New Video and Thoughts of it’s Future Affects

Monday, 27 October 2008


Ok first off, let’s get the shameless self-promotion out the way. There’s a new video, as well as a couple of new photos. If that’s all you want then you can just scurry off and view them while I talk to the grown-ups!

I realise that what my videos and photos portray on the internet is not really the person I am, and I have many times thought about how these things may affect my future ‘normal’ life as a woman. When (if) I have a respectable job somewhere, I wouldn’t be too surprised if someone managed to do a bit of googling around and track down this page along with my others. And then there would be uproar. Or so you may think. I honestly feel that when I’m older I won’t hide the fact that I’m transsexual. That’s not to say I’ll prance around the High Street with a gold plated “Tranny” necklace dangling against my chest, no, I think that if somebody is close enough to me, I will have no problem telling them, and if they have a problem with me afterward, no big loss. It’s much much easier to tell someone the truth early on in the relationship rather than several years in. I understand that completely, as the only people I’ve actually told are friends I’ve made within the last year or so. I still haven’t found a way to tell my best friend from Junior School. We’ve probably known each other 15 years or so, and after that amount of time, it’s hard to make it seem like I’ve not just been hiding this from her, especially as I’ve known the truth most of that time as well.

So yes, I will be relatively open about it when I’m older. After all I shouldn’t be ashamed. That actually reminds me of an incident recently at work. A large, masculine man that works in the warehouse end of my place of work has been onto me about my sexuality since I paused at his question “Are you gay?” a few weeks back. He kept asking me why I looked embarrassed about it and I eventually replied “Maybe I’m embarrassed that I’m straight,”. He then asked, “Why would you be embarrassed you were straight?” to which I replied, “Why would I be embarrassed if I were gay?!” He didn’t have anything to come back to that, and since then he’s not bothered me. I’m not actually ‘gay’, I should point out, but I still think that there’s no reason to be ashamed whether you be gay, straight, bi, or anything else I may have missed out.

I think even if this website does come back to haunt me in my future, I’ll be ok with it. Everybody matures, opinions change, deep set feelings don’t tend to. Everything I’ve said on this blog, I’ve meant. Or at least I meant it at the time. Sometimes extreme emotions have made me write things I wouldn’t normally, but most of the time I really do mean every word I write. I may well see some things differently when I’m older, but I don’t want to forget about how I feel now.

One quick thing before I go, this upcoming Halloween there was going to be a Rocky Horror themed party. Since wondering what to wear, the organiser has decided to change it to cartoon characters, with one of my friends telling me that they were thinking of going as Alice in Wonderland. Seen as this was the friend I’d already told about me, I told her that I had an Alice dress and she then suggested very enthusiastically that I should go as Alice instead. Unfortunately, I’ve tried and tried to get that night off work, but to no avail. I’ll have to go straight out from work without a costume and just enjoy the night out as is. As brilliant as that would have been, I don’t mind too much, there’s plenty more opportunities to dress up in the future, I’m sure of it…

Night! X


16 Responses to “New Video and Thoughts of it’s Future Affects”

  1. Lisa Says:

    Hot Hot Hot

  2. Calista Says:

    I appreciate your attitude. Some transgenders lie about their past, not very smart. There is nothing to be embarrassed about. If anyone asks you about your sexual preference, just reply them why they want to know it. It’s your right to keep it private, just like your financials, address and medical records.

  3. whenhopeislostnothingremains Says:

    Hey Ella,

    I must admire you in your deep thoughts about yourself. And yes, I do belief that it is best to tell your friends earlier in the relationship. However, I myself had found it impossible to tell my then girlfriend (now ex) that I was a crossdresser.
    And as a result of my secrecy we’ve split.
    So yes, it is a smart thing to tell earlier on. It’s only a matter of finding the courage…

    Best regards,

  4. RheaPDX Says:

    My Dear Ella,

    Hon….for one the new pics and video are fantastic…but that goes without saying….the true person is showing through and You look fantastic!!

