Archive for the ‘Sales’ Category

The Doctor Will GIC You Now

September 23, 2012

Sunday, 23 September 2012


It’s funny how trains make me feel nervous every time I use them. The same way that I associate airports with holidays, I relate trains with importance. If I’m on a train I’m probably doing something that’s pretty memorable or different, going to a new place or meeting people I’ve never met before. This last time was no different.

I took the train down to the fine city of London for my visit to the Gender Clinic last Thursday. This time I had rung up the day before to be sure my appointment hadn’t been cancelled… again, which it hadn’t thankfully, so I was happy about that but at the same time quite scared. This time it was actually going to happen. It has been a long time coming, not all of it due to waiting list times, some of it was due to my unavailability as well, but finally the day was here. Have I built it up enough yet? I think so.

So I had an appointment with Dr. Stuart Lorimer. I hope he doesn’t mind me naming him, I really don’t see why he would. Well I guess he may do if I started saying I thought he was an asshole, but he absolutely was not akin to any kind of human orifice whatsoever. He’s a really nice guy. He immediately put me at ease, he was friendly, he listened, and I felt like I could really open up with him. The appointment was basically another assessment of my case, as my first one was now several years ago. He just wanted to know if anything had changed between now and then. So there were all of the sorts of questions you’d expect. When did it all start? Who have you told? How did they react? Those sorts of things. One thing I was scared of was that he’d be constantly judging me, trying to read my thoughts or something, but if he was doing that, he was doing it very subtly!

So that hour passed by pretty quickly. I actually came away from it being incredibly relieved and happy. It is always good to get something off your chest anyway, but when it’s something that’s been there for as long as you can remember, and they completely understand what I mean, it feels fantastic!

I have a second assessment in January, so until then it’s pretty much back to how it was for the moment. I made a decision from that meeting that I am going to have to talk straight with my parents pretty soon to see where we all stand on the matter now. It’s been out there a while, it’s been given the chance to sink in, so hopefully any rage or upset will have subsided, but we will see I guess. Hopefully it’s not the sort of thing that festers over time, but even if it is we should probably get it out sooner rather than later anyway.

Lastly, Dr. Lorimer suggested I start on Finasteride due to my rapidly retreating hairline. Pretty much all of the older males in my family have long since lost the vast majority of their hair so he’s suggesting I start Finasteride to combat it. I am greatly considering it, but would be curious to hear some stories from people that may have used it in the past or are on it currently. I know most people probably don’t want to hear that the girl they see in the pictures on here is having issues with Male Pattern Baldness but I want to be as honest as possible without shaming myself!

Also lastly and actually unrelated to my trip down London town, at work we have just started employing a whole host of new people. I mention this because, now I’m not 100% on this, but I think one of the new starters could be a transsexual woman. Now this affects me in a few ways. First of all, excellent, my employer is happy to accept this (not that they really have a choice) so that bodes well for me if I wished to stay if I transition. Secondly, excellent, I may have someone very close to home that I can talk about all this and not be worried of repercussions. Thirdly, how do I go about introducing myself to her whilst remaining ‘undercover’? And fourthly, what if she recognises me? Now normally I wouldn’t expect her to. I mean it’s not like I’m immediately recognisable to every transsexual in Britain because I do this blog and post a few flickr pictures. My ego isn’t that swollen…yet. But it’s just the way she’s been looking at me. I don’t know, there’s a sort of hidden knowledge in her eyes. Yes I’m probably being paranoid. But let me just do this…

If you are this woman and know who I am; Hi! Sorry I’ve not come and greeted you properly. I’m sure you’ll understand as to why. I would very much like to chat with you but for the moment could it just be from the comfort of respective computer chairs? So if you do know and you want a chat then leave me a comment (please don’t feel like you have to!). However if you don’t know me, then you won’t be here reading this and I’ll be speaking to literally nobody at all. Hell, you might not even be transsexual; I may have missed the mark completely. Either way, I hope you enjoy working with us and I truly hope that you don’t get any sort of ‘hate’ related issues. It’s not so much the staff I’m worried about, it’s the minority of rude customers I’d be more concerned about. They can be devastatingly offensive given the option.

Anyway, that is about it from me today. I feel I have said enough!

Song of the Moment: Photosynthesis by Frank Turner.


It’s not so much just this song it’s all of his stuff. I’ve only recently discovered him and I’m having a bit of a secret love affair with him. Don’t tell Sarah.

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Night! X


Clinics, Cars, Claret and Caribous

August 29, 2011

Monday, 29 August 2011


It’s been the best part of two months since you last heard from me, but I am happy to admit that I am doing well, generally speaking.

