Archive for September, 2009

A Tour Of My Emotions

September 1, 2009

Tuesday, 1 September 2009


Ok so the newspaper thing turned out to be a lie as well, but I did honestly think I was going to be in there.

Hi, by the way. It’s been a while.

The reason I thought I was going to be in the paper a few…eons ago, is because I took part in a charity football match organised by people at work. I don’t normally play football. The last time I played football was probably college, and whilst I did quite enjoy it, I wasn’t particularly good. I’ve never really felt the desire to play it since then. I’d much prefer to play tennis, or, you know, do nothing. But yes, I was asked to do it, and I thought it sounded fun enough, until they came up with the “catch”: We all had to dress as women.

Now I wasn’t particularly sure whether I was really happy about the idea, or incredibly scared. It turned out to be the latter. I didn’t want to introduce the idea of me dressing as a girl with my colleagues, they do, after all, already see me as quite a camp kinda guy. I also didn’t really know how hard to try, whether to just have fun with it or go all out.

In the end I just kinda of thought; I always over-analyse everything, let’s just do it.

So I did. I didn’t really think about what I was going to wear until the night before the game, but I figured I should probably wear something of Sarah’s. I didn’t want it to fit too well. So I ended up with the same top I’m wearing in this photo, and on the bottom I had a denim miniskirt and fishnets. Maybe it was a little over the top, but I decided to not bother with a wig, make-up and boobs. That turned out to be the right choice, as became apparent when I turned up on the day.

Everyone else was wearing old women dresses. Some of them were wearing wigs, but they looked silly in them. There was one guy who looked like he’d tried really hard, with boobs, a wig and a young persons dress, and yet I still managed to feel like I stood out. I was accepted. I did, after all, look like a woman, which was the idea. But I felt I looked a bit too convincing. I got a lot of comments about my outfit. Mostly like “You slut” and things like that. A few people said I looked a little too good like it and that I should “watch it”. It wasn’t malicious or anything, so I took it as a compliment. Of sorts.

It turned out to be an ok day. It ended up just being awkward because the skirt was hard to run in and my legs were boiling under the fishnets, but it was quite good to be around the people I know, dressed as a girl and being accepted. It was nice to pretend that was reality.

So after I lost us the game we headed to a local pub still dressed as women and I had a few drinks with the guys and the other co-workers that came to watch. A couple of the girls seemed to be looking at me with something similar to jealousy and one guy said “I’d definitely do you” in a very sincere tone. A little unusual, but whatever, it was an unusual kind of day.

So, I figured we’d end up in the paper about it. There were a lot of people with cameras watching the game and, well, not a lot happens in our city, it would probably be front page news. I actually love reading the local paper, for a laugh and rarely anything else. There’s usually stories like “Man leaves front door open” and “Woman forgets her purse”, that sort of thing. I especially like the letters section as there’s frequently the same old guy writing in things like “I think racism is bad” and “The Beatles were great” They’re usually a bit longer than that, but seriously, there’s nothing else worth telling you. It’s like he’s starring himself in his own paper based Big Brother series or something. That’s the last thing we want, we’ve only just found out the TV series has finally been axed, any paper based spin-offs would only be good as fuel for a fire. A fire underneath an effigy of Davina McCall.

Wow sorry, I don’t mean that! (much). I just find her insanely annoying. Oh by the way, if you’re not from the UK and have never heard of her, keep it that way, do not look her up, don’t even be tempted. Claudia Winkleman too. *shivers*. There are worse people in the world, sure, but if they somehow found themselves off the air for all eternity, I would be happy.

Anyway, I should probably tell you that not a whole lot has changed in day to day life. Living with Sarah is great and it all feels so comfortable at the moment. Unfortunately that has stopped me from really pushing to get my life sorted. I have been questioning myself recently, just to make sure that I’m making the right decision, and my answer is always the same. Yes, I should be doing this. This is the right thing for me, I must push on. The right path is not always the easiest. I will get back to the doctors and sort it out. I will book my appointment for next week and get the ball rolling again. I know I’ve said it so many times, but I’m quite determined. Life may be easy at the moment, but it’s not the life I should be living anymore.

*          *          *

Ok, many days have passed now since I last added to this entry. Yes, this one is taking a while. My mind is flip-flopping all over the place. I just saw a video of Kim Petras, which if you’re even remotely acquainted with the transgender community, you will have heard of. Here it is.

Seen it? Good. Ok, I am not like that. I don’t know how she can be so certain at such an early age. I mean I did have thoughts like that at that kind of age, but I didn’t act on it. I knew it was different, it wasn’t really accepted generally, so I never said anything. Even if I did, like Kim did, then my parents wouldn’t have been as easy as hers are. But I’m just wondering; is it just my lack of confidence and inability to tell people how I feel the reason I never said anything, or was it not that big of a deal back then for me? If I’d have had the freedom she did, would I now be in the same situation as her? I know that if I was given the choice by my parents, I would have said “girl”, no doubt. But things have changed now. My parents don’t really accept it, and I really don’t like putting them through it; it’s not exactly good for their health. My sister doesn’t even know yet. I mean, seriously, compared to Kim Petras, my life is a bit of a shambles. Even at my age, it’s kind of too late. Sure I can still go through with it, but it won’t be as easy.

I’m sorry, this is beginning to be quite a depressing kind of entry. Sorry it’s gone on so long, but I just had to say these things, get them off my chest. I hope I don’t upset any of you out there. It’s just how I’m feeling at the moment and I’m sure my next entry will be a lot more confident and positive. Stay strong, chin up. I will try to do the same.

Night! X