    Sweets about the evolution, that is something we all go through. Even though there is some material that I have posted over at Flickr of the jurassic era Randi, there are some tapes still floating around from the cable program my buddy in Seattle and I were involved in. While I am not crazy about what the overall visage that those with cable and apparently most of the tri-county area saw, that was and is part of the process. If there are any regrets in this, it has to do withg the voice [which was still and is a work in process even though I am close to having something that works more 24/7 than before] and my choice of outfits, which were amazingly dowdy for airtime. At that time, the conventional wisdom was to play it safe, especially since there were some government officials who were on air with us. Ah but now…well while things are still being fine tuned, there is more of a feeling of being at ease with how things are going. Part of that was shedding the glasses for contacts, which be they the hazel or the jade have made an incredible world of difference.

    Honey, about when someone asks about if someone is gay or straight in this, I reply ‘merely human’ and let the person involved draw their own conclusions. While I have never minded being the ‘Shell Answer Man’ for a lot of things early on, it does get a little bit on the tedious side when one has to clear up the missconceptions about what types of lives we lead. No I do not wear anything that publically announces my status, nor should I have to. Due to all of the hospital stays etc [which Thank God are done with …more under seperate cover], the status that is most pronounced is the one with the cane. But that is also a minor issue if only due to the fact that those who know me [including the folks at the pharmacist who know me as the air-guitar bass playing redheaed who gets her meds every 4 weeks from them *S*] already understand. As for close friends that I have in this region, once they are told about what is going on they are either cool with it or it is not a big deal as long as it is not the main focus of any conversation.

    Sweets, there will be more opportunities to get outside and spread the wings, so to speak. No matter what happens remember that You are You…Those who know and love You will be able to handle it….those who cause trouble…well they are not worth the time. [And if they cause any further problems, tell them there is someone across the pond who would be more than happy to ‘discuss this difference of opinion’ with them and make sure they understand!!]

    Til later on and Love Always!!!!!


    PS: New Pics are up…..check them out!!!


  5. GA Says:

    Hi Bella,
    I don’t particularly like to tell you this, but you haven’t talk in a while about your several times postponed, doctor’s appointment…And I bet you haven’t made it
    When you write in your diary, you sound very convinced about your SRS, but then again; plans made during the night, are not that convincing the next morning.

    Like the great Mel Brook once said: “Denial; is not just a river in Egypt” (unfortunately, this joke is only perfect in its spoken version) In order to demand the acceptance of your parents you have to be sure yourself, and by sure I don’t mean been certain that you want to spend the rest of your life as a transgender woman
    (you haven’t tried, how can you be certain?) but sure that this is the only possible future for you, even if you regret it latter on… and believe me, you will regret it several times in your life time.

    But no matter what decision you take, you’ll have regrets that it’s the nature of your condition, those are the cards you were dealt with. You don’t get to choose your cards, only the way to play them (I know, it’s not only a cliché, but a corny one…still it’s a great true)

  6. Kc Says:

    Hello Ella,

    OK here’s the plan to get off work…

    “Hey, Ella are you OK you look terrible?” “Are you felling well?”
    “Cough Cough” “No, my throat is all sore my brother, father, sister, and dog has the flu.” “But, cough cough I made it in tonight.”

    “Hey don’t worry about it the guys in the warehouse can pick up the slack, you should go home.” “Are you sure?”

    “Yea don’t worry the shipping guys got it covered.”
    “Gee, thanks, OK see you tomorrow.”

    This works every time, have a great time at the party!


  7. Falcon Says:

    Hello Ella.

    I have a blog and I also think about what people thing about me, but I have nothing like you I mean you expose a deep and very intimate part of you. Your very brave and admirable person.

    I hope you spend a great time in the party.

  8. DZ Says:

    Hey…I commented on one of your youtube videos (crimsonnobara) so…yeah, lol. HI!

    Kc beat me to it. I was going to say you should start a few days before Halloween and be all, “hmm…I feel funny. My stomach kind of hurts.” And then on Halloween call in sick!!!

    I was also going to suggest wearing your costume to work (like some places make mandatory) but I take it you don’t work in a place that will allow costumes.

