Clinics, Cars, Claret and Caribous

Monday, 29 August 2011


It’s been the best part of two months since you last heard from me, but I am happy to admit that I am doing well, generally speaking.

A couple of things worth mentioning: I received a letter from the GIC (Gender Identity Clinic) in London with, essentially, an acceptance letter. I just had to send off my details within four weeks to register myself there. Apparently they get a lot of people that contact them asking for appointments that don’t actually get followed through, so they have to be vigilant of things like that.

So I sent off my details and last week I got another letter through confirming my first appointment. It will take place next February. I’d heard various stories about the length of time it took to get an appointment there, but this is about what I expected really. This is only one of the very first steps still and with the amount of cancellations and no-show-ers they must get I would expect this stage to be one of the fastest.

So yeah, that’s happening. I’m happy I’m finally doing something physical about this, but I’m not going to lie; I’m fricking scared! This is quite unlike anything I’ve ever done before, and I’d imagine most people that get these appointments can say something similar. I do still wonder if this is the right thing for me, I mean, I’ve been a lot less upset recently. Like I used to have times when it all got too much and I’d just break down, but that hasn’t happened for a while now. Is it because I’m doing something about it? Or is it something else? I do sometimes wonder whether I’m not just half way transgender. I know that seems bizarre, but I sometimes feel like I’m stuck right in the middle of being male and female. But then, if I look at it from a different angle it all seems completely different. For example, I think that if I had been born female, would I still be going to the GIC? And I think, absolutely not. So then maybe what I am stuck between is actually what is right for me, and what is easy for me. I know I say things like this all the time, because all the time this sort of stuff goes through my head. I know what is right for me, I just know that it’s also a whole lot of work and when it comes down to it, I don’t want a difficult life.

People have this sort of dilemma about all sorts of things. It is most definitely not something that only people like me have to deal with, and I understand that, but that doesn’t make it any easier. Would the difficult life be worth it? Who knows? I guess sometimes you do just have to take a gamble and just do it. I have a terrible habit of faffing about and over-analysing everything. Maybe things won’t work out as bad as I expect.

Anyway, let’s move away from my indecisive scrawl, and onto something a bit happier. I have passed my driving test, and I didn’t do very badly at all either. I’m not sure how the tests are marked in non-UK places but if you’re from the UK you’ll understand what I mean when I say I only got two minors. And they were both for not checking my right mirror when turning right. That was it. I was pretty proud of myself to be honest and since passing I’ve taken a few drives out around the area, and on only my second time out, I decided it was a good time to drive around a nearby safari park. Well I figured if I can manoeuvre around lions and rhinos with relative ease, the city streets will be a doddle!

So obviously I’m pleased about that, and now I can look more seriously at better jobs. Speaking of jobs, what I do now at work has somehow simultaneously become more boring and yet more complex. I now have to help customers around my section with any problems they have. That’s fine for the most part, but my section covers wine, and to be honest the most experience I have of wine is guzzling it down and feeling it’s joyous after effects, which is great, but when a customer asks what a particular wine tastes like, just saying “You guzzle it down and drunken joy ensues” is not enough. So I’ve been on a wine tasting course. Aren’t I the lucky one?!

It was good, but my god isn’t it pretentious?! We were taught how to smell the wine, how to look at the wine, how to taste the wine (but not swallow it) and how to examine your own spit afterwards and see the effects of tannin in your small plastic cup. It was interesting, I’ll give it that, and a lot of the information did help, but it was just a bit unnecessary in general. After all we’re not exactly going to taste every wine we sell, so I still have to boldly lie in the face of customers if they ask “Is this a good Rioja?”. My answer is usually “Yes, yes it is”. Seriously, what were they expecting me to say?

Sometimes that is all they need though. I remember in the first few weeks of my starting this job a customer came up to me and asked “What’s a good white?” and I literally had a quick scan of the shelf, pointed at one with a nice label, said “That one” and he went and bought a case of it! I didn’t even say it with much conviction, but obviously he didn’t really care. I hope it was a nice wine; we still do it so it can’t be that bad, although I have to say I’ve never seen him again! Oh well. I’m a bit better now.

I’m not a terrible worker by the way.

Seriously, hire me.

I like jobs.

