Archive for the ‘Internet’ Category

I Love You Nan

August 20, 2012

Monday 20th August 2012


I’m not entirely sure why I still type the precise time I start my blog entries, it’s not like I have multiple entries per day any more is it? Multiple entries in a year is quite the achievement these days. I guess it’s just force of habit. Or that I don’t like change…

Here I am again. For someone that really enjoys writing, this is too rare an occurrence. I think I’ve worked out why though. I’m ashamed. I’m ashamed I’ve not lived up to everything I promised myself when I was younger. Even if it were possible I’m not sure I could look my past self in the eyes now. I also feel the same for those of you that read this. A fair number of people have messaged me in the past telling me that I have been an influence on their decision to act on their feelings, and I feel that by not doing much myself I have lied to them. And I hate lying.

I should summarise what’s been going on since my last entry really, it’ll probably give you an indication as to why I’m feeling quite so down.

My Nan passed away last month. She was 97, which is a fantastic age to reach, but it doesn’t change the fact that she’s not here anymore. I have a few regrets from her passing. I wish I’d seen her more often, I wish I told her I loved her more than I did. Because I did. A lot. She didn’t know about me and I’m glad she didn’t. She was born into a very different world than I was and she would not have understood. It was better her not knowing.

Her passing has made a bit of an affect on me though. She was my last grandparent. It marks the end of an era. I am no longer a grandchild, only a child. There’s only the one generation above me now. Which means I should be thinking of beginning a generation below me doesn’t it? Well, children are something I’ve never really addressed on here before; in many ways I’ve not felt old enough up until now. But do I want kids? Yes. Not yet, but yes. The real question though, is do I want to be a Mother or a Father. It’s another question I don’t know the answer to.

If I had been born female I’d have been the happiest mother. As a male though, do I want my child to go through the issues of having a mother that used to be someone’s son? It’s a lot for kids to deal with, and as I always say I only want what is right for me as long as it isn’t wrong for someone else.

I guess these are issues that I can blurt out at the GIC next month. Yes, that’s right they moved my appointment back another month. Honestly I don’t mind, but I will start to mind if this coming appointment doesn’t materialize.

I am also currently off work ill. My girlfriend had a chest infection that was obviously so lovely she didn’t want to keep it all to herself. So now I’m basically housebound; walking anywhere further than the bathroom causes me to get very short of breath and dizzy. Sarah’s gone back to work today so I’m spending my alone time updating here.

So, now that I have all that out of my system, lets move onto better things.

I am currently in the market for a new wig. My hair was cut in a tragic planned appointment several months ago, and looking back at pictures before that I think my hair looked terrible in the state I kept it. I would love to grow it out and style it but as I’m still ‘undercover’ I can’t do that. So a new wig. I’ve looked around the internet for human hair wigs, and whilst everything about them appeals but the price, I’ve heard some people saying that a good synthetic wig is better. I’d just like to hear some opinions. Also some style options. I love the wig below, but apparently the website it is on is basically a scam site and many people have reported not receiving their goods and if they have, it being a less than stellar quality. So I’d like something like that on a reputable site.

This Isn't Me!

Also I’m now on tvChix. My username is EllaUK. If you’re interested in going out to a club somewhere local then by all means leave me a message, I’ll do my best to get back to you. I would love to go out at least once a month as Ella, but we’ll have to see.

Well, thanks for reading again, I’ll look at uploading some pictures later in the week. There’s still some from April I haven’t got up.

Night! X


Decisions Decisions

August 14, 2010

Saturday, 14 August 2010


And there it went.

So, I pulled out. I decided it wasn’t for me. I’m a bit of a tease really aren’t I?! Yeah, I decided against it because, well there’s several reasons. First off it was becoming apparent that I would have needed to be going away for the weekend quite often and I can’t be constantly running away from my loving girlfriend all the time. I’m lucky to have her in the first place and to put that in jeopardy would be a ridiculously silly thing to do, I’m sure you understand.