    But yeah, about your entry if someone makes a big deal about it then they’re not worth having as a friend, and it looks like you already know that. So just stick with the people who care about you and just be true to yourself. ❤

  9. John Says:

    Hey Ella. Hope your Halloween turned out well. Any excuse for that Alice dress is a good one to me. I hope you were able to work it out. I sounds like you’ve got a lot of things to think about. SRS sounds pretty scary, but at the same time I know it must be hard living every day feeling like you are in disguise. Hope it all works out for you.
    I also noticed there are always musical instruments in your videos. Music is really important to me and I wonder what you’re into. Anyway, I hope you have a great Halloween and keep being you.

  10. RheaPDX Says:

    My Dear Ella,

    Hey there Hon here is Hoping Your Day is going Great…as well as the weekend. Well I will not detail here what went weird around here, that I will save for another time for a report from the land of the Jerry Srpinger Bus Run..

    Sweets, now as mentioned here there is another video up from Yours Truly. This one is a tad different with a slightly different message….for which I will drop a couple hints here:

    – If you saw the music blog, you may have noticed that this one has been referenced before. It is one of two songs that Renaissance had left off of their last album for IRS called ‘Time-Line’, but got the biggest ovatin from the crowd when played in concert during that tour. Oddly enough, it does show up on album of their outtakes…’Songs From Renaissance Days’ …..although

    – In the spring of 1982, there was a mention of it being released as a single here in the states. Sadly that proved to be false because the record company, in their infinite lack of wisdom refused to do so. This in spite of the fact that their rabid fans [myself included] thought this was the best part of the ‘Time-Line’ concerts.

    – This one was also recorded by another prog-rock group and only after there was some pressure from their fans, was it released as a single. Even though it was a fan favorite for them, they have not played it in concert for over 20 years [I could say who they are here, because gee whiz, that would really spoil the suprise here….I can tell you that their music is on one of the videos up at YouTube]

    Some of the pics used are up on Flickr, some were from the sais same sessions but I did not want to clog up their server….

    Honey, I had better run…more later on!!!!

    Til later on and Love Always!!


    PS: If you want a really good laugh…and I do not know if you saw this…it is something that happened the other day over at Target:

    Which made the day here for a while!!!


  11. kqk Says:

    Is this profile actually yours? Or is it fake?

  12. Nicky Says:

    Hi Ella,
    I’m confused about gender, can you help? There was a documentary about an XY chromosome girl on TV a few years back. She looked like a regular girl but had to have constant medication for her condition. Do you understand the difference between XX/XY sex chromosomes and sex hormones? then I’m told the male sperm determines the gender of the baby…but all foetuses are female until a certain point in gestation, that’s why men have nipples I understand. Then I hear tell of ‘male and female brains’ and you have transvestites graduating to trans-sexuals?
    like I say, can you help?

  13. RheaPDX Says:

    My Dear Ella,

    Hey there Hon hope all is going well on Your end!!

    Hon, here are a few links that may help clarify some of the hormone issues. The first being to the work of Harry Benjamin, whose research led to the first incarnation as it were, of modern medical and psychological treatment for the community:

    The second one is about what is called a ‘hormone wash'[as well as what happens to XY and XX chromosones] at birth, which is when massive amounts of estrogen flow during the birthing process. There is a sizeable body of work to the effect that this also is a root in transsexuality:

    The last one os for a drug called DES or Diethylstilbestrol [which has been mentioned as a cause for M to F’s], which is an artificial hormone that was given at childbirth. It is no longer used here in the US, but in other countries it is still prevelant:

    Hope these help!!!!!

    Til later on and Love Always!!!!


  14. macclode Says:

    Szia Ella!!Röviden és tömören azthiszem beléd szerettem…..

  15. JAMES Says:

    hello dear, how are you? i love all your pics, yes i think same i love crossdress, we want more pics please!!! you are so beauty and sexy!!!
    you look amazing in all your photos, i love your work, really i thik you should upload more pics…
    bye good luck

  16. Archy Says:

    Hello! I hope here can be Ella’s friends, who know her in her real life. Would you please, send these drawings to her, thanks beforehand!

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