Archive for November, 2007

Could Have Been So Much Worse…

November 30, 2007

Friday, 30 November 2007

01:32

Today was set to be another day off work in which I just do nothing, and then in the evening wish that I had. Well I decided to buck that trend today, so at about half three I went out on my bike with my new expensive camera to see if there was anything in the local area worth taking pictures off.

I wasn’t feeling particularly inspired so I went off in a random direction to places I’d never been before.

I eventually ended up at the top of a hill with a fantastic view of the city, unfortunately it was in a rather dodgy estate. Nevertheless I found an interesting alleyway up there and got my camera out. I started taking a few pictures of things around, not really taking any good ones, but learning about the options on my camera all the time. Anyway, without me hearing, someone came up behind me on his bike, gave me an odd look, and then cycled on past. I was a little worried at my situation. Here I was, off my bike, with an expensive camera, in an alleyway with nobody around what-so-ever, and this kid that just cycled past was probably about 17, had his hooded top up over his head, and looked generally unfriendly. I felt quite relieved that he passed without trouble, but then saw that him cycling down this alley actually made quite a good picture, so I looked at it through my viewfinder. I realised that it was really too dark to take it, but at that point, he’d looked back to see me pointing the camera at him. I immediately tried to look interested in something else, but he’d clocked me, and started cycling back towards me.

At this moment I was feeling very scared. He could do anything right now. He could beat me up, take my camera, stab me, anything, so I put my camera safely away again, and smiled at him as him came up to me. Not in a mean way, or anything, just acting friendly, as if nothing was wrong. He then said “Did you take a picture of me?”. I said I didn’t, which was true. He didn’t buy it so asked again, more angrily, and then asked why I just happened to be down this alley taking photos as he came past. To that I just said that I was here first, you came by me. I realised that arguing with him was not the way to go. He was taller than me and he seemed like a guy that wouldn’t step out of a fight. So I just said, “I haven’t taken a photo, I promise, Sorry,”. For some reason (possibly because he was late for wherever he was heading) he let it go. He just cycled off again. I feel ashamed with myself that I had to beg him and apologise for nothing in particular, but I prefer that to being stabbed.

As soon as he started off, I quickly got my stuff together and cycled in the opposite direction without looking back. During that whole event I couldn’t help but remember the time I was mugged when I was at uni, and that’s probably why I was quite paranoid about what might happen with this guy.

The time I was mugged before two guys came up behind me and my friend and threw me to the floor whilst my friend was chased. It was then that I was threatened with a knife and told to hand over my wallet. For some reason at that time, whether it be the alcohol I had earlier in the night or not, I fought back, and I actually managed to free myself from his grasp. During this time I’d like to add that we were actually just outside our dorms, and also a lot of the other uni students, and they were all just walking past us as if nothing was wrong. I couldn’t believe that at the time.

Anyway, I freed myself and ran over towards my friend who had been taken to the ground too. I, just out of instinct, threw a punch at the other guy. I missed, there was a bit of a struggle again and in the end the muggers had to literally rip my wallet from my pocket. They ran off and I followed them for a bit, but I realised it was fruitless. They were away, and even if I did catch up with them, then what?

So that event could well have happened again today if the hoody kid that past me had been with others. I’m sure it was only because he was on his own that he did nothing. I guess though, without that kind of evidence I have nothing to suggest that he was nothing more than a passer-by that didn’t want his photo taken.

With that I’ll go to bed and try and rest easy.

Night! X

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Just a Question…

November 29, 2007

Thursday, 29 November 2007

03:21

Well I’ve pushed it too far tonight. It’s twenty past 3 and I should be sound asleep, and I will be in just a jiffy. I could argue that I’m trying to get myself ready for working nights, but no, that would be a lie.

All I want to say tonight, or rather ask, is how well do you male to female transgender people out there get on, or did get on with your parents, especially your father? I’m just curious about it, so if you don’t mind telling just leave a comment. I was trying to make a poll so that it would be easier, but as it turns out, it’s a lot harder than it seems, and I’ve also wasted sleeping hours doing it.

