Archive for September, 2007

Autbye si lyon kins eped

September 30, 2007

Sunday, 30 September 2007

01:36

I have my new camera up and running, and so far, fantastic! I’ve, what, taken four photos, but even so, the quality of them is superb. The actual subject of the photos is, lets say, not so good, but even so I’ll upload one just to show you. It is my bedside desk. Currently it is filled with very masculine things, along with a few things that show I’m still very much young at heart.

My Bedside Table

I may or may not take my camera to my Nan’s 92nd birthday party tomorrow. I’ll see how it pans out.

Ah yes, I may have finally got my holiday sorted. I have left a note anyway, so whatever happens now is not up to me. Either I get the holiday I want, or not. God I hope I get the day before and after the Crossdress night off. It’s all sorted apart from getting the time off now.

Well, anyway, I don’t have a lot of time because I want to get up early to get ready as well as play with my camera! Moo ha!

Currently I’m…taking way too long to work out what the phrase “Autbye si lyon kins eped” is an anagram of, and it’s only the letters in each word that are muddled. I’m not going to ruin the puzzle for you. Lyon really threw me off! I was thinking, what on earth?! Noyl? Loyn? Yoln?! Really couldn’t get it. Quite disappointing when you can’t get the puzzle on one of those late night phone in shows!

Night! X

Bye Bye Rob, Hello Camera!

September 29, 2007

Saturday, 29 September 2007

00:45

This is the exact stage I was at last year when I actually started my diary, and I realise why now. One of my best friends, Rob, has gone back to uni, and so now my social life will take a rather steep decline, and I’m going to be pretty lonely for a long time. The reason I started up was because I was alone, I felt lonely, and in no way over the course of this diary have things changed. I’m still just as lonely. Yes, I can now talk to Rob about exactly how I feel, but yet again here I am without him. Once he finishes uni, I’m sure he’ll be off getting on with his life. Where will I be when that happens? What stage will I be at?

I don’t like looking to the future very much recently. I can’t see it. I can’t actually imagine where I will be in a year from now. What will I be living like, will I still be at home, will my parents still not know? Will I be on my way to being the person I want to be. Only time will tell I guess, I just don’t like having a very open future. I like to know where I’m going you know?

Anyway, today I worked, of course, and then afterwards I went out for my final drink with Rob, and quite possibly the rest of my friends for a few weeks at least. Without Rob, meeting up rarely happens!

My Dad picked me and Rob up on the way home, and as Rob left the car for the last time for a while,I was sad, but I tried not to show it, after all, I’m not supposed to show my feelings to my Dad. He has to know nothing for now.

When I got home though, I had a surprise. My camera is finally mine! I have it, it’s great, I can’t wait to get going with it! I want to take fantastic pictures, get my own website and show them off to the world. I love photography, and I can’t wait to get into it more.

Anyway, I’m going to get a relatively early night, so see ya!

Currently I’m…thinking where to go first with my camera!

Night! X

Hair Cut.

September 29, 2007

Friday, 28 September 2007

01:17

My Mum did what I’d been trying to put off for weeks today. She finally managed to get a pair of scissors to my hair.

I tried my best to stop her cutting lots off without giving myself away, but it was difficult. She said, “Now this bit needs cutting, it’s looking a bit girly, and we don’t want that do we?” And I said “No”, but inwardly I was shouting “YEEEEESSS, I want it that more than anything!”.

As she cut my hair I hung my head down and saw it all falling off. I was quite literally close to tears at that point. I did manage to hold it back, but I was still upset. I know it sounds trivial and everything, but to me, my hair was one of the best improving things about me. It was getting longer and girlier every day, but now it’s just back to be relatively short.

Ok, so it’s not too bad, in fact I kinda like it. As a guys haircut it’s good, but for me, no. It’s kinda like Peter Petrelli’s from Heroes. God I love that show, so far!

Anyway, I’m getting too sidetracked by Family Guy at the moment, so I’ll update tomorrow.

Currently I’m…(see above)

Night! X

Pepperami Eels

September 27, 2007

Thursday, 27 September 2007

01:49

Still not sorted out my holiday. The person at work in charge of staffing managed to escape me again today. It’s like trying to catch a slippery eel covered in oil with buttery hands. That’s you with the hands, not the eel. Hehe, funny mental image. I think if eels had hands they’d be less weird. They’d look more like Pepperami and so comical. I still wouldn’t want to bite the head off an eel though.