Second reason: Seen as I would be going away quite often I would need to constantly make up stories to tell both mine and Sarah’s parents when I couldn’t go to either for a Sunday roast. I had to do it the one time for that photo-shoot and I immediately remembered how much I hated intentionally misleading people. Partly because I’ve been doing it all my life and it can never be a good thing to get back into that, and partly because I’m not very good at lying. Which is also basically my third reason:

I’m not very good at acting. And I believe that would have developed into a bit of a necessity! Granted I’ve never actually tried acting, and I’m always told it’s not that hard, but I figure that if there are some whole schools dedicated to it then it can’t be one of those things that you can just “blag your way through”. Well you could, but it could end up looking like a bad acted porno. Which leads nicely onto my last reason.

Whilst not technically porn, it was close enough for me to reconsider. It’s what it’s all about even if I wasn’t going to be showing more than I already have. I made a promise to myself several (hundred) posts ago that I would never do anything porny, and I think I should stick to my principles. Well if I don’t who else is going to?!

I think that’s all the reasons I have to be honest. I do wish the crew the best of luck and I hope that it all works out well. They really are a nice bunch of people and if any of you are considering modelling for them and are sure you want to do it, just go for it. I look forward to seeing the kind of things they make.

What? I will. I watch porny things, why not? Well actually I don’t, I read it. And that’s all I have to say on the matter…

Every time I write porny it just makes me wonder if there’s ever been a porn film called “My Little Porny”.

Google says no, but apparently it was front page news in Bristol (?!)

Oh and there’s a quiz based on this very concept. But when isn’t there?

(I got 2 out of 12!)

Sorry, my mind does wander sometimes. I think I need to ban myself from using Google when I’m writing one of these, it really does interfere. Within about 5 minutes I’d have been viewing the history of sporks for no particular reason.

So yes anyway, my main point is that I won’t be carrying on with my modelling, at least in this way. I would like to do modelling that’s, say, more family-friendly though.

Some possible good news; Sarah now works earlies whilst I’m working lates, so whilst it’s not exactly great for us, the good thing is that I might be able to write up on here a little more often. Just don’t expect pictures everytime! I unfortunately don’t get that much time to dress with make-up. I will continue to upload a few unseen photos from the shoot though.

That’s enough for now, I have more to say, but if I keep them for another entry it might actually make me do it!

Tranisa Shoot (4) Tranisa Shoot (5) Tranisa Shoot (6)

Oh yes, I almost forgot, here’s a song of the moment. Well it was 2 months ago, but it’s still relevant. One of my favourite songs ever, it really is quite beautiful.


Night! X

This Still Ain’t Shemale Porn…

April 27, 2010

Tuesday, 27 April 2010


Ok, I’ve got to stay up all night tonight, as I’m doing a night shift tomorrow night and I don’t really fancy having a snooze half way through my shift. Might not go down too well. So, I have quite a bit of time on my hands, enough time to update you with all the goings on.

So, why the title, you may ask. Well, I have some possibly exciting news. I won’t be going into a lot of detail yet, but lets just say I have an opportunity to model a little as Ella, and may also be in a few more professional videos online. I have been reassured that it will be tasteful and well made, and that it will not be ‘overly’ erotic. As you may have guessed from the title, this is not porn. I stand by that I wouldn’t do that. These videos will not require me to expose myself more than I have done already, so in my eyes, it is ok.

My girlfriend had previously expressed her concerns for me doing this, and to be honest with you I had them as well. Still do actually, but less so. We both met up with the people that messaged me online and discussed exactly what I would be doing if I decided to do it, and the people we met were really friendly and reassuring. They definitely struck me as the kind of people that would respect my wishes and not mess me around.

Since then, my girlfriend has been much more accepting of the idea, and has told me that she would at least be comfortable for me to go ahead and do this. So right now I’m just waiting to hear from them for my first photo shoot. It is pretty exciting, but at the same time I’m trying not to get my hopes up too much just in case it all falls through.

Ok, so there you go, that’s pretty much all I can say about it at the minute. It goes without saying that I will keep you up to date with everything I’m doing with this.

I imagine now, that some of you may be a little disappointed in me. After all I have always said that I wouldn’t do porn, and it may seem a little difficult to differentiate porn and what I’ve been offered here. I would like some feedback about this: Whether you think it’s a good idea or not. Essentially I’m not going to change my decision based on what people say on here, but I’d be interested to hear from you.

My decision is that I am going ahead with this. To me, it sounds like a fun experience with the possibility of being a good way to meet new friends and make new connections, and when it comes down to it, I can decide to step away if I think it’s getting too much. I can at least say I gave it a go. I’m not leaving my job to do this.