That’s all for tonight, I’m so tired now.

Night! X

A ‘Didn’t Do’ Day

November 28, 2007

Wednesday, 28 November 2007

01:26

Today was mostly a wasted day for me. I did say I wanted sort my doctors appointment out today, but I didn’t in the end. I also said that I was going to go around to my Nan’s and tidy up her garden a bit, but again, I didn’t. What did I do instead? Well I’d like to know myself! I wasted my day away in front of the computer screen mostly. If not that, then the TV screen. All in all a bit of a waste of time.

What I did do though, was plan, plot, and contemplate. Nothing evil like it may sound, no, it’s just I’ve been thinking of many good ideas to do in the future and up until today I didn’t know the tools to do it existed. Now I know, I’ll have to order them and start planning, plotting and contemplating in more depth. Shame it costs like £100, but I think it’ll be worth it.

That’s all I’m saying on the matter. Partly for secrecy, I don’t want people copying me, and partly because I may or may not end up doing it. But just watch this space.

Oh wow, just noticed that the profile that stole my photos and claimed they were her has actually changed their profile picture. Not only that, but she’s changed her name and also set her profile to private. Without sounding too negative from this relatively positive news, I imagine that she is still using my pictures, just not as her main, and I can’t find out unless I pretend she’s my friend and have a look. The thing is though, this is as far as I’m going to take it because I don’t want to be completely paranoid and presume she has, after all people could be using my pictures pretending their me anywhere, I just don’t know about it. I’ll just forget about it and move on.

Enough for now.

Night! X

Filling is Feeling Unfulfilling

November 27, 2007

Tuesday, 27 November 2007

02:17

Today…. Hmmm.

Well, it was a Monday.

I ate a banana at one point, that was fun.

There was fog.

Somebody said “Erection” whilst picking up boxes and looking at me.

I touched a tin of baked beans.

Those are my highlights. That’s about it. Sad, I know. When I’m at work it always seems like I’m doing a lot and everything seems important, but when I’m at home I partly don’t remember what I did earlier, and partly realise the bits that I do remember weren’t exactly that interesting to begin with. I mean how interesting can “I put a box of biscuits on a shelf” be? That’s about the extent of my excitement; filling. I really ought to start looking for better jobs. Ones with actual potential to move up. I guess that’s one good thing about being temporary all the time. It makes you look elsewhere, makes you have to better yourself.

The thing is I don’t know what to do. I don’t really feel like I want to learn anything again, at least not just learning. Learning whilst in a job is different. I can do that. I guess I’d like to be involved in marketing, but the creative side of it. Media would be good, but of course these all require good qualifications, higher than D’s in A Levels. In some ways I wish I’d stuck it out at uni. First off I would have been able to be myself much more openly, and secondly I’d have actually got a qualification out of it, even if it wasn’t something I was interested in doing.

Anyway, I was supposed to be tired and not wanting to write a whole lot, so I’ll stop now and retire to bed.

Night! X

Been Skiing…

November 26, 2007

Monday, 26 November 2007

00:59

Seen as it was my day off today, I decided to make something of it. So I went skiing! Yes, yes I did! Luckily, near where I live, there’s a ski slope (with the mats rather than the snow) and I used to go on there a lot more. But over the past few years I’ve been going less and less, and today I felt like a complete novice again. I did ok today. I fell over a couple of times, but that was it. I can’t ski in a way that it looks cool, I’m one of the ones that has their ski’s pointing together to go slower. It is actually pretty scary. Why on earth would one want to fire themselves down a mountainside at top speed?! I admit, if you were good enough, it could be fun, but when you’re there looking unbalanced all the time, and there’s these little kids overtaking me, it doesn’t really seem that fun! What also annoys me is that my Dad is phenomenal at it, and he’s always trying to tell me to do different things. It usually just makes me more nervous and I’m then more likely to fall. I feel I’d learn so much more if Dad and other judging eyes looked elsewhere! I want to learn by doing!

