Two Steps Forward, and No Steps Back

Monday, 06 October 2008


Me and my parents had a talk again today, for the first time in months, maybe six months or more. It went…better. Barely. Ok, basically this is the closest they’ve been so far to accepting me and my decision. They are now acknowledging how difficult it is for me, even if they themselves cannot understand the feelings. Which is definitely a step in the right direction.

In fact Mum just said to me that her main priorities for me, in order, are

  1. My Happiness
  2. Being Normal
  3. Being Successful

Therefore what my Mum is saying in a roundabout way is that she wants me to be happy before anything else. Which can only be a good thing for me.

My Dad has also been more supportive; he said he could understand that I would be unhappy if I stayed how I am, but then again he couldn’t see me being happy if I did go through SRS.

One thing I’ve noticed from both of them is that they think after SRS, I’m not going to ‘pass’. They think it’s going to be obvious that I’m a ‘guy in drag’. Now I would obviously prefer to pass following SRS, but even if I didn’t, I would still go through with it. At the end of the day, your life is yours to live, if others have problems, so be it, at least you are happy with yourself. I think the gender spectrum is often blurred for those people at either end; they might think transvestite=transsexual=drag queen=shemale. But most of you reading will know that that is not the case, it tends to be only those that are in the middle regions of the spectrum that understand it fully.

At some point soon in the future I will tell them exactly what it means to be transsexual, and I’ll let them know that I can still be a very successful woman afterward. Sites like this and this will definitely help me explain my point.

The latter website is aimed at parents of teenagers or younger, but I still think it would be a useful thing for them to see. They always tell me that I’m not feminine at all, and then compare me to Julian Clary. You can’t compare me to an overly camp homosexual! If I was like that everyday I’d be considered gay and that’s really not what I’m going for here! That website does illustrate some traits of transgenderism that are less known, but still as important. I have at least half of those traits and my parents will not be able to deny that.

But anyway, today was a good day. A step forward whichever way you look at it, and I can’t be unhappy about that.

Night! X


26 Responses to “Two Steps Forward, and No Steps Back”

  1. Alice Says:

    That is great news.
    I wish i had your confidence to say that i ‘would still go through with it. At the end of the day, your life is yours to live, if others have problems, so be it, at least you are happy with yourself.’
    I know i am gender confused. I just don’t know if i am confused enough to fully go for it.
    And worry not. You pass fine. x

  2. Ravindu Says:

    Good things come to those who wait…. Congratulations buddy!!!

  3. Randi Dennis Says:

    My Dear Ella,

    Congrats!!!!!!This is wonderful news!!!!Eventually those who are closest to us will in time come around to see that there is nothing out of the ordinary about those of us who do transition and go for the SRS etc.[Took a while with some of the family and now my sister is my biggest fan with all that had and has recently happened]

    Honey if this helps any, just mention to your folks that many of us lead the same lives like everyone else. We wake up, go to work, pay taxes, shop for the necessities, go out with others…in short lead the same normal lives that everyone else does. Heck there are even those who are in politics, are commercial pilots, cops….etc.Which in its own way can be …pardon the term, [gasp]….dull and normal. Yep…it happens, who would have thought that!!

    Sweetheart…again Congrats…..This is Amazing!!!!!Fantastic! Wonderful!!Superb!!!!And of course Progress!! Let me also echo Alice here…You pass fine hon!!! Do not worry about that!!!!!!!The way Your pics look, that is the least of the issues there Hon!!!

    Til later on and Love Always!!!!!


  4. Randi Dennis Says:

    Hey Ella!!

    Honey I forgot to mention this in re: passing and this is just alittle way of saying that if You believe You are then You are [Or as the late Tug McGraw would say ‘Ya Gotta Believe!!!].