I also imagine that this will come as good news to those of you that found your way to this site because this post has the word “shemale” in the title and that “porn” is written several times. It’s no good looking all innocent there, I know there’s more of you reading this because of the title. The last post I had where I mentioned “Shemale Porn” is still my second most read post. I guess it kind of shows the light in which transgendered folk are viewed. Some might argue that I’m not doing much to help that by modelling like this, but please, reserve judgement until after. If it’s going to be anything like I think it is, then it won’t be detrimental.

Ok, I’m going to leave it there, I do have all night to waste, but I wouldn’t mind doing a bit of cleaning instead of just typing away the early hours.

Just one final point, I’ve had a flurry of emails about various profiles around the net with pictures of me on them. This is nothing new for me, but I just thought I’d make this clear. The only real profiles of me that I use are;

and obviously this one If you wish to message me, only use these sites, but as always I rarely get chance to reply to emails, but I do read all of them, and once again I’d like to give you all a collective Thank You for all the kind words I continue to receive.

Here’s my song of the moment, and a couple of pictures.

15th January (5) 15th January (4)

15th January (3)

Night! X

Best Blog-Post-About-Being-Suspended-From-Work-By-Someone-Named-Ella of the Decade…ever!

December 31, 2009

Thursday, 31 December 2009


Here we are, last day of the year. It’s been quite a big one for me. Year that is, not day. I could summarise everything that’s happened to me since this time last year, but a) I don’t remember, b) You could just read the few posts I’ve done this year if you were really interested, and c) Nobody really likes “End of the Year” clip show recap kind of things. I know this because right now every other show on TV and article on the internet is one. There’s all these awards going around I doubt there’s anything that doesn’t have an award, and even then they’d probably receive an award-less award or something.

It’s also worse this year because there’s “Best of the Decade” awards as well. Don’t get me wrong I do like some of them for introducing me to new things I may have missed, but there seems to be this constant desire to rank everything. And then you get the people that disagree with an order of ranking and kick up a fuss. For goodness sake people, just enjoy what you enjoy and stop trying to convert everyone to the same views you have. It’s as bad as religion.

Hmm, religion. Yeh, I’m not going to go there.

So anyway, I have recently been suspended from work. For something that wasn’t my fault I’d like to add. They told me I shouldn’t be telling anyone about this, so keep this quiet, internet. Basically I was suckered into breaking our rules without me realising. I won’t go into too much detail, just in case, but I was effectively set up, and the only thing I’m guilty of is being an idiot by not noticing it. An investigation into it is currently ongoing, but if my interview was anything to go by, I’ll find out the verdict in about May. I couldn’t quite believe that they could ask me enough questions to constitute the 4 ½ hours interview I had. Well in fact they didn’t. Most of the time was me sitting around waiting for the interviewer to come back and then ask me the same question again. It was a bit ridiculous. It also made me cry, which is the second or third time I’ve broken down crying in front of people at work. I’m just not a very strong person in confrontational situations, and can very easily be intimidated. Unfortunately me crying seemed to make them believe I may have a guilty conscience. Ah well, if it comes out at the end of this that I’m guilty I definitely won’t be leaving it at that, I’ll bring in the big boy lawyers to seek justice. Then I’ll find another job.

So apart from possibly being sacked, I’m not doing bad. I had a great Christmas. My parents are still not acknowledging my transgenderism at all, and still insist on getting me typically ‘boy’ presents. I do like some of it, but that’s not the point, it’s that they’re just pretending I’ve never told them that bugs me. Fortunately though, my girlfriend Sarah got me nothing but typically ‘girl’ presents. Some pink bootie slippers, a big box of Boots No.7 cosmetics and creams, and a beautiful ring amongst other things. My friend Laura also got me a really nice necklace and a pair of pink patterned socks. It’s been great, I’ve loved everything I got. I got a lot of fancy chocolate too; right now I’m eating some Cocoa Dusted Chocolate Truffles, sipping Champagne, and laughing patronisingly at the lower classes.

I’m kidding.

I am eating the truffles, but that’s because I’m hungry and it’s too late to cook anything, and a lot of the dusty cocoa is going down my top, so yeh, it’s not quite as grandiose as I led on.

That’s 6 down, 24 to go.

Om Nom Nom Nom.

