It’s Snow Fair

Monday, 18 March 2013

15:41

Sorry if snow related puns ruin your day, there’s snow more, honest.

I have been putting off this entry in the hope that I would get some good news from the GIC soon. But alas, ‘soon’ appears to be a word that is seldom used at the clinic.

Here’s the current situation: My second appointment was due on the 18^th January. Unfortunately the god of weather decided I’d be better off staying in and began dumping inch upon inch of snow onto the unsuspecting ground. Now, in case you didn’t know the UK as a whole does not react well to the white stuff. Cancellations and amended timetables were the order of the day at the train station, but that didn’t really matter because getting to the train station was hard enough in itself. Bearing in mind it takes me over three hours in total to get to the clinic, there was snow chance that I was going to get there in time, if indeed I got there.

So I phoned them up and postponed it. I did it as soon as I could that day, but due to their high cancellation rates and the ‘NHS Guidelines’ you are supposed to give 48 hours notice. This had me concerned as I really didn’t want to have to go through the whole GP, psychiatrist treatment again. I also sent in the letter of cancellation (which they require) and basically since then I’ve been left in the dark.

I’ve been trying to get through to them the past few weeks, but they’ve either been busy or engaged, sometimes immediately after each other which is peculiar. But thankfully last week I broke through and got to speak to someone. I asked about my appointment and she reassured me that they had received my letter and my appointment would be rearranged, but she did not specify a timeframe.

It has been two months since I was supposed to have my appointment and I wouldn’t have heard a thing from them if I hadn’t phoned them myself. Is this what they are like? I was under the impression that once you are an actual patient of the clinic things started moving a little quicker. Maybe I was being optimistic.

The other result of this is that the Finasteride which I had started a course on, has since finished and I have been unable to continue it until it’s cleared by Dr. Lorimer.

So there you go. I’ve found the right road to head down, but unfortunately it’s covered in snow and the only people with a snow shovel are withholding it.

In other news, news I failed to mention last time; I have a nice new written warning from work. Just like the time I stole a turkey but didn’t. Only this time I had a debilitating illness and couldn’t breathe properly. I think it’s only fair I’m punished for that, no? The written warning basically means that for 12 months I won’t get a pay rise or a bonus if we get one at all.

Because I was off longer than is allowed and because my illness isn’t underlying, I have been issued with a big smack round the ear hole. Gotta love absence policies.

Well since then I have written up a letter to Head Office explaining my situation and my unhappiness about it. It shall be sent today and I really hope I get a reply from it. I doubt anything will actually change because of it, but I just feel like I wanted to share my personal experience with their policies and what I felt about it.

In other, other news. Pictures! I have got quite a few ready to upload that I have taken since my last update. A lot of them were taken with my iPad and therefore aren’t quite as clear. To be honest though, the lack of pixels sure makes it easier to achieve a smooth complexion! Also you may notice that I have a new wig or two. Well, eagle eyes, you are correct. I bought a couple near the end of last year and these few sets comprise mostly of those. I’ve gotta say it, blonde does seem to suit me quite well, or at least I think so. I did used to be blonde after all.

So there you go, my life over the past few months, condensed and thrown across a web page for you all to peruse. My song of the moment is actually really more of my album of the moment. That album would be “Tales from the Thames Delta” by The Milk. This song is basically just one of my favourites from that album. They’re a great band and there’s really snow-one like them out there at the moment.

Night! X

Snow.

The Doctor Will GIC You Now

Sunday, 23 September 2012

22:48

It’s funny how trains make me feel nervous every time I use them. The same way that I associate airports with holidays, I relate trains with importance. If I’m on a train I’m probably doing something that’s pretty memorable or different, going to a new place or meeting people I’ve never met before. This last time was no different.

I took the train down to the fine city of London for my visit to the Gender Clinic last Thursday. This time I had rung up the day before to be sure my appointment hadn’t been cancelled… again, which it hadn’t thankfully, so I was happy about that but at the same time quite scared. This time it was actually going to happen. It has been a long time coming, not all of it due to waiting list times, some of it was due to my unavailability as well, but finally the day was here. Have I built it up enough yet? I think so.