What was I saying? Ah yes. The woman I’ve been trying to track down for weeks got away again. She’s the one I need to talk to so that I can get my holiday week at the time of the “Cross Dress Me” night, so I can get completely ready before-hand, and look as good as I can! I’ve just been wondering though, that there’s not really going to be that many other people crossdressing, and if they are, they won’t be quite as serious as me, so that may make me look a bit odd.

Oh that reminds me, two of my co-workers were talking about customers that come into our shop. One of them then bought up the fact that a “tranny” comes in sometimes. She then went on to say that she saw her going into the women’s changing rooms, and she saw her trying on a blouse while still wearing boxers. She said, “The bulge and the blouse looked pretty weird”. I didn’t say anything in defence for the girl, that would have given me away, but I felt sorry for her, and at the same time happy that someone could be so brave. I would certainly not want to go into a ladies changing rooms and try on clothes whilst I was still genetically male, it would be so nerve-wracking!

Anywho, I haven’t added to my story today, but hopefully will do tomorrow on my “No TV and Computer” day. We’ll see what happens I guess.

Currently I’m…not really doing anything more than typing this sentence.

Night! X

Playing With A Nice Camera!

September 27, 2007

Wednesday, 26 September 2007

01:56

What can I say, it was my day off. I had an ok day. This morning, my dad’s friend who’s now a professional photographer came over and lent me his camera. It’s pretty flashy, although not as flashy as the one I want to get. Anyway, I had a go with it, around the garden and stuff. After dinner though I went out for a bike ride, with the camera and took a few out and about. I didn’t take anything special really, but it was good to just mess around with it.

Here are a couple of the pictures I took today…

IMG_0014

IMG_0019

IMG_0027

Apart from that, the rest of the day I’ve just been watching TV, playing games or going on the internet. It’s been fairly unproductive apart from the photography.

Saying that though, tonight I started writing my own TG fiction story, or at least that’s what I had in mind. So far I’ve written quite a lot and really it’s just a back story for the moment. Nothing relating to transgenderism has really come up. I do just like writing though, I feel a lot less creative if I just get to the point quickly. With TG Fiction, for me, it’s got to be believable. Not that some boy that could magically transform into a girl is believable, but it’s got to have some kind of situation where it makes sense to become female. Like in stories where guys ‘get forced’ to put on something. If we’re talking reality here, the guy would just not do it, and if the person forcing him went on about it, he’d just leave and never want to see them again. It’s highly unlikely they’ll just go “No, but… oh ok then.”. I’ve now set up a back story that makes sense and is believable, in fact my whole story could easily be believable, I’ll see how it plays out.

Anyway, I’ve done the first chapter on that one now, so hopefully I’ll be able to get going on that again another time soon.

For now though, it’s really late, so I better get some sleep.

Currently I’m… thinking about what to do in this story of mine, as well as thinking about what to do in this life of mine! The three step plan… I must stick to it!

Night! X

My Three Step Plan

September 25, 2007

Tuesday, 25 September 2007

01:51

Today was ok. It was the last of a four day stint for me. I did a full time week in those four days. Boy, am I tired! I have a day off tomorrow, but there is a chance that one of my friends from work will give me a text asking if I want to go for a drink. The likely answer will be yes!

Also, my Dad’s friend who used to work with him but has now turned to photography will be coming over to let me borrow one of his cameras. The thing is I just feel under pressure to be able to use it well now. I wanted a new camera so I could learn how to use one and have fun taking pictures. What I didn’t want to do was be lent a camera that I have for little over a day and I not learn much, and the things I do learn will be irrelevant because I won’t ever be using that camera again. I want my own camera. It really does make me sound impatient, but it’s my money, my decision, I just want to be able to buy it!!

I’m getting a bit upset about everything again, but that happens pretty often nowadays, it’s barely worth mentioning. I’ve run the questions through my head so many times. Do I want to be a woman? Really?! Are you completely sure?! The answer to all three is yes. I know it is deep down that is everything I want. But it’s the complications with family, friends and work that just make it seem like the wrong decision. I know that I will make the right decision one day. I will just go ahead and do it, it’s what I have wanted for well over a decade, therefore it’s about time I started to do something about it.

