Archive for the ‘Family’ Category

The Doctor Will GIC You Now

September 23, 2012

Sunday, 23 September 2012


It’s funny how trains make me feel nervous every time I use them. The same way that I associate airports with holidays, I relate trains with importance. If I’m on a train I’m probably doing something that’s pretty memorable or different, going to a new place or meeting people I’ve never met before. This last time was no different.

I took the train down to the fine city of London for my visit to the Gender Clinic last Thursday. This time I had rung up the day before to be sure my appointment hadn’t been cancelled… again, which it hadn’t thankfully, so I was happy about that but at the same time quite scared. This time it was actually going to happen. It has been a long time coming, not all of it due to waiting list times, some of it was due to my unavailability as well, but finally the day was here. Have I built it up enough yet? I think so.

So I had an appointment with Dr. Stuart Lorimer. I hope he doesn’t mind me naming him, I really don’t see why he would. Well I guess he may do if I started saying I thought he was an asshole, but he absolutely was not akin to any kind of human orifice whatsoever. He’s a really nice guy. He immediately put me at ease, he was friendly, he listened, and I felt like I could really open up with him. The appointment was basically another assessment of my case, as my first one was now several years ago. He just wanted to know if anything had changed between now and then. So there were all of the sorts of questions you’d expect. When did it all start? Who have you told? How did they react? Those sorts of things. One thing I was scared of was that he’d be constantly judging me, trying to read my thoughts or something, but if he was doing that, he was doing it very subtly!

So that hour passed by pretty quickly. I actually came away from it being incredibly relieved and happy. It is always good to get something off your chest anyway, but when it’s something that’s been there for as long as you can remember, and they completely understand what I mean, it feels fantastic!

I have a second assessment in January, so until then it’s pretty much back to how it was for the moment. I made a decision from that meeting that I am going to have to talk straight with my parents pretty soon to see where we all stand on the matter now. It’s been out there a while, it’s been given the chance to sink in, so hopefully any rage or upset will have subsided, but we will see I guess. Hopefully it’s not the sort of thing that festers over time, but even if it is we should probably get it out sooner rather than later anyway.

Lastly, Dr. Lorimer suggested I start on Finasteride due to my rapidly retreating hairline. Pretty much all of the older males in my family have long since lost the vast majority of their hair so he’s suggesting I start Finasteride to combat it. I am greatly considering it, but would be curious to hear some stories from people that may have used it in the past or are on it currently. I know most people probably don’t want to hear that the girl they see in the pictures on here is having issues with Male Pattern Baldness but I want to be as honest as possible without shaming myself!

Also lastly and actually unrelated to my trip down London town, at work we have just started employing a whole host of new people. I mention this because, now I’m not 100% on this, but I think one of the new starters could be a transsexual woman. Now this affects me in a few ways. First of all, excellent, my employer is happy to accept this (not that they really have a choice) so that bodes well for me if I wished to stay if I transition. Secondly, excellent, I may have someone very close to home that I can talk about all this and not be worried of repercussions. Thirdly, how do I go about introducing myself to her whilst remaining ‘undercover’? And fourthly, what if she recognises me? Now normally I wouldn’t expect her to. I mean it’s not like I’m immediately recognisable to every transsexual in Britain because I do this blog and post a few flickr pictures. My ego isn’t that swollen…yet. But it’s just the way she’s been looking at me. I don’t know, there’s a sort of hidden knowledge in her eyes. Yes I’m probably being paranoid. But let me just do this…

If you are this woman and know who I am; Hi! Sorry I’ve not come and greeted you properly. I’m sure you’ll understand as to why. I would very much like to chat with you but for the moment could it just be from the comfort of respective computer chairs? So if you do know and you want a chat then leave me a comment (please don’t feel like you have to!). However if you don’t know me, then you won’t be here reading this and I’ll be speaking to literally nobody at all. Hell, you might not even be transsexual; I may have missed the mark completely. Either way, I hope you enjoy working with us and I truly hope that you don’t get any sort of ‘hate’ related issues. It’s not so much the staff I’m worried about, it’s the minority of rude customers I’d be more concerned about. They can be devastatingly offensive given the option.

Anyway, that is about it from me today. I feel I have said enough!

Song of the Moment: Photosynthesis by Frank Turner.


It’s not so much just this song it’s all of his stuff. I’ve only recently discovered him and I’m having a bit of a secret love affair with him. Don’t tell Sarah.