The longer I’m here writing this the smaller that 24 will get and the bigger my tummy will get, along with the size of my regret tomorrow morning when I’m leaning over the toilet, sick from excessive chocolate consumption. Never had that to be honest.

Well, there’s a first time for everything

Om Nom Nom Nom.

It is getting a bit late. You can tell it quite easily if you’ve got the TV on. When the only thing on that you want to watch are music channels, you know it’s time for a kip.

Oh, I better just say, I’ve been messing around with the domain name, and it’s gone a bit funky, so if you use that to find me use this address for now(, I’ll see if I can get it fixed, but my domain maintenance skills are somewhat lacking. I’d also like to get myself a proper hosted webpage, but I don’t yet have the expendable cash for it and this is uninteresting!

Ok, I’ll leave it there, here’s a few pics, and my song of the moment. It’s not exactly Christmassy, I’m just loving it.

IMG_1807 (1) IMG_1815 (1)

Hope you had Happy Holidays and have a Great New Year.

Night! X

Friends Will Be Friends

November 9, 2009

Monday, 9 November 2009


No matter how many times I say things like “I’ll be sure to write on here again sooner” it never seems to stick like it used to. Sure, before, I was single, I spent most of my nights alone, this was a fun distraction and it served as a great way of expressing myself. Now though, I express myself in the physical world daily. I don’t want to sound like I’m complaining, I really am not, but it has stopped the need of this so much. I still enjoy it, but it doesn’t fulfil me as much as before. Also, seen as I’m now updating less, I feel like all my blog posts now need a point, they can’t just be inane observations. It would seem like that’s all that happened in the two months it’s been since I last updated.

Well, seen as were talking about it now, I will tell you what’s been happening. I have opened up to another couple of friends. One of which already knew, (through a friend I once told mistakenly on a drunken night) but he was absolutely fine with it, and the other friend was even better than absolutely fine about it. She has since seen my pictures, read this blog, and seen me dressed in person, and then done my hair… and makeup. So yeh, she’s not exactly going to be turning up at my door with a flaming torch and a face twisted into a transphobia induced rage. It does make me question why I never told them before, but then again we did it the right way like this, instead of just blurting out to a fairly untrustworthy friend in McDonalds whilst under the influence of a few too many vodka based drinks! Doing it that way clearly gives the impression that I’m happy for them to go telling anyone they like! *sarcasm*

I have to admit though, I have been overwhelmed by the level of acceptance amongst my group of friends. There are only now two or three in our main group that don’t know, and hopefully they will be as understanding as the rest have been. I do feel sorry for those of you out there that don’t have the most open-minded friends, but if you haven’t tried to tell them yet, you might be surprised. Even if they sometimes make jokes about that kind of thing, it doesn’t mean they wouldn’t understand it if you opened up to them; if they’re true friends they will do their best to learn to understand, in fact they may be secretly a little pleased that you feel you are close enough to them to tell them that. I know I would be if a close friend ever opened their heart to me.

So, I’ve just had a week off from work, which has been great. Haven’t done much, in fact these few paragraphs are pretty much the extent of anything of any merit that I have produced, but hey, holidays are meant to be about chilling out and relaxing. Chillaxing if you will. I, will not, I actually hate myself for writing that. I may just go over to the wall and tenderise my forehead on it for a while.

Anyway, I do have a good reason to…relax recently, because I have recently been given a promotion. Yeh ok, I still work in a store, but now I’m going to classed as a “Section Coordinator”. That is if this Christmas period goes well. I know I’m good enough for the job, hell, I could probably get myself a job ten times better if I actually set my mind to it, but for now it’s pretty decent. Basically, all I have to do different is tell people what to do instead of doing it myself. Yep, I’m just given a throne and my minions will fetch me grapes and wine and kiss my feet and give me head massages and I will chuckle loudly to myself and it will be magnificent. Well…I have been off work for a week, so my memories of it may be a little warped, but it’s something like that.

Ok I’ll leave it there. I think I will start a new thing where in every post I’ll link to the infinite time killer that is YouTube with a song that I’ve been playing a lot recently or just something I want to people to listen to. Be it legal or ill, it doesn’t really matter, I’m only pointing at it.

This time, it’s “Road Rage” by Catatonia. It’s very 90’s, well it’s from the 90’s at least, can’t get much more 90’s than that. I just reminds me of school and that, I like it.

