Archive for February, 2008

Social Life 2 : The Return Of The Social Life

February 27, 2008

Wednesday, 27 February 2008

00:49

I feel annoyed at myself for not having the time or commitment currently to keep this up to date daily. I have had fairly good reasons for the past two nights, but anytime before that, just pure laziness. I guess it’s good to take a break occasionally, helps keep my writing fresh. I do love writing, maybe my favourite pastime, but you can get too much of a good thing.

The skiing holiday that I was supposed to be going on with Dad seems to have fallen to pieces because the places that aren’t fully booked are either extortionate or have no snow, and that is kinda vital for skiing. I’m not really sure how I feel about this, I would like to try new things and I would like to see more of the world, but I’m just so god darn scared! I guess that’s all part of the thrill. I was supposed to go on a skiing trip with my school six years ago, but I felt the same back then, and contracted some form of gastroenteritis. At the time I felt lucky that I had an excuse not to go, but now looking back I feel that if I’d have gone then, I’d have had the confidence to do it now. Ah well, as it turns out it probably won’t be left up to me anyway.

I am two days into my two weeks off currently, and I am pleased that I’ve managed to get out with friends both nights. That pattern looks to continue for the rest of the week as well with things planned for everyday until Saturday. But if you’ve read my diary at all before, you’ll know that only half of those will come to fruition.

I do like going out and I really like not having work, that kinda goes without saying (but I said it anyway), but I have to say, having more time to myself to think and everything has proved to me that bugger all goes on in my life apart from my job. Without that I’m actually nothing. If anyone has read/watched “About A Boy” I feel like Will, the only difference being I have a job. But let’s be honest, it’s not much to shout about anyway. I can do better, I know I can, but I really don’t know what doing. I do enjoy writing, but I do sometimes feel uneasy about writing something that I know quite a few people will be reading, that being another of the reasons I haven’t added to my diary much recently.

I want to be more confident, of course I do! But I just can’t manage it. I have a huge problem with it, whether it be my appearance or just my writing, I have problems feeling happy and confident with most things in my life. I’m not for a second going to pin all of this on me being transgender, but it certainly has some factor in it. Without making any real physical changes I have become more confident over the past few months just because of my job and my increasing self acceptance. I know more who I am, what I want and how I feel now. I just hope that I can get more and more confident as time passes.

I’m going to leave it there for tonight, I really hope I can make it back on here soon, I do enjoy doing this. Oh, and enjoy a ‘new’ picture. A better word would probably be ‘unreleased’ because this picture is from my last January batch.

 Deep Thought

Night! X

Thank You

February 22, 2008

Thursday, 21 February 2008

23:53

Even though my parents aren’t really accepting, and my friends are less accepting than I would hope, I have to say, I have been very moved by the supportive and helpful comments messaged to me over the internet from relative strangers. Really this is all I wanted to say; Thank you to everyone who has done that. I feel bad about not having the time to reply to each person individually, but I hope you can take this as just a general all-round thank you. Every one of your messages is read and I listen to a lot of the advice I’m given. Obviously it does eventually just come down to me, but without you guys and girls out there on the internet, selflessly helping others, I really don’t know how I’d get by.

Thank You! X

Mother’s Words

February 18, 2008

Monday, 18 February 2008

00:56

Mum, you’re killing me here. Today me and Mum were in the car alone and she decided to talk to me again about my feelings. She said to me “So you still want a sex change then?” in the bluntest way I’d ever heard. I said yes. She then said “Can you please wait until we die before doing it?” and that just completely told me exactly how they feel about it. They don’t care about my well being, whether I will get by ok, or at least they don’t care about it as much as how embarrassing it will be for them. She’s ashamed of me, she thinks that I’m a freak, I’m crazy. Of course she does, she doesn’t know anything about how I’m feeling and I’ve got to get to the doctors and bring her along, to help her understand. I don’t know whether she’ll budge though, she’s pretty much set in her ways; it will be hard to convince her of different ways of life, let’s just say that.

She then said “I would rather you come home tonight and say ‘What was I thinking’ instead of us winning the lottery”. Oh thanks, so it’s not for me to be happy any more, it’s for me to decide that actually their way is best, like it always is. Maybe what I’m feeling is myself screaming to get out mixed with my own feelings of rebellion against my parents. Every child has it, well the rebellion part at least.

