know that it’s also a whole lot of work and when it comes down to it, I don’t want a difficult life.

People have this sort of dilemma about all sorts of things. It is most definitely not something that only people like me have to deal with, and I understand that, but that doesn’t make it any easier. Would the difficult life be worth it? Who knows? I guess sometimes you do just have to take a gamble and just do it. I have a terrible habit of faffing about and over-analysing everything. Maybe things won’t work out as bad as I expect.

Anyway, let’s move away from my indecisive scrawl, and onto something a bit happier. I have passed my driving test, and I didn’t do very badly at all either. I’m not sure how the tests are marked in non-UK places but if you’re from the UK you’ll understand what I mean when I say I only got two minors. And they were both for not checking my right mirror when turning right. That was it. I was pretty proud of myself to be honest and since passing I’ve taken a few drives out around the area, and on only my second time out, I decided it was a good time to drive around a nearby safari park. Well I figured if I can manoeuvre around lions and rhinos with relative ease, the city streets will be a doddle!

So obviously I’m pleased about that, and now I can look more seriously at better jobs. Speaking of jobs, what I do now at work has somehow simultaneously become more boring and yet more complex. I now have to help customers around my section with any problems they have. That’s fine for the most part, but my section covers wine, and to be honest the most experience I have of wine is guzzling it down and feeling it’s joyous after effects, which is great, but when a customer asks what a particular wine tastes like, just saying “You guzzle it down and drunken joy ensues” is not enough. So I’ve been on a wine tasting course. Aren’t I the lucky one?!

It was good, but my god isn’t it pretentious?! We were taught how to smell the wine, how to look at the wine, how to taste the wine (but not swallow it) and how to examine your own spit afterwards and see the effects of tannin in your small plastic cup. It was interesting, I’ll give it that, and a lot of the information did help, but it was just a bit unnecessary in general. After all we’re not exactly going to taste every wine we sell, so I still have to boldly lie in the face of customers if they ask “Is this a good Rioja?”. My answer is usually “Yes, yes it is”. Seriously, what were they expecting me to say?

Sometimes that is all they need though. I remember in the first few weeks of my starting this job a customer came up to me and asked “What’s a good white?” and I literally had a quick scan of the shelf, pointed at one with a nice label, said “That one” and he went and bought a case of it! I didn’t even say it with much conviction, but obviously he didn’t really care. I hope it was a nice wine; we still do it so it can’t be that bad, although I have to say I’ve never seen him again! Oh well. I’m a bit better now.

I’m not a terrible worker by the way.

Seriously, hire me.

I like jobs.

Right that about does it for now, I am off to Corfu for a week. It’s very hard to complain about life with conviction when I’m off living the high life flying to Corfu, taking wine tasting courses… driving around safari parks etc etc.


Sarah introduced me to this song, no reason for picking it now other than the fact it has wine in the name. It’s a good song anyway!

Night! X

Taking the Right Road

May 9, 2011

Monday, 9 May 2011


So, I was supposed to have an appointment at a nearby Mental Health Clinic on the 4th. It didn’t happen in the end, but not because I pulled out or anything. Rather ironically the doctor called in sick, so I got the receptionist ringing me in the morning telling me they had to rearrange an appointment. They have done so and I now have to wait again until the 15th June. I’m not too bothered about it to be honest. This whole thing is a ridiculously long process anyway so an extra month’s wait isn’t really that big of a deal.

I have been having doubts here and there about it all, but it inevitably comes back around to being what I want to do. I know it’s not a simple thing to do, but I also know I would always regret it forever more if I did nothing. That alone is reason enough.

Other than that not a whole lot of blog-worthy things have happened. I’m getting on at work, doing more than I’m being paid for and yet still being paid less than other people at my level thanks to turkey-gate the Christmas before last. Still hoping for a promotion, but at the same time looking around for more work, albeit not that thoroughly.

I still don’t really know what I want to do, job-wise. I still love writing, but I also never feel like it. I love playing the piano, but my keyboard stays stubbornly under the bed. The only job worthy skill I have is being adept in the use of computers, which would have been great fifteen years ago, but these days it’s kind of just expected of you.