    Sweets, there is a certain bus run here in town which I have to take to run errands, get to the doctor, etc which has a bad reputation. HOw bad You may ask??????While it is numbered the ’72’, we all know it by another name. The ‘Jerry Springer’. Every other driver I have known on this run has called it that, the agency running the system even has supervisors who call it that because it is one of the few in the county that has more of the strange, the weird, the profane who ride it than anyone else. Many drivers after being on this run, started their tenure with normal hair and no ’50-Mile’ stares. But after 2 weeks…..well that goes out the window and they look like they have been through the ringer. A warzone. Anyone who is not sure of themselves is taking their stable normal state in their own hands. And this sets up what happened on Saturday…

    Honey normally I dress to run errands with a slight business look [like on the Flickr page], like when I was doing tech support outcalls. But Saturday, I turned a page [pun not intended, Sweets] and said to heck with convention and went with the reddish brown hair that I have as my avatar at Flickr, but with a look that was more Computer Geekette meets Valley Girl with jade contact lenses [Fer sure, yeah, like that is what it was]. Now someone who knows this bus run would say ‘Randi You are not long for this world’, but after getting on and paying my fare, it was an uneventful ride. No nothing, no stares. And this ride lasted for 3 plus miles. Once at the store, same thing…and this is with yours truly playing an air guitar Fender bass in the dairy aisle to what was on the CD player [the track being ‘Trip to the Fair’ which is mentioned on the music blog]. Yep, for some reason this was all normal…and the trip back was just as same. No nothing, not that I was expecting it. [So much of a nothing that barring doctor’s trips, this will be the look I am going with]

    Honey the point of the above is that passing is a state of mind….a certain matter of attitude, a certain matter of self-confidence, a certain matter of righteousness [I know I am quoting Rush’s ‘One Little Victory’, but hey considering the news on Your end…It is ONE BIG victory!!!!!!] So never let anyone say You do not pass….You do …Hands Down…and anyone who says different will have to answer to Yours Truly LOL!!![Sorry that is the Brooklyn background coming out here *S*]

    Til later on and Love Always!!!!!


  5. Falcon Says:

    Hello Ella, its good to see that the most important thing for your parents its your happiness. I hope you mom realize that you are normal, because for you its normal to be a woman, and i must tell you that i think you really look like a woman. You look great in this new photo with white shirt.

  6. Snowtiger Says:

    Hello Ella

    I want to tell you right off that you are one of the most passable and attractive dressers I have ever seen. I can’t really guess your age though to me you look 14. I am glad for your sake your parents are beginning to realize how you feel, good for them:) A few tips try to wear stockings and garter more than pantyhose they will make your legs look better and don’t wear heels any less than 3 inches, any lower and your feet will start to look big. Hope to see better pictures of your legs. Reply to my email when you get a moment, once again good luck in what your doing:)

  7. Traci_N Says:

    Your parents are wrong. You could pass right now. I am actually pretty jealous of your complexion. You dont even need makeup (and you have a great figure). SRS would just be the complete package.

  8. hinkycorners Says:

    I’m glad to hear that your mom at least has shifted her priorities for you to the point where your happiness comes first. Maybe next you can get her to lower the priority of being normal. Normal is overrated. Life would be extremely boring if everyone were “normal”. Good luck. 🙂

  9. Nicky Says:

    Hi Ella,
    Glad to see there’s some progress with your parents, have you pulled the youtube channel? I can’t get it tonight.

  10. Randi Dennis Says:

    My Dear Ella,

    Hiya is hoping all is getting better and better!!

    Honey, when You get a chance:

    Til later on and Love always!!!!!!


  11. SomeGhost Says:

    A good place to get sympathy and support might be

    There are lots of kids your age in that forum dealing with their parents and such. MtF and FtM both.

    Good luck 🙂

  12. Rachel Says:

    Haven’t read the rest of your blog, but it warms the heart to see a t-girl getting somewhere with family.

    Keep talking! 🙂

  13. Randi Dennis Says:

    My Dear Ella,

    Hey there Hon here is hoping all is going great!!!

    Honey speaking of which, check your URNA email when you get a chance…tht little item I alluded to in another email is there for You [I will not say here, but it goes along with a comment of Yours in re: the pic at the Piano*S*]

    Til later on and Love Always!!


    PS: Check the Flickr and YT for a couple other goodies over the next few days!!


  14. kwyjibo Says:

    I’ve been following your blog for a while. Great update, it’s been a while since you posted anything positive 🙂

    Oh, and you’d pass. You’d pass now. Like the straight hair too.