So I had an appointment with Dr. Stuart Lorimer. I hope he doesn’t mind me naming him, I really don’t see why he would. Well I guess he may do if I started saying I thought he was an asshole, but he absolutely was not akin to any kind of human orifice whatsoever. He’s a really nice guy. He immediately put me at ease, he was friendly, he listened, and I felt like I could really open up with him. The appointment was basically another assessment of my case, as my first one was now several years ago. He just wanted to know if anything had changed between now and then. So there were all of the sorts of questions you’d expect. When did it all start? Who have you told? How did they react? Those sorts of things. One thing I was scared of was that he’d be constantly judging me, trying to read my thoughts or something, but if he was doing that, he was doing it very subtly!

So that hour passed by pretty quickly. I actually came away from it being incredibly relieved and happy. It is always good to get something off your chest anyway, but when it’s something that’s been there for as long as you can remember, and they completely understand what I mean, it feels fantastic!

I have a second assessment in January, so until then it’s pretty much back to how it was for the moment. I made a decision from that meeting that I am going to have to talk straight with my parents pretty soon to see where we all stand on the matter now. It’s been out there a while, it’s been given the chance to sink in, so hopefully any rage or upset will have subsided, but we will see I guess. Hopefully it’s not the sort of thing that festers over time, but even if it is we should probably get it out sooner rather than later anyway.

Lastly, Dr. Lorimer suggested I start on Finasteride due to my rapidly retreating hairline. Pretty much all of the older males in my family have long since lost the vast majority of their hair so he’s suggesting I start Finasteride to combat it. I am greatly considering it, but would be curious to hear some stories from people that may have used it in the past or are on it currently. I know most people probably don’t want to hear that the girl they see in the pictures on here is having issues with Male Pattern Baldness but I want to be as honest as possible without shaming myself!

Also lastly and actually unrelated to my trip down London town, at work we have just started employing a whole host of new people. I mention this because, now I’m not 100% on this, but I think one of the new starters could be a transsexual woman. Now this affects me in a few ways. First of all, excellent, my employer is happy to accept this (not that they really have a choice) so that bodes well for me if I wished to stay if I transition. Secondly, excellent, I may have someone very close to home that I can talk about all this and not be worried of repercussions. Thirdly, how do I go about introducing myself to her whilst remaining ‘undercover’? And fourthly, what if she recognises me? Now normally I wouldn’t expect her to. I mean it’s not like I’m immediately recognisable to every transsexual in Britain because I do this blog and post a few flickr pictures. My ego isn’t that swollen…yet. But it’s just the way she’s been looking at me. I don’t know, there’s a sort of hidden knowledge in her eyes. Yes I’m probably being paranoid. But let me just do this…

If you are this woman and know who I am; Hi! Sorry I’ve not come and greeted you properly. I’m sure you’ll understand as to why. I would very much like to chat with you but for the moment could it just be from the comfort of respective computer chairs? So if you do know and you want a chat then leave me a comment (please don’t feel like you have to!). However if you don’t know me, then you won’t be here reading this and I’ll be speaking to literally nobody at all. Hell, you might not even be transsexual; I may have missed the mark completely. Either way, I hope you enjoy working with us and I truly hope that you don’t get any sort of ‘hate’ related issues. It’s not so much the staff I’m worried about, it’s the minority of rude customers I’d be more concerned about. They can be devastatingly offensive given the option.

Anyway, that is about it from me today. I feel I have said enough!

Song of the Moment: Photosynthesis by Frank Turner.

 

It’s not so much just this song it’s all of his stuff. I’ve only recently discovered him and I’m having a bit of a secret love affair with him. Don’t tell Sarah.

Night! X

Clinics, Cars, Claret and Caribous

Monday, 29 August 2011

00:03

It’s been the best part of two months since you last heard from me, but I am happy to admit that I am doing well, generally speaking.

A couple of things worth mentioning: I received a letter from the GIC (Gender Identity Clinic) in London with, essentially, an acceptance letter. I just had to send off my details within four weeks to register myself there. Apparently they get a lot of people that contact them asking for appointments that don’t actually get followed through, so they have to be vigilant of things like that.

So I sent off my details and last week I got another letter through confirming my first appointment. It will take place next February. I’d heard various stories about the length of time it took to get an appointment there, but this is about what I expected really. This is only one of the very first steps still and with the amount of cancellations and no-show-ers they must get I would expect this stage to be one of the fastest.

