Slow Or Go?

Monday, 17 November 2008

00:46

Nothing’s ever simple is it? Not just for me, for everyone. There’s always plenty going on to make life just that little bit more complicated. Some might say that that’s what makes life more interesting, and while I agree sometimes, other times too much can happen to one person.

I’m not going to pretend I am the worst off person in the world. I know there are people that would kill to be in my shoes, and I do honestly try to enjoy everything I’m given in life, but that doesn’t stop me complaining about things, ok?!

My Dad has been through some rough times recently. He’s busy at work, there’s the whole so-called ‘credit crunch’, he’s worried about whether it was a good idea to buy a second home to rent out at this time, and on top of that he’s got a son that wants to be his daughter. That kind of thing is going to have an affect on you, no matter who you are. My Dad has, for several months now, had a very painful, unforgiving headache. Of course we’ve been concerned about the whole fact that it may be very serious, but since recently going to a specialist we can thankfully rule out those situations. So, he’s stressed, and as long as I’ve known my Dad, I’ve not known him to get this bad.

I am of course feeling that in some way this may be my fault. I don’t think I’m all to blame, there’s a lot of other stuff going on for him that probably does have an affect on him, but I still feel a little responsible. I haven’t told him this yet, but I will not be able to stand improving my life whilst causing pain for another human being, especially my own father. That just shouts ‘wrong’ to me. How could I live my life knowing that someone’s hurting because of it? I can’t tell him that I’m never going to change, but I can delay it all a bit, just so my parents and friends can come to terms with it more. I know I should start whilst I’m still young, but I think it’s a sacrifice I’m willing to take if I can guarantee my family’s health.

So that’s a reason I may have to delay any kind of action I take regarding my transition.

But, wait, here’s a reason for me to get going with my transition…

Last night I drank. I drank a lot. What good can come of that, really?! Sure it’s all fun and games on the night, but little does my drunk self know of the consequences.

Sarah, one of my best friends that know about me, was out last night. There were a few others out, but as is usually the case, it ended up being just me and Sarah left as most other people had jobs to get up for the following day. I have a week’s holiday, so I didn’t care, and Sarah just walked out of her job the other day, so she didn’t care. Basically she drank, I drank, she drank some more, I drank and then drank again, etc. Sarah has, in the past, confessed that she fancies me, and upon me telling her the truth, she was just as interested, if not more so. It turns out she’s bisexual. So, when I’m with her, just the two of us, I can feel very comfortable, I know she see’s I’m a girl inside and that’s honestly how I feel when I’m with her. Basically I can be myself more around her.

If you honestly don’t see where this is going, I commend you on your innocence, but really, who are you fooling?!

Oh no, we didn’t get *that* far, you dirty minded….

Anyway. One thing led to another, bla, bla, bla, and suddenly she’s kissing me, tongues and all. And it happened a couple of times, because, apparently, all sense of the world around me had long ago made its way home. Sure it was fun, but now, there are consequences.

Do I find her attractive? I have to be honest with you, if she didn’t think that it’s hot I want to be a girl, I don’t think I would have even questioned whether I’m attracted to her or not, she’s that much of a friend. I don’t know really. But she treats me like a girl, and she’s even said that she wants to see me all dressed up and everything. On Tuesday, that’s right, technically tomorrow. I’m all for it, I want to show her who I am, but you’ve got to put yourself in my shoes here, this is so confusing. I could gather my stuff, go over there, show her the real me, take some more photos, maybe a video, and have a generally fantastic time, but where’s that going to leave things then. What consequences will come from that?

I guess I’m scared, I’m scared about life, I’m scared about change, which given my circumstance must seem a little odd. I think I should just go and do it. I won’t let things go too far between us if I don’t want it to. She has said to me that it’s in my hands now, if I want a relationship, it’s there for the taking. I guess I could just see what happens on Tuesday and not treat everything I do as a potentially life changing event.

I’m sure it will be great fun, I know there’s going to be transgendered people reading this thinking, ‘why am I even thinking twice about this’, and I guess I’m trying to tell myself that as well.

I will do it, and I should be back on here soon for an update. Wish me luck!

27th August (3)

27th August (4)

Night! X

14 Responses to “Slow Or Go?”

  1. RheaPDX Says:

    My Dear Ella,

    Hey Hon….completely understood on the situation. If this helps any this is a win-win in that You have a good friend there who at the very least lets You be You. That in itself is a major leap ahead of others. IF things work great…if not You have the friendship there too!

