Archive for June, 2009

Another Brick out of the Wall (Part 2)

June 28, 2009

Sunday, 28 June 2009


So much to write. Ok, so after the successful restaurant meal and successful sleep in the successful hotel, we successfully failed to get up early. Which isn’t all bad. We planned to go to Oxford Street to do a bit of shopping. I say we agreed, it was more me telling Sarah and her putting up with it. Considering she’s not really a fan of crowds, Oxford Street on a Saturday in the weekend of The Queen’s official birthday celebrations may not have been such a good idea. But I didn’t know it was going to be as bad as it was, and for that I apologise Sarah. But it was also a very daunting challenge for me as well. Everything that happened the day before was definitely making me feel more confident, but it didn’t really prepare me for the sheer mass of people that is Oxford Street on a Saturday.

I wore the same outfit I wore when I ventured out the first time the day before, as I did feel comfortable in it, and it was an outfit that seemed to allow me to pass. That is despite the fact I brought half my wardrobe. Pretty much a waste of time and effort looking back. Ah well.

But it was a pretty good day shopping all in all. I did buy quite a lot, not loads, but more than I would’ve bought sitting at home. A lot of it was accessories for the evening outfit I had planned, and I also bought a couple of pairs of shoes for kicks (not a pun). We had a meal at a nice little café/bar thing just off the main strip and it was really nice, all the while my confidence was building. I didn’t seem to be getting too many odd stares. I think my main problem was the fact I wasn’t smiling, or at least that’s what Sarah told me. I personally don’t think I look as passable when I smile. It’s sad I know, but I do think that. I love smiling as well, I spend at least two hours a day smiling. Not all at once that is, that would just be weird. Oh and that doesn’t count all the fake smiling that I have to provide when on a till at work. Anyway, once Sarah told me that, I did try to look a little bit more like I wasn’t planning my own death, and I still didn’t seem to get any funny looks, so that’s good.

My other problem was my voice. It just doesn’t work very well as a feminine voice. I tried, and I honestly don’t know if it worked or not, but I didn’t need to say anything much anyway. We did get attacked by two old women bearing flowers made of tissue paper and foil and asking for money. It was something about religion probably. But one of them tried talking to me and I really wasn’t having it. Sarah covered for me pretty well but when they asked for a few pounds I knew I didn’t have change, only notes, the smallest being a ten. So I said “ten” to Sarah as softly as I could, expecting change and didn’t get it. Daylight robbery I say. On the plus side though, they were very friendly after that, blessed us both and even gave us an extra tin foil tissue paper flower. Friggin’ extraordinary.

Anyway, the day shopping was great. The journey on the tube back, though, was not. In a scene similar to this, we were crammed into the carriages with little regard to personal space or even health. I figured if anyone was going to say anything or give me funny looks it would be in the intimacy of the tube, but no, I seemed to be alright. Sure it wasn’t comfortable, but that experience made me more confident again.

So I was feeling pretty good about going to the Way Out Club. I was a little nervous for some reason, but it was much overruled by excitement. I will post some pictures of me wearing the outfit I wore, but I haven’t taken any yet. I’ve got a couple from the night, but they’re not fantastic. I might post a couple of them. But not today, I have a lot of catching up to do in the photos respect.

We weren’t far away from the club, and thanks to Google Street View, the walk felt a lot like déjà vu. We got there, I got pretty drunk and we had a good night, unfortunately there’s not a whole lot to say about most of it. What I will say though, is that we met some people in there that actually live in the same city as me and Sarah, and not only that, they run a Trans night in a pub no more than 250 metres away from our flat. How weird is that?! It’s said a lot, but it’s a small world isn’t it?! So I’ll definitely be up for going there one coming Thursday. It’s just a shame that it’s a night that a lot of my friends already go out on, and the Trans night is only once every fortnight, so it might be a little difficult to get to. It’s also a little more daunting to go out in the city you live in dressed as the opposite sex. I, being the magnificently popular person I am, have lots of friends that live, work or socialise in the general area and I don’t really fancy them meeting me without them knowing it’s me. It should be alright though, because most of those friends are imaginary and I am about as far from being magnificently popular as a duck is from Uranus. (And please don’t try and make a bestiality joke out of that. I know I served it to you on a silver platter but it doesn’t mean you have to stick up there.)

Oh also, a couple of people at the club recognised me from here, Flickr or YouTube, which was quite nice. One girl even went as far to say that I was famous, but seen as she was only one of two people that recognised me, I will disregard that comment after the flattery has worn off.

So there we go. We had a great weekend, not a whole lot went wrong, and that whole cliff-hanger thing was a complete lie. I wish I had the time and energy to write about everything I did today, but lets just say this: If you live in the local area, you may see me in the paper tomorrow. *wink*

Now that’s a good note to end on. What could it be, what did I do?! Well you’ll just have to wait and see…

Night! X


Another Brick out of the Wall (Part 1)

June 17, 2009

Wednesday, 17 June 2009


What a week! I had a great birthday. Didn’t do a lot on the actual day, just had a few people stay over with a few drinks and everything. Was good, didn’t really plan for much else anyway.

