Archive for October, 2007

No Being Me

October 31, 2007

Wednesday, 31 October 2007


I seriously cannot believe what I saw on the internet this evening. One of my friends I’d met on the internet sent me a link to a myspace page. I’m seriously just getting my head around this still. Somebody has actually stolen my identity. Somebody’s posted a picture of me dressed as a girl on a profile and pretended that that’s them. I can’t believe it, why would someone pretend to be me? I find it pretty offensive to be honest. I mean they have no right to pretend to be me. There’s 113 people that have added this person as a friend. They’ve all been deceived, and most likely a few of them are liars too.

My god there’s more than one photo of me on this site as well, all with comments on. I can’t believe this, I don’t know what to do! I can’t even remember uploading these photos to the web! I feel like just commenting something on there, something to put a stop to it. Oh god, I hope they haven’t been saying really nasty things when chatting to others. The face they will remember will be mine. This is not good, I’m going to have to find a way to stop it.

I guess more than anything, this proves just how evil the internet can be. Anyone you talk to on the internet could be somebody completely different to what they claim. The world we live in now is crazy, everything has to be taken with a pinch of salt. I’m very used to doing that now and I’m almost suspicious of everything, but can you really blame me if this sort of thing can happen?

I don’t know where to go to get that profile off. Maybe I should just message them and tell them to get rid of the profile. Maybe they’ll do as they say, I don’t know. If this is you reading this, if you are the one pretending to be me, then stop it, really, stop it. I will find a way of deleting you anyway. If you really are a 19 year old crossdresser, you don’t need pictures of me to gain attention. Please, do it the right way and just be yourself, you’ll make a lot more friends that way. In my opinion though, I think it’s more likely that you’re just an old man that wants to get pictures of young crossdressers. Either way, stop it.

Ok, I’ve just mailed the person:

Hey ‘Sophia’

Would you mind removing my pictures from your profile and stop pretending to be me. That’d be just dandy.

I’ll be watching.

The Real Ella.

Too scary? Maybe, but they did steal my identity!

Ok, now I feel like I can post the web address. Here tis…

Finally I’d like to just say thanks a lot to my friend that showed me this page. It means a lot!

Currently I’m…feeling paranoid, even more than usual.

Night! X


What I’ve Been Up To…

October 30, 2007

Tuesday, 30 October 2007


That was quite possibly the oddest series of days I’ve had all my life, apart from maybe things like my birth. That was probably a bit different for me. It’s been so hectic recently I haven’t even been able to update for 3 days. Three days! 3! Three! 2+1! 198-195! A crowd! A few! The magic number! Half a dozen divided by a couple! Basically what I’m trying to say is three. I’ve not done that since I started this diary. So now let me try and remember what happened…

Saturday I worked and then in the evening I went straight out to a party. I bought a card and a bottle of Vodka, but neither were used. The card got creased, and the party had enough liquid flowing so my contribution was unneeded.

Sorry, I’m just going to go off on a side note here. Just then I completely forgot the word ‘contribution’ but I knew I would remember it if I kept thinking, and obviously I was right. But how weird is it that sometimes you can’t remember something, but you know you have it there in your brain. What has changed in my brain since I started thinking about it until I actually remembered? And possibly most worrying of all, why did I forget that word? It’s just a normal everyday English word, why did it temporarily elude me. The brain is a fantastic thing. Well that’s a bit of an understatement to be fair. The brain is the most complex thing on the planet. How can it do everything it does. How am I writing this right now? Where did these views that I have come from? Is it my choice? What is choice?

Ok, whoa, hold up, I’m getting ahead of myself. The brain is powerful, but my brain isn’t capable of answering things like that. Whenever something like “What is choice?” is asked, everything should be stopped. If you keep thinking about things like that you’ll get much the same experience as you would if you thought about how big space is. You know when you just reach the absolute limit of what your brain can think about?

Anyway, where was I? Ah yes, the party. The party was great. I saw loads of people I hadn’t seen in so long including a girl called Charlie who knows about me but hasn’t really had anything to do with me since I told her. She was fine with me, just like normal. I think she’s ok with it, she’s just got a boyfriend now so she never sees us. Also she does nights so, again, another reason to not be seeing her.

