Archive for the ‘Schoolgirl’ Category

The Waiting Game

July 4, 2011

Monday, 4 July 2011

01:01

I’ve had my appointment at the doctors, and it went… well I guess. It was in many ways different to the time I did it previously. This time I had a male doctor to talk to and, to put it frankly; he didn’t exactly seem that confident talking about it. He seemed fairly unsure about it all and I’m not sure if that was because he didn’t really understand it or he didn’t agree with it, but that’s just the vibe I got from him.

I didn’t really have a lot to tell him that he didn’t already know either. Everything I’d said in the previous appointment was all there in front of him, so he basically just needed to judge my mental stability.

Thankfully he diagnosed me as a stable individual and he said there’s no reason psychologically why I couldn’t get a referral to the Gender Clinic. He mentioned that if I suffered from some kind of crippling depression or the like, then it would be unwise to refer me as I would be less likely to cope with all the after affects of the surgery, which certainly makes sense to me. There I was thinking that I wouldn’t get the referral because I wasn’t unhappy enough and it actually turns out to be the other way around.

So I got the referral. Or at least he said he’d give me a referral. I was hoping to have received a letter from the doctors by now, so I could have spoken about it on here as well, but so far nothing has turned up. It has been three weeks, and I think he said that I should allow more time than that for the letter to turn up, but I’d just like it now, I just want to know what’s happening. The letter is supposed to contain information on whether I’ve been accepted to be funded by the local council. He did mention that it has recently been a lot more likely that funding will be given, so I’m fairly confident about getting that.

This then led me to ask how many people have come in for the same issue as me, and he said that so far this year he’d had about five. He also mentioned that he thought that was quite a high number, but to be honest it’s not far off what I imagined it would be.

So here I am now, waiting for my letter to arrive. He mentioned that if I didn’t get the funding I could call the person that would deal with it directly and see if it could be sorted out from there, but unfortunately he also said that he’d send the number for that person through the post, and obviously so far I’ve received nothing. I really do just have to sit this one through.

Other than the appointment I have actually done a few other things. I celebrated my 24th birthday on the 10th of June and for it I went to see Jimmy Eat World live in London a week or so after. I have to say, they were damn good; would definitely recommend seeing them live if you like their music. To reflect how damn awesome they are I’ll link to possibly their most famous song, even if this isn’t exactly a true reflection of the style of the rest of their tracks.

I’ve also taken and passed my driving theory test and have booked my practical test for the 2nd of August. I am a bit nervous about it, but at the same time quietly confident. Hopefully passing it will open up my job prospects quite considerably even if I can’t afford a car right now. Just being able to drive would be a useful skill.

So there you go, just a quick update as to where I stand. I’m feeling fairly upbeat about it, and just getting on as normal with the rest of my life as this goes on. I cannot let this rule my life.

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Night! X

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With Friends Like These…

November 22, 2008

Saturday, 22 November 2008

00:26

It’s been a good week. The showing myself to my friend, Sarah, went well, very well in fact. I turned up at her door fairly early in the morning. (You can tell I was eager, ‘early in the morning’ isn’t usually in my vocabulary!). After about 15 minutes of awkwardness to begin with, understandably I think, I plucked up the courage and asked her if she wanted to see what I had. She then got very excited and had a look.

Unfortunately all I actually have is one blouse, one skirt, one pair of tights and an Alice in Wonderland costume. Not exactly an expansive wardrobe. I started off by showing her the costume, as I’d already told her about it and that I’d planned to wear it on Halloween if I could have got the night off. So I went upstairs, changed in her bedroom, put on my wig and went back down. It was a nervous moment, walking back into her living room, but I came in, she complimented me and I went over and hugged her. It was the best I could have hoped for really. She then mentioned makeup and ran up the stairs, I followed her and she then started to prettify me! She really did seem to be enjoying things by this point. After she’d done and I’d applied my own mascara, I looked back in the mirror and felt relieved that I looked ok. The last thing I wanted was to look bad for my first showing! I showed Sarah and she seemed so happy. She could not compliment me enough, telling me I look prettier than all of our female friends. I did not expect this much and did begin to go quite shy. If there’s one thing I can’t do well, it’s taking compliments.

After a while I got my camera out, after all I didn’t want to miss an opportunity like this. So I handed it to Sarah and we got shooting. Sarah was having a great time being let loose with my camera, while I was still finding it difficult to feel comfortable. I realised having your picture taken is a lot more embarrassing than taking them yourself!

She then let me try on some of her clothes in her wardrobe. She didn’t have loads, but there were some very pretty dresses in there. First of all I tried on some of the clothes she’d grown out of, and they were all pretty nice. A pink blouse with a pair of tight jeans seemed to work especially well. Shame they were still a little big for me though. The jeans were a couple of inches too long and the waist could have been a little smaller, but still I couldn’t exactly complain.

After getting through half of her wardrobe and taking pictures of each outfit I tried on, she then told me that I could actually keep some of the things she’d grown out of. I was unsure at first, more of places to hide them than actually whether I wanted them or not; of course I wanted them. She wouldn’t let me leave without them, she said, so I agreed and took a couple of outfits back home with me.