    Hon, keep in mind also that at this stage it may seem a lot [all other things going on with this]…but taking this at Your own pace will help make the way ahead alot clearer. Remember that all of this is a marathon, not a sprint [sorry, sports metaphor there] and that there are no real wrong decisions in this. And if some things do not work as planed there is still time as well as friends to help along the way.

    Til later on and Love Always!!!

    Randi

    PS: Love the new pics!!!!!!

    RLD

  2. hinkycorners Says:

    There might be a lot of theoretical bits of life that we can learn from reading, from TV and movies, et cetera. But when push comes to shove and reality is that life you’re actually living, there’s a lot to be learned from this little thing called experience.

    What am I trying to say? Stop worrying about what might or might not be, what might or might not be “right”, and how things will work in the long run. Because what you need to judge those things by, to really determine what is the “right” thing to do, is experience. And you only get experience one way, by living, by doing.

    So stop worrying and just enjoy the moment. Live. And learn. It doesn’t have to be perfect to be right. Sometimes right now is right enough.

    That’s my advice anyway. You’re young. Enjoy it and all of its faux pas while you can! 🙂

  3. Jen D Says:

    This totally happened to me once. It was fun, really fun but I realised that the girl that thought it was cool what I was doing was just kind of using that as a hurdle to ‘him’. Tread carefully! You never know…. No matter what someone says in this situation treat it all with sensitivity.

    x

  4. D Says:

    (I’ve changed my email address, but I’ve posted a few times before)

    When my dad found out about me for the first time, he went through about a year of near-nervous breakdown. His hands shook and he took anger management therapy and all sorts of other “fun” stuff. And he’s a surgeon, so if his hands are shaking it directly affects income…

    He’s since calmed down a lot, though it took my telling him that “it’s gone” repeatedly for it to go away entirely. But then, we’re an extremely religious family, so it probably affected him a great deal more than your father.

    If something does start up, strongly, between you and Sarah, ask her if she’ll wait for you, stick around for however long it takes until your family is more used to the idea. If not, you have a decision to make. If yes, then I’d advise you to wait… give your father time.

  5. Samantha Says:

    I truly hope that Tuesday is everything you hope for Ella. I can only try to imagine how fabulous it must feel to have a gg who knows about you and who seems genuinely interested in who you really are. I have my fingers crossed hun. x

  6. kqk Says:

    Don’t be honest, this is a blog, not a diary.

    If she reads this and she will, she’ll find that you’re really not that into her, and it’s never going to happen.

  7. Falcon Says:

    Hi Ella, i think you have to continue with your change, because if you delay it, always is being something else, in this moment is your father but tomorrow could be your mother, your school, your partner, anything. My point is that if you delay your change may be it never happen.

    Well i really hope you’ll have a great time with Sarah.

    Good luk =)

  8. RheaPDX Says:

    Hey Ella,

    Here is hoping all is well and that the evening went ok as well……Keep in mind that even if certain things do not work as planned, You do have a lot of friends out there who care no matter what.

    Til later on and Love Always!!!

    Randi

  9. vvm71 Says:

    Hi Ella, enjoy your good moments, because la vida es así.

  10. private Says:

    Have you ever thought about going to a photographer and having some photos done professionally?

  11. Ben Flavin Says:

    I happened on your website by happy accident. I’ve only quickly perused your site so I’m not that familiar with what you have been writing. I only wanted to compliment you on how adorable you look in your photos. Your “Alice” dress looks so cute on you and the white stockings are very alluring. I can’t help but imagine what delicate panties you have on beneath your dress.

    My favorite though is your new “secretary” look. The crisp white blouse, snug fitting mini skirt and silky tights are enough to make one touch himself in a most inappropriate manner. Is it wrong of me to fantasize about you? I can’t get the image of lifting your black skirt to find you’ve forgotten to wear panties and your stiff penis is straining and stretching against your pantyhose.

  12. Anonymous Says:

    I agree with Ben. You look absolutely adorable. Feel free to email me whenever you want to talk

  13. Anonymous Says:

    Slow or go? For you go should not be an option. Further you do not have to wear fantasy clothing to be beautiful. I waish the photo set was in a spring dress or even jeans. Just look how you feel. It all fallls into place, eventuallly. -H

  14. wendygrrl Says:

    Thank you for sharing… Wendy

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