Step one is tell my parents. It’s probably just about a decade I’ve not been able to do that as well. What makes me think that I’m going to be doing it soon? Well I have to, because I want to move out, but I don’t want to move out without telling them the truth about me. That’s two reasons to tell them, the other simply being because I want to tell them so I can move on with my life.

Step two is tell all my friends. This will be less difficult. I do have fewer close friends than many. Also if they chose not to accept it, then screw them, I don’t need them! The friends I’ve told all remain friends to this day, so the prospect of telling other friends seems somewhat more manageable.

Step three is going back to the doctors and starting on my road again. So maybe I’ve had a few bumps on that road so far, but hey, who doesn’t? I’ve just got to stick it out and endeavor to make it to the end, I think that’s the only mind-set I can be in for this. No matter what the doctors ask me to do, I will do it because being a woman is my final goal, and I will do almost anything to get there.

After those three steps, I don’t know what will happen, and anyway, that’s likely to be years away. I could do it all tomorrow, but it wouldn’t be the best way to do it by half. I need to give my parents time to come to terms with it before I go off gallivanting and becoming female in front of them!

Anyway, that’s enough from me.

Currently I’m… letting my mind drift into the future and becoming at ease with what’s in store at the end.

Night! X

Preparing For ‘Cross Dress Me’ Night!

September 24, 2007

Monday, 24 September 2007

01:49

I just did a 4:30 to Midnight shift. It actually goes very quickly, I didn?t mind it that much at all. The only thing that really bugs me, not just about to night, but at work in general; there are way too many managers out there. There was two in tonight and at one point, one of them told me to do something after I?d finished filling up shelves, then when I had the other manager came over and asked me to do something different. I did that something different and then the first manager comes back over to me and asks what I?m doing. Things like that kept happening. Ok, let me just fill you in. The first manager, Sharon, is actually the manager that suspected me of stealing 50 from out of the tills, so she doesn?t really see me as that honest. So I have been working hard to try and get her on my side again, but things just don?t work out that way, it?s like she?s destined not to like me.

Today was the second Sunday in a row where I?ve been working overtime. In fact, that reminds me, last week I did one of the things I hoped to do before I died! I ran up a down escalator! Obviously it wasn?t half as fun as it should have been, but it was still worth doing! I?ve always wanted to do that! Not sure why.

I?ve been trying for a couple of weeks now to sort out my holiday. The week I secretly want off is in two weeks; week beginning Monday 8th. The reason; so I can get ready for the ?Cross Dress Me? night that I?m still hopeful about going to. Now if I?d have actually booked my holiday when I wanted to, then it should be fine, but now I might be cutting it a bit, I?m sure if I?ll be allowed to have it off at such short notice. I?ve tried many times, but it?s either been too busy, the ?holiday folder? was missing, the staffing person was going home, my sheets weren?t in the holiday folder, or I?m being told to go elsewhere. It?s SO annoying! I really need that time off!! They have no idea what this night out means to me!

Anyway, it has gone 2am, and I am working tomorrow, so I?ll call it a night.

Currently I?m? half watching, half not, a film in which there?s currently a girl and a guy on what could well be Brighton beach. The girl just sat down, the guy is still standing. Nothing much else happening there. Wow, what a good film. Of course the lack of sound does take a bit out of it!

Ok, Night! X

Abstract Balls!

September 24, 2007

Friday, 21 September 2007

00:00

So that was no TV and Computer Day. And look at that, I?m here right on the dot of midnight. It?s not what it looks like, it?s not like I?ve been desperately waiting for this very moment all day. The truth is I was already on here anyway, and it?s actually just a coincidence I came on at this time. Screw Rules!

I actually didn?t mind today too much. I woke up late, and I mean late. Like 1:30pm. Normally I don?t like waking up that late, but I didn?t mind that much today because I couldn?t do a lot anyway! I had some dinner and then went around to my Nan?s to do her lawn. Her lawn has now got to the point that it probably won?t need cutting again for a long time. The winter is drawing in after all. With Christmas riding on the back of it with a just about audible distant sound of Ho Ho Ho?s.