So yes, it was a good day, she didn’t care at all and said she’d love to do this again and go shopping with me once she’s got another job. Fantastic!

As well as that, through sheer luck I had a day to myself on Thursday. My parents were heading out for the day Christmas shopping in a nearby city. I took this as a great opportunity to put on my new outfits and get camera happy again.

As you can imagine I now have quite a few photos to upload, I haven’t even finished uploading the photos from August yet. I’ll do four tonight, instead of the usual two. That should get me nearly back on track!

So there we have it. In my books, that’s a pretty good week. Shame things in the future don’t look so nice. Back to work next week and then after that I’m starting on my nightshift. Bye-Bye social life, Bye-Bye Sun, Hello extra money!

Night! X

New Video and Thoughts of it’s Future Affects

October 27, 2008

Monday, 27 October 2008

00:52

Ok first off, let’s get the shameless self-promotion out the way. There’s a new video, as well as a couple of new photos. If that’s all you want then you can just scurry off and view them while I talk to the grown-ups!

I realise that what my videos and photos portray on the internet is not really the person I am, and I have many times thought about how these things may affect my future ‘normal’ life as a woman. When (if) I have a respectable job somewhere, I wouldn’t be too surprised if someone managed to do a bit of googling around and track down this page along with my others. And then there would be uproar. Or so you may think. I honestly feel that when I’m older I won’t hide the fact that I’m transsexual. That’s not to say I’ll prance around the High Street with a gold plated “Tranny” necklace dangling against my chest, no, I think that if somebody is close enough to me, I will have no problem telling them, and if they have a problem with me afterward, no big loss. It’s much much easier to tell someone the truth early on in the relationship rather than several years in. I understand that completely, as the only people I’ve actually told are friends I’ve made within the last year or so. I still haven’t found a way to tell my best friend from Junior School. We’ve probably known each other 15 years or so, and after that amount of time, it’s hard to make it seem like I’ve not just been hiding this from her, especially as I’ve known the truth most of that time as well.

So yes, I will be relatively open about it when I’m older. After all I shouldn’t be ashamed. That actually reminds me of an incident recently at work. A large, masculine man that works in the warehouse end of my place of work has been onto me about my sexuality since I paused at his question “Are you gay?” a few weeks back. He kept asking me why I looked embarrassed about it and I eventually replied “Maybe I’m embarrassed that I’m straight,”. He then asked, “Why would you be embarrassed you were straight?” to which I replied, “Why would I be embarrassed if I were gay?!” He didn’t have anything to come back to that, and since then he’s not bothered me. I’m not actually ‘gay’, I should point out, but I still think that there’s no reason to be ashamed whether you be gay, straight, bi, or anything else I may have missed out.

I think even if this website does come back to haunt me in my future, I’ll be ok with it. Everybody matures, opinions change, deep set feelings don’t tend to. Everything I’ve said on this blog, I’ve meant. Or at least I meant it at the time. Sometimes extreme emotions have made me write things I wouldn’t normally, but most of the time I really do mean every word I write. I may well see some things differently when I’m older, but I don’t want to forget about how I feel now.

One quick thing before I go, this upcoming Halloween there was going to be a Rocky Horror themed party. Since wondering what to wear, the organiser has decided to change it to cartoon characters, with one of my friends telling me that they were thinking of going as Alice in Wonderland. Seen as this was the friend I’d already told about me, I told her that I had an Alice dress and she then suggested very enthusiastically that I should go as Alice instead. Unfortunately, I’ve tried and tried to get that night off work, but to no avail. I’ll have to go straight out from work without a costume and just enjoy the night out as is. As brilliant as that would have been, I don’t mind too much, there’s plenty more opportunities to dress up in the future, I’m sure of it…

Night! X

Not Feeling Fantastic

January 15, 2008

Tuesday, 15 January 2008

00:38

Well I did have fun today, and I did take a significant amount of photos which I shall now proceed to sift through and upload over time. Seen as I’ve just taken a new batch, I will upload the last couple of photos from my last (schoolgirl) batch.

I need to stop being so jealous and envious all the time. I see girls everyday that are so beautiful, I just feel like I can never ever look as good as them. I feel like no matter what I do, I just won’t look beautiful. Often when I’m browsing around the internet I come across a fantastically beautiful transgendered person and then I just feel even worse, knowing they’ve ‘been issued the same tools’ if you get my drift. I know that there’s always going to be people prettier than me, but I don’t like knowing that. I also know that feeling like this isn’t good, and lets just say, these feelings come and go. Right now I’m in a bad place in my head, I need to just cool down, relax. I need to tell myself that everything will be ok, it will work out, and I will learn to accept that I can’t be the best at everything.

Maybe I just need someone in my life. Two centuries* of no loving relationships what-so-ever is probably not good for anyone, especially someone like me who loves to go out and have a good time. Not having a partner, mixed in with not being who I feel is myself, along with all the usual day to day trouble can take it out on you, and I guess this is the reason I have these lows sometimes.

Here’s the last of the pictures, enjoy.