Oh and of course the pictures. Here’s one of me with me real hair curled, done by the girl I’ve only told recently. Yes, that’s right it’s another for my relatively small “Sans Wig” collection!

15th October (1)

7th November (1)

Night! X

Good Times…

June 6, 2009

Saturday, 06 June 2009


I’ve been really busy lately. It’s all good stuff too. Last Sunday, I went up to Alton Towers, which if you haven’t heard, is a fairly decent theme park. Possibly the best one in the UK. Well I had a good day, although I did get pretty sick from Air (that’s the name of a ride, not the actual atmosphere). I have always been a little prone to motion sickness, but it seems to get worse as time goes on. The way things are going, by the time I’m 50 I’ll be throwing up when I lean forward for the TV remote.

But yeah, Alton Towers was great after I’d recovered. And that’s not all; I managed to top that on Thursday. Me, my girlfriend, and another couple headed up to Manchester and saw Oasis live, which was a-maz-ing. I’d only seen a couple of live bands before including Bon Jovi and *cough* S Club 7. But (fairly obviously) Oasis blew them out the water. It did have a few hiccups at the start though. During the first song, the whole stage lost power, and then during the second it went again. Turns out the generator blew out, so it took another 45 minutes or so for the techies to sort it. But once it did, it was the best live music I’d ever seen. We were pretty close to the stage as well; right in the front pit. I really am going to have to see more live bands in the future.

That isn’t all I’m up to this week either. It’s my birthday on the 10th June and to celebrate, I’m heading down to London with my girlfriend this coming weekend and going out as Ella hopefully all the time. I’ll be going to a TG club I’ve been to before. I’m not comfortable putting my exact location out on the internet for anyone to see, but if you’re out in London this coming Saturday in a TG bar you may see me! I have no idea what I’m wearing yet, but I’ve got plenty of choices now. I can’t seem to stop buying things, and I really should stop, money is more and more becoming a nasty issue.

I think I’m going to have to leave this one here. I keep getting sidetracked with the likes of YouTube and music. This isn’t good. I’ve not really been in a decent writing mood for a long time, but I do still really want to. I enjoy writing when I’m in the right frame of mind, but when you’re not it’s pretty tricky to think of subjects. And yet there is so much that should be going on in my life. I guess I could think of something completely irrelevant, but that would be like fishing in a barrel of fish only to find a toy space shuttle…

Oh I did see this male Britney impersonator on “America’s Got Talent” that looked pretty convincing and to be honest I’m a little jealous, but yeah hey, that’s why he’s on TV and I’m not. -EDIT: Just found out this was from last year’s show. Why is it the UK gets these shows a year late even if it’s our own programme format!? So anyway yes, sorry if you’ve already seen this about 20 times already-

I have to admit, I do get very jealous of a lot of women or crossdressers etc. that look better than me. It’s probably one of my worst traits. It doesn’t help that I’m a bit of a perfectionist as well. I always try to look the best I can, and when I still don’t look as good as some people it upsets me a bit, but that’s really something I’ve got to get over. If I can’t get the confidence in myself at all, I’ve got no hope! It’s just sometimes if I go out to clubs and see all these girls my age having a great time, and I’m feeling all ugly in my boy clothes, it can really get to me. And it has been getting worse. Recently, more often than not, I’ve been coming home really upset and physically in tears. It’s not really healthy. I think I talk about this quite a bit, and if I am repeating myself, I’m sorry, but it’s been on mind that much.

Having said that though, I am having a great time with Sarah and despite the weekly fits of tears I am the happiest I’ve ever been. Makes you think how bad I must have been before.

Well hey look I wrote a bit more. That’s what happens when you turn you music off and resist the urge of YouTube. Must…not…look….

***45 Minutes Later***

Damn it. It did it again. They should put some kind of warning up before you watch any videos on there. “We will not be held responsible for any viewers that never see the sun again”

Talking of YouTube…

***30 Minutes Later***

Argh, damnit. Talking of YouTube, my “Born a Girl” video has nearly broken the 200,000 viewers mark which I’m relatively impressed about. I may well think about uploading some more videos soon. I do still want to do one of me playing the keyboard, but because that requires me to practice, I probably won’t for a while. Maybe I’ll get something when I go out in London. Yeah, I’ll see what I can do…

Night! X

New Video and Thoughts of it’s Future Affects

October 27, 2008

Monday, 27 October 2008


Ok first off, let’s get the shameless self-promotion out the way. There’s a new video, as well as a couple of new photos. If that’s all you want then you can just scurry off and view them while I talk to the grown-ups!

