Archive for March, 2008

It’s Your Life…Right?!

March 25, 2008

Tuesday, 25 March 2008


I’m currently trying to stay up until the early hours so that my upcoming night shifts will be a bit more productive. The thing is, I am a little tipsy after several interesting tasting drinks at one of the “glorified bars” in town. I would just like to take this moment to say that I’m not always out drinking and I do not in anyway suggest it as a form of escapism. Yes it does help to alleviate problems that bug me from day to day, but if I drank every day, this would become a problem in itself. I’m not always drunk and I don’t need alcohol to have a good night, it just helps!

Anyway, my life right now… When I’m not working or out having fun I’m lost in thought. So many things have been going through my mind recently. I still have not been back to the doctors to get the ball rolling again. Why?! I don’t know. I think maybe I’m just scared, like, let’s face it, any person would be. This is after all a huge literally life changing decision that if I screw up will bug me the rest of my life. The thing is, is that I’m so jealous of the other girls that have gone through it and got further than me and are living as girls. I am jealous but even that doesn’t make me go out there and sort myself out. Telling my parents has both been a blessing and a curse, unfortunately the blessing side of it seems to be disguised. It has been an extremely effective reality check, which does let me set my horizons horizontal again, but then it does make me feel absolutely terrible for what I’m doing to my family. I know it’s my life and all that, but whatever I do is going to affect the family in some way and it seems like it’s most likely to be a negative affect. I’m just wondering, is all of this really worth it? I could stay living as a guy. My family would be fine with me, my friends would be ok, but I would always regret that decision, I just know it, and I will constantly try to push the boundaries as far as I can to make myself appear as female as possible. Or I could start living as a female and possibly alienate half my family just for my own satisfaction. Both ways seem like the wrong thing to do.

Despite the amount of times people say it, I still don’t believe it fully; my life cannot always be what I want it to be. There are so many factors that affect it. For instance I speak to countless married crossdressers who hide their secret from their wives. Sometimes these people have kids too. Now, how can “Live your life how you want” be a good suggestion to someone in this position. It is such a difficult situation to sort out. If you told the truth it could wreck your life, completely throw open the gates of the unknown. So the question is really, would you rather a life of lies and laughter, or truths and troubles? It’s a tricky one, and really I do not know my answer to that yet. Lets just say, my ‘Becoming Ella’ is far from the imminent reality just now, even though I want it so much.

Night! X


The Definition of a Bad Night Out

March 15, 2008

Saturday, 15 March 2008


It seems like occasional updates are the way forward, instead of daily. I may get back into it again properly, but I won’t kick myself if I don’t.

I’ve been back at work this week, and everything has fallen back to exactly how it was before. Nothing really seems to have changed which is great for me because I can just get on with it again.

As I said a few days ago, I was supposed to go out on the Monday night with all my friends to our usual club. We did, but that’s pretty much the only good thing about it. Overall the night was a complete disaster, I’ll run you through it.

It started fine enough. We were all over at a friend of mines who owns a Wii. I went there straight from work so it was basically straight into party mode. Playing on the Wii may sound harmless enough, but a friend called Rob suggested “Drinking Bowling”. The rules, if that’s what they can be called, were that if you drop the ball, you have a shot, if you get a gutterball, you have a shot, if you get a half strike, you have a shot, if you get a strike, you have two shots, if you drop the ball first but then roll a strike, you have a triple shot etcetera etcetera. This was done for every round. So there’s ten rounds, and when you bear in mind that Wii bowling is easier than real bowling, you can understand just how many units we got through in about half an hour.

Thus, blurriness of the brain is induced.

After an amount of time we called a cab to take us into town, by which time the friend who’s house it was, was pretty sloshed, and we were worried about whether he was going to get in or not. I was especially worried because I was supposed to be crashing at his that night too. It turns out we were right to be worried. Before entering the club he was sick onto a wall we had to hold him to keep him from falling into his own mess. Basically it was extremely over-optimistic to think that he’d get in, and when he didn’t, Rob stayed with him to sober up. So in went the rest of us.

After another forgotten amount of time, Rob started ringing and texting us for the house keys of the guy that was too far gone. (We figured it would probably be best to give him as few things to lose as possible) Rob rang me, and, if anyone else has been in a packed noisy club recently, and tried to hear someone on the phone, you’ll realise just how difficult it is. Eventually, after countless attempts he came running up to us to get the keys, only to find out that he had them all along, which annoyed us all.