A couple of things worth mentioning: I received a letter from the GIC (Gender Identity Clinic) in London with, essentially, an acceptance letter. I just had to send off my details within four weeks to register myself there. Apparently they get a lot of people that contact them asking for appointments that don’t actually get followed through, so they have to be vigilant of things like that.

So I sent off my details and last week I got another letter through confirming my first appointment. It will take place next February. I’d heard various stories about the length of time it took to get an appointment there, but this is about what I expected really. This is only one of the very first steps still and with the amount of cancellations and no-show-ers they must get I would expect this stage to be one of the fastest.

So yeah, that’s happening. I’m happy I’m finally doing something physical about this, but I’m not going to lie; I’m fricking scared! This is quite unlike anything I’ve ever done before, and I’d imagine most people that get these appointments can say something similar. I do still wonder if this is the right thing for me, I mean, I’ve been a lot less upset recently. Like I used to have times when it all got too much and I’d just break down, but that hasn’t happened for a while now. Is it because I’m doing something about it? Or is it something else? I do sometimes wonder whether I’m not just half way transgender. I know that seems bizarre, but I sometimes feel like I’m stuck right in the middle of being male and female. But then, if I look at it from a different angle it all seems completely different. For example, I think that if I had been born female, would I still be going to the GIC? And I think, absolutely not. So then maybe what I am stuck between is actually what is right for me, and what is easy for me. I know I say things like this all the time, because all the time this sort of stuff goes through my head. I know what is right for me, I just know that it’s also a whole lot of work and when it comes down to it, I don’t want a difficult life.

People have this sort of dilemma about all sorts of things. It is most definitely not something that only people like me have to deal with, and I understand that, but that doesn’t make it any easier. Would the difficult life be worth it? Who knows? I guess sometimes you do just have to take a gamble and just do it. I have a terrible habit of faffing about and over-analysing everything. Maybe things won’t work out as bad as I expect.

Anyway, let’s move away from my indecisive scrawl, and onto something a bit happier. I have passed my driving test, and I didn’t do very badly at all either. I’m not sure how the tests are marked in non-UK places but if you’re from the UK you’ll understand what I mean when I say I only got two minors. And they were both for not checking my right mirror when turning right. That was it. I was pretty proud of myself to be honest and since passing I’ve taken a few drives out around the area, and on only my second time out, I decided it was a good time to drive around a nearby safari park. Well I figured if I can manoeuvre around lions and rhinos with relative ease, the city streets will be a doddle!

So obviously I’m pleased about that, and now I can look more seriously at better jobs. Speaking of jobs, what I do now at work has somehow simultaneously become more boring and yet more complex. I now have to help customers around my section with any problems they have. That’s fine for the most part, but my section covers wine, and to be honest the most experience I have of wine is guzzling it down and feeling it’s joyous after effects, which is great, but when a customer asks what a particular wine tastes like, just saying “You guzzle it down and drunken joy ensues” is not enough. So I’ve been on a wine tasting course. Aren’t I the lucky one?!

It was good, but my god isn’t it pretentious?! We were taught how to smell the wine, how to look at the wine, how to taste the wine (but not swallow it) and how to examine your own spit afterwards and see the effects of tannin in your small plastic cup. It was interesting, I’ll give it that, and a lot of the information did help, but it was just a bit unnecessary in general. After all we’re not exactly going to taste every wine we sell, so I still have to boldly lie in the face of customers if they ask “Is this a good Rioja?”. My answer is usually “Yes, yes it is”. Seriously, what were they expecting me to say?

Sometimes that is all they need though. I remember in the first few weeks of my starting this job a customer came up to me and asked “What’s a good white?” and I literally had a quick scan of the shelf, pointed at one with a nice label, said “That one” and he went and bought a case of it! I didn’t even say it with much conviction, but obviously he didn’t really care. I hope it was a nice wine; we still do it so it can’t be that bad, although I have to say I’ve never seen him again! Oh well. I’m a bit better now.

I’m not a terrible worker by the way.

Seriously, hire me.

I like jobs.

Right that about does it for now, I am off to Corfu for a week. It’s very hard to complain about life with conviction when I’m off living the high life flying to Corfu, taking wine tasting courses… driving around safari parks etc etc.


Sarah introduced me to this song, no reason for picking it now other than the fact it has wine in the name. It’s a good song anyway!

Night! X

And The Results Are In….