I think what I really need is a bit of self discipline. I need to set aside time each day to do something productive that isn’t just cleaning and tidying. I say I should do this, but I sort of feel now that I probably won’t. I can barely make myself come on here to type this up; even now Family Guy is on and my right eye and ear is mostly focused on that.

My Mum always told me to not just let things happen. Don’t wait for things to come to you, you need to go out there and find them. Unfortunately up until this point in my life, I haven’t really gone out of my way all that much to be where I’m at today, so therefore I’ve never really learnt that lesson. I think it’s time I started to pay attention to some of the things my Mum told me when I was younger.

Oh yes, there was another thing to tell you all. I’ve had my hair cut. I have to be honest, it did need it, but if it were completely down to me I probably wouldn’t have cut it as short as it is now. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not short short. It can still pass for a female cut, but I have a family wedding to go to at the end of the month and I need to look smart for it. Fair enough it wasn’t really smart before, but I do miss the length.

There is a bit of a story behind my cut as well. It was actually two cuts. The first time I went to a unisex (although mainly female) salon and asked for a “shaggy style” cut to just over my ears and with a fringe. The hairdresser did not speak English very well. I walked out the salon with a fairly obvious ‘bob’ cut, and no fringe.

I thought it looked pretty good despite it being completely different to what I asked for. But it was patently obvious that it was a girls cut and the next few days I got quite a bit of playful teasing about it at work. I decided that, excuse the pun, my hair wasn’t exactly going to cut it with my family at the wedding, so I headed off to a men’s salon and got it done by someone that could speak my language and I came out with something resembling the description I’d requested when I walked in.

That is there-and-abouts the story of my hair. I am not unhappy with it, but I do miss how long it was before.

That is about all I have to say. I’ve just had a lovely week off work, so I’m feeling pretty chilled out all round. We haven’t really been out to do much as we have next to no money, but it was a good week in all.

Here’s my Song of the Moment and there’s also a couple more pictures from that last batch. Hopefully there’ll be some more new ones soon.


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Night! X

My Day, in a Roundabout Way

March 18, 2011

Friday, 18 March 2011


Well hello there, it seems I have found myself sitting in front of the computer in the early hours once more. It also seems that I have seen fit to spend this time typing my mind mumblings out onto the computer screen. So far in its (incredibly limited) wisdom, this is all that has actually managed to find its way from my brain to my fingertips. I guess this is the sort of thing that happens when you sit down to write something, not know what to write about and then proceed to write anyway.

I do know what I’m writing on here for, but I guess I’m trying to find a better reason. The main reason is that I’ve taken a few new pictures, but wait wait wait, don’t scroll down just yet, I’m sure I’ll find something fantastically terrific to talk about between then and the end. I must do! After all, look at this large amount of text in between here and the pictures! There must be something of at least slight interest in between then and now.

I’m going to tell you about my day. Why not?! That is I imagine what the whole point of a diary blog type thing. Can I call this a Blogiary? Urm, no, that makes me ill actually. Best not mess too much with the English language, it sure has taken a beating recently. But then again, when doesn’t it?! I’m probably breaking hundreds of grammar rules right now, making my whole point maybe a little ironic. Well at least my spelling isn’t carp.

Anyway, I need to tell you about my day. I was at work today, like any typical Thursday. It would have been totally like any other typical Thursday if I had not been asked to partake in a most peculiar task.

Sorry, I’m really giving this a bigger build up than it deserves. All I was asked to do was to go to a neighbouring town and fetch some more stock from another store. It really wasn’t anything more than that. But it did involve sitting in the front of a white van. Oh yeh, that’s right, for the day I was essentially a “White Van Man”. If you don’t live in the Great United Kingdom of Britain, you may not understand what I mean. Well, luckily we can break down and analyse the phrase fairly easily, in fact I’m going to assume you can work that out for yourself. The meaning behind it is that basically all “White Van Men” drive erratically and inconsiderately. In my case though, the white was more ‘dirt brown’, the van was basically a wreck, and I, well, I really do hate to think of myself as a man. But then again ‘Dirty Brown Wrecked Tranny’ sounds more like some kind of filthy porn. Something I really don’t want to see.