So the drunk guy went off home not to be heard of again for a while. And so the night continued. It got progressively worse. All of my friends, bar one, had relationship problems. A couple we were with started fighting over nothing in particular, a friend of mine’s possible boyfriend just admitted he hadn’t got over his ex. One girl we were with ‘pulled’ and we heard nothing from her after that until an “I’ve made a huge mistake” text the next day. I was just sat in the middle not really knowing what to do or say to anyone.

Finally the club shut and we headed home. Well I headed for the drunk guys house, still hoping for a night there. After all, all of my things were there, including house keys, my bike, my clothes. Me, and the arguing couple, who were hoping to stay at his house too, got there only to find the place completely shut up. And he wasn’t answering his phone. As it stood we were outside his house at 4am looking for ways to ‘break in’ without actually ‘breaking’ anything. After one guy climbed on the garage, we came to the conclusion that there was no way to do that, so, after much contemplation and worry for his health, we gave up.

We headed to the girls’ house which was luckily not too far away. She then broke it to me that I couldn’t stay there, but her boyfriend could, because her mother and daughter was there and would not approve of a random person on their sofa. They then suggested I bike it back to my house with the guys bike. I was about 2 ½ miles from home and I was still under the affect of alcohol, so I didn’t like the idea, but it seemed I didn’t have any choice. I got on the bike only to find, lo and behold, that it had a puncture. There were no more options left, I was just going to have to make my own way back, whatever way I could.

So I walked back into town, on my own, in the dark, at a nasty time of night, in search of a cab which I was lucky enough to be able to afford. I walked about a mile looking for one, but it did happen and eventually I did manage to get back home and into my own nice warm bed.

It was one hell of a night for all the wrong reasons. I just hope they don’t come around that often.

There were so many things that happened that night that I won’t touch on simply because it needs lengthy back stories and frankly, I don’t have the time/give a damn. That was five nights ago and in another two nights they’re planning on doing it all again, lets just hope it goes smoother.

Oh yeh, here’s a kinda new picture. Not new, just not uploaded. I really want to take some new ones again soon.

Candid Me

One more thing, check out Genderfork. One of my pictures is on there, yay!

Night! X

A Fortnight’s Freedom Finished

March 10, 2008

Monday, 10 March 2008


I really feel annoyed with myself for not updating, but hey, that’s the way it goes sometimes. It’s not just uploading on here for people to read, it’s more for my own benefit when I’m older. These past two weeks have been very busy with clubbing and having fun. I’ve met a few knew people, I’ve learnt a few new things about people I already knew, and I met some people I once knew that I stopped knowing, but have now got the chance to know again. It’s great!

One of my biggest things to hear was that I am fancied, by girls that I know. What am I supposed to do about that?! Just tell them all and get it over with? I think that’s probably the best option, but when they’re in a big group it’s difficult. There’s one girl in particular that I’ve just met over the past few weeks and she’s going out with one of my best friends. She is, cool, I guess, but compared to my best friends ex, she is a lot more outgoing, sexual and flirty. She flirts with me openly in front of my friend, I feel really awkward for him because his last girlfriend was nothing like this. Also his ex has also started being flirty with me, which seems to me, to be a means of getting back at my friend. It’s all very complicated and maybe one day I’ll talk more about my friends, because at the moment there’s a whole lot of ‘soap’-like drama going on. Unwanted pregnancies, bisexual attraction, talent show applying. It all gets ahead of me so quickly it’s difficult to keep up. Worst of all my whole group of friends is sex-obsessed, and they all know I’m a virgin, so when the conversation somehow makes its way to me, there’s usually an awkward silence. I want to be open with them, but I like them all so much I’d hate to break up the group with difference of opinion. Some people would stand by me, most I believe, but there’s a couple of people I would certainly question understanding.

Also, there is a party on the horizon. 5th April. And it’s fancy dress…

Do I dare? Do I go as something female?! They said anything goes, so….

I don’t know, I’ll see. I really want to, but, again, we’ll see.

By the way, if you can’t tell from the inevitable spelling mistakes I’ve failed to notice and the general typing-whilst-drunk vibe of this entry, I have had a few to drink. Only a few but enough to blur the lines a bit. Unfortunately drink has taken a very prominent role in the last fortnight, which has been fun, yes, but it has also felt like it’s gone ten times quicker because I can’t remember much of it. All of a sudden, here I am one night away from working again. It’s annoying! Why do holidays always come to an end?! In a way I want to get back, just so I can feel more like I’m doing something with my life and I will be a little more distracted from my gender problems, but in so many more ways, I want to go out with friends and have fun!

Well it’s getting late again, and I really should get a relatively early night for my 1pm start tomorrow. Until the crack of noon…

Night! X