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Night! X


I Love You Nan

August 20, 2012

Monday 20th August 2012


I’m not entirely sure why I still type the precise time I start my blog entries, it’s not like I have multiple entries per day any more is it? Multiple entries in a year is quite the achievement these days. I guess it’s just force of habit. Or that I don’t like change…

Here I am again. For someone that really enjoys writing, this is too rare an occurrence. I think I’ve worked out why though. I’m ashamed. I’m ashamed I’ve not lived up to everything I promised myself when I was younger. Even if it were possible I’m not sure I could look my past self in the eyes now. I also feel the same for those of you that read this. A fair number of people have messaged me in the past telling me that I have been an influence on their decision to act on their feelings, and I feel that by not doing much myself I have lied to them. And I hate lying.

I should summarise what’s been going on since my last entry really, it’ll probably give you an indication as to why I’m feeling quite so down.

My Nan passed away last month. She was 97, which is a fantastic age to reach, but it doesn’t change the fact that she’s not here anymore. I have a few regrets from her passing. I wish I’d seen her more often, I wish I told her I loved her more than I did. Because I did. A lot. She didn’t know about me and I’m glad she didn’t. She was born into a very different world than I was and she would not have understood. It was better her not knowing.

Her passing has made a bit of an affect on me though. She was my last grandparent. It marks the end of an era. I am no longer a grandchild, only a child. There’s only the one generation above me now. Which means I should be thinking of beginning a generation below me doesn’t it? Well, children are something I’ve never really addressed on here before; in many ways I’ve not felt old enough up until now. But do I want kids? Yes. Not yet, but yes. The real question though, is do I want to be a Mother or a Father. It’s another question I don’t know the answer to.

If I had been born female I’d have been the happiest mother. As a male though, do I want my child to go through the issues of having a mother that used to be someone’s son? It’s a lot for kids to deal with, and as I always say I only want what is right for me as long as it isn’t wrong for someone else.

I guess these are issues that I can blurt out at the GIC next month. Yes, that’s right they moved my appointment back another month. Honestly I don’t mind, but I will start to mind if this coming appointment doesn’t materialize.

I am also currently off work ill. My girlfriend had a chest infection that was obviously so lovely she didn’t want to keep it all to herself. So now I’m basically housebound; walking anywhere further than the bathroom causes me to get very short of breath and dizzy. Sarah’s gone back to work today so I’m spending my alone time updating here.

So, now that I have all that out of my system, lets move onto better things.

I am currently in the market for a new wig. My hair was cut in a tragic planned appointment several months ago, and looking back at pictures before that I think my hair looked terrible in the state I kept it. I would love to grow it out and style it but as I’m still ‘undercover’ I can’t do that. So a new wig. I’ve looked around the internet for human hair wigs, and whilst everything about them appeals but the price, I’ve heard some people saying that a good synthetic wig is better. I’d just like to hear some opinions. Also some style options. I love the wig below, but apparently the website it is on is basically a scam site and many people have reported not receiving their goods and if they have, it being a less than stellar quality. So I’d like something like that on a reputable site.

This Isn't Me!

Also I’m now on tvChix. My username is EllaUK. If you’re interested in going out to a club somewhere local then by all means leave me a message, I’ll do my best to get back to you. I would love to go out at least once a month as Ella, but we’ll have to see.

Well, thanks for reading again, I’ll look at uploading some pictures later in the week. There’s still some from April I haven’t got up.

Night! X

Taking the Right Road

May 9, 2011

Monday, 9 May 2011


So, I was supposed to have an appointment at a nearby Mental Health Clinic on the 4th. It didn’t happen in the end, but not because I pulled out or anything. Rather ironically the doctor called in sick, so I got the receptionist ringing me in the morning telling me they had to rearrange an appointment. They have done so and I now have to wait again until the 15th June. I’m not too bothered about it to be honest. This whole thing is a ridiculously long process anyway so an extra month’s wait isn’t really that big of a deal.

I have been having doubts here and there about it all, but it inevitably comes back around to being what I want to do. I know it’s not a simple thing to do, but I also know I would always regret it forever more if I did nothing. That alone is reason enough.

Other than that not a whole lot of blog-worthy things have happened. I’m getting on at work, doing more than I’m being paid for and yet still being paid less than other people at my level thanks to turkey-gate the Christmas before last. Still hoping for a promotion, but at the same time looking around for more work, albeit not that thoroughly.