Let me just say. I do love Christmas, but like almost everyone I speak to, I think the build-up starts much too early. I mean it?s just over 3 months until ?The Big Day?. What on earth?! Where?s the point? It?s no wonder that Christmas is getting more and more disappointing, with so much excitement in the build-up, it all kinda dies out toward the end! I think the build-up should start, earliest, at the beginning of December. That way it makes it feel even more special. Actually I think that should be made a law. Seriously!

Anyway, I did Nan?s lawn, and she was happy. Then afterwards me and Dad went into town. We went into the place of my work and bought a pair of woman?s shoes together, then headed to the checkout. Let me just say, everything I just said is all factual, but I did miss out some minor points. We bought them for Mum, we also bought some boxers for Dad, and we weren?t in town just to do that. Nevertheless, I can?t imagine any of my other friends who?s Dad would go into town with them and buy a pair of women?s shoes! Is my Dad accepting of femininity, or is he himself not all that masculine anyway? He was embarrassed mind you. I still think he wouldn?t be happy with me if I told him the truth though.

What we really went into town for was to look at buying me a camera. We succeeded in the looking but not the buying. The one I want (Canon 400D) was there and I had a bit of a go and I did want it. The guy that was trying to sell it us was one year younger than I and the words coming out of his mouth were basically a foreign language to me. He kept talking about all the features and things like that but the words just baffled. I will hope to learn some of those things, but for now I just want to take great pics and experiment at the same time, see what I can do. After all, photography is about the photos rather than the camera right?!

Talking of photos, I did take a few today. When I came home tonight I read a bit of the last Harry Potter book and put on a load of my novelty lights I have in my room. Let me just backtrack a bit, I LOVE novelty lights, or at least used to. I just loved the colours moving about my room and the gentle changing colours of various lights. It just relaxed me so much. Made me feel great. Another example of how I may well be autistic. My parents did think I was when I was younger, but nothing really came from it. I?m not entirely autistic, I know that much now, but I feel like there might just be something in there. Maybe it?s just the fact I?ve never been comfortable in my own body and so have never really had that much confidence. But lets not bring that up again.

The photos, yes. I took some photos of the disco ball I have in my room, and with a bit of fiddling around, this is what came out.

Dark DiscoAbstract Ball

Pretty good abstract kind of images I think. I like them considering I did them in like 5 minutes.

Anyway, without further ado, I must go bed-ward!

I?m currently? Listening to ?Now I?m Everyone? by Biffy Clyro. I bought the album, but I really haven?t heard that much. This song sounds ok, could get boring though.

Night! X

Getting Irritable At Work!

September 24, 2007

Saturday, 22 September 2007

00:49

Today was terrible, and I?d rather not talk about it, but I guess I have to really.

Ok so nothing ?terrible? happened, but I just got all annoyed and upset over nothing. Basically work was rubbish. I came in at 10:30am and was put straight on a till. I was still there when it was time for my break. So I had my 30 minutes and I came back down and then, Bam, straight on a till again. And I was there til 5pm then. That?s six whole hours of tilling with only half an hour break in between. I know what you?re thinking, ?What can be so bad about tilling??. Well it is just the complete repetitiveness of it all, and having to be smiley all the time, and then when some customer comes through who?s convinced they?re right about the price of some artichokes, and is a real arse about me questioning him, and then it turns out he was wrong, that all gets to me eventually. By the end of the day I felt close to tears again. Seriously, you just get so worked up you do get that bad. It?s not just the fact you?re on there all day, after all it is part of my job, but there?s people doing less hours than me being taken off the till to do things that, let?s face it, I could do better than them anyway! I?m sorry, but I just get so pissed off when I?ve been sat there all day, saying Hi, beeping things through, saying how much money it is, taking the amount of money they give, giving the change from the amount of money they gave me, handing them the receipt stating how much money it was, how much they gave me, and how much I gave them, and saying Bye. It sounds petty to be annoyed at that, but I?m not pulling your leg here, it?s horrible.

Ok, well after that ?fantastic? day at work, I came home to find out that not only did I still not have the camera I was buying yesterday, but also I might not even be getting one. The situation is complicated, but lets just say this. I went into the camera shop. The guy that served us was the assistant to a photographer who used to work with my Dad. Then some talk was had and it was decided that Dad?s friend would call Dad to see if he can arrange some kind of discount with us. All very well and good, I guess, but now it?s panning out so much more complicated than it really needs to be. I?ve been going on about buying a camera for quite a while now, and when I finally get the chance to go into town with Dad, we fail to buy a camera. You know I don?t remember the last time I actually bought something for myself, in a shop, without any kind of interference. I don?t think I?ve ever done it! Something always gets in the way, and then there?s a lengthier, but a little cheaper way of doing it. I guess it makes more sense in the long run, maybe I?m just impatient. In fact yes, I am impatient.