That party went well anyway. The birthday girl’s parents were there too, so it didn’t get too rowdy, but fireworks were still involved and there were quite a few people I didn’t know there. It was a fairly big 21st party really.

Actually, I just remembered. The annual get Woo into a dress event came around again and they all made him go. Where Woo would normally have gone ahead and done it, he didn’t this time. He claimed it was because some kids were there, they may be scarred for life, but I think he was really doing it because I was there. He may have thought it would offend me. I would have been ok with it, but hey, I wasn’t about to tell him that there in front of everybody.

After most people had left we just chatted until like 4am. We got a pizza from a place with ludicrous opening hours and then fell asleep at about 5am. In the morning, in fact about two hours later, I got up, said my goodbyes and started walking home. Then it started tipping it down, so I phoned home, which I was trying to avoid, it being a Sunday morning and all, but I had to, and they didn’t mind too much. When I got home I went to sleep again. I slept till about 1:30pm.

So, now this was Sunday. I got up had a very large Sunday Dinner and got ready for work. I was due to start at 4pm. The bad news was that I was meant to be there until 6am the following morning. And that’s exactly what happened. 14 hours it was meant to be, but I got paid for 13 ½ because of breaks and I also stayed half an hour after 6am. And when you work out that I got time and a half for working unsociable hours, and also possibly even more because it was a Sunday, then you’ll start to realise why I did it!

There’s not a whole lot to say about that night, apart from that it was tiring, but I presumed that to be obvious. I think it did help having a party before though because then I’d sort of got into the nocturnal habit already. It’s the first time I’d ever known a party the night before to be so advantageous!

Then Monday morning I got home about 7am, said night night to my sister who was just eating breakfast and I got into bed and didn’t get out again until 3pm. Then, yet again I had to get up and get ready for work because I was doing 6-9pm Monday night. Not as bad, just more of an annoyance than anything else really. So now here I am. I’m at home on the computer at nearly 2am and I feel like I’m awake enough to be stacking shelves or something. It’s going to be difficult to get to sleep soon, but I’m going to have to if I want to get back into the habit of living a normal life. Doing the night shift really makes you feel like you’re wasting what precious time you have on Earth, but when you think about it, it really isn’t that different to normal.

Anywho, I’ve updated with a fairly boring list of what I’ve been upto over the past few days that’s made it difficult for me to get on. So to brighten the entry a tad, here’s a quote from this time last year, referring to darts on TV…

“It is quite possibly the most boring thing you could show on TV, apart from maybe a 95 year old woman cross-stitching a picture of herself, cross-stitching this picture, that would be pretty boring. And pointless.”

Right I’m off to bed. Everything just described as well as the clocks going back has left my body clock in shatters on the floor. Hopefully it will be repaired before I start work again on Wednesday.

Currently I’m…off to bed. Did you not read what I just said?!

Night! X

Recipe For Disaster: Butter, Fireworks, Vodka

October 27, 2007

Saturday, 27 October 2007


I’ve got a few interesting days coming up for a change. Tomorrow I work as normal, but afterwards I’m going to a party that has been known to turn into a ‘crossdressing night’, but you know, seen as I’m going it probably won’t be. I always seem to manage to avoid those.

Then Sunday when I’m not supposed to be working, I will be, but it will be from 10pm to 6am. Yeh, you better believe it, overnight. So I don’t know when I’m going to sleep or write an entry because I’m also working in the afternoon/evening of Monday. As a reward for this, quite frankly, reward worthy series of hours, I will be getting next Saturday off. Yay! My first Saturday off since God knows when. Probably something like March.

Anyway, more about this party tomorrow. It’s the birthday of a friend I made through other friends at college. I’m at a high enough relationship status to get an invite, but I’m not expected to get her a present, that has to be the best status for saving money! I daren’t get any friendlier at risk of having to buy a present for her next year! Hmm, just had a flashback of last year. There was a lot of butter…on bodies…and there was licking involved…and of course alcohol…then spin the bottle…wow…it was crazy. This time I’m bringing a lot of Vodka and someone else is bringing fireworks. Hmmm.

