New Video and Thoughts of it’s Future Affects

Monday, 27 October 2008

00:52

Ok first off, let’s get the shameless self-promotion out the way. There’s a new video, as well as a couple of new photos. If that’s all you want then you can just scurry off and view them while I talk to the grown-ups!

I realise that what my videos and photos portray on the internet is not really the person I am, and I have many times thought about how these things may affect my future ‘normal’ life as a woman. When (if) I have a respectable job somewhere, I wouldn’t be too surprised if someone managed to do a bit of googling around and track down this page along with my others. And then there would be uproar. Or so you may think. I honestly feel that when I’m older I won’t hide the fact that I’m transsexual. That’s not to say I’ll prance around the High Street with a gold plated “Tranny” necklace dangling against my chest, no, I think that if somebody is close enough to me, I will have no problem telling them, and if they have a problem with me afterward, no big loss. It’s much much easier to tell someone the truth early on in the relationship rather than several years in. I understand that completely, as the only people I’ve actually told are friends I’ve made within the last year or so. I still haven’t found a way to tell my best friend from Junior School. We’ve probably known each other 15 years or so, and after that amount of time, it’s hard to make it seem like I’ve not just been hiding this from her, especially as I’ve known the truth most of that time as well.

So yes, I will be relatively open about it when I’m older. After all I shouldn’t be ashamed. That actually reminds me of an incident recently at work. A large, masculine man that works in the warehouse end of my place of work has been onto me about my sexuality since I paused at his question “Are you gay?” a few weeks back. He kept asking me why I looked embarrassed about it and I eventually replied “Maybe I’m embarrassed that I’m straight,”. He then asked, “Why would you be embarrassed you were straight?” to which I replied, “Why would I be embarrassed if I were gay?!” He didn’t have anything to come back to that, and since then he’s not bothered me. I’m not actually ‘gay’, I should point out, but I still think that there’s no reason to be ashamed whether you be gay, straight, bi, or anything else I may have missed out.

I think even if this website does come back to haunt me in my future, I’ll be ok with it. Everybody matures, opinions change, deep set feelings don’t tend to. Everything I’ve said on this blog, I’ve meant. Or at least I meant it at the time. Sometimes extreme emotions have made me write things I wouldn’t normally, but most of the time I really do mean every word I write. I may well see some things differently when I’m older, but I don’t want to forget about how I feel now.

One quick thing before I go, this upcoming Halloween there was going to be a Rocky Horror themed party. Since wondering what to wear, the organiser has decided to change it to cartoon characters, with one of my friends telling me that they were thinking of going as Alice in Wonderland. Seen as this was the friend I’d already told about me, I told her that I had an Alice dress and she then suggested very enthusiastically that I should go as Alice instead. Unfortunately, I’ve tried and tried to get that night off work, but to no avail. I’ll have to go straight out from work without a costume and just enjoy the night out as is. As brilliant as that would have been, I don’t mind too much, there’s plenty more opportunities to dress up in the future, I’m sure of it…

Night! X

Two Steps Forward, and No Steps Back

Monday, 06 October 2008

23:16

Me and my parents had a talk again today, for the first time in months, maybe six months or more. It went…better. Barely. Ok, basically this is the closest they’ve been so far to accepting me and my decision. They are now acknowledging how difficult it is for me, even if they themselves cannot understand the feelings. Which is definitely a step in the right direction.

In fact Mum just said to me that her main priorities for me, in order, are

1. My Happiness
2. Being Normal
3. Being Successful

Therefore what my Mum is saying in a roundabout way is that she wants me to be happy before anything else. Which can only be a good thing for me.

My Dad has also been more supportive; he said he could understand that I would be unhappy if I stayed how I am, but then again he couldn’t see me being happy if I did go through SRS.

One thing I’ve noticed from both of them is that they think after SRS, I’m not going to ‘pass’. They think it’s going to be obvious that I’m a ‘guy in drag’. Now I would obviously prefer to pass following SRS, but even if I didn’t, I would still go through with it. At the end of the day, your life is yours to live, if others have problems, so be it, at least you are happy with yourself. I think the gender spectrum is often blurred for those people at either end; they might think transvestite=transsexual=drag queen=shemale. But most of you reading will know that that is not the case, it tends to be only those that are in the middle regions of the spectrum that understand it fully.

At some point soon in the future I will tell them exactly what it means to be transsexual, and I’ll let them know that I can still be a very successful woman afterward. Sites like this and this will definitely help me explain my point.

The latter website is aimed at parents of teenagers or younger, but I still think it would be a useful thing for them to see. They always tell me that I’m not feminine at all, and then compare me to Julian Clary. You can’t compare me to an overly camp homosexual! If I was like that everyday I’d be considered gay and that’s really not what I’m going for here! That website does illustrate some traits of transgenderism that are less known, but still as important. I have at least half of those traits and my parents will not be able to deny that.

But anyway, today was a good day. A step forward whichever way you look at it, and I can’t be unhappy about that.

Night! X