Monday, 17 November 2008
Nothing’s ever simple is it? Not just for me, for everyone. There’s always plenty going on to make life just that little bit more complicated. Some might say that that’s what makes life more interesting, and while I agree sometimes, other times too much can happen to one person.
I’m not going to pretend I am the worst off person in the world. I know there are people that would kill to be in my shoes, and I do honestly try to enjoy everything I’m given in life, but that doesn’t stop me complaining about things, ok?!
My Dad has been through some rough times recently. He’s busy at work, there’s the whole so-called ‘credit crunch’, he’s worried about whether it was a good idea to buy a second home to rent out at this time, and on top of that he’s got a son that wants to be his daughter. That kind of thing is going to have an affect on you, no matter who you are. My Dad has, for several months now, had a very painful, unforgiving headache. Of course we’ve been concerned about the whole fact that it may be very serious, but since recently going to a specialist we can thankfully rule out those situations. So, he’s stressed, and as long as I’ve known my Dad, I’ve not known him to get this bad.
I am of course feeling that in some way this may be my fault. I don’t think I’m all to blame, there’s a lot of other stuff going on for him that probably does have an affect on him, but I still feel a little responsible. I haven’t told him this yet, but I will not be able to stand improving my life whilst causing pain for another human being, especially my own father. That just shouts ‘wrong’ to me. How could I live my life knowing that someone’s hurting because of it? I can’t tell him that I’m never going to change, but I can delay it all a bit, just so my parents and friends can come to terms with it more. I know I should start whilst I’m still young, but I think it’s a sacrifice I’m willing to take if I can guarantee my family’s health.
So that’s a reason I may have to delay any kind of action I take regarding my transition.
But, wait, here’s a reason for me to get going with my transition…
Last night I drank. I drank a lot. What good can come of that, really?! Sure it’s all fun and games on the night, but little does my drunk self know of the consequences.
Sarah, one of my best friends that know about me, was out last night. There were a few others out, but as is usually the case, it ended up being just me and Sarah left as most other people had jobs to get up for the following day. I have a week’s holiday, so I didn’t care, and Sarah just walked out of her job the other day, so she didn’t care. Basically she drank, I drank, she drank some more, I drank and then drank again, etc. Sarah has, in the past, confessed that she fancies me, and upon me telling her the truth, she was just as interested, if not more so. It turns out she’s bisexual. So, when I’m with her, just the two of us, I can feel very comfortable, I know she see’s I’m a girl inside and that’s honestly how I feel when I’m with her. Basically I can be myself more around her.
If you honestly don’t see where this is going, I commend you on your innocence, but really, who are you fooling?!
Oh no, we didn’t get *that* far, you dirty minded….
Anyway. One thing led to another, bla, bla, bla, and suddenly she’s kissing me, tongues and all. And it happened a couple of times, because, apparently, all sense of the world around me had long ago made its way home. Sure it was fun, but now, there are consequences.
Do I find her attractive? I have to be honest with you, if she didn’t think that it’s hot I want to be a girl, I don’t think I would have even questioned whether I’m attracted to her or not, she’s that much of a friend. I don’t know really. But she treats me like a girl, and she’s even said that she wants to see me all dressed up and everything. On Tuesday, that’s right, technically tomorrow. I’m all for it, I want to show her who I am, but you’ve got to put yourself in my shoes here, this is so confusing. I could gather my stuff, go over there, show her the real me, take some more photos, maybe a video, and have a generally fantastic time, but where’s that going to leave things then. What consequences will come from that?
I guess I’m scared, I’m scared about life, I’m scared about change, which given my circumstance must seem a little odd. I think I should just go and do it. I won’t let things go too far between us if I don’t want it to. She has said to me that it’s in my hands now, if I want a relationship, it’s there for the taking. I guess I could just see what happens on Tuesday and not treat everything I do as a potentially life changing event.
I’m sure it will be great fun, I know there’s going to be transgendered people reading this thinking, ‘why am I even thinking twice about this’, and I guess I’m trying to tell myself that as well.
I will do it, and I should be back on here soon for an update. Wish me luck!