The reason for this relatively random idea to go skiing today, originates from an idea that Dad had, to go on a skiing holiday early next year. He suggested this before I opened up to him about me being transgender, but I still want to do it, and Dad still seems ok with it, so hopefully it will still go ahead. I have to admit I’m probably more interested in the picture opportunities rather than the actual skiing aspect of it though.

Well not much else going on, so that’ll do. (Apart from which I’m getting worryingly addicted to stupid time consuming games at the moment. Damn you Runescape, eating up my early morning hours!)

Wow, I’m sad. Seriously I must try and wean myself off being on the computer all the time. I’m avoiding doing important things. Yes, it’s a means of escape, but now I want to actually sort my life out!

Night! X

Historic Greenhouses R’nt Us

November 25, 2007

Sunday, 25 November 2007

01:51

Well apparently the phrase ‘historic greenhouses’ has been typed into google, and that person then managed to find a link to this very site. I don’t know what’s more weird, the fact that the person was looking for historic greenhouses, and then decided to click on a site that has nothing to do with what they wanted, or somebody is actually interested in historic greenhouses?!

Well today, I’ll be honest, not a whole lot happened. It was a day at work, that’s about it. But my day was certainly brightened considerably by an article in the ‘Daily Mail’, and it’s really not often that is said. It usually is the fuel behind the ‘We’re all going to die’ fire. But no, today, when I was on my second break and alone in the cafeteria, I read this and actually started laughing to myself. It just tickled my comedy strings.

Ok I’ll fill you in. These were answers given by ill-informed school kids when answering tests. You may have read them, you may have now, here’s a few…

“Homer wrote the Oddity. Actually, Homer was not written by Homer but by another man of that name”

“Poetry is when every line starts with a capital letter and doesn’t reach the right side of the page” (Let’s give them credit, they’re not wrong!)

“Joan of Arc was Noah’s sister”

“Handel was half-German, half-Italian and half-English. He was very large”

“One horsepower is the amount of energy it takes to drag a horse 500 feet in one second”

And finally…

“Clouds just keep circling the Earth around and around, and around. There is not much else to do”

There you go, I hope you feel suitably enlightened. To be honest, thinking about education and everything, there are a lot of things you have to take granted as a pupil. I remember at school when we were being taught things, people would ask lots of questions about a particular subject and eventually the teacher would not have the answer and just say “Because that’s just the way things are, ok?!”. For example “Why is there gravity?”. I wanted to know why on everything, I don’t like to accept what we’re given. Maybe that’s why I’m so sceptical, and some would say, cynical. I think it’s healthy to be like that a bit though. To think outside the box and everything.

Anyway, that’s enough tonight. Oh, and by the way, the book that those quotes were taken from is called “Must Try Harder! The Very Worst Howlers By Schoolchildren”, available to buy in the UK here. Quite possibly a good Christmas present?! By the way, that wasn’t advertising, that was just so it didn’t seem like I was stealing the quotes!

Night! X

This Time Last Year…

November 24, 2007

Saturday, 24 November 2007

02:27

I just checked my diary from this time last year (it was a slow day today!) to see where I was at. It turns out that it was one of my lows. I had just finished work, and got changed having previously agreed to go out with my friends. Then, when I was all ready and organised, I rang one of my friends and it turned out that the night had been cancelled. It all fell through, which to be honest, is like everything else my friends organise. I shouldn’t have been surprised, but I was. After getting ready and really being quite excited about going out and blowing off steam, having to then be suddenly dropped like that had a big affect. I got upset a lot and cried, still in the cloakroom at work. Nobody decided to tell me that it was off. Why?! Anyway, that event lead to the eventual telling of Charlie, and so then Woo. I told Charlie (who’s real name is Charlotte by the way) that I was just feeling down in my life generally and I looked forward to going out, so then she started talking to me properly, asking why. This led to me opening up to her, and to be perfectly honest, I’ve never really been as close to her since then. She has distanced herself from me, whether on purpose, or just naturally, but I certainly see her less now. It’s sad, but I guess I can’t just presume that everyone is going to 100% accept me straight away. I’ve been lucky to be honest, everyone else, bar my parents, seems to have been ok, and it’s probably strengthened our relationships rather than anything else. I know that I’ve never been closer to Rob, the friend that found out first.