As I’ve said before, I’ve not been at a party that turned all crossdressy on me, but my friend Woo has. By the way this the guy that was fairly interested in going out dressed as girls and everything. He also had photos of himself wearing a dress posted all over college. Some might suspect him to be a crossdresser, but I don’t think he is. He is just whatever he wants to be. That’s how he lives. He’s not a crossdresser for having done it a few times and enjoyed it. He has just crossdressed. He himself is perfectly straight and whenever he speaks you know it is the truth. That’s what I like about him, how genuine he really is.

Anyway, I’m wasting valuable sleeping time. I will update sometime soon. Maybe Sunday day? We shall see. Mwahahahaha! (The evil laugh is always appropriate).

Currently I’m…listening to “Happy Ending” by MIKA. Some hate him, some like him, like me. This particular song is probably my favourite of his. The chorus of female singers in the background really makes it.

Night! X

Bubbly Bliss

October 26, 2007

Friday, 26 October 2007


I was reminded of something that happened in London today. A few days back when I was going to the Tower of London, Dad bought a ‘Family Ticket’ because it was a lot cheaper than separately. First off, it was for two children and two adults, that was all, no other combination. I mean come on, how many families are there like that? It’s a bit unfair on all those families aren’t like that. Secondly, the children were classed as 15 or under. So what, 16 year olds have to pay for adult tickets, and yet they can do nothing what-so-ever, buy alcohol, cigarettes, or drive. That sounds unfair to me. I think there should just be a standard system bought in where you pay a childs fee up until 18 then after you’re an adult, unless you’re a student of course. Finally I’d like to say that despite the fact I am 20, I still got a childs ticket, and I did get away with it. My Dad was keen to make the most of my ‘baby face’ by making a saving. Fair enough, some my say. If I look 15, then sure, but think about it from my perspective for a second. Do you realise how embarrassing it is to pretend to be 15?! I don’t like doing it because I like to do things honestly, and I’d said to him that I’d pay for the ticket if he was going to do that, but he wouldn’t have it. So there I was pretending I was a little kid again.

I know I know, I’m complaining about something that is obviously not that bad. I look young, so what? I should be grateful for that I guess, but I just hate it when Dad puts me in that kind of situation. But yeh, I admit the benefits of looking young certainly out-weigh the problems.

Anyway, today was an OK day. My parents set Thursdays as No TV or Computer day, so I had to find something else to do. (I know, it seems like they still treat me like I’m 15 too). Most of the day I was sleeping or eating, so that wasted a few hours, but tonight I did something I’d not done for a long while. Had a bath, and not just any bath, oh no, a glass of wine and candles bath. I’ve never done that before, but believe me I will be doing it again. It felt great to just relax in the hot bath with the bubbly water surrounding me and the relaxing piano music tinkling away in the background. It was a great way to just let my mind go and just lay back and switch off for a bit. I took some pictures after my bath to give you an idea of what it was like.

Candle Glow


Imagine a bath like that with music like this. Ludivico Einaudi – I Giorni (The Days). I actually play this on the piano too. Fantastic music.

(Thank you Tim French!)

Well that’s all for tonight.

Currently I’m…supremely relaxed.

Night! X

Buy This…Now

October 25, 2007

Thursday, 25 October 2007


I’ve just been looking around the internet for videos and things. Here are two things I’ve seen on TV and I just wanted to see them again.

The first is this Cadbury’s Advert. If you’re British I imagine you’ve already seen it, but if not just watch it, it’s quite interesting.

Yeh, I know what you’re thinking, what does this have to do with chocolate? Well I don’t think it matters, what does matter is that it is memorable, and it certainly is. What also matters is that it will be accepted by the online community and that it gets made fun of and ‘re-mixed’ by others. More people uploading different videos of it onto various websites is only going to make it more and more popular. I mean look at me now, I’m talking about it, and you may have never heard of Cadbury, but you have now. Here’s a parody of the above video which made me laugh.

Lastly, I would just like to show these clips. The first is the original advert for Cillit Bang. Again, you may have seen it, you may not.

Ok next is a spoof of that advert done on The Peter Serafinowicz Show. This too made me laugh quite a bit!