I have to say I really do hate the term tranny. It just sounds horrible. It’s probably because of the amount of times it is used for porn type circumstances. I always try to use the word transgendered whenever necessary, but to be honest, that last joke wouldn’t have been nearly as funny if I’d said that. In fact even the word transsexual seems to have negative vibes in my brain. I guess it makes it sound like a sexual orientation, so in that respect I can understand why people do sometimes not understand why gender identity and sexual orientation do not go hand in hand.

Well, there you go; I managed to find some magical combination of words to fill the space between the second paragraph and the pictures. Don’t you now just feel fantastic about life in general and enlightened beyond your wildest dreams? I hope you’ve not been completely baffled by me being in one of my weirder moods, but hey, at least I’m not upset!

Oh and if you wanted to know what happened at work: I went home and lived happily ever… err, rest of the day.

Ooh, one last thing before the pictures. I don’t think I have yet conveyed my love of the band ‘Air Traffic’, so please, consider this it. My song of the moment; ‘No More Running Away’.


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Night! X

It’s On The Road

March 7, 2011

Monday, 7 February 2011


Just a few quick updates here:

My trip to the doctors was one of success. I’ve been referred to a nearby clinic and booked an appointment in for May. There is a two month waiting list even for this part, so it doesn’t exactly bode well for the rest of it, but I did anticipate this sort of thing. Sure going to be a whole lot of waiting around. All the same though, there’s not a lot I can do about that now, unless of course I get a nice little sum of money to do it all privately, but I’m not holding out for that.

In case any of you out there are looking to go through the same thing, the actual appointment with the doctor was easy enough. As I’d only just registered at the practice the doctor didn’t have my medical history files, so I basically had to tell him straight again. It now feels odd that at one point several years ago, telling the doctor how I felt was the scariest thing I’d thought I’d ever done! But this time it felt so much easier. I just came out and said it, and he didn’t even flinch. Not sure if it’s because I’m older, because I’m more confident, or just because I knew that doctors are just plainly not allowed to demean patient’s life choices and just give professional advice. I wasn’t even the first person he’d seen with this exact same problem. The only thing I did get a little worried about is that one of my friends mums works at that practice and I wasn’t sure if she’d be able to see my file or not, but I assume patient/doctor confidentiality does not extend to receptionists, so it should be fine.

Another good thing I’m doing at the moment is having some driving lessons, and they’re going well! I’ve had two lessons, and I feel a lot more confident already, learning all aspects in the art of the clutch. There’s not a whole lot I can say about it really. All the good driving lesson jokes have been done already. I genuinely couldn’t think of any new ones on the way to the hospital in the back of the ambulance.

I kid of course. That never happened, besides, the kind of speeds I go at mean I’m probably more likely to run someone over whilst walking anyway.

Ok, well that is pretty much all I had to say. I don’t have any new pictures this time I’m afraid. It is difficult to find the time to get glammed up so much recently. Too much work and sleep I guess.

Night! X

And So it Begins… again

February 1, 2011

Tuesday, 1 February 2011


It was close call this week. I was determined to get to the Doctors at some point this week. At one point I thought I was going have to wait for another week, and it was for the most ridiculous sounding, but valid, reason. At the beginning of the week I was ill and therefore housebound. It wasn’t anything terrible, we worked out that it must have been a dodgy pizza that I’d ordered for take-away. We had eaten some pork that was out of date by two days a couple of days before, but Sarah insisted that it wouldn’t have been her cooking that got me ill! All the same I felt terrible and was doing the usual ‘kneeling over the toilet’ routine that I tend to do when feeling sick.

So I was off work for two days, and getting the doctors would have been a task not worth attempting. Especially considering the one I was registered at was about a mile away and I can’t drive.

But thankfully towards the end of this week I got better. Not completely, but enough. So yesterday, with my day off, I decided to register myself at a more local doctor’s. And when I say local, well, I can practically see it from my window. It is literally about 100m away. I mean if I was Usain Bolt (and was not intimidated by dual carriageways) I could be there in under 10 seconds. I’m not sure that there’s any other way I can convey the fact that this place is in the very near vicinity. Seriously it’s close. Very.