  15. Suzanne Says:

    Hi Ella,
    It’s very cruel the tricks nature plays on some people putting them in the wrong gendered body for their true gender. I think people are becoming more aware it’s not the victims’ fault the way nature made them and things may not be as bad as they once were for TG people. ‘I feel your pain but you’re not to blame’ as they say.You REALLY fill that Alice dress girl, could you go online youtube and give us the details?
    SZ xxx

  16. Donna McLain Says:

    you are passable, but I hope it is truely just for you and not for what others think, or esteem you as…I am so tired of caring whatothers think..there is no happiness in that.

  17. Randi Dennis Says:

    My Dear Ella,

    Hey Hon, just wanted to drop a line to say Hi..Hope all is moving forward…On this end, a big medical hurdle has been cleared…actually a few of them. Will detail later what those are, but I can say this [and this is not to use a song by Rush as a bad connector or segue] but is a ‘Far Cry’ from several montha ago. A distinct ‘Far Cry’…which also means on this end, several other items can move forward.

    Honey, also this is to say that there was something new not just at Flickr, but also on the You Tube page. Oddly enough, several other services have a problem with the soundtrack on two of the postongs [gee whiz there is this funny little thing about copyrights…ah but where there is a geekette, there is a way *S*]. As for the Flickr stuff…this may seem like I am a tad more vulnerable than before, but I figure that is part of being human. Come to think of it, that is what my cats remind me on a daily basis *S*

    Ella Hon, have a Great Day and will post more later on!!!

    Til later and Love Always!!


  18. jack Says:

    hi ella

    great to catch up with you again. I have been out the country for 18 months, you still look beautiful. are you still at marks and sparks?

    get in touch if you can


  19. RheaPDX Says:

    Hey Ella,

    Hon, Hope all is well and when you get a chance, check this one out…..

    Yeppers, if you wonder whare Yours Truly my sense of humor and other quirks…this is it. Heck there are even some current jokes in it!!!

    Til later on and Love Always!!


  20. kevin Says:

    hello i just came here to say your the most beatyfull girl ive seen i wanna come in touch with u my mail is

  21. cdjanie Says:

    Hi, Ella.

    Parents can be cruel and compassionate in the same breath; I know mine are. Often, it is best to try to be understanding of their point of view and it’s hard because we are so caught up in others understanding us. While the kids are often focussed on being the best, and willing to take the risks, caring parents are worrying about the worst and trying to avoid risk for their kids.

    From the outside, you appear to be not just a girl, but a very attractive girl. Your movements in your videos are very feminine as well. Not that it matters all that much; there are plenty of unattractive women leading perfectly acceptable lives out there!

    I think you have the makings of a celebrity. You’re beautiful, you’re young, you’re smart, you’re different. Just a thought. But it might affect certain personal decisions…


  22. Ken Says:

    What can anyone say?
    A very mature blog well thought out and it must be an inspiration for many people who feel the same. I do get the idea that you are more mature than your age might suggest and somewhat less embarrased than a lot of people would be in the same situation. Perhaps this says a lot about your upbringing as well as your mindset.
    Personallly I think you are a very attractive ‘girl’ and a very attractive boy. May I wish you all the very best when you aventually become the complete woman in body as well as mind.
    With lots of love and best wishes

  23. Si Says:

    Hey, I’ve only just taken the time to read through your blog, I’m sure I will add more later but for now I’m just wondering how your parents could even suggest you wouldnt “pass”. You look more feminine than most of my female friends, and thats not to say my female friends are all russian shotputters 🙂 I hate using the word attractive, and the word pretty is so indistinct, gorgeous is presumptous, stunning has been overused, but all these apply. I guess maybe the one you most like to hear is convincing, although this sounds cold! Any guy or girl should be glad to have you on their arm for a night out, I wish you all the luck in the world.

  24. Anonymous Says:

    U look great I wish I could be like u I will love to take u ass a date and spend a nice time dam girl your beatyfully…..

  25. Anonymous Says:

    Just wish you would up date us on your life and progress

  26. Mike Says:

    Following you for years

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