For presents, I mostly got money from my family, in fact the only ‘solid’ presents were from Sarah, and I very much appreciate all of them. The main present was a beautiful white gold necklace which I absolutely love. I have very little jewellery. In fact that necklace is my jewellery collection in its entirety. Everything else I use is ‘borrowed’ from Sarah’s side of the bedroom. But that’s ok as Sarah doesn’t really wear any anyway.

So yes, on the Friday morning, with that necklace stashed safely away in my suitcase (along with at least half of my wardrobe) me and Sarah headed down to London for the weekend. I was feeling confident on the Friday morning and I felt that I was going to be able to go out in public dressed as Ella for the first time.

We got to the hotel without too much hassle and I, at that point, was still feeling ok about it. I started feeling like I was actually going to do this. So, for a dry run, Sarah and I planned to scout around the local area for a nice place to eat. So I chose an outfit that didn’t give too much away, put it on, did my makeup and popped on my wig. After much deliberating and annoying Sarah by saying “Do I look alright?” every ten seconds, I decided I was ready. I looked ok, but I still didn’t know if I was passable or not. Sarah insisted I was, but I remained uncertain. But still I went for it. We stepped outside our hotel room, walked our way down to the lobby and straight through to the street.

And now the tricky part. It was about 7pm or something on a Friday night, and because we were pretty much right in the middle of the financial district, there were a lot of people in business attire who’d clearly gone straight from work to the pub for a few ‘weekend welcoming’ drinks. I was a bag of nerves but I did my best to hide it. We walked straight past these people drinking outside the pub and I got my first reason to celebrate of the day. Nobody shouted any rude comments or stared at me peculiarly, or stabbed me with a fork, nothing like that. Not even stabbed with a fork! I was feeling good!

We headed our way through more busy streets and still nobody really raised an eyebrow. Well there were a few guys that looked at me, but Sarah insisted that they were checking me out, but I’m not so sure. I think I blatantly obviously looked like a guy dressed as a girl, but maybe that’s just because I know that that’s true, and I’m looking for that. I don’t know, but I still obviously wasn’t feeling wholly comfortable with the situation. It wasn’t just the looking female, it’s the whole walking the right way, how you hold your body and also, the voice. Now I’ve never really practiced any of those things, so talk about throwing me in the deep end. I mostly tried to stay silent, much to Sarah’s annoyance. I also decided to carry Sarah’s handbag as well as it seemed to give me a nice barrier to hide behind, also it gave me something to do with my hands.

Luckily I didn’t have to talk to anyone and soon enough we found a nice place to eat. A place called Bertorelli. I always love Italian food and despite the fact Sarah works in an Italian restaurant and avoids eating pasta like the plague, she let me go there. It was probably because of the paranoia induced panic attack I was having. No I’m kidding. I was nowhere near that bad. In fact by that time I was kind of enjoying it. To be honest I think I probably did pass ok to the glancing eye. It was the people supposedly checking me out that scared me. It did at times feel like everyone’s eyes were on me, trying to pick away at my attempts to blend in.

Actually, it was probably not a good idea to wear what I was wearing. It wasn’t exactly “blend-in-erific”. I had decided on a pair of girl jeans, which was fine, and a pair of flat black shoes, which was also fine. What was possibly less fine was the recently purchased multicoloured fitted blouse I was wearing that was a little too small for me, at least around the boobs department, if you get my drift. Basically the yellow t-shirt I wore underneath was necessary so that I didn’t show too much of my assets that I didn’t exactly have. The look was good, but maybe a little too good for the first time out in public when all you really want to do is blend in. Maybe I didn’t, maybe I wanted people to notice me. Maybe. So maybe I like a little attention…

But yes anyway. We made it back to the hotel fine. And pretty much straight away I started getting ready for the meal. I wanted to wear something else I’d bought recently, but Sarah thought a hot pink cocktail dress was a little too much for this place! So I just put on a knee length denim skirt and a stripy t-shirt and apparently that was sufficient.

It was as well, because when we turned up we were literally the best looking people there. We were also the only people there. I didn’t know if that was a good thing or not. I didn’t want to go to some independent restaurant because I didn’t want them fussing over us all the time, but I didn’t really want to go to a massive chain either because I would hate to have been sat in a room feeling like there’s a thousand and one eyes on me. (That’s five hundred people and a pirate).

But no, this place was empty. I mean completely. There was a waitress and a cook, and us two. That was pretty much it. I think I saw a moth at one point, but I could have been imagining it up for effect. You know what though, the food was fantastic. We didn’t have pasta at all, Sarah made me try veal for the first time. And to be honest I liked it. It was breaded though, and pretty much anything breaded tastes alright. But yes, we really really enjoyed the meal. Either they believed I was a girl, or they knew and they were being very polite with me. I can honestly say it was a fantastic meal though. It was a little expensive but it would be if you get starters and a bottle of wine too. I was very happy with it and would recommend it to anyone that’s doing the same kind of thing as I was that weekend. The only reason it was so quiet is because it is right smack in the middle of the financial sector and it was still a little early. The food was fantastic. Sarah agreed, and she knows these things, seriously go there. Go. Now.