So yeah, that’s happening. I’m happy I’m finally doing something physical about this, but I’m not going to lie; I’m fricking scared! This is quite unlike anything I’ve ever done before, and I’d imagine most people that get these appointments can say something similar. I do still wonder if this is the right thing for me, I mean, I’ve been a lot less upset recently. Like I used to have times when it all got too much and I’d just break down, but that hasn’t happened for a while now. Is it because I’m doing something about it? Or is it something else? I do sometimes wonder whether I’m not just half way transgender. I know that seems bizarre, but I sometimes feel like I’m stuck right in the middle of being male and female. But then, if I look at it from a different angle it all seems completely different. For example, I think that if I had been born female, would I still be going to the GIC? And I think, absolutely not. So then maybe what I am stuck between is actually what is right for me, and what is easy for me. I know I say things like this all the time, because all the time this sort of stuff goes through my head. I know what is right for me, I just know that it’s also a whole lot of work and when it comes down to it, I don’t want a difficult life.

People have this sort of dilemma about all sorts of things. It is most definitely not something that only people like me have to deal with, and I understand that, but that doesn’t make it any easier. Would the difficult life be worth it? Who knows? I guess sometimes you do just have to take a gamble and just do it. I have a terrible habit of faffing about and over-analysing everything. Maybe things won’t work out as bad as I expect.

Anyway, let’s move away from my indecisive scrawl, and onto something a bit happier. I have passed my driving test, and I didn’t do very badly at all either. I’m not sure how the tests are marked in non-UK places but if you’re from the UK you’ll understand what I mean when I say I only got two minors. And they were both for not checking my right mirror when turning right. That was it. I was pretty proud of myself to be honest and since passing I’ve taken a few drives out around the area, and on only my second time out, I decided it was a good time to drive around a nearby safari park. Well I figured if I can manoeuvre around lions and rhinos with relative ease, the city streets will be a doddle!

So obviously I’m pleased about that, and now I can look more seriously at better jobs. Speaking of jobs, what I do now at work has somehow simultaneously become more boring and yet more complex. I now have to help customers around my section with any problems they have. That’s fine for the most part, but my section covers wine, and to be honest the most experience I have of wine is guzzling it down and feeling it’s joyous after effects, which is great, but when a customer asks what a particular wine tastes like, just saying “You guzzle it down and drunken joy ensues” is not enough. So I’ve been on a wine tasting course. Aren’t I the lucky one?!

It was good, but my god isn’t it pretentious?! We were taught how to smell the wine, how to look at the wine, how to taste the wine (but not swallow it) and how to examine your own spit afterwards and see the effects of tannin in your small plastic cup. It was interesting, I’ll give it that, and a lot of the information did help, but it was just a bit unnecessary in general. After all we’re not exactly going to taste every wine we sell, so I still have to boldly lie in the face of customers if they ask “Is this a good Rioja?”. My answer is usually “Yes, yes it is”. Seriously, what were they expecting me to say?

Sometimes that is all they need though. I remember in the first few weeks of my starting this job a customer came up to me and asked “What’s a good white?” and I literally had a quick scan of the shelf, pointed at one with a nice label, said “That one” and he went and bought a case of it! I didn’t even say it with much conviction, but obviously he didn’t really care. I hope it was a nice wine; we still do it so it can’t be that bad, although I have to say I’ve never seen him again! Oh well. I’m a bit better now.

I’m not a terrible worker by the way.

Seriously, hire me.

I like jobs.

Right that about does it for now, I am off to Corfu for a week. It’s very hard to complain about life with conviction when I’m off living the high life flying to Corfu, taking wine tasting courses… driving around safari parks etc etc.

 

Sarah introduced me to this song, no reason for picking it now other than the fact it has wine in the name. It’s a good song anyway!

Night! X

The Waiting Game

Monday, 4 July 2011

01:01

I’ve had my appointment at the doctors, and it went… well I guess. It was in many ways different to the time I did it previously. This time I had a male doctor to talk to and, to put it frankly; he didn’t exactly seem that confident talking about it. He seemed fairly unsure about it all and I’m not sure if that was because he didn’t really understand it or he didn’t agree with it, but that’s just the vibe I got from him.

I didn’t really have a lot to tell him that he didn’t already know either. Everything I’d said in the previous appointment was all there in front of him, so he basically just needed to judge my mental stability.