After talking to this guy in the camera shop (who is actually a year younger than me), I got very disheartened. He knows one hell of a lot more about cameras than I do, and I?ve seen some of his pictures and they are fantastic. And then there?s the guy who he?s an assistant to. He, apparently, has ?the gift of the gab? and everyone likes him. That?s another problem with me. I?ve never really had enough confidence in myself to get out there and just talk to strangers.

I now feel like I?m under pressure by these guys to do well. They both now know I?m just getting into photography, and no doubt they?d want to see some pictures. Well I feel embarrassed to show the ones I have now. Some are ok yes, but I just feel like I can do so much better!

Anyway, I really had better get to bed, I don?t want to be all tired and irritable again tomorrow.

I?m currently? watching coverage of the Isle of Wight Festival out of the corner of my eye and with the sound off. Music isn?t really up to much without sound.

Night! X

"Like Licking A Bruised Banana"

September 24, 2007

Thursday, 20 September 2007

02:10

Tomorrow, or more accurately today, is a ?No TV or Computer Day (but using the computer to listen to music, write things, edit photos, research photography courses, look for jobs, etc. is allowed)? I?m not looking forward to it, I admit. I mean to me it feels like it isn?t a day off, because yet again I have rules to stop me from enjoying myself, just like work. Like, I can?t lick mangoes, or jump on old people, or hit children that fart in my face. Nah, I?m not really like that, I?d jump on children, hit mangoes and lick old people, jeez.

Eww. It would be all wrinkly, like licking a bruised banana, but with added hair. Oh god, you should see some of the women that come in. I mean I know some of them are old and haven?t caught on with new technologies, but really, razor blades aren?t that difficult to get to grips with! I mean, if that?s too complicated, at least use knifes, or scissors, or even some kind of small grazing animal that can live on your face. If you greet a woman with more of a moustache than the biker guy behind her, then you know there?s a problem. How can you ignore it, how is it naturally possible to just glaze over it!

I mean that does go with all problems. I?m not trying to be horrible here, but if you do see someone with one leg, or abnormally pink skin, or hands that look like claws, or maybe all three, (effectively a flamingo) then you can?t help but stare at the problem in question. I mean, it?s human nature to look at things that are different to ?normal? life. I use the word normal in it?s least offensive state. Normal is how we were ?supposed? to look in God?s view. What he designed without all the flaws and problems that every one of us has. Basically nobody is normal.

I?ll tell you what I believe about God and Nature: Who we are, what we do and what we are like is exactly as nature intended. I mean, think about it, everything we do is natural. We have no other way of acting, it?s part of our brains. So as easy as it would be to say from other people in my circumstance, I don?t believe that God ?made a mistake? with me when choosing my birth sex. No. I think that God, or whatever overruling force there is, chose that I was to be seen as Transgender for a reason. Maybe if it were not for my transgenderism, I would keep a relatively conservative personality. I wouldn?t be who I actually am inside. I do feel like a woman inside yes, but it wouldn?t be me if I was born as a girl. That?s where nurture comes in. I?ve been nurtured as a boy, when I feel natural as a girl. This has made a unique personality, which is just me. I don?t know, I find it hard to explain, but I know the route I have to take is the route I honestly want to take. Maybe my destiny is to be a role-model for transgendered youth. There are desperately few good ones out there at the moment.

Anyway, tomorrow is ?No TV, Comp Day?, and as much as I?d like to stay up to make the most of this time online, I really am pretty sleepy.

Hey I just notice, when you initialise that name it comes up ?No TV/CD? Coincidence? Yep! But weird none the less. I hope this is not some kind of subliminal message from my parents trying to stop me being who I want to be! Again, I highly doubt it!

Ok, I?m currently? hearing a muffled sound of the radio being muffled further by the fan of my laptop. It?s not music on at the moment anyway, just some ads. I?m not missing much!

Night! X