So that was a great day. I had been hugely successful with being out as Ella in public for the first time and apparently not getting outed, and I had a great birthday meal with my girlfriend. It was a great start of the weekend until…. (dun, dun, derrrrr….) *

Now I am getting tired so I’m going to have to split this weekend entry up into a couple. I’ll hopefully be able to get on and finish my story in the next few days. I am slowly breaking down this masculine wall that I’ve hidden behind for years. Just wish I had a goddamn bulldozer!

Here’s a newish pic for your troubles…

*Cliff-hanger may or may not be real

Night! X

Good Times…

June 6, 2009

Saturday, 06 June 2009


I’ve been really busy lately. It’s all good stuff too. Last Sunday, I went up to Alton Towers, which if you haven’t heard, is a fairly decent theme park. Possibly the best one in the UK. Well I had a good day, although I did get pretty sick from Air (that’s the name of a ride, not the actual atmosphere). I have always been a little prone to motion sickness, but it seems to get worse as time goes on. The way things are going, by the time I’m 50 I’ll be throwing up when I lean forward for the TV remote.

But yeah, Alton Towers was great after I’d recovered. And that’s not all; I managed to top that on Thursday. Me, my girlfriend, and another couple headed up to Manchester and saw Oasis live, which was a-maz-ing. I’d only seen a couple of live bands before including Bon Jovi and *cough* S Club 7. But (fairly obviously) Oasis blew them out the water. It did have a few hiccups at the start though. During the first song, the whole stage lost power, and then during the second it went again. Turns out the generator blew out, so it took another 45 minutes or so for the techies to sort it. But once it did, it was the best live music I’d ever seen. We were pretty close to the stage as well; right in the front pit. I really am going to have to see more live bands in the future.

That isn’t all I’m up to this week either. It’s my birthday on the 10th June and to celebrate, I’m heading down to London with my girlfriend this coming weekend and going out as Ella hopefully all the time. I’ll be going to a TG club I’ve been to before. I’m not comfortable putting my exact location out on the internet for anyone to see, but if you’re out in London this coming Saturday in a TG bar you may see me! I have no idea what I’m wearing yet, but I’ve got plenty of choices now. I can’t seem to stop buying things, and I really should stop, money is more and more becoming a nasty issue.

I think I’m going to have to leave this one here. I keep getting sidetracked with the likes of YouTube and music. This isn’t good. I’ve not really been in a decent writing mood for a long time, but I do still really want to. I enjoy writing when I’m in the right frame of mind, but when you’re not it’s pretty tricky to think of subjects. And yet there is so much that should be going on in my life. I guess I could think of something completely irrelevant, but that would be like fishing in a barrel of fish only to find a toy space shuttle…

Oh I did see this male Britney impersonator on “America’s Got Talent” that looked pretty convincing and to be honest I’m a little jealous, but yeah hey, that’s why he’s on TV and I’m not. -EDIT: Just found out this was from last year’s show. Why is it the UK gets these shows a year late even if it’s our own programme format!? So anyway yes, sorry if you’ve already seen this about 20 times already-

I have to admit, I do get very jealous of a lot of women or crossdressers etc. that look better than me. It’s probably one of my worst traits. It doesn’t help that I’m a bit of a perfectionist as well. I always try to look the best I can, and when I still don’t look as good as some people it upsets me a bit, but that’s really something I’ve got to get over. If I can’t get the confidence in myself at all, I’ve got no hope! It’s just sometimes if I go out to clubs and see all these girls my age having a great time, and I’m feeling all ugly in my boy clothes, it can really get to me. And it has been getting worse. Recently, more often than not, I’ve been coming home really upset and physically in tears. It’s not really healthy. I think I talk about this quite a bit, and if I am repeating myself, I’m sorry, but it’s been on mind that much.

Having said that though, I am having a great time with Sarah and despite the weekly fits of tears I am the happiest I’ve ever been. Makes you think how bad I must have been before.

Well hey look I wrote a bit more. That’s what happens when you turn you music off and resist the urge of YouTube. Must…not…look….

***45 Minutes Later***

Damn it. It did it again. They should put some kind of warning up before you watch any videos on there. “We will not be held responsible for any viewers that never see the sun again”

Talking of YouTube…

***30 Minutes Later***

Argh, damnit. Talking of YouTube, my “Born a Girl” video has nearly broken the 200,000 viewers mark which I’m relatively impressed about. I may well think about uploading some more videos soon. I do still want to do one of me playing the keyboard, but because that requires me to practice, I probably won’t for a while. Maybe I’ll get something when I go out in London. Yeah, I’ll see what I can do…

Night! X