One thing has been on my mind for a while now though. Telling my best friend, Naomi (Nay) is possibly even worse than telling parents. My parents were never going to throw me out or anything like that, but friends, friends don’t have to stick together. She could just shun me, and be off, never to be seen again. I have been friends with her since the very start of school and really we’ve never fought. Once in Junior school Nay and all the girls I was friends with sided against me, and I was just sat there on my own, alienated because I was a boy. It didn’t take long before we became friends again though, in fact it was probably about half an hour.

I can’t quite judge how Nay would take it because I’ve known her for so long, it may seem like I’ve been deceiving her all these years, but at the same time, she has probably always thought of me as one of the girls. Many times she’d say about how annoying or disgusting boys are, and then she’d look at me and say “But not you, you’re different”. I don’t know, maybe I should just take the plunge and see. If she falls out with me because of that then maybe she’s not the friend I thought she was.

I have tried to imagine the ‘coming out’ from the other perspective, but it’s hard. If say, Nay came up to me saying she wanted to be a man, apart from the initial shock, I’d be fine with it. But maybe I’m biased because I know so much about how that feels! I’ve never really had news like that broken to me. I think to be honest, I would be fine with a lot of things. I am pretty open-minded, so as long as someone didn’t come out saying they were a murderer or something, I’d probably be ok. Actually even if they did say that, I’d still try and help, as long as they weren’t brandishing a knife while they were saying that. Murderers must have something wrong in their mind that needs fixing, and I’m sure it could be fixed in a lot of cases. Maybe I’m being naïve though. I just find it hard to believe someone in their right mind would want to kill another human being!

Anyway, I’m drifting off the point. And drifting off just generally as well, so I’ll call it a night.

Night! X

Emotional Blackmail

November 23, 2007

Friday, 23 November 2007

01:32

My Mum is getting to me at the moment. Today she said “Please don’t go ahead with this, you’d be killing my son if you do”. What a horrible line. How could she say that? It’s obvious I’ve got a tonne of troubles to deal with at the moment then she throws that in. I know she is just trying to help me lead a good life and she doesn’t want me to be ridiculed in public, but saying something like that doesn’t help me in anyway. In my mind this is what I want more than anything, and then to be told that this is causing my Mum to lose her son, it just rips me apart. I don’t want to hurt my parents like that. I told her that I’d still be the same person inside, but she wouldn’t have it.

She then kept going on about how masculine I am. “You don’t have feminine traits”, things like that. She then added that if anyone is supposed to change, it’s my cousin Phil. He has expensive haircuts, drinks cocktails and the like. That’s about it for his feminine traits. He’s not feminine, he’s just a guy that looks after himself well. The reason I don’t have expensive haircuts is because I just don’t want to look like a good guy, I don’t want to look like a guy at all. I also do drink cocktails (not that that’s a clear cut sign of feminism!) but I just don’t tell my parents. I don’t like to invite awkward questions. That’s the main point of this. I’ve hidden myself from my parents all this time and they quite simply can’t believe it. I also still can’t act like myself because of my sister not knowing. It’s infuriating!

Well apart from that, not a whole lot else happened. I did draw a picture of Betty from Ugly Betty today. It’s been a long time since I actually drew something, the last time was probably during my Fine Art classes at college. I’m pleased with how it looks, considering the fact I spent like ten minutes on it. I would post a picture of it, but it’s not finished and besides which, the pencilling is so light you probably wouldn’t see it anyway.