Thankfully he diagnosed me as a stable individual and he said there’s no reason psychologically why I couldn’t get a referral to the Gender Clinic. He mentioned that if I suffered from some kind of crippling depression or the like, then it would be unwise to refer me as I would be less likely to cope with all the after affects of the surgery, which certainly makes sense to me. There I was thinking that I wouldn’t get the referral because I wasn’t unhappy enough and it actually turns out to be the other way around.

So I got the referral. Or at least he said he’d give me a referral. I was hoping to have received a letter from the doctors by now, so I could have spoken about it on here as well, but so far nothing has turned up. It has been three weeks, and I think he said that I should allow more time than that for the letter to turn up, but I’d just like it now, I just want to know what’s happening. The letter is supposed to contain information on whether I’ve been accepted to be funded by the local council. He did mention that it has recently been a lot more likely that funding will be given, so I’m fairly confident about getting that.

This then led me to ask how many people have come in for the same issue as me, and he said that so far this year he’d had about five. He also mentioned that he thought that was quite a high number, but to be honest it’s not far off what I imagined it would be.

So here I am now, waiting for my letter to arrive. He mentioned that if I didn’t get the funding I could call the person that would deal with it directly and see if it could be sorted out from there, but unfortunately he also said that he’d send the number for that person through the post, and obviously so far I’ve received nothing. I really do just have to sit this one through.

Other than the appointment I have actually done a few other things. I celebrated my 24^th birthday on the 10^th of June and for it I went to see Jimmy Eat World live in London a week or so after. I have to say, they were damn good; would definitely recommend seeing them live if you like their music. To reflect how damn awesome they are I’ll link to possibly their most famous song, even if this isn’t exactly a true reflection of the style of the rest of their tracks.

I’ve also taken and passed my driving theory test and have booked my practical test for the 2^nd of August. I am a bit nervous about it, but at the same time quietly confident. Hopefully passing it will open up my job prospects quite considerably even if I can’t afford a car right now. Just being able to drive would be a useful skill.

So there you go, just a quick update as to where I stand. I’m feeling fairly upbeat about it, and just getting on as normal with the rest of my life as this goes on. I cannot let this rule my life.

Night! X

Taking the Right Road

Monday, 9 May 2011

00:13

So, I was supposed to have an appointment at a nearby Mental Health Clinic on the 4^th. It didn’t happen in the end, but not because I pulled out or anything. Rather ironically the doctor called in sick, so I got the receptionist ringing me in the morning telling me they had to rearrange an appointment. They have done so and I now have to wait again until the 15^th June. I’m not too bothered about it to be honest. This whole thing is a ridiculously long process anyway so an extra month’s wait isn’t really that big of a deal.

I have been having doubts here and there about it all, but it inevitably comes back around to being what I want to do. I know it’s not a simple thing to do, but I also know I would always regret it forever more if I did nothing. That alone is reason enough.

Other than that not a whole lot of blog-worthy things have happened. I’m getting on at work, doing more than I’m being paid for and yet still being paid less than other people at my level thanks to turkey-gate the Christmas before last. Still hoping for a promotion, but at the same time looking around for more work, albeit not that thoroughly.

I still don’t really know what I want to do, job-wise. I still love writing, but I also never feel like it. I love playing the piano, but my keyboard stays stubbornly under the bed. The only job worthy skill I have is being adept in the use of computers, which would have been great fifteen years ago, but these days it’s kind of just expected of you.

I think what I really need is a bit of self discipline. I need to set aside time each day to do something productive that isn’t just cleaning and tidying. I say I should do this, but I sort of feel now that I probably won’t. I can barely make myself come on here to type this up; even now Family Guy is on and my right eye and ear is mostly focused on that.

My Mum always told me to not just let things happen. Don’t wait for things to come to you, you need to go out there and find them. Unfortunately up until this point in my life, I haven’t really gone out of my way all that much to be where I’m at today, so therefore I’ve never really learnt that lesson. I think it’s time I started to pay attention to some of the things my Mum told me when I was younger.

Oh yes, there was another thing to tell you all. I’ve had my hair cut. I have to be honest, it did need it, but if it were completely down to me I probably wouldn’t have cut it as short as it is now. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not short short. It can still pass for a female cut, but I have a family wedding to go to at the end of the month and I need to look smart for it. Fair enough it wasn’t really smart before, but I do miss the length.