11th December (12)

11th December (13)

Night! X

*I meant decades. Thanks Alice! Although technically I haven’t had a relationship for two hundred years either, but most of that time I haven’t been alive, so I guess I should forgive myself for that!

Anyone For Some T?

January 10, 2008

Thursday, 10 January 2008

00:33

What does my mum not get? She’s insisting on cutting my hair tomorrow. She said in front of my sister so I couldn’t say “No, don’t cut my hair, I want it long” because my sister would get suspicious. My mum knows I can’t tell my sister and it seems to me like she’s using that against me.

Ok, it may need tidying, but I can just imagine my Mum going crazy on my hair as soon as she got the opportunity, making it look boyish. I don’t trust her in that respect. I wish she would give me more room, more of my own life. Yes family is important, and of course I love then all, but I’m 20 now, I need a life of my own, and a life I want to lead more importantly.

Since telling my parents I’ve thought about the possibility of moving out a lot more. I’ve even thought about moving out the country. It is a good time to move to the US after all with this Dollar to the Pound being so high. But, of course, I have things that still need doing in this country. Not all of my friends know, and neither do any of my family except my parents. Also if I’m going to go through with the SRS and everything, this is certainly the right country to be in, with the ‘free’ treatment. The ‘free’ treatment that seems nigh impossible to get from where I’m standing. I think I’d prefer to earn the money to do it right. Don’t get me wrong, I’m sure British doctors are capable, but I’d just feel better in the hands of someone who’s done this sort of thing many times before. I don’t want to look like a freak and not work properly after this! I also don’t want to look like I’ve had any surgery, I want to keep as much of my own body as possible. As much as I hate aspects of it, I have to realise that it’s the body I’ve been issued with and if I don’t respect it, then who will?

I wish my parents understood more, but I knew it would be difficult for them. They are both in their 50’s, so are a little out of touch with the modern mindset. They are also very reserved people generally. They have probably never thought more than a minute about transgendered people simply because they’ve not needed too. There’s not a whole lot of need to know about it if you’ve never come across it before. That could do with changing. Everyone knows about gay people, and everyone has an opinion about gay people, but transgendered people are forgotten about. They are the mysterious misunderstood T of LGBT.

I’ve only just really thought about how incorrect it is to include Transgender in LGBT. Transgender is not a sexual orientation. It is completely different to who we want to be with, it is who we feel we are inside. I guess it’s something that can be put up with though if it does provide us with transgender equality rights, but it does seem like it would only be another problem towards the confusion surrounding the transgender spectrum.

If we all keep at making it a more publicly accessible idea, it will only be a matter of time until large numbers of people start standing up for us too. Come on people, let’s roll!

Ok here’s a picture, and I’m off. Still quite a few still need to be uploaded! Nearly a month old as well, better get my skates on.

11th December (11)

Night! X

Shemale Porn, This Ain’t

January 8, 2008

Tuesday, 08 January 2008

00:54

You know what really worries me? Right now it’s this site. It’s a ‘topsites’ list of transgender related websites around the internet. I have my site on that list (and you can vote for me by clicking here if you like! hint hint!). I’m not disappointed that I’m not at the top, no, not that, it’s the fact that surrounding me are websites all with a different combination of the words, Shemale, Tranny, Escort, Hardcore, XXX, Porn. I’m disappointed because, blatantly not every transgendered individual out there is a sex obsessed porn star. Those people that know little about transgendered people are going to come onto that site and just see porn porn porn! How is this going to help improve the public image of transgenderism?

It’s a bit difficult to know what to do to be honest. I’m all for self expression and all that, and if these people decide they fancy showing off their bits and pieces to the world, then go for it. But I don’t like that they’re bringing me along with them. How can it be stopped? I think people just need to know the difference, the general public that is. I’m sure if you said the word “transsexual” to a random passer by and asked them to think of the first word that came into their head afterwards, it would be something like, shemale, Thailand, escort, drag queen. Things similar to that. I would, incidentally, like to try that out, I would be interested to hear the results.

Maybe I’m just being pessimistic about the whole thing, maybe people do realise that there are real people trying to live their lives as transsexuals out there. I don’t know, but to me it just seems that only a few members of the public will realise that.

I’ve thought about who or what is to blame for our lack of acceptance and I’ve come to the conclusion that it is nothing in particular. The reason transsexuals are immediately likened to drag queens is because of certain TV personalities. For example Paul O’Grady (UK) used to dress up as a woman and do a stand up routine for the purposes of entertainment. I’m not blaming him at all, he just did what worked for him. The reason he was on TV because he was confident, outgoing, interesting, different, these are some of the qualities that are needed for television personalities. People like me, fairly reserved transgendered folk are obviously not as good a choice as a TV personality because we’re probably not going to entertain the masses in the same way. Therefore we’re not really going to get noticed in the media world, and so here lies the problem. What can be done? Should 100_4092 (1)anything be done, or over time will it all sort itself out?

Well I hope I’m not ruining the whole premise of this post by posting a new picture of myself as a schoolgirl! Ah well, we all know it’s just a bit of fun, and non-transgendered folk are probably not going to find themselves here anyway.

 

Night! X