I realise that what my videos and photos portray on the internet is not really the person I am, and I have many times thought about how these things may affect my future ‘normal’ life as a woman. When (if) I have a respectable job somewhere, I wouldn’t be too surprised if someone managed to do a bit of googling around and track down this page along with my others. And then there would be uproar. Or so you may think. I honestly feel that when I’m older I won’t hide the fact that I’m transsexual. That’s not to say I’ll prance around the High Street with a gold plated “Tranny” necklace dangling against my chest, no, I think that if somebody is close enough to me, I will have no problem telling them, and if they have a problem with me afterward, no big loss. It’s much much easier to tell someone the truth early on in the relationship rather than several years in. I understand that completely, as the only people I’ve actually told are friends I’ve made within the last year or so. I still haven’t found a way to tell my best friend from Junior School. We’ve probably known each other 15 years or so, and after that amount of time, it’s hard to make it seem like I’ve not just been hiding this from her, especially as I’ve known the truth most of that time as well.

So yes, I will be relatively open about it when I’m older. After all I shouldn’t be ashamed. That actually reminds me of an incident recently at work. A large, masculine man that works in the warehouse end of my place of work has been onto me about my sexuality since I paused at his question “Are you gay?” a few weeks back. He kept asking me why I looked embarrassed about it and I eventually replied “Maybe I’m embarrassed that I’m straight,”. He then asked, “Why would you be embarrassed you were straight?” to which I replied, “Why would I be embarrassed if I were gay?!” He didn’t have anything to come back to that, and since then he’s not bothered me. I’m not actually ‘gay’, I should point out, but I still think that there’s no reason to be ashamed whether you be gay, straight, bi, or anything else I may have missed out.

I think even if this website does come back to haunt me in my future, I’ll be ok with it. Everybody matures, opinions change, deep set feelings don’t tend to. Everything I’ve said on this blog, I’ve meant. Or at least I meant it at the time. Sometimes extreme emotions have made me write things I wouldn’t normally, but most of the time I really do mean every word I write. I may well see some things differently when I’m older, but I don’t want to forget about how I feel now.

One quick thing before I go, this upcoming Halloween there was going to be a Rocky Horror themed party. Since wondering what to wear, the organiser has decided to change it to cartoon characters, with one of my friends telling me that they were thinking of going as Alice in Wonderland. Seen as this was the friend I’d already told about me, I told her that I had an Alice dress and she then suggested very enthusiastically that I should go as Alice instead. Unfortunately, I’ve tried and tried to get that night off work, but to no avail. I’ll have to go straight out from work without a costume and just enjoy the night out as is. As brilliant as that would have been, I don’t mind too much, there’s plenty more opportunities to dress up in the future, I’m sure of it…

Night! X

I’m Not Even Angry…

September 26, 2008

Friday, 26 September 2008


I am still alive. In fact I’m doing fantastic and I’m still alive. Still alive, still alive…

I realised that the moment I exited the comfortable sunny beaches of transgendered websites to dive into the deep dark sea of YouTube and the like, I would come across sharks that would inevitably want to eat me up and leave nasty comments and poke fun.

Well maybe sharks are a little too high up the food chain for these idiots that just insult and attempt to offend. I think seaweed is more appropriate. Sure, it’s a bother when I’m swimming along and my leg gets caught in some seaweed, but at the end of the day I have a knife, so the seaweed is merely an inconvenience. Maybe I could even cut them off completely and make a nice soup when I get home.

So, to all the seaweed out there; I don’t care, I really don’t care. I’ve been happily surprised by the small amount of seaweed I’ve come across thus far anyway, and these new ones aren’t going to bother me at all.