February 25, 2010

Thursday, 25 February 2010


Well it’s taken me this long to get back and sit in front of the screen and write again. I have a problem with writing something when someone else in the room, the same way I do with taking photos of myself and peeing. That’s two separate activities, for the record. That would be much too much hassle. Maybe that’s why some people take pictures of themselves in nappies… Nah, I’m pretty sure they do it for kicks, I can’t say I relate to that myself, but if you do, take a look at this picture I’ve just done…


Goodness sake, now I’ve just wasted time doing that when I could have been writing something of significance. All I wanted to say was that I can’t write when there are people around and pretty much every night my girlfriend tends to stay in the vicinity, she does live here after all. But now she’s asleep on the sofa, and I’m free to do my thing.

So I kind of left you guys hanging after the last one didn’t I? Sorry about that, it was only vaguely intentional! No, in all honestly I didn’t know what was going to happen and I was pretty worried, but I’m sure you’ve now worked out that I should still have a job because if I didn’t I certainly shouldn’t be wasting time making random pictures, and should be doing something useful like filling in a application form or updating my CV. Well you’d be right, even though I probably would still have done it in the other circumstance. I DO still have my job. But it isn’t all bunnies, rainbows and sparkle dust. Oh no. The final result was a “Written Warning”. The investigation process went on several weeks after I uploaded the last blog. Unfortunately this collided with some Holiday I was due to have off. I was told that I would get that time back, but alas, no. My ‘Holiday’ consisted mostly of worrying if it was indeed holiday or just delayed dismissal. I am still fighting this to this day, as I don’t see how I should be allowed to have my suspension cut off for a holiday. I know it make financial sense for the company, but it’s a bit of a kick in the (eventually metaphorical) balls. Especially as they called me in before my holiday because they thought they could come to a decision then, but then extended the investigation to find more evidence, which they didn’t even get, so it was a waste of time all round. Worst of all; my time.

Ok, let me just say, if this kind of thing bores you, I’d skip a couple of paragraphs because I’m going to be complaining a lot about how unfair everything has been.

The second thing, and worst thing, is that the job as a “Coordinator” that I had before Christmas is now not mine. I have been demoted back down to pleb. (Unofficial job title). Worse than that even, is that I’ve been told that I won’t get paid for the job that I did before Christmas because I never got “signed off”. And yet, the final verdict was made based on the fact that I was a Coordinator. Effectively then, I’ve had full responsibility for this incident and yet none of the pay. Something in that just doesn’t seem right. Again, I am still fighting this. I don’t know every aspect of the law, but I know the meaning of ‘fair’. Sure sure, life is unfair. I know. But it doesn’t mean you have to sit and take it, I plan on seeing this through. I’ve taken a bit of a backseat with it the last few weeks, just to settle back into my old job, but now I think I should really sort it out.

Now I know I haven’t mentioned any of the specifics of this incident, because to be honest with you it’s fairly in depth and a complete bore. Would not exactly be a mouse-scrollingly good read. But let me just tell you what the outcome is from my point of view. I now know that what I did was a naïve mistake, nothing more. There was no maliciousness in my actions. I did a favour for someone I thought I could trust and I end up losing my holiday, my promotion, my pay for the job I’d done, and probably a lack of faith from my superiors. Meanwhile the main person that did have malicious intentions sits back in her original position without losing pay or holiday and got away with a cheap turkey for Christmas Day. And yes that is all it was about. Turkeys that would have been thrown out anyway. Ri-freakin-diculous.

Pheeew. Right, got that off my chest. So for fairly obvious reasons I am looking for another employer. I will try and fight for what remains of my corner at my current workplace, but once I’m square I would really like to move on. Don’t know what doing, not all that bothered. Just something that pays fairly well for the moment. Maybe then I can get myself together and go learn something useful at night school and then look into starting a career I actually enjoy. I would be very interested in working in something like Photography or Advertising/Marketing. Something like that. I do enjoy writing but I don’t think my skills can really progress beyond blog writing, and let’s be honest; they do leave a lot to be desired anyway! I also wouldn’t completely write off modelling either, but I think I’d be hard-pressed to find an agency interested. Only in good taste though, not going down the ‘adult’ route in other words.

Been there, done that, removed my T-shirt.

Kidding, just thought it was funny. Ah I’m sad. Sitting here, on my own, making myself laugh by typing things into Word. Bum fluff. *Chuckle*. Poopy Head *Sniggers*. Titwank *Shakes Head with Serious Face*. That’s just going too far. No, naughty fingers, you don’t write words like that now do you. Naughty corner for you all. Go on. Going have to get by typing with my nose and fists now.

Anywho, I think you’re pretty much up to date on all the important things. And all the not so important things. I will once again try to be a little quicker providing you all with a slightly dramatised snapshot of my life once more. Enjoy my Song of the Moment. Until next time!