Right that about does it for now, I am off to Corfu for a week. It’s very hard to complain about life with conviction when I’m off living the high life flying to Corfu, taking wine tasting courses… driving around safari parks etc etc.


Sarah introduced me to this song, no reason for picking it now other than the fact it has wine in the name. It’s a good song anyway!

Night! X


26 Responses to “Clinics, Cars, Claret and Caribous”

  1. rheapdx1 Says:

    Dearest Ella,

    Congrats on passing the driving exam!! YAY This will and should open up the career landscape a lot more….Congrats again.

    As for the clinic appointment…a little adivce from someone who has been to their doc’s office so often that I have a permanent seat in the waiting room: if these folks are on their game about how they treat their clientle then you will be in good shape. And another bit…if you have any qualms about what they are doing, ask questions….detailed ones. To some, that may seem like one is being a wiseass, but that is not the case. It is an issue of ‘is all of this going to be the right thing ‘ , If it seems a little too odd, get a second or a third opinion, after all it is to protect your interests in this..[by the by it is only a difficult life in this process if a person is doing this for a lark or needed something to do that particular week]

    Good and new work will happen Hon…it is a matter of time. Remember as has been said from this desk before, this is a marathon, not a sprint. [which is what I tell my client about the website project, but you know about that already]. Sometimes, the right and perfect opportunity will drop in when one least expects it…if it also uses all of the skills you have and then some….all the better [I would say gravy over the stuffing but it is not winter yet *S*]

    Have a good time on your Holiday….and just so you know, two little fans here, Rae and Marty say hi as well *S*<3 And here is hoping to hear from you after same….<3<3<3

    Til Later on and Love Always,


  2. john s Says:

    congrats on passing your test it sounds like things are going good for you and your off into the sun of corfu anyway have a good holiday heres looking at you kid

  3. Anonymous Says:

    Happy to hear you are really moving forward in so many things. You may think you ar always questioning yourself, but that is just a natural part of fear. Not letting fears stop you is the definition of courage; and even if you think you aren’t moving ahead , or going fast enough, I find your blogs and stories to be plenty uplifting and inspirational.

  4. Lisa Says:

    I am really pleased that things are going well for you Ella.its only natural you will be a bit scared and apprehensive about it,most people feel that way as its something that will change your life forever.but you have chosen to go through it at the right might not be all be plain sailing at times and sometimes you will wonder whether you have made the right decision.but once you complete your transition to become the woman you always knew that you should be you will realise that it is all worth it.

  5. Anonymous Says:

    I just watched one of your older Youtube videos. You are a very lovely lady. If you need or want a friend, someone who will learn you an ear, when you want to talk, I am your man. You can respond to me at my youtube channel Elvis3700, and I will send you my info for facebook. I am friends with several ladies on youtube,who have either gone through what you are, or are going through it. I just want to offer you my friendship, as I always felt you can never have too many friends.

  6. pinky Says:

    i can relate to the over-analyzing, and dithering. wondering between doing the hard thing or easy thing. it has featured prominently in my life though for different issues than you are dealing with. no-one can tell you the right path but i can recommend therapy to build one’s self esteem. wit confidence will come more decisiveness, and valuing oneself. DR

  7. N Says:

    Hi Ella,

    Congratulations on coming so far along the process. You look amazing! You are also thoughtful and intelligent.

    I too am trans. I have been living as a woman for over two years. Nobody knows unless I tell them. However, I have not gone very far beyond taking hormones. Even my hormones are very low dosages. I am quite happy with my body. I have a good life.

    I was laid off three years ago, when my employer discovered that I was transitioning. That was in the middle of the recession. I was unemployed for 15 months before I found my current job. I encountered trouble on this job too, specifically with the people who knew that I am trans because I interviewed for this job with my old male name. Because I pass well now and because I never worked on this job as male, the rest of the people do not seem to know. I get treated better.

    It is important to remember that it is the economy, not you. Don’t be hard on yourself when struggling with your job search. Persistence and planning matter. Post your qualifications on Linkedin. Network with as many people as you can (I was going to say school or college alumni, but I do not know if you want to be out to them). Those are the best ways to find a job.