There is a bit of a story behind my cut as well. It was actually two cuts. The first time I went to a unisex (although mainly female) salon and asked for a “shaggy style” cut to just over my ears and with a fringe. The hairdresser did not speak English very well. I walked out the salon with a fairly obvious ‘bob’ cut, and no fringe.

I thought it looked pretty good despite it being completely different to what I asked for. But it was patently obvious that it was a girls cut and the next few days I got quite a bit of playful teasing about it at work. I decided that, excuse the pun, my hair wasn’t exactly going to cut it with my family at the wedding, so I headed off to a men’s salon and got it done by someone that could speak my language and I came out with something resembling the description I’d requested when I walked in.

That is there-and-abouts the story of my hair. I am not unhappy with it, but I do miss how long it was before.

That is about all I have to say. I’ve just had a lovely week off work, so I’m feeling pretty chilled out all round. We haven’t really been out to do much as we have next to no money, but it was a good week in all.

Here’s my Song of the Moment and there’s also a couple more pictures from that last batch. Hopefully there’ll be some more new ones soon.

 

Night! X

Decisions Decisions

Saturday, 14 August 2010

23:10

And there it went.

So, I pulled out. I decided it wasn’t for me. I’m a bit of a tease really aren’t I?! Yeah, I decided against it because, well there’s several reasons. First off it was becoming apparent that I would have needed to be going away for the weekend quite often and I can’t be constantly running away from my loving girlfriend all the time. I’m lucky to have her in the first place and to put that in jeopardy would be a ridiculously silly thing to do, I’m sure you understand.

Second reason: Seen as I would be going away quite often I would need to constantly make up stories to tell both mine and Sarah’s parents when I couldn’t go to either for a Sunday roast. I had to do it the one time for that photo-shoot and I immediately remembered how much I hated intentionally misleading people. Partly because I’ve been doing it all my life and it can never be a good thing to get back into that, and partly because I’m not very good at lying. Which is also basically my third reason:

I’m not very good at acting. And I believe that would have developed into a bit of a necessity! Granted I’ve never actually tried acting, and I’m always told it’s not that hard, but I figure that if there are some whole schools dedicated to it then it can’t be one of those things that you can just “blag your way through”. Well you could, but it could end up looking like a bad acted porno. Which leads nicely onto my last reason.

Whilst not technically porn, it was close enough for me to reconsider. It’s what it’s all about even if I wasn’t going to be showing more than I already have. I made a promise to myself several (hundred) posts ago that I would never do anything porny, and I think I should stick to my principles. Well if I don’t who else is going to?!

I think that’s all the reasons I have to be honest. I do wish the Tranisa.com crew the best of luck and I hope that it all works out well. They really are a nice bunch of people and if any of you are considering modelling for them and are sure you want to do it, just go for it. I look forward to seeing the kind of things they make.

What? I will. I watch porny things, why not? Well actually I don’t, I read it. And that’s all I have to say on the matter…

…

Every time I write porny it just makes me wonder if there’s ever been a porn film called “My Little Porny”.

…

Google says no, but apparently it was front page news in Bristol (?!)

Oh and there’s a quiz based on this very concept. But when isn’t there?

(I got 2 out of 12!)

Sorry, my mind does wander sometimes. I think I need to ban myself from using Google when I’m writing one of these, it really does interfere. Within about 5 minutes I’d have been viewing the history of sporks for no particular reason.

So yes anyway, my main point is that I won’t be carrying on with my modelling, at least in this way. I would like to do modelling that’s, say, more family-friendly though.

Some possible good news; Sarah now works earlies whilst I’m working lates, so whilst it’s not exactly great for us, the good thing is that I might be able to write up on here a little more often. Just don’t expect pictures everytime! I unfortunately don’t get that much time to dress with make-up. I will continue to upload a few unseen photos from the shoot though.

That’s enough for now, I have more to say, but if I keep them for another entry it might actually make me do it!

Oh yes, I almost forgot, here’s a song of the moment. Well it was 2 months ago, but it’s still relevant. One of my favourite songs ever, it really is quite beautiful.

 

Night! X

Tranisa.com

Tuesday, 14 July 2010

22:06

Ok, here goes.

This is exciting. Exciting, but still pretty nerve-wracking! I’ve had a professional photo shoot done for a new website, along with a couple of videos. I think I’ll just go ahead and show you them. There’s not a whole lot of point beating around the bush. First off, there’s this. It’s a video of my photo shoot.