Anyway yes, so I trudged over to the doctors, filled out all my relevant forms and got myself an appointment for next Monday. This is it, I’m starting again. It has been about 2-3 years since the first time I tried, and I hope that this time I can get the funding. I realise that funding is a difficult thing to get in my situation, especially as I’m not into the whole self-harming suicidal tendencies that some transgendered people are. Which I guess is fair enough. The people that are more likely to kill themselves should really have priority. So anyway, yes, I’ll let you know how that goes after next Monday. If it’s anything like last time, they’ll refer me to a nearby clinic and then I’ll see where it goes from there. That is as far as I got the first time around. I’m also hoping Sarah can come in with me to the second discussion. Sarah is feeling understandably worried about me looking at doing this again. As we are at the moment, I can mostly hide myself when around her parents, but if I go through with this they will have to know.

This really bothers me, I have to say. I think it was bad enough telling my parents about it, but involving a family other than mine and making it an issue there just seems plain rude. I also don’t think they’ll take it too well, in fact Sarah thinks that they may make her choose between me and them. I obviously do not want that situation at all. I wish there was an easier way than this.

Well I think I’ll wrap it up there. The only other thing I wanted to say was that I am hoping to learn to drive this month and rather thankfully my parents have said that they’ll pay for my lessons. I’ve been reluctant to do it up until now, but now that I’ve actually decided to go ahead and do it I’m quite excited about it!

The pictures I’m putting up are a few I can’t believe I never uploaded the first time around. They are from June last year, so not exactly recent, but I think they’re alright all the same! I also don’t have any new ones…

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Night! X

Moving on Up!

January 18, 2011

Tuesday, 18 January 2011


I am finding it increasingly difficult to come on here and write a new entry. It feels like the longer I wait between posts, the more meaningful I have to make it. But life isn’t like the movies, something amazing and life-changing doesn’t happen everyday. Well not stuff that is movie worthy anyway. It sort of feels like I’m wandering through my days with glazed eyes, and still I do nothing about it. I’m not saying I’m wasting my life, I don’t feel that way. But it sort of feels like I’m not doing everything I want to do with it. But is that really so weird? Can you honestly say that you are glad with everything that you do right now? There are certain facts to life that include doing things that we don’t always want to, just to please others.

This is not me giving in, by the way. The situation I’m in is a difficult one, but it is neither unique nor the worst that people can experience. It just feels like there is no correct way to solve it. When it comes down to your happiness against a group of others, the answer seems to be obvious to me. You always put the other people’s happiness above your own. When you put it like that it sounds simple, but then, can you live with the consequences of that rational decision? Probably not.

On the other hand, when the only two solutions that present themselves are to be selfish, or have a possible lifetime of dissatisfaction, the solution seems so obvious again, but this time being selfish seems like the way to go.

Essentially each solution has its own pros and cons, and quite frankly I am a terrible decision maker. Seriously, I have problems choosing what to have for breakfast. It does feel a little like being thrown into the deep-end as soon as you leave education. It’s like up until that point you have been given a guided tour down a narrow path, and soon as the path ends, you’re pushed into an expansive field with absolutely no indication as to which direction to go. Some kids know what they want to do as soon as they pop out the womb it seems, but when I was younger I only ever half-heartedly stated I wanted to be an artist. There was one point that I was set on being a fairground ride designer, but that’s mainly because I played too much RollerCoaster Tycoon! I enjoy all sorts of things, but I’ve never really liked something enough to want to do it professionally, nor have I really got the skills to anyway.

I guess my problem is that I have very little direction in my life. I need to set myself some solid life goals and actually make sure I achieve them.

Ok, in the next two weeks I will, will, go back to the doctors to begin me on that road again. I will also have a look out for some better looking jobs. Also, let’s see if I can take some more pictures, and not just of myself.

Speaking of pictures of myself, here’s a few I didn’t upload from the last batch!

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Time to break free.