I still don’t really know what I want to do, job-wise. I still love writing, but I also never feel like it. I love playing the piano, but my keyboard stays stubbornly under the bed. The only job worthy skill I have is being adept in the use of computers, which would have been great fifteen years ago, but these days it’s kind of just expected of you.

I think what I really need is a bit of self discipline. I need to set aside time each day to do something productive that isn’t just cleaning and tidying. I say I should do this, but I sort of feel now that I probably won’t. I can barely make myself come on here to type this up; even now Family Guy is on and my right eye and ear is mostly focused on that.

My Mum always told me to not just let things happen. Don’t wait for things to come to you, you need to go out there and find them. Unfortunately up until this point in my life, I haven’t really gone out of my way all that much to be where I’m at today, so therefore I’ve never really learnt that lesson. I think it’s time I started to pay attention to some of the things my Mum told me when I was younger.

Oh yes, there was another thing to tell you all. I’ve had my hair cut. I have to be honest, it did need it, but if it were completely down to me I probably wouldn’t have cut it as short as it is now. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not short short. It can still pass for a female cut, but I have a family wedding to go to at the end of the month and I need to look smart for it. Fair enough it wasn’t really smart before, but I do miss the length.

There is a bit of a story behind my cut as well. It was actually two cuts. The first time I went to a unisex (although mainly female) salon and asked for a “shaggy style” cut to just over my ears and with a fringe. The hairdresser did not speak English very well. I walked out the salon with a fairly obvious ‘bob’ cut, and no fringe.

I thought it looked pretty good despite it being completely different to what I asked for. But it was patently obvious that it was a girls cut and the next few days I got quite a bit of playful teasing about it at work. I decided that, excuse the pun, my hair wasn’t exactly going to cut it with my family at the wedding, so I headed off to a men’s salon and got it done by someone that could speak my language and I came out with something resembling the description I’d requested when I walked in.

That is there-and-abouts the story of my hair. I am not unhappy with it, but I do miss how long it was before.

That is about all I have to say. I’ve just had a lovely week off work, so I’m feeling pretty chilled out all round. We haven’t really been out to do much as we have next to no money, but it was a good week in all.

Here’s my Song of the Moment and there’s also a couple more pictures from that last batch. Hopefully there’ll be some more new ones soon.


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Night! X

It’s On The Road

March 7, 2011

Monday, 7 February 2011


Just a few quick updates here:

My trip to the doctors was one of success. I’ve been referred to a nearby clinic and booked an appointment in for May. There is a two month waiting list even for this part, so it doesn’t exactly bode well for the rest of it, but I did anticipate this sort of thing. Sure going to be a whole lot of waiting around. All the same though, there’s not a lot I can do about that now, unless of course I get a nice little sum of money to do it all privately, but I’m not holding out for that.

In case any of you out there are looking to go through the same thing, the actual appointment with the doctor was easy enough. As I’d only just registered at the practice the doctor didn’t have my medical history files, so I basically had to tell him straight again. It now feels odd that at one point several years ago, telling the doctor how I felt was the scariest thing I’d thought I’d ever done! But this time it felt so much easier. I just came out and said it, and he didn’t even flinch. Not sure if it’s because I’m older, because I’m more confident, or just because I knew that doctors are just plainly not allowed to demean patient’s life choices and just give professional advice. I wasn’t even the first person he’d seen with this exact same problem. The only thing I did get a little worried about is that one of my friends mums works at that practice and I wasn’t sure if she’d be able to see my file or not, but I assume patient/doctor confidentiality does not extend to receptionists, so it should be fine.

Another good thing I’m doing at the moment is having some driving lessons, and they’re going well! I’ve had two lessons, and I feel a lot more confident already, learning all aspects in the art of the clutch. There’s not a whole lot I can say about it really. All the good driving lesson jokes have been done already. I genuinely couldn’t think of any new ones on the way to the hospital in the back of the ambulance.

I kid of course. That never happened, besides, the kind of speeds I go at mean I’m probably more likely to run someone over whilst walking anyway.

Ok, well that is pretty much all I had to say. I don’t have any new pictures this time I’m afraid. It is difficult to find the time to get glammed up so much recently. Too much work and sleep I guess.