 

Different look right? Never thought blonde would suit me as much as it did, but then I did used to be blonde when I was younger so I guess it makes sense.

Ok, and here are a few of the photos that came out of it.

 

So, the website, in case you haven’t guessed by now is Tranisa.com. What it hopes to do is create non-explicit transgender fantasy films. I’m sure some of you will be familiar with Fictionmania, and that’s basically what this is but with films instead of stories. They are currently looking for more models/actors to star in their films, so why not go for it if you want to!

I hope this project does work out well for the people involved, whether I’m part of it or not. I think it will as well, it does seem like something that’s lacking on the internet, or anywhere for that matter.

I don’t think I’m going to go on and say much more for now. Yesterday I had a 13 hour night shift and I’m feeling a little tired today, what with my messed up sleep pattern, so I don’t really feel like staying up much longer. I think what I’ve given you is enough stuff to peruse for now anyway. I look forward to hearing your feedback about it all!

One thing I will just say, yes I know, I really need to sort out my voice. I really do hate it, and what is more annoying is that I think I sometimes sound ok, but then listening back to my voice on a recording just makes it sound ridiculous and very deep. If I’m going to be in any of these films, or even just in day to day life I’m going to need to train my voice.

Oh yes, I’m also aware that the last video I uploaded is only available in the states because of the music licensing stuff. I will sort this out one way or another soon, but until then, just treat it like any major film release; in America they usually come out several months before it comes to other parts of the world. I’ve never understood why that happens, can they not take too much money in one week or something? Wallets not big enough?!

Anyway, I’m going to bed.

Night! X

Media Mania

Tuesday, 8 June 2010

00:46

Hey Ho. I’ve been having fun!

Last week I came back from a holiday that I absent-mindedly neglected to mention. It was great. Me and Sarah went to Turkey for a week, and for I’d say about 80% of it I was eating. Food is so cheap there compared to UK prices, so we really couldn’t help ourselves. Not only was it all fantastic and tasty, they pretty much gave you half a cow if you asked for meatballs or something, and then they’d throw on a salad that could be blamed for the worlds deforestation, and then sometimes a free dessert, which you couldn’t exactly turn down could you?! Not if they’d already brought it out to you and started spooning into your mouth?!

I’m kidding of course. There was a lot of food and I think I’ve made that clear now. The result from that, of course, is that I’ve gained a few pounds. Or at least I did. They have since been de-gained from going back to work and running around more than is probably necessary. So yes, I’ll give you a few pictures of the area I went to. It was Calis Beach, near Fethiye, if that means anything to you. Here you go…

The area was beautiful and I could have easily stayed another few days. Sarah, on the other hand, could have stayed another few years. I have to admit I was slightly missing being able to be Ella out there. Sure I had a few girly things for the hotel room, but most of the time we were out and about I had to be a guy. It wasn’t really enough for me, so I’m quite glad to be back and able to spend more than half my time being Ella again.

So that was my holiday. I did enjoy it a lot and I have to say it was nice to relax a bit after this whole work fiasco. I kind of needed a holiday after that.

But now I’m back into the swing of things again, and in fact today I was able to take a few new pictures, and (brace yourselves) make a new video. I decided to make one of those ‘transform’ male to female ones. It’s basically just me putting some make-up on (badly), and then showing a few pictures. It really isn’t anything special, but I don’t really have a lot of possibilities right now. To be honest it’s quite a big step to show you all my ‘male’ self, but I figured I’m about ready, so there you go. In actuality I don’t really look much different from my wigless photos, so it’s not actually that bad.

So here’s my video, this can also serve as my “Song of the Moment” as well. It’s quite apt and I hope all the haters listen out for the lyrics.

I’ll also add the last few photos from January I never got around to uploading as well as the ones that were on the end of that video.

 

Phewy, there we go. That’s pretty much a media overload I think. I don’t really have a lot else more to say. Well ok, I don’t really have anything that I think is worth staying up past 2am to say. I could go on for hours, but I do have work tomorrow and it is once again the start of my 5 day run.

Something I will mention though. It is my birthday this coming Thursday, so that’s something to look forward to half-way through my week. I’ll be 23. Oh and that modelling thing I mentioned last time is looking to still be on, but I won’t be doing anything for a couple of months I’d guess. The people organising it are very busy people, and seem to barely have time to breathe, so they’ll fit me in when they’re good and ready.