15th January (1)

15th January (2)

Night! X


February 12, 2008

Monday, 11 February 2008


Well look, I’ve been able to come on again, isn’t this grand!

My parents took an early night, my Mum because she was tired and my Dad because he has to go to London tomorrow on a business trip. Also my sister is off school tomorrow, but she’s going down town with friends, so there is there remote possibility of dressing time.

I realise how silly this sounds. I can dress anyway I want in day to day life, there’s nothing stopping me, my parents can’t stop me and neither can friends. So why don’t I start dressing as a girl everyday? Why? Well first off I haven’t told some people close to me that would need to know, but apart from that, I’m not sure. I want to do it, but when it actually comes to doing it, I can’t see it at the moment. I can see that happening when I move out and that is the main reason for my desire to fly the nest.

This is where money is an issue, like it always is. It seems like no matter what troubles you have there’s always the issue of money hanging around. I guess I have enough to get me by for the moment. My job pays ok, but I don’t see myself there forever, or at least I don’t want to see myself there forever. I do wish to become something more than just a sales assistant.

Well I’m not sure if I’ve mentioned this before, but they are talking about making more of me. There want me to be a ‘supervisor’ and maybe even the store ‘wine specialist’. That… makes it sound a lot better than it really is. It’s not the going-to-France-and-drinking-wine type specialist, it’s more of the read-an-idiots-guide-to-wine kind of deal. Yeah, but at least it’s a start right?! Would love to be able to make my own wine someday…when I live in California…and when I’m a novel writer or script writer…and when I have a fantastic loving husband…and a view from my room of the San Francisco Bay…

Hmmm, I’m dreaming again. That kind of lifestyle is a long way away, but it could be some kind of target. Something a little more realistic would probably be better; I want to actually reach my life targets!

I think I’ll get to sleep now, and continue that dream.

Night! X

Mascara Paranoia

January 17, 2008

Thursday, 17 January 2008


Ok, here I am, my time of being Ella has ended, at least for the time being. There is very little chance of me having the house to myself in the foreseeable future. But, I don’t mind. I do mind not being Ella fulltime, but I don’t mind that the opportunity to crossdress has gone. It is fun, and I do take photos as a primary goal from dressing up, but to me it is just too scary. I don’t get a rush from it, I just have fear, fear of being caught.

Today was possibly the worst case of that. I well all out today and wore full make-up, mascara included. Now the last time I used mascara I had a terrible time getting it off because I’d not heard of a thing called facial cleansing wipes. On that occasion I rubbed really really hard with a flannel to remove it. Word of advice, do NOT rub your eyes really hard with a flannel.

To explain the inevitable red marks beneath my eyes I claimed that I’d come down with a mysterious illness, or “I got no sleep last night”, depending on who I told. Unfortunately due to my completely poor timing I had my red marks under my eyes not only through an A Level exam, but also on my birthday, when my red eyes were questioned thoroughly by all my caring, but intrusive, relations! Despite everything stacked against me I did seem to manage to get away with it. But I was left completely scared about ever using mascara again.

Since that time, today is only the second time I’ve used it, the first being the time I went out to “The Way Out Club” in London. The reason I used it today was basically because I knew this would be the last time for a while, and I need to practice using mascara after all. So I did it without thinking too much of repercussions. I knew my sister had some make-up removing wipes in her bedroom, and it did say it removed waterproof mascara, so I thought it would be fine.

So yeh I got dressed, took photos, blaady blaady blaa. Then when I had to remove my make-up I took a shower as well as the wipes. When I came out afterwards, all the make-up appeared to have gone, so I was pretty happy. I put everything back in its correct place, got ready for work, and off I went.

At work though, I was completely aware that only an hour or so ago I was completely made up and looked like a girl. This played on my mind a lot and I felt like I’d forgotten something stupid, like I was still wearing my wig, or still had make-up on. I was on the till point, so I didn’t have any mirrors around apart from the one in the product scanner, so I tried to get the right angle to check myself.

All the while I was getting some quite odd looks which only made me feel more like I still had make-up on. I got more and more nervous and felt my heart beating ten to the dozen. When I eventually caught a glimpse of myself in the scanner it did look like I still had remnants of mascara below my eye. So then I felt even worse. I kept checking back again, and every time I looked I saw it differently. I was getting really quite worked up within myself and I felt completely trapped. I couldn’t get off the till point and to go to the toilet because that would attract attention and then people might notice if they hadn’t already. So I patiently just waited until I was taken off, I went up to the toilet, looked at myself in the mirror, and, nothing. I had absolutely no remnants of make-up on at all. I really didn’t understand why I saw it on the till point, but really there was nothing at all. I was so relieved, and I went back down feeling a lot lot better with myself, and I noticed that the customers seemed to be a lot friendlier and more natural with me. The reason so many people thought I looked weird because I was being frantically paranoid, as soon as I was ok with myself, people reacted much better.