Night! X

And So it Begins… again

February 1, 2011

Tuesday, 1 February 2011


It was close call this week. I was determined to get to the Doctors at some point this week. At one point I thought I was going have to wait for another week, and it was for the most ridiculous sounding, but valid, reason. At the beginning of the week I was ill and therefore housebound. It wasn’t anything terrible, we worked out that it must have been a dodgy pizza that I’d ordered for take-away. We had eaten some pork that was out of date by two days a couple of days before, but Sarah insisted that it wouldn’t have been her cooking that got me ill! All the same I felt terrible and was doing the usual ‘kneeling over the toilet’ routine that I tend to do when feeling sick.

So I was off work for two days, and getting the doctors would have been a task not worth attempting. Especially considering the one I was registered at was about a mile away and I can’t drive.

But thankfully towards the end of this week I got better. Not completely, but enough. So yesterday, with my day off, I decided to register myself at a more local doctor’s. And when I say local, well, I can practically see it from my window. It is literally about 100m away. I mean if I was Usain Bolt (and was not intimidated by dual carriageways) I could be there in under 10 seconds. I’m not sure that there’s any other way I can convey the fact that this place is in the very near vicinity. Seriously it’s close. Very.

Anyway yes, so I trudged over to the doctors, filled out all my relevant forms and got myself an appointment for next Monday. This is it, I’m starting again. It has been about 2-3 years since the first time I tried, and I hope that this time I can get the funding. I realise that funding is a difficult thing to get in my situation, especially as I’m not into the whole self-harming suicidal tendencies that some transgendered people are. Which I guess is fair enough. The people that are more likely to kill themselves should really have priority. So anyway, yes, I’ll let you know how that goes after next Monday. If it’s anything like last time, they’ll refer me to a nearby clinic and then I’ll see where it goes from there. That is as far as I got the first time around. I’m also hoping Sarah can come in with me to the second discussion. Sarah is feeling understandably worried about me looking at doing this again. As we are at the moment, I can mostly hide myself when around her parents, but if I go through with this they will have to know.

This really bothers me, I have to say. I think it was bad enough telling my parents about it, but involving a family other than mine and making it an issue there just seems plain rude. I also don’t think they’ll take it too well, in fact Sarah thinks that they may make her choose between me and them. I obviously do not want that situation at all. I wish there was an easier way than this.

Well I think I’ll wrap it up there. The only other thing I wanted to say was that I am hoping to learn to drive this month and rather thankfully my parents have said that they’ll pay for my lessons. I’ve been reluctant to do it up until now, but now that I’ve actually decided to go ahead and do it I’m quite excited about it!

The pictures I’m putting up are a few I can’t believe I never uploaded the first time around. They are from June last year, so not exactly recent, but I think they’re alright all the same! I also don’t have any new ones…

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Night! X

Moving on Up!

January 18, 2011

Tuesday, 18 January 2011


I am finding it increasingly difficult to come on here and write a new entry. It feels like the longer I wait between posts, the more meaningful I have to make it. But life isn’t like the movies, something amazing and life-changing doesn’t happen everyday. Well not stuff that is movie worthy anyway. It sort of feels like I’m wandering through my days with glazed eyes, and still I do nothing about it. I’m not saying I’m wasting my life, I don’t feel that way. But it sort of feels like I’m not doing everything I want to do with it. But is that really so weird? Can you honestly say that you are glad with everything that you do right now? There are certain facts to life that include doing things that we don’t always want to, just to please others.

This is not me giving in, by the way. The situation I’m in is a difficult one, but it is neither unique nor the worst that people can experience. It just feels like there is no correct way to solve it. When it comes down to your happiness against a group of others, the answer seems to be obvious to me. You always put the other people’s happiness above your own. When you put it like that it sounds simple, but then, can you live with the consequences of that rational decision? Probably not.

On the other hand, when the only two solutions that present themselves are to be selfish, or have a possible lifetime of dissatisfaction, the solution seems so obvious again, but this time being selfish seems like the way to go.

Essentially each solution has its own pros and cons, and quite frankly I am a terrible decision maker. Seriously, I have problems choosing what to have for breakfast. It does feel a little like being thrown into the deep-end as soon as you leave education. It’s like up until that point you have been given a guided tour down a narrow path, and soon as the path ends, you’re pushed into an expansive field with absolutely no indication as to which direction to go. Some kids know what they want to do as soon as they pop out the womb it seems, but when I was younger I only ever half-heartedly stated I wanted to be an artist. There was one point that I was set on being a fairground ride designer, but that’s mainly because I played too much RollerCoaster Tycoon! I enjoy all sorts of things, but I’ve never really liked something enough to want to do it professionally, nor have I really got the skills to anyway.