Anyway, now I’ve cleared that up, I should probably let you know how I’ve been getting on. Well, the truth is, nothing has really changed. My parents are still ignoring this part of me. Recently at a family get-together one of my cousins was talking about a transgendered colleague at work, and how she gets treated unfairly, and as soon as the word ‘transgender’ was spoken I saw my mum physically jolted in her seat. I think it was only obvious to me because I knew she would, I don’t think the rest of my family noticed. The reaction I did like was from my Dad, who my cousin was talking to about this. He agreed it was unfair for her, and that has to be the closest sign I’ve had so far that he’s coming around. Before, he may have laughed, or maybe just not understood. Truth be told at the moment, I don’t think they’ll ever come around completely. We are that reserved as a family that I just don’t see them accepting this without them themselves changing, and I don’t want to change them as people, just their views.

As for my friends, nobody new knows. Sarah, the most accepting of all my friends, has a birthday coming up and has decided to do a Rocky Horror theme. Now, you may be surprised, but I’ve never seen that film, so I don’t know if it’s really suitable for me to be getting involved with something like that. I was hoping to wear my new Alice dress, but I highly doubt that fits in with the theme! Also, Sarah has been talking about travelling around the world with me. She’s been looking into getting round the world tickets, and I would be more than happy to do that as well. It’s something I’ve always wanted to do. What remains to be seen though is whether or not she’d let me be myself when we travel. It’s definitely a nice idea, but whether it will come to anything, we’ll have to wait and see, things like this usually don’t at the moment.

But I’m really being quite pessimistic. I’m lucky to have Sarah so understanding and accepting, and I’m lucky with all my other friends as well, many of which I still need to tell.

Hopefully I can work up the courage to get back to the doctors and get on with my life. I don’t know why I keep telling you this, I should really just get out there and do it. I want to be happy in my life, I want to be able to say “My life was a triumph, I’ll make a note here: ‘Huge Success’”.

Also there are a couple of new photos of mine up on Flickr…

25th August (2)


By the way, those of you that got the Portal reference, here’s your virtual cake. Seriously, it’s not a lie!

Night! X

‘Video (Isn’t The Real) Me’

August 17, 2008

Monday, 18 August 2008


As it turns out, I really shouldn’t have promised to reply to everyone that sends messages to me, it is just not possible given my situation. I have to apologise to everyone that has messaged me and I do feel very bad for not having replied but living a double life, if you like, creates very few chances to actually sit down on here on my own and write to people. I do appreciate those of you that have offered me help and given me words of advice, I really do, and to all of those people, thank you. Hopefully in the future I will personally thank you all but until then I hope this will do!

Well, where to start, I guess this video of mine for one. First off I did not anticipate it being viewed and commented on quite as much as it has. My ‘channel’ is apparently even the 4th most subscribed channel in the UK this month, and it wasn’t even this month I uploaded it. I am shocked purely for the fact that this video is nothing! I really don’t do anything in this video, and I have to be honest here, several people have picked up on it, but the ‘Video Me’ isn’t really the same as the real me, in terms of actions and gestures. What I mean to say is that I was acting more feminine than I really am. It was over the top, and when I did the video I knew it was. I didn’t record myself with the long term idea to upload it onto YouTube. It’s called experimenting.

I do have other videos of myself, but I’m unsure as to whether I really want to upload them. I’m concerned that one of these days someone is going to recognise me and out me. A few times in the last few weeks I’ve contemplated shutting down my whole online profile. This blog, my flickr account, everything, just because I’ve been concerned as to just how popular 4th in the UK is. But I realised that without this to come and write on every so often, I may well explode from excessive bottling up of emotions. Also, maybe I don’t care that I might get outed. So what? It’s not like I have a professional life to destroy. At some point I will be ‘out’ anyway so why do I hide so much? My parents know already, and if the rest of my family found out through some means it wouldn’t make much of a difference. I guess the main thing I’m concerned about is that if I do get outed this way, I will be seen as the overly feminine vain creature that flirted with the camera on the internet in a shameless copy of Magibon. Which, for those who aren’t following, I am not.

Night! X

Thank You

February 22, 2008

Thursday, 21 February 2008


Even though my parents aren’t really accepting, and my friends are less accepting than I would hope, I have to say, I have been very moved by the supportive and helpful comments messaged to me over the internet from relative strangers. Really this is all I wanted to say; Thank you to everyone who has done that. I feel bad about not having the time to reply to each person individually, but I hope you can take this as just a general all-round thank you. Every one of your messages is read and I listen to a lot of the advice I’m given. Obviously it does eventually just come down to me, but without you guys and girls out there on the internet, selflessly helping others, I really don’t know how I’d get by.

Thank You! X