    I have an okay life. Things seem to be going well. However, I find myself incredibly lonely. I am in deep stealth, meaning that I cut off ties with most people who knew me as male, except my family. I find it hard to date and form new friendships. I present in society as female, not trans. I am 31, and most people my age already have enough friends, while I cut off ties with my old friends. I never had a relationship as male because I was too reserved then. Now most women reject me because I am trans. So socialization is tough.

    What I am trying to say is that you have many challenges. If not one, then another. Life is hard for everyone, perhaps harder for us trying to correct our physical characteristics to match our gender. Be brave. Be persistent. Also quit early if you have to quit anything. Don’t continue just because everyone expects you to. If meeting any employer gives you a bad feeling, do not continue. Don’t be too desperate. Most importantly, be kind to yourself. I need to do that too.

    Hope this helps!

  8. Sarah Says:

    Hi Ella,

    I have just come across your blog and am really touched by the way you write about what must be a difficult and challenging time in your life. You sound extremely together and sorted – I just wanted to say congratulations and how much I admire your attitude.

    My name is Sarah and I am a freelance journalist – I was wondering whether you might be interested in talking to me about your experiences? It’s totally fine if not, I just think you could be such an inspirational person who could help other people in your situation who might be needing some help or guidance. I can imagine it’s incredibly isolating to have to deal with so much.

    Please feel free to contact me on and I can let you know more about I work and how we could work together. Please accept my best wishes,


  9. Felipe Says:

    Hi Ella. I’ve been following you for a while but this is my first time posting here. I always felt interested and inspired by transgenders, also having been following the blogs of Kim Petras over the years. All my life I always considered myself a normal heterosexual cisgender male, but lately in the last months I discovered myself both bisexual and transgender. My transgenderism came out rather late, when I was 23 years old (I am 24 now). It’s a strange thing I can’t understand or explain and I don’t know how you felt when you first experienced these feelings of being in the wrong body, but I think you’ll agree it’s not a voluntary feeling, something we want to happen, it’s something that just happens. I know sometimes I have a fear of uncertainty and hesitation about my transgenderism, if I should really transition (family and society is not a major problem, I’ll try to ignore any opposition they might express, the problem is really internal) but the truth is that my body fills with a warmth of happiness and joy when I imagine myself with a female body, as a cute and feminine girl, and being recognized as a woman. I’ve been taking hormones on my own (yes, I am aware of the dangers), small doses so far, and also mostly antiandrogens to decrease the masculinization of my body, but when I am certain and older I may come out to my family and make the transition in the right way, with an proper endocrinologist. I just wanted to tell you that you are not alone, but I also wanted to know if I am not alone myself.

  10. Traci Says:

    Hi Ella. I’ve been following your blog for quite a while now, a few years. It never ceases to amaze me how attractive you are. If I hadnt known, I would not have known at all that you werent born female. I know a LOT of other transwomen who get thousands of dollars worth of work done and still dont look half as good as you do. Dont ever doubt who you were born to be. The proof is in the mirror. I’ve NEVER seen another transgirl who was as naturally feminine as you. I left my link in case you wanna see who your talking to. This Texas transwoman is signin off now. Take care of yourself doll and feel free to e-mail me.

  11. Verity Says:

    are you ok, we havent heard anything from you in a long time we hope to hear soon from you and we are lucky to have some pictures as proof ;P take care

  12. Jaden Peterson Olafer Says:

    It s been a while since the last time I saw it, but it doesn t take much to realize Hoop Dreams is one of the all time greats.

  13. Jamie Darling Says:

    Where are you my dear. We miss you!

  14. Sara Fleetwood Says:

    Dear Ella,

    I cannot pretent to understand the inner conflict to have been having to deal with. You truly are an inspirational person. Looking over your photo stream your beauty shines like a beacon in the dark world. I am glad to see that things may be progressing for you. My hope for you that you will be able to find some inner piece for yourself soon. You have an honourable and brave heart to get this far. Keep those hypnotic eye smiling. As Fleetwood Mac sang “Once in a million years, a lady like her rises”

    Hugs and my best wishes to you.


  15. Anonymous Says:

    It sounds to me like he landed back on earth with a big bump. Hello reality, anyone…?

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  26. Archy Says:

    Hello! I hope here can be Ella’s friends, who know her in her real life. Would you please, send these drawings to her, thanks beforehand!

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