I guess my problem is that I have very little direction in my life. I need to set myself some solid life goals and actually make sure I achieve them.

Ok, in the next two weeks I will, will, go back to the doctors to begin me on that road again. I will also have a look out for some better looking jobs. Also, let’s see if I can take some more pictures, and not just of myself.

Speaking of pictures of myself, here’s a few I didn’t upload from the last batch!

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Time to break free.

Night! X

A Case of the Ever Creeping Guilt

September 14, 2010

Wednesday, 14 September 2010


I know my work situation isn’t exactly exhilarating to read about, but I just thought I’d mention: My manager has offered me the role of “Coach”. It basically revolves around me training up new members of staff and running the induction courses for new Christmas temps. This struck me as a little odd as I am currently under the effects of a written warning, and in that it states that I would not receive any pay rises, nor would I be able to be promoted within the company until a year after my ‘mishap’. So how exactly would that work? Would they just not pay me again (like last time) or would they rather ironically breach policy just to get me into the role that they now need. Are they going with the ‘because we say so’ bit of the policy that I failed to notice in the small print of my warning?

You might wonder why I’m so annoyed at being offered promotion. Well there certainly is a bitter taste in my mouth reminding of me the last time that I took a ‘promotion’. That is certainly playing an important part of it. I have just generally lost a lot of faith in the company as a whole and I really would like to get out it.

So I turned it down. Not only because of all the bitterness, but I just plain didn’t want to do it. It’s the kind of thing I’m not comfortable doing. I would not like to talk in front of a group of people, telling them what to do. It’s just not my thing. Don’t get me wrong, I probably could do it. And I would end up a lot more confident, but I just don’t want the hassle at the moment.

So after they’d offered me the job, they then offered it to a few other people, one of them being my girlfriend. My girlfriend, being a very different kind of person to me, would enjoy talking to a group of people like that and so she accepted the offer. She’s done well to get offered a promotion within a year of being there, it only took me about three! She doesn’t have the job yet. She still needs to be assessed and then if she passes that she gets sent for a day training course and then if she passes that, she’ll have the job. I have all my faith in her and I’m sure she’ll do just fine. After all, I managed all of that and just failed at the last hurdle a couple of years ago.

On a different note, getting the time to dress and put on make up is, these days, a little hard to come by. I’m not sure why exactly, but it really does seem like I ‘doll up’ less now than when I used to at home. Sure, everyday I still wear girls stuff to bed, and if I manage to drag myself away from the computer or TV when I get in from work I do get changed then, but I barely ever put make up on. I don’t know if that’s because I feel like I don’t need to anymore; Sarah sees me as I really am so it doesn’t seem as important. Or is it because I’m getting past a ‘phase’ in my life? That’s the usual logic for hearing a child is acting in a transgendered way, ‘It’s just a phase’. Well, is that happening to me, just a bit later?

It was recently my Dad’s birthday and I picked what I thought to be a really nice card. It said something like “Now that I’m finding my own way in life, I realise how glad I am to have had someone to show me the ropes”. It was something like that, with a picture of a man and a boy both wearing cowboy hats. Probably looks better than it sounds. I tend to avoid the ones that say “From Your Son” and I don’t really even contemplate sending him one saying “From Your Daughter”! I think that even though I have all of these feelings, he will always be my Dad and when I was a child, I was his boy, and I appreciate everything he’s ever done for me, even if it’s been showing me traditionally ‘male’ things. I just find it very hard to talk to him now. It’s not really awkward, but you can tell what he must be thinking about me, and it is both a relief and a pain knowing that he knows.

I guess what I’m trying to get at in a very roundabout way, is that I still feel guilty for who I am. I know it is wrong to think that way; you don’t need to tell me. “Do what you feel is right” and all that. Well, what if I don’t know what is right? A lot of people can’t see into the future, how do they know that what they are doing is right? What do I want to do with my life? What will make me happy? I want to be successful, I want a happy family, I want to enjoy every day of my life. I want all of these things, but I do nothing to reach them. I feel like right now my life is just sat in a box in my cupboard. Maybe not that bad, because I am very happy with Sarah. I guess I’m just feeling a bit low. I’m starting to think writing this in the early hours of the morning whilst I wait for the sun to rise was probably a bad idea. It’s being alone with my mind that gets me the most upset. Being tired doesn’t help either.