I didn’t go to the doctors today to sort out an appointment, and to be honest I don’t really know why. I guess I’m scared about going back. She might be like “And why has it taken you so long to come back? Are you not serious about this?”. I guess the longer I leave it, the more likely it is that that question will be asked.

Enough pondering. Here’s a huge rubber duck for no reason…

rubberduck_02

Night! X

Mr & Mr. Mrs & Mrs.

November 22, 2007

Thursday, 22 November 2007

01:08

The other day I was saying about how well the public acceptance of gay/lesbian people has come on. Well today I have more proof of that. I’m going to level with you, I work in Marks & Spencer, and for those of you that don’t know, that’s a primarily clothing and food high street store (unfortunately I’m on the food bit!). But anyway, we also sell cards. We don’t sell many, in fact in our store there are just two stands about two metres across on each. Well not so long ago I noticed these cards, and I was actually very impressed. For a store that doesn’t have a huge range of cards, it’s great to see gay/lesbian Mr & Mrthemed ones. I’ve never seen them before, not even in stores specifically for greetings cards. As far as I noticed there were only these two, but it’s a start! Mr & Mr. Mrs & Mrs. Very encouraging.

Interestingly the Mrs & Mrs cards have been selling a lot quicker than the Mr & Mr one.

By the way, apologies for the less than perfect quality of the picture. It was taken on my phone, and I had to take it quickly because there were a few supervisors around.

Anyway, away from cards now, but staying with work. I find it annoying and maybe a little confusing about the expiry dates of foods. I’ve always wondered why ‘Mature Cheese’ had an expiry date that’s usually less than a month away. It’s been sat in a relatively warm condition for months, maybe years, and then when it’s put in the fridge, suddenly it’s not fit for eating within a month. I have to admit I don’t know a whole lot about cheese, but that to me sounds wrong.

Similar thing with Parma Ham. It’s been hanging around for a few years, then comes into store completely uncooked and then suddenly it will be off in a month. Do fridges reduce the life of these products? If so, why isn’t it put somewhere that isn’t a fridge?!

Lastly is the most bizarre. Today I was doing a date check and I noticed that a foil platter dish had ‘gone out of date’. It’s foil, it’s a piece of foil, that is all. There is nothing edible about it. It turned out that it was a couple of months out of date too. Had it deteriorated? Urm, no! Did it stink? Urm, no. Would you come to harm if you ate it? Probably, but that’s got nothing to do with the date. The only possible explanation for it is that it used to be a chicken or something, and over time it turns into foil. Ok so that’s not really a ‘possible’ explanation.

It’s all about health and safety again isn’t it? Sometimes it just goes too far.

Enough for now,

Night! X

A Few London Photos

November 21, 2007

Wednesday, 21 November 2007

01:55

Well for no apparent reason I’ll post a few London pictures I took last month. People have asked to see more photos of mine that aren’t necessarily me, so here you go!

First off is the Tower of London. I took this picture because I thought it was interesting to compare the new with the old. London is the perfect place to do something like that, there’s new things popping up all the time, surrounding the famously historic landmarks. Some may dislike it, but I actually like it. I bet when the Tower of London was first built, people thought, “Geez, what an eyesore!”.

New with Old

This next one was taken from within the greenhouses at Kew Gardens. I took this one because I thought the contrast between the natural circular lily pads and the man-made roof reflected in the water made quite an interesting composition.

Circles and Lines

This was taken from another of the greenhouses in Kew Gardens. It’s basically a close up of a banana plant flower. I don’t know the exact name, or even if that’s correct, but the colours are fantastic and so is the detail! I love this camera!

Banana Plant Flower Thingy

Finally, this picture is currently my desktop background. It completely defines what Autumn is to me. The colours, the evening light, everything about it.

Autumn

Well there you go, a quick insight to what I get up to with my camera, other than taking photos of myself!

Night! X