I think that’s about all. I’ll be back soonish, hopefully with more of a word-based upload rather than all of this nonsense!

Night! X

And The Results Are In….

Thursday, 25 February 2010

00:43

Well it’s taken me this long to get back and sit in front of the screen and write again. I have a problem with writing something when someone else in the room, the same way I do with taking photos of myself and peeing. That’s two separate activities, for the record. That would be much too much hassle. Maybe that’s why some people take pictures of themselves in nappies… Nah, I’m pretty sure they do it for kicks, I can’t say I relate to that myself, but if you do, take a look at this picture I’ve just done…

Nappy

Goodness sake, now I’ve just wasted time doing that when I could have been writing something of significance. All I wanted to say was that I can’t write when there are people around and pretty much every night my girlfriend tends to stay in the vicinity, she does live here after all. But now she’s asleep on the sofa, and I’m free to do my thing.

So I kind of left you guys hanging after the last one didn’t I? Sorry about that, it was only vaguely intentional! No, in all honestly I didn’t know what was going to happen and I was pretty worried, but I’m sure you’ve now worked out that I should still have a job because if I didn’t I certainly shouldn’t be wasting time making random pictures, and should be doing something useful like filling in a application form or updating my CV. Well you’d be right, even though I probably would still have done it in the other circumstance. I DO still have my job. But it isn’t all bunnies, rainbows and sparkle dust. Oh no. The final result was a “Written Warning”. The investigation process went on several weeks after I uploaded the last blog. Unfortunately this collided with some Holiday I was due to have off. I was told that I would get that time back, but alas, no. My ‘Holiday’ consisted mostly of worrying if it was indeed holiday or just delayed dismissal. I am still fighting this to this day, as I don’t see how I should be allowed to have my suspension cut off for a holiday. I know it make financial sense for the company, but it’s a bit of a kick in the (eventually metaphorical) balls. Especially as they called me in before my holiday because they thought they could come to a decision then, but then extended the investigation to find more evidence, which they didn’t even get, so it was a waste of time all round. Worst of all; my time.

Ok, let me just say, if this kind of thing bores you, I’d skip a couple of paragraphs because I’m going to be complaining a lot about how unfair everything has been.

The second thing, and worst thing, is that the job as a “Coordinator” that I had before Christmas is now not mine. I have been demoted back down to pleb. (Unofficial job title). Worse than that even, is that I’ve been told that I won’t get paid for the job that I did before Christmas because I never got “signed off”. And yet, the final verdict was made based on the fact that I was a Coordinator. Effectively then, I’ve had full responsibility for this incident and yet none of the pay. Something in that just doesn’t seem right. Again, I am still fighting this. I don’t know every aspect of the law, but I know the meaning of ‘fair’. Sure sure, life is unfair. I know. But it doesn’t mean you have to sit and take it, I plan on seeing this through. I’ve taken a bit of a backseat with it the last few weeks, just to settle back into my old job, but now I think I should really sort it out.

Now I know I haven’t mentioned any of the specifics of this incident, because to be honest with you it’s fairly in depth and a complete bore. Would not exactly be a mouse-scrollingly good read. But let me just tell you what the outcome is from my point of view. I now know that what I did was a naïve mistake, nothing more. There was no maliciousness in my actions. I did a favour for someone I thought I could trust and I end up losing my holiday, my promotion, my pay for the job I’d done, and probably a lack of faith from my superiors. Meanwhile the main person that did have malicious intentions sits back in her original position without losing pay or holiday and got away with a cheap turkey for Christmas Day. And yes that is all it was about. Turkeys that would have been thrown out anyway. Ri-freakin-diculous.

Pheeew. Right, got that off my chest. So for fairly obvious reasons I am looking for another employer. I will try and fight for what remains of my corner at my current workplace, but once I’m square I would really like to move on. Don’t know what doing, not all that bothered. Just something that pays fairly well for the moment. Maybe then I can get myself together and go learn something useful at night school and then look into starting a career I actually enjoy. I would be very interested in working in something like Photography or Advertising/Marketing. Something like that. I do enjoy writing but I don’t think my skills can really progress beyond blog writing, and let’s be honest; they do leave a lot to be desired anyway! I also wouldn’t completely write off modelling either, but I think I’d be hard-pressed to find an agency interested. Only in good taste though, not going down the ‘adult’ route in other words.