“I love you as my son,” Was another of her ‘genius’ morale boosting remarks. Mum!! You are not helping at all, why can’t you see that. I’m starting to think that maybe if I was suicidal, I wouldn’t be going through this trauma. She’d lay off me a bit, realise how important this is to me, and she’d need to come around to my thinking. Just because I’m not suicidal doesn’t mean I’m not serious about it. It’s kind of the opposite. Because I haven’t tried to kill myself, it shows that I believe I will be able to live a happy and fulfilling life as the woman I feel inside. If, and I mean if, I was told that I couldn’t live the rest of my life as a woman, ever, then maybe I’d be more inclined to self harm, but even then I’d still be able to appreciate the beauty the world can offer and I still would see enough reason to live.

Well there’s that part of my life getting worse by the day it seems. My parents knowing is still the best thing that has happened to me in recent years, just because I can open up to them if need be and they will now hopefully offer me a little more me-time without the follow-up questions.

At work, I’m halfway through my nearly two week non-stop marathon, just five more days until I finally get a day off. Then, after just one more four hour shift I will have a whole two weeks holiday. The first week I can hopefully meet up with friends and go out and have a much needed ‘blow some steam’ session. (That was not a sexual innuendo). The second it looks ever more likely that I’ll be going skiing with Dad. Maybe fun, but right now I’m feeling very nervous about it all. It’s a whole new experience and I don’t want to make a fool of myself, or accidentally fall off a mountain…or purposefully fall off a mountain, falling off a mountain whether to my knowledge or not can never be a good thing.

I guess I should get some sleep.

Night! X

Get Out There, Me!

February 14, 2008

Thursday, 14 February 2008

00:59

I feel like my life is passing me by right now. There’s so much I want to do, but I just don’t seem to have the drive to do it. I’ve had texts off a few friends recently and I’ve just not replied at all. I can’t really understand why. I guess it’s because I know that nothing will come from it really. I can’t meet up with them for god knows how long. The way things have fallen at work is that I don’t have a day off for nine more days. Ok I bet there’s people out there that are saying “Peeh, Nine days?! Try doing 30!” I guess I should be thankful I have a job at all, and that’s a lot money coming my way. I will be missing one of my friends birthdays and countless other meeting up times. I thought these new hours would be better for me, but I think I preferred it with longer days and only 4 days a week. This feels a lot more demanding.

Oh hey, would you look at that, it’s Valentine’s Day. Whether this is an over-commercialised Saint Day, or whether I’m just being cynical again, this is still a terrible day if you’re single. I guess I shouldn’t let it get to me. Looking back on last years entry, I was feeling pretty much the same thing. Loneliness, life is passing me by, all that palaver. I wish I just knew what it is that’s stopping me getting out there and doing things like most 20 year olds would. Am I lacking self confidence, or am I using that as an excuse? I wish there was just a switch on the side of me that I could turn to ‘Get Out There, Ya Fool!’. Currently it’s on ‘Stay Inside, Eat A Sweet, Write About How Bad Your Life Is On An Online Diary That Is Losing Quality At The Same Rate This Sentence Is Growing’. It would have to in be small writing.

I apparently can’t even be bothered to write any more either. Gotta snap out of this soon.

Night! X

Dreaming…

February 12, 2008

Monday, 11 February 2008

23:47

Well look, I’ve been able to come on again, isn’t this grand!

My parents took an early night, my Mum because she was tired and my Dad because he has to go to London tomorrow on a business trip. Also my sister is off school tomorrow, but she’s going down town with friends, so there is there remote possibility of dressing time.

I realise how silly this sounds. I can dress anyway I want in day to day life, there’s nothing stopping me, my parents can’t stop me and neither can friends. So why don’t I start dressing as a girl everyday? Why? Well first off I haven’t told some people close to me that would need to know, but apart from that, I’m not sure. I want to do it, but when it actually comes to doing it, I can’t see it at the moment. I can see that happening when I move out and that is the main reason for my desire to fly the nest.

This is where money is an issue, like it always is. It seems like no matter what troubles you have there’s always the issue of money hanging around. I guess I have enough to get me by for the moment. My job pays ok, but I don’t see myself there forever, or at least I don’t want to see myself there forever. I do wish to become something more than just a sales assistant.

Well I’m not sure if I’ve mentioned this before, but they are talking about making more of me. There want me to be a ‘supervisor’ and maybe even the store ‘wine specialist’. That… makes it sound a lot better than it really is. It’s not the going-to-France-and-drinking-wine type specialist, it’s more of the read-an-idiots-guide-to-wine kind of deal. Yeah, but at least it’s a start right?! Would love to be able to make my own wine someday…when I live in California…and when I’m a novel writer or script writer…and when I have a fantastic loving husband…and a view from my room of the San Francisco Bay…

Hmmm, I’m dreaming again. That kind of lifestyle is a long way away, but it could be some kind of target. Something a little more realistic would probably be better; I want to actually reach my life targets!

I think I’ll get to sleep now, and continue that dream.