Night! X

The Barbershop Cold Sweat

October 13, 2010

Tuesday, 12 October 2010


Thank you to those of you who replied to my last blog. I hope it doesn’t seem like I write these things on my blog just so I can receive some attention and reassurance, that really isn’t why I do this, but all the same, it is very much appreciated. I have been writing this diary for a long while now; my first entry was just over 4 years ago. It seems like longer than that if I’m honest. I started writing for me, but I figured that some people would appreciate reading that someone is going through the same things they are. Also I can’t see the harm in getting people that would otherwise be unaware of our issues to see what we go through. It isn’t life threatening sure, and there’s too many other people out there with terrible lives that have probably never even dreamed of questioning whether they were born in the wrong body or not. I am privileged, I do realise that and I do feel quite selfish for complaining and getting upset over quite frankly relatively menial issues when compared to others.

So with that in mind, I’ve decided to be more cheerful today! It really is about time I stopped crying my way through my youth and started enjoying it a bit more. I know I should.

So on Monday, to start me off, I got a new haircut! Wait, hold up, unfortunately it was not in a women’s salon and it did not involve any fancy stuff. It was a simple walk in men’s barbers 10 minute jobby. But I have to say, given how long my hair has got, he did a pretty good job at tidying it up. It is a little shorter than it was, but looks much better, and if anything, looks more feminine, so I’m not unhappy with it! I will have to show you these new pictures I took. Yes, I actually have new pictures. Shocker.

Finding a salon was a little tricky though. Well I say tricky. Most people would have probably been able to manage it by simply walking into their nearest salon, but no, not me. I wandered around in a seemingly aimless manner assessing all possible relevant businesses. First of all I checked all my usual salons, and for some unknown reason they’re all shut on a Monday. Not sure why, but fine, things like this happen, I’ll just pick a new one. So I scout around for a good cheap unassuming barbers. There were the ones that made my wallet sweat from looking at the price list and then there were the ones that I could pretty much smell the word ‘scummy’ just from walking past it. I decided that neither of these extremes would hack it. So I thought, instead of just choosing a decent looking one at random, I’ll head back to my flat (in the town centre) and look up reviews of the local salons on the computer. Why not? I was bored and that is what the internet is there for right?! So I did a bit of research and plotted my course. I made sure I didn’t pass by any salons that might have already seen me looking in their window because they might find me odd. Hell, they probably do anyway, but that’s not the point. Being some long haired guy peeking longingly through the windows of salons might give the impression that I’ve been there for months and forgotten how to get in or something.

So yes anyway, I made my way to this new salon that the internet had reassured me was good. Well there were a couple of negative reviews, but when isn’t there really? It seems like for every product for sale on the internet someone somewhere has had their life ruined by it and feel the need to ‘One Star’ or ‘Thumbs Down’ the relevant product, spouting hateful phrases like “DO NOT BUY, DOES NOT WORK!” as if they’re whole life is now devoted to conspiring against whatever the product may be. Too many things these days seem to need to be rated or voted for by the public. You might even say that everything has become overrated. Then again, you might not; it’s up to you apparently.

Anyway, yes, I turned up at this well reviewed location and it too turns out to be closed on Mondays. I subsequently panicked and walked quickly back home. It was about this sort of time that I realised I was being utterly stupid. For some reason I seem to lack the confidence to even walk into a salon in guy mode and get a hair cut! How hard should it be?! So I got up again, walked with purpose into a randomly picked salon and got my damn hair cut, and it was not a scary experience at all! What was I worried about? If I have these kinds of issues living as a guy what am I going to be like as a girl? If I’m already so self-conscious it’s unreal, I’ll probably never be able to bring myself to leave the house if I transitioned!

This is but one of the issues I have to get over, no matter what I end up doing in the future. Confidence should be gained through life experiences and I do (surprisingly) feel more confident with myself now than I ever have done.

Sorry about going on for about four paragraphs about a simple haircut, but I thought I would be honest about how ridiculous I can be sometimes so I can look back at this in the future and laugh at my current self. I did just look back at my first entry and got much the same reaction. I was being overly dramatic about an invasive crane fly and judging by the way I’d written it, it seemed like the most unfortunate thing in the world that could ever happen to anyone ever! I’m not so much like that anymore. Sure I have bouts of silliness when it comes to conversing with my fellow human, but I am better than I was, and despite what I said in my last blog about being no more Ella than I was when I started, I sure am a much better me. And being a better, happier me is all I should really be working towards.

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Night! X