Basically I have doubts all the time about what I should be doing with my life. I don’t know the right way to turn. I know what I enjoy and I know what I hate, I’m just not sure I know myself. I’m finding it very difficult to say this, and right now I don’t think I will upload this, but I’m just saying it to get things off my chest. I know I sometimes seem like I know what I’m doing, but I really don’t. My life is up in the air and you know what the saddest thing of all is? I don’t feel any more like Ella than I did when I started this blog.

I’m sorry. This post got a little derailed by some unforeseen depression. I hope I can get back to you soon with a happier toned entry, but right now I just don’t feel like it.

Night. X

Best Blog-Post-About-Being-Suspended-From-Work-By-Someone-Named-Ella of the Decade…ever!

December 31, 2009

Thursday, 31 December 2009


Here we are, last day of the year. It’s been quite a big one for me. Year that is, not day. I could summarise everything that’s happened to me since this time last year, but a) I don’t remember, b) You could just read the few posts I’ve done this year if you were really interested, and c) Nobody really likes “End of the Year” clip show recap kind of things. I know this because right now every other show on TV and article on the internet is one. There’s all these awards going around I doubt there’s anything that doesn’t have an award, and even then they’d probably receive an award-less award or something.

It’s also worse this year because there’s “Best of the Decade” awards as well. Don’t get me wrong I do like some of them for introducing me to new things I may have missed, but there seems to be this constant desire to rank everything. And then you get the people that disagree with an order of ranking and kick up a fuss. For goodness sake people, just enjoy what you enjoy and stop trying to convert everyone to the same views you have. It’s as bad as religion.

Hmm, religion. Yeh, I’m not going to go there.

So anyway, I have recently been suspended from work. For something that wasn’t my fault I’d like to add. They told me I shouldn’t be telling anyone about this, so keep this quiet, internet. Basically I was suckered into breaking our rules without me realising. I won’t go into too much detail, just in case, but I was effectively set up, and the only thing I’m guilty of is being an idiot by not noticing it. An investigation into it is currently ongoing, but if my interview was anything to go by, I’ll find out the verdict in about May. I couldn’t quite believe that they could ask me enough questions to constitute the 4 ½ hours interview I had. Well in fact they didn’t. Most of the time was me sitting around waiting for the interviewer to come back and then ask me the same question again. It was a bit ridiculous. It also made me cry, which is the second or third time I’ve broken down crying in front of people at work. I’m just not a very strong person in confrontational situations, and can very easily be intimidated. Unfortunately me crying seemed to make them believe I may have a guilty conscience. Ah well, if it comes out at the end of this that I’m guilty I definitely won’t be leaving it at that, I’ll bring in the big boy lawyers to seek justice. Then I’ll find another job.

So apart from possibly being sacked, I’m not doing bad. I had a great Christmas. My parents are still not acknowledging my transgenderism at all, and still insist on getting me typically ‘boy’ presents. I do like some of it, but that’s not the point, it’s that they’re just pretending I’ve never told them that bugs me. Fortunately though, my girlfriend Sarah got me nothing but typically ‘girl’ presents. Some pink bootie slippers, a big box of Boots No.7 cosmetics and creams, and a beautiful ring amongst other things. My friend Laura also got me a really nice necklace and a pair of pink patterned socks. It’s been great, I’ve loved everything I got. I got a lot of fancy chocolate too; right now I’m eating some Cocoa Dusted Chocolate Truffles, sipping Champagne, and laughing patronisingly at the lower classes.

I’m kidding.

I am eating the truffles, but that’s because I’m hungry and it’s too late to cook anything, and a lot of the dusty cocoa is going down my top, so yeh, it’s not quite as grandiose as I led on.

That’s 6 down, 24 to go.

Om Nom Nom Nom.

The longer I’m here writing this the smaller that 24 will get and the bigger my tummy will get, along with the size of my regret tomorrow morning when I’m leaning over the toilet, sick from excessive chocolate consumption. Never had that to be honest.

Well, there’s a first time for everything

Om Nom Nom Nom.

It is getting a bit late. You can tell it quite easily if you’ve got the TV on. When the only thing on that you want to watch are music channels, you know it’s time for a kip.

Oh, I better just say, I’ve been messing around with the domain name, and it’s gone a bit funky, so if you use that to find me use this address for now(, I’ll see if I can get it fixed, but my domain maintenance skills are somewhat lacking. I’d also like to get myself a proper hosted webpage, but I don’t yet have the expendable cash for it and this is uninteresting!