So there, I learnt that today. If you act confident and you feel you are ok with yourself, people will feel obliged to react in a friendly way, but if you feel like you look ugly, or you always focus on your own negative points, people will see that you’re depressed and will find it harder to be friendly with you. So, chin up, think about your positive points and people will accept you.

Well there, that’s a good lesson for us all! Isn’t that just lovely.

Right then, you may or may not be pleased to know that my new photos are ready, so I’ll post one below. Let me just say though, the first few I upload will be ‘traditional’, but after that they’re going to be a lot more artsy. I know some people will appreciate that, and I’m hoping they might be more likely to be seen by people outside the transgender spectrum, thus increasing awareness. See, I’m always thinking, not just an occasionally pretty face!

14th January (1)

Night! X

Diary Of An Indecent* Dairy Incident

January 13, 2008

Sunday, 13 January 2008


Right, well, where shall I go tonight? I think I’ll go with the old favourite of ‘customers, and the events that surround them”. Today I had a rather wet experience with a customer and that is in no way dirty. I was sat on a till, minding my own business, and then the customer going through the till behind me dropped a four pint bottle of milk. This bottle, wasn’t just any old bottle, oh no, it was a seemingly highly explosive bottle that the moment it touched the floor milk went in every direction. Seen as I was looking to the side, the left half of my face was splattered with milk, along with my jumper on the back of my chair, my whole tillpoint area, some surrounding customers, some teacakes, the ceiling, all these and more! It was pretty funny to be honest, but not a whole lot of people seemed to see that. It’s like customers have an inbuilt function of never ever being able to see the funny side of things.

When I turned back to deal with the next customer I said hello and she kindly pointed out; “Excuse me dear, but there’s milk on you,”. Uhu, I got that, was what I wanted to say, but instead I just acted surprised and thanked her. Seriously I can’t possibly understand how she didn’t realise I knew, I was after all talking to the people behind me as well.

Anyway, I got covered in milk, fine, I can get over that.

The other day I remember hearing a customer say to her friend after daydreaming “Sorry, I was literally on another planet”. I really really wanted to follow that comment up. “I’m sorry, you were literally on another planet?! Literally?! Wow, well I’m sorry I didn’t know you could travel through time and space so quickly and still be visible here in the food department of your local store! Well, wow, that’s just amazing. Literally on another planet, whatever next…” I wanted to say that, but I didn’t, partly because I would most likely have received an extremely bad complaint and also because I’m really not that pedantic enough to follow it up, it would have just been funny. To me. Nobody else.

Another customer from today asked me in a casual manner if we still do these little sweets which were essentially chocolate and cocunuts mixed and moulded into the shape of a mushroom. I said “No actually, not that I’m aware, I think we stopped doing those” then as a little funny remark I said “It’s a travesty!” I then carried on doing what I was doing which was, by the way, substantially more important than candy mushrooms.

After working a little bit behind the information desk and then setting off to do something else, the same woman came up to me and so “So are you finding out about the mushrooms?” I wasn’t even aware she was waiting for me, nor was I aware that a person could give so many shits about a chocolate mushroom! So, then I went to search through the paper work to try and find what was going on with them. It turned out we had stopped doing them, like I said originally, so then I went back to her and said, “We have actually stopped doing them yeh, so go take your money, shove it… into your purse, and go and by some other chocolate and coconut fungi shaped candy. And because they’re so important and essential to everyday life, I’m sure you will have no problem finding them!!!”

Ok, I didn’t say the last bit, I just told them we don’t do them. She didn’t seem to buy the fact that I’d genuinely looked for her, but finally she decided enough was enough. Thank the lord!

So yes, customers. Some of them may be annoying, but I guess for the most part, they’re alright, after all if it weren’t for them I’d be out of a job. Yes, sometimes they may have ‘brandy breath’, and yes sometimes they blink too much (causing a draught), yes sometimes they may even let their kids sit in the middle of the aisle to play cards and stop you doing your job. They may do all of those things, but when it comes down to it, I love them all.

Big hug customers! Arrrrrr.


Night! X

*Indecent in this respect means ‘not-decent’ or ‘bad’. I just thought it was too good a title to pass up. By the way, I didn’t mean to insinuate any kind of crude act upon a cow.