Night! X

Fe/Male

February 11, 2008

Monday, 11 February 2008

00:57

Well it’s been a while since I added to my diary on here, and there are plenty of good reasons for it. First off my new computer served as a fantastic side-tracking device, so I was fiddling with that a lot of the time. I’ve also come to the realisation that sleep is an extremely good thing. Since I’ve been having earlier nights, I’ve been a lot more productive at work and I’ve been feeling more generally confident. Coming with this realisation was the problem of not being able to write my diary. I would write this during the day, but diary entries are very personal, and in my opinion are a lot easier to share with the world than people close to me. My parents know about me, yes, my sister does not and my parents don’t want to tell her…yet. I don’t personally see the problem with it, she is 15 and would probably be ok with it when she realises that I’ll be the same person on the inside. I’ll still be happy and jokey and fun, the difference will be that I won’t be hiding anything behind the humour.

So yes, I’ve had problems getting on here. So why am I here now, when it’s past 1am in the morning and with work tomorrow?! Well it’s because I need this diary. I’ve said it before, but this does serve as the perfect vent for all my feelings and emotions to flow out. I have no one to talk to and every day my parents seem to be less on board. I don’t think that they were ever actually on board, but they’ve just got further away still, to keep up this metaphor, they are there with their megaphones shouting at me to stop on this crazy voyage that I so insist on partaking in.

Mum is the worst; constantly making comments about my hair being too long, or saying things like “I wonder if you’ll bald like your father when you’re older”. Yeh, thanks for that Mum, you’re such a great confidence builder aren’t you? Give me more things to worry about please!

I do get back at her sometimes though, but coded so my sister doesn’t completely understand. Recently because of the purchase of this very fine computing machine I’ve been able to ‘pass down’ my laptop to my sister. My sister was, well, ecstatic at the thought of having my laptop in her room and she did seem as excited as I was when mine came. But a few days after the delivery my Mum was going on about all these ‘flashy gizmos’ and ‘stuff’, feigning a lack of knowledge of real computer terms. She then said to my sister “Why is it always boys that like all these flashy gadgets?”. She asked my sister but I know it was a slight stab at me. My sister said nothing, just shrugged like most 15 year olds who don’t give two dumplings. I then said, “Just boys you say?! Well ok I’ll keep that laptop of mine to myself then, Jo’s a girl so she doesn’t need it!” My sister then got more involved and started saying how much she wanted it. I looked at my rather defeated Mum with a slight grin signifying a rare victory.

I do genuinely hate male and female stereotypes. Even though I do consider myself female on the inside, I do still do some ‘traditionally male’ things, but if I was born a girl no one would even bat an eyelid. People will try and dissuade me from doing what I’m doing because of these activities, but I truly know who I am inside and I enjoy what I enjoy. Live and let live.

As you may have gathered, I do still have a lot to say, even though I haven’t been writing on here, and hopefully this post signifies the return of my diary. As with my feelings of gender stereotypes emitted from this post, I will give you a photo I took in January. I call it Fe/Male.

Fe/Male

Night! X

New Computer Arrives…

February 1, 2008

Friday, 01 February 2008

02:18

As far as my new computer goes, the first phrase that comes to mind is “Oh…my…god!”, and that isn’t the bad one, it’s the Janice-esque one from Friends. Ok, first off I’m going to get the bad stuff out of the way. I didn’t get exactly what I ordered, I got a slightly worse set up. But that should get sorted.

The good news? Well this PC is unbelievable. It runs ten times faster than my laptop and it’s running on Vista, which apparently makes everything slower. I’ve tried some games on there and they run like a dream and look fantastic. I cannot fault the actual computer at all yet. It’s just the company I bought it from that’s the problem. *cough* Dell *cough*. No they are ok at what they do, but I’ve had two computers from them, and both of them came with at least one thing wrong. It’s annoying more than anything else, when I do spend a lot of money on something, I want it to work!

Unfortunately I can’t yet get on the internet with it, and this here laptop that I’m writing on will be making its new home in my sisters bedroom soon, so it’s likely that I won’t be able to get on here to update my diary until the wireless thingy I need is delivered. Maybe a week, I don’t know.

As good as this computer is, I can’t help but think that I got this because I’m feeling upset with my life and I needed something to escape into. Maybe that’s the case, but even when I do get my life more on track I will still be able to use this super machine for general things. In a few years this ‘super machine’ will no doubt become an average machine as technology just keeps getting better and more silly. You know I really wouldn’t mind if technology just slowed itself down for a few years so I can get the most out of this machine. Damn inventors always inventing new inventions. What craziness!

Anyway, must dash, spent too long messing with my new computer.

Night! X