Ok, I’ll leave it there, here’s a few pics, and my song of the moment. It’s not exactly Christmassy, I’m just loving it.

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Hope you had Happy Holidays and have a Great New Year.

Night! X

A Tour Of My Emotions

September 1, 2009

Tuesday, 1 September 2009


Ok so the newspaper thing turned out to be a lie as well, but I did honestly think I was going to be in there.

Hi, by the way. It’s been a while.

The reason I thought I was going to be in the paper a few…eons ago, is because I took part in a charity football match organised by people at work. I don’t normally play football. The last time I played football was probably college, and whilst I did quite enjoy it, I wasn’t particularly good. I’ve never really felt the desire to play it since then. I’d much prefer to play tennis, or, you know, do nothing. But yes, I was asked to do it, and I thought it sounded fun enough, until they came up with the “catch”: We all had to dress as women.

Now I wasn’t particularly sure whether I was really happy about the idea, or incredibly scared. It turned out to be the latter. I didn’t want to introduce the idea of me dressing as a girl with my colleagues, they do, after all, already see me as quite a camp kinda guy. I also didn’t really know how hard to try, whether to just have fun with it or go all out.

In the end I just kinda of thought; I always over-analyse everything, let’s just do it.

So I did. I didn’t really think about what I was going to wear until the night before the game, but I figured I should probably wear something of Sarah’s. I didn’t want it to fit too well. So I ended up with the same top I’m wearing in this photo, and on the bottom I had a denim miniskirt and fishnets. Maybe it was a little over the top, but I decided to not bother with a wig, make-up and boobs. That turned out to be the right choice, as became apparent when I turned up on the day.

Everyone else was wearing old women dresses. Some of them were wearing wigs, but they looked silly in them. There was one guy who looked like he’d tried really hard, with boobs, a wig and a young persons dress, and yet I still managed to feel like I stood out. I was accepted. I did, after all, look like a woman, which was the idea. But I felt I looked a bit too convincing. I got a lot of comments about my outfit. Mostly like “You slut” and things like that. A few people said I looked a little too good like it and that I should “watch it”. It wasn’t malicious or anything, so I took it as a compliment. Of sorts.

It turned out to be an ok day. It ended up just being awkward because the skirt was hard to run in and my legs were boiling under the fishnets, but it was quite good to be around the people I know, dressed as a girl and being accepted. It was nice to pretend that was reality.

So after I lost us the game we headed to a local pub still dressed as women and I had a few drinks with the guys and the other co-workers that came to watch. A couple of the girls seemed to be looking at me with something similar to jealousy and one guy said “I’d definitely do you” in a very sincere tone. A little unusual, but whatever, it was an unusual kind of day.

So, I figured we’d end up in the paper about it. There were a lot of people with cameras watching the game and, well, not a lot happens in our city, it would probably be front page news. I actually love reading the local paper, for a laugh and rarely anything else. There’s usually stories like “Man leaves front door open” and “Woman forgets her purse”, that sort of thing. I especially like the letters section as there’s frequently the same old guy writing in things like “I think racism is bad” and “The Beatles were great” They’re usually a bit longer than that, but seriously, there’s nothing else worth telling you. It’s like he’s starring himself in his own paper based Big Brother series or something. That’s the last thing we want, we’ve only just found out the TV series has finally been axed, any paper based spin-offs would only be good as fuel for a fire. A fire underneath an effigy of Davina McCall.

Wow sorry, I don’t mean that! (much). I just find her insanely annoying. Oh by the way, if you’re not from the UK and have never heard of her, keep it that way, do not look her up, don’t even be tempted. Claudia Winkleman too. *shivers*. There are worse people in the world, sure, but if they somehow found themselves off the air for all eternity, I would be happy.

Anyway, I should probably tell you that not a whole lot has changed in day to day life. Living with Sarah is great and it all feels so comfortable at the moment. Unfortunately that has stopped me from really pushing to get my life sorted. I have been questioning myself recently, just to make sure that I’m making the right decision, and my answer is always the same. Yes, I should be doing this. This is the right thing for me, I must push on. The right path is not always the easiest. I will get back to the doctors and sort it out. I will book my appointment for next week and get the ball rolling again. I know I’ve said it so many times, but I’m quite determined. Life may be easy at the moment, but it’s not the life I should be living anymore.

*          *          *

Ok, many days have passed now since I last added to this entry. Yes, this one is taking a while. My mind is flip-flopping all over the place. I just saw a video of Kim Petras, which if you’re even remotely acquainted with the transgender community, you will have heard of. Here it is.

