Archive for November, 2008

With Friends Like These…

November 22, 2008

Saturday, 22 November 2008

00:26

It’s been a good week. The showing myself to my friend, Sarah, went well, very well in fact. I turned up at her door fairly early in the morning. (You can tell I was eager, ‘early in the morning’ isn’t usually in my vocabulary!). After about 15 minutes of awkwardness to begin with, understandably I think, I plucked up the courage and asked her if she wanted to see what I had. She then got very excited and had a look.

Unfortunately all I actually have is one blouse, one skirt, one pair of tights and an Alice in Wonderland costume. Not exactly an expansive wardrobe. I started off by showing her the costume, as I’d already told her about it and that I’d planned to wear it on Halloween if I could have got the night off. So I went upstairs, changed in her bedroom, put on my wig and went back down. It was a nervous moment, walking back into her living room, but I came in, she complimented me and I went over and hugged her. It was the best I could have hoped for really. She then mentioned makeup and ran up the stairs, I followed her and she then started to prettify me! She really did seem to be enjoying things by this point. After she’d done and I’d applied my own mascara, I looked back in the mirror and felt relieved that I looked ok. The last thing I wanted was to look bad for my first showing! I showed Sarah and she seemed so happy. She could not compliment me enough, telling me I look prettier than all of our female friends. I did not expect this much and did begin to go quite shy. If there’s one thing I can’t do well, it’s taking compliments.

After a while I got my camera out, after all I didn’t want to miss an opportunity like this. So I handed it to Sarah and we got shooting. Sarah was having a great time being let loose with my camera, while I was still finding it difficult to feel comfortable. I realised having your picture taken is a lot more embarrassing than taking them yourself!

She then let me try on some of her clothes in her wardrobe. She didn’t have loads, but there were some very pretty dresses in there. First of all I tried on some of the clothes she’d grown out of, and they were all pretty nice. A pink blouse with a pair of tight jeans seemed to work especially well. Shame they were still a little big for me though. The jeans were a couple of inches too long and the waist could have been a little smaller, but still I couldn’t exactly complain.

After getting through half of her wardrobe and taking pictures of each outfit I tried on, she then told me that I could actually keep some of the things she’d grown out of. I was unsure at first, more of places to hide them than actually whether I wanted them or not; of course I wanted them. She wouldn’t let me leave without them, she said, so I agreed and took a couple of outfits back home with me.

So yes, it was a good day, she didn’t care at all and said she’d love to do this again and go shopping with me once she’s got another job. Fantastic!

As well as that, through sheer luck I had a day to myself on Thursday. My parents were heading out for the day Christmas shopping in a nearby city. I took this as a great opportunity to put on my new outfits and get camera happy again.

As you can imagine I now have quite a few photos to upload, I haven’t even finished uploading the photos from August yet. I’ll do four tonight, instead of the usual two. That should get me nearly back on track!

So there we have it. In my books, that’s a pretty good week. Shame things in the future don’t look so nice. Back to work next week and then after that I’m starting on my nightshift. Bye-Bye social life, Bye-Bye Sun, Hello extra money!

Night! X

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Slow Or Go?

November 17, 2008

Monday, 17 November 2008

00:46

Nothing’s ever simple is it? Not just for me, for everyone. There’s always plenty going on to make life just that little bit more complicated. Some might say that that’s what makes life more interesting, and while I agree sometimes, other times too much can happen to one person.

I’m not going to pretend I am the worst off person in the world. I know there are people that would kill to be in my shoes, and I do honestly try to enjoy everything I’m given in life, but that doesn’t stop me complaining about things, ok?!

My Dad has been through some rough times recently. He’s busy at work, there’s the whole so-called ‘credit crunch’, he’s worried about whether it was a good idea to buy a second home to rent out at this time, and on top of that he’s got a son that wants to be his daughter. That kind of thing is going to have an affect on you, no matter who you are. My Dad has, for several months now, had a very painful, unforgiving headache. Of course we’ve been concerned about the whole fact that it may be very serious, but since recently going to a specialist we can thankfully rule out those situations. So, he’s stressed, and as long as I’ve known my Dad, I’ve not known him to get this bad.

I am of course feeling that in some way this may be my fault. I don’t think I’m all to blame, there’s a lot of other stuff going on for him that probably does have an affect on him, but I still feel a little responsible. I haven’t told him this yet, but I will not be able to stand improving my life whilst causing pain for another human being, especially my own father. That just shouts ‘wrong’ to me. How could I live my life knowing that someone’s hurting because of it? I can’t tell him that I’m never going to change, but I can delay it all a bit, just so my parents and friends can come to terms with it more. I know I should start whilst I’m still young, but I think it’s a sacrifice I’m willing to take if I can guarantee my family’s health.

So that’s a reason I may have to delay any kind of action I take regarding my transition.

But, wait, here’s a reason for me to get going with my transition…

Last night I drank. I drank a lot. What good can come of that, really?! Sure it’s all fun and games on the night, but little does my drunk self know of the consequences.

Sarah, one of my best friends that know about me, was out last night. There were a few others out, but as is usually the case, it ended up being just me and Sarah left as most other people had jobs to get up for the following day. I have a week’s holiday, so I didn’t care, and Sarah just walked out of her job the other day, so she didn’t care. Basically she drank, I drank, she drank some more, I drank and then drank again, etc. Sarah has, in the past, confessed that she fancies me, and upon me telling her the truth, she was just as interested, if not more so. It turns out she’s bisexual. So, when I’m with her, just the two of us, I can feel very comfortable, I know she see’s I’m a girl inside and that’s honestly how I feel when I’m with her. Basically I can be myself more around her.

If you honestly don’t see where this is going, I commend you on your innocence, but really, who are you fooling?!

Oh no, we didn’t get *that* far, you dirty minded….

Anyway. One thing led to another, bla, bla, bla, and suddenly she’s kissing me, tongues and all. And it happened a couple of times, because, apparently, all sense of the world around me had long ago made its way home. Sure it was fun, but now, there are consequences.

Do I find her attractive? I have to be honest with you, if she didn’t think that it’s hot I want to be a girl, I don’t think I would have even questioned whether I’m attracted to her or not, she’s that much of a friend. I don’t know really. But she treats me like a girl, and she’s even said that she wants to see me all dressed up and everything. On Tuesday, that’s right, technically tomorrow. I’m all for it, I want to show her who I am, but you’ve got to put yourself in my shoes here, this is so confusing. I could gather my stuff, go over there, show her the real me, take some more photos, maybe a video, and have a generally fantastic time, but where’s that going to leave things then. What consequences will come from that?

I guess I’m scared, I’m scared about life, I’m scared about change, which given my circumstance must seem a little odd. I think I should just go and do it. I won’t let things go too far between us if I don’t want it to. She has said to me that it’s in my hands now, if I want a relationship, it’s there for the taking. I guess I could just see what happens on Tuesday and not treat everything I do as a potentially life changing event.

I’m sure it will be great fun, I know there’s going to be transgendered people reading this thinking, ‘why am I even thinking twice about this’, and I guess I’m trying to tell myself that as well.

I will do it, and I should be back on here soon for an update. Wish me luck!

27th August (3)

27th August (4)

Night! X