Been there, done that, removed my T-shirt.

Kidding, just thought it was funny. Ah I’m sad. Sitting here, on my own, making myself laugh by typing things into Word. Bum fluff. *Chuckle*. Poopy Head *Sniggers*. Titwank *Shakes Head with Serious Face*. That’s just going too far. No, naughty fingers, you don’t write words like that now do you. Naughty corner for you all. Go on. Going have to get by typing with my nose and fists now.

Anywho, I think you’re pretty much up to date on all the important things. And all the not so important things. I will once again try to be a little quicker providing you all with a slightly dramatised snapshot of my life once more. Enjoy my Song of the Moment. Until next time!

Night! X

Friends Will Be Friends

Monday, 9 November 2009

01:40

No matter how many times I say things like “I’ll be sure to write on here again sooner” it never seems to stick like it used to. Sure, before, I was single, I spent most of my nights alone, this was a fun distraction and it served as a great way of expressing myself. Now though, I express myself in the physical world daily. I don’t want to sound like I’m complaining, I really am not, but it has stopped the need of this so much. I still enjoy it, but it doesn’t fulfil me as much as before. Also, seen as I’m now updating less, I feel like all my blog posts now need a point, they can’t just be inane observations. It would seem like that’s all that happened in the two months it’s been since I last updated.

Well, seen as were talking about it now, I will tell you what’s been happening. I have opened up to another couple of friends. One of which already knew, (through a friend I once told mistakenly on a drunken night) but he was absolutely fine with it, and the other friend was even better than absolutely fine about it. She has since seen my pictures, read this blog, and seen me dressed in person, and then done my hair… and makeup. So yeh, she’s not exactly going to be turning up at my door with a flaming torch and a face twisted into a transphobia induced rage. It does make me question why I never told them before, but then again we did it the right way like this, instead of just blurting out to a fairly untrustworthy friend in McDonalds whilst under the influence of a few too many vodka based drinks! Doing it that way clearly gives the impression that I’m happy for them to go telling anyone they like! *sarcasm*

I have to admit though, I have been overwhelmed by the level of acceptance amongst my group of friends. There are only now two or three in our main group that don’t know, and hopefully they will be as understanding as the rest have been. I do feel sorry for those of you out there that don’t have the most open-minded friends, but if you haven’t tried to tell them yet, you might be surprised. Even if they sometimes make jokes about that kind of thing, it doesn’t mean they wouldn’t understand it if you opened up to them; if they’re true friends they will do their best to learn to understand, in fact they may be secretly a little pleased that you feel you are close enough to them to tell them that. I know I would be if a close friend ever opened their heart to me.

So, I’ve just had a week off from work, which has been great. Haven’t done much, in fact these few paragraphs are pretty much the extent of anything of any merit that I have produced, but hey, holidays are meant to be about chilling out and relaxing. Chillaxing if you will. I, will not, I actually hate myself for writing that. I may just go over to the wall and tenderise my forehead on it for a while.

Anyway, I do have a good reason to…relax recently, because I have recently been given a promotion. Yeh ok, I still work in a store, but now I’m going to classed as a “Section Coordinator”. That is if this Christmas period goes well. I know I’m good enough for the job, hell, I could probably get myself a job ten times better if I actually set my mind to it, but for now it’s pretty decent. Basically, all I have to do different is tell people what to do instead of doing it myself. Yep, I’m just given a throne and my minions will fetch me grapes and wine and kiss my feet and give me head massages and I will chuckle loudly to myself and it will be magnificent. Well…I have been off work for a week, so my memories of it may be a little warped, but it’s something like that.

Ok I’ll leave it there. I think I will start a new thing where in every post I’ll link to the infinite time killer that is YouTube with a song that I’ve been playing a lot recently or just something I want to people to listen to. Be it legal or ill, it doesn’t really matter, I’m only pointing at it.

This time, it’s “Road Rage” by Catatonia. It’s very 90’s, well it’s from the 90’s at least, can’t get much more 90’s than that. I just reminds me of school and that, I like it.

Oh and of course the pictures. Here’s one of me with me real hair curled, done by the girl I’ve only told recently. Yes, that’s right it’s another for my relatively small “Sans Wig” collection!

Night! X