Seen it? Good. Ok, I am not like that. I don’t know how she can be so certain at such an early age. I mean I did have thoughts like that at that kind of age, but I didn’t act on it. I knew it was different, it wasn’t really accepted generally, so I never said anything. Even if I did, like Kim did, then my parents wouldn’t have been as easy as hers are. But I’m just wondering; is it just my lack of confidence and inability to tell people how I feel the reason I never said anything, or was it not that big of a deal back then for me? If I’d have had the freedom she did, would I now be in the same situation as her? I know that if I was given the choice by my parents, I would have said “girl”, no doubt. But things have changed now. My parents don’t really accept it, and I really don’t like putting them through it; it’s not exactly good for their health. My sister doesn’t even know yet. I mean, seriously, compared to Kim Petras, my life is a bit of a shambles. Even at my age, it’s kind of too late. Sure I can still go through with it, but it won’t be as easy.

I’m sorry, this is beginning to be quite a depressing kind of entry. Sorry it’s gone on so long, but I just had to say these things, get them off my chest. I hope I don’t upset any of you out there. It’s just how I’m feeling at the moment and I’m sure my next entry will be a lot more confident and positive. Stay strong, chin up. I will try to do the same.

Night! X

Moving On Out, Time To Break Free…

March 23, 2009

Sunday, 22 March 2009


So ok, my entries are getting more and more infrequent, but hopefully that will change soon.

I have moved forward a lot since I last updated you. Me and Sarah have been looking for flats to move out into and last week, we found a great one. It’s a one bedroom ground floor apartment with a lovely view of a grass roundabout. It really isn’t too bad even if it sounds it, and hey, it’s probably one of the only views in the city that actually has greenery. It wasn’t massive but it doesn’t need to be and we both liked it from the start, so, we registered our interest with the estate agents and put down a reservation fee, filled out some forms and they’ll be getting back to us in the next few days to let us know if our background checks come up clean.

You may think this is all going a bit quickly and, in usual circumstances I guess it is. We have, after all, only been together for about 3 months. But we had talked about moving out before we even got together and we both really want this so we figured we’d just go for it. If it doesn’t work yet, then so what, at least we tried it. It’s not the end of the world; I don’t think my parents are going to be renting out my room that quickly! But the truth is I think we do work really well as a couple and we shouldn’t have too many problems. Unconventional? Sure, but we like it that way!

Obviously I’m quite excited about moving out. It opens a lot of doors that were firmly sealed at home with my family. We can be ourselves and live for ourselves when we have our own place, and if this all works out with this flat, we could be moving in in a week or so. ‘A week or so’ can’t come too soon for me!

Apart from that I should let you know about the skiing holiday I had. It was fantastic. The views were amazing, the place was amazing, it was a break I really needed. What I did not need however was the twisted knee I got from the first day of skiing. I can’t really say it wasn’t my own fault, but I will anyway… This kid darted in front of me so I had to turn quickly and go off piste. Unfortunately that particular patch had some rather nasty bumps which caused me to lose control and the next thing I knew I was coming to a stop in a rather awkward position next to some random foreign skiers. My Dad came over and helped me up and whilst my knee was a bit stiff, it didn’t feel like any lasting damage had occurred. This could well have been true because the next fall about 20 metres down the slope was probably the one that did the damage. It wasn’t even dramatic, it was slow and awkward, like a seal trying to ski. I just fell awkwardly again and then my knee just couldn’t take my weight very well. I did manage to ski back to the chalet without falling again, but I had to miss a day of skiing afterwards to try and recover. Thankfully I did, and the rest of the holiday went by without a hitch.

It was fine until recently when I went back to work. I have to lift quite a lot of wine at work and since my knee was hurting, I was bending it less to pick things up and because of that I’ve now done my back in a bit. I feel like I’m falling apart here! What’s going on! I have been getting slowly better again, but it’s still not quite right.

So yes, there you go, you’re all up to date now. Hopefully I’ll be able to be a lot more active on here once I move out, more entries, more pictures, maybe another video, I don’t know. We’ll see. I do have a lot of ideas going through my mind about what I could do, so hopefully some of them can actually happen when there are no prying eyes watching.

Instead of new pictures of me, here’s a few of my holiday.

Sorry, did I just hear a collective sigh of disappointment? Live with it.

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Night! X