Archive for December, 2008

Leaving Singledom After 21 Years

December 27, 2008

Saturday, 27 December 2008

01:58

So, I went for it. Here I am typing right now and I’m not single, for the first time in my life. I’m going out with Sarah and I’m loving it! She is amazing, and while I was extremely nervous to start off, things are getting a bit better and hopefully I can soon be more relaxed with her. She is completely accepting of the real me, so much so that she even got me make-up for Christmas. I got loads! Well I think its loads because I’ve never had any, but I really didn’t expect her to get all the basics! It’s all good stuff too, I can’t wait to try it out.

There are some small problems though. Well one really. And this may sound bizarre given what I’ve already told my parents, but I am having a hard time talking about Sarah with them. They don’t yet know that I’m going out with her and that I’m planning to move out in the near future. I know it isn’t, but I can’t help but feel that I’m giving them mixed messages. So I want to be a girl, ok, oh but wait, what’s this, I have a girlfriend now. I know they don’t have to be mutually exclusive, but I would imagine my parents would think so. I just hope it’s not too much at once for them, but then again it has been over a year since I told them. I’m not even sure if they’d take this well or not. If they did take it well, it would probably be because they think the first thing I told them isn’t applicable anymore, but then I guess I’d have to explain it to them.

To make things just a tad more complicated, Sarah doesn’t know that my parents don’t know yet either. It’s not that I’ve lied, she just presumes I have told them, if it came up in conversation I’d probably tell her.

Ok, so what should I do? Is this too much for my parents if they haven’t actually come to accept me yet? Or should I just tell them and live my life without constantly seeking the acceptance of others? I know which option sounds better for me. I guess if I am going to be moving out soon, who I’m going with is going to be one of the first questions! I guess I have to tell them.

I realise that I am yet again over thinking a fairly simple matter, and I’m sorry, but that’s just what I do!

I am very much looking forward to moving out though. It is something that I’ve wanted ever since I got a taste for it at University. Sharing a place with someone who is not only accepting, but excited about the real me is clearly going to give me a lot more time of dressing how I want. I aim to do it pretty much all the time when I’m not working. That should give me more of an idea of how my life will pan out when I go through with this. I also hope to get back to the doctors and start on hormones as soon as I can once I’ve moved in. And we’re not talking years away here, maybe just a month or two, we’ll see what’s around. I honestly can’t wait! Things will probably get a lot more interesting and I’ll try to keep this updated regularly.

Well I better go, don’t want to leave you with an essay to read! Here’s some new pictures!

Oh yeah, and I hope you had a good Christmas and I wish you all a Happy New Year if I don’t write on here before then.

Night! X

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The Sin of Indecision

December 11, 2008

Thursday, 11 December 2008

01:51

Hi, I’d like to apologise once again for the drunken entry you received a few days ago, but on the plus side, it is going to illustrate my point perfectly.

Sarah. She’s a fantastic friend. Extraordinary! Marvellous! Incredible! As a friend. But, we’re moving beyond the ‘friend-zone’ now and into the realms ‘oh-my-god-this-is-all-so-new-to-me-I-don’t-have-a-clue-what-I’m-doing-and-whether-this-is-really-what-I-want’ zone.

The truth is, I guess, I’m finding it hard to be attracted to her for longer than just a night. When we’re kissing, when I’m quite drunk, everything is fine. I love how she makes me feel and I couldn’t be happier. When I wake up the next day, I’m suddenly filled with confusion. I still want to be with her, yes, but then again, I kinda don’t want to be with her. It is the hardest thing to try and write down, but I’m sure anyone who’s been in this situation will know. Am I just reacting this way because I’ve never done it before? Probably.

I think it’s probably got a lot to do with the fact I don’t want to have a relationship while I look like I do now. Because I’ve imagined this situation over in my head, and if I was born a girl I’d probably be jumping at the chance to be with her. I don’t want this gender issue to get in the way of everything, but it seems the possibility of a relationship with someone has made everything more confusing to me.

She’s also quite emotionally vulnerable herself. She’s only recently got over a previous boyfriend who treated her terribly and dumped her the night after she paid for a hotel room with him, and on top of that she opened up to him about a lot of things which is hard enough for Sarah anyway. Because of that I’m scared that I’m going to hurt her as well. I don’t want to be stupid and indecisive when really she needs someone that will stay with her for a long time and I’m not sure I want that. I do want to move in with her, I know that, but I’m not sure if that’s because of her or because I get to be me more.

I want this to work, I really do, but I don’t know if I’m ready. But if I’m not ready now, when will I ever be? Should I just go for it? We’ll see.

Night! X

I’m Feeling Lucky… Punk. (Tipsy Entry)

December 8, 2008

Monday, 08 December 2008

03:39

I’m lucky, I’m not denying that. Sarah knows I’m a girl at heart and she treats me that way. She tells me I’m the girl in this relationship. The relationship I didn’t know existed until tonight. We are really close now, and now our friends know how close. I don’t mind. I had to open up to another of our friends, but once again, she was amazing. I feel so lucky to have these people as friends. I am luckier than I ever thought I could be. I guess my faith in the human race has been restored a little. Sure some people are jerks, but really, most people are not.

Recently, well, last Sunday, my bag went missing because I’m an idiot. I got too drunk and I lost it in one of several places. I lost my iPod as well as the speakers and the more expensive headphones. It cost me about £200, which, in universal terms, is a lot of money. To me anyway. Therefore, after that night, and the subsequent non returning of belongings, I lost faith in the human race. How can people be so comfortable with taking someone else’s belongings with no prior desire to?! I don’t get it. Fortunately, since then I feel that people are better than that generally speaking. Sure some dickwad’s will take anything for free, but I don’t really have to ever bother with them because I’m never gonna be friends with them, and I’m never going to give them the option of a freebie ever again.

I am a little drunk tonight, which makes it a little awkward to be on nights. I’ve gotta go to bed in about 3 hours, but under normal circumstance with my normal drunken state I would just collapse into bed and forget about anything that happened tonight. Right now, I’m forced to review it, and I don’t mind. Nothing happened tonight that I would change. Sure, Sarah kissed me, a lot, in front of my friends, but at least now they know how I feel inside. I honestly feel like a girl when I’m with her and she tells me so, it is like the best feeling in the world. I may be a little beyond sober tonight, but I know what I’m talking about. If Sarah is happy with me as a person like she says she is, then I can’t see us ever having a problem with this relationship ever. But if, like apparently other’s have found, she gets uninterested by me, I guess I’ll have to make do. She’s a great friend, and I can’t ever see that changing. If she just becomes a great friend, I’ll be fine, but I like the idea of a relationship with her.

I get the feeling I’m saying things without even thinking, so I’ll probably leave the important topics for another night. Tonight though, I am just happy I have friends like I do and I hope this feeling will never end. If I do move in with Sarah, like she has suggested, I hope things turn out as good as she’s said it will.

Sorry I’m drunk!

18th November (1)

20th November (1)

Night! X