So what is the point in me showing you these videos you may ask? Well I just want to say about the power of advertising. I have been very interested in advertising for quite a while and that is something I’d really like to get into as a career. Some of it can be intrusive and just horrible, but what I like is something that makes you stop and think, or just something that looks interesting, or something insanely funny. The following two videos are quite probably my two favourite ads of all time. And you know what, they do work, I know exactly which company did them and what they were advertising. This is the kind of thing I want to be making in the future, I want to be a part of this.

That last one is best seen on a big cinema screen though. It sends shivers down my spine.

Currently I’m…hoping I didn’t whack too many videos into one entry!

Night! X

London Guilt

October 23, 2007

Wednesday, 24 October 2007


I’m back! I had my few days away in London just fine. Work hasn’t contacted me, so I presume it was all ok for me to have a day off. Maybe I should have completely double checked, but I should think I’d be ok.

Unfortunately I do have work tomorrow, but lets gloss over that for the moment and tell you what I’ve been up to.

First day we drove down to London, and before checking in to our hotel we went to Kew Gardens. It’s a great place, but it’s a long way to walk if you want to see all of it. We did see a lot of the nice bits, but in no way did we see all of it. I did take a few pictures, and I may post them later.

The following day, after a pleasant night at our hotel, we got the tube into central London. I do love London and I wish I could have seen more of it while I was there, but we were destined to only do touristy bits because we weren’t there long and basically that’s all people wanted to do.

When we got into the centre, we went on the London Eye, which was a great, albeit a little uncomfortable, experience. Yes we were in a safe pod with others and with no way of falling over the edge because you were in a completely sealed ball. But at the same time there was no denying just how high you go and also the doors said “Do Not Lean Against Doors”, suggesting that they might open if you do. I don’t usually get scared of heights, but I did then, I just felt a bit queasy, you know? I just wasn’t completely comfortable. Apart from that though, I’d highly recommend it, just make sure you pick a good day so you can make the most of it, and I imagine it would be stunning up there on a clear evening.

After that we walked along the bank of the Thames towards Tower Bridge and the Tower of London. Now, for those of you in the know, this isn’t exactly far from a TG Bar, “The Way Out Club”. This was the bar that I went to for the one and only time I’ve been out dressed. I could not stop thinking about that when I was up there, and I just felt so guilty as my parents were so clueless that I’d been here more recently than they thought, and also I wasn’t looking as they might expect. That clouded my mind quite a bit, and when we’d finished going around the tower they were quite surprised at how I knew just so well where the Underground station was.

That’s another thing, whenever I go on the trains in and around London, or just anywhere in fact, I’m filled with an overwhelming guilt knowing that most of my train journeys have been that to deceive my parents. They know nothing as far as I am aware and I can feel myself getting a bit emotional.

Anyway, that was yesterday. Today we all woke, packed our bags and checked out the hotel. We did have a quick circular walk around the area we were staying, and I have to say it was pretty nice. The area was Richmond. It’s a fair distance from the central part of London, but it’s close enough for you to feel it! We didn’t do a whole lot today, apart from all the travelling home after the walk.

My view of London hasn’t really changed. It’s still somewhere I’d maybe like to stay for a while, just to see what it’s like. I have to be honest though, San Francisco still gets my vote for the place I’d most like to live, it just seems so much more… me.

Well that’s all for tonight, I started going to bed early in London (10pm!) so I’ll try and keep to that trend, at least a little bit.

Currently I’m…not happy at the prospect of work tomorrow.

Night! X

London Calling

October 20, 2007

Sunday, 21 October 2007


We’re leaving for London at 8am tomorrow, therefore I am not going to be on here into the dead of night. Some might say that quarter to one in the morning is pretty late, but not me, no, this is early for me.

I am for obvious reasons not going to be able to update this diary for the next few days, but I will try and write something on paper (paper? What is the stone age? …or paper age?!). But then again it just might be so hectic I don’t get a chance to write, we’ll see.

I’m also taking my nice new camera so some good pictures will be taken I hope. I’m unsure of whether I’ll show them all on here, but again, we’ll see.

Well that’s about it from me tonight, I will have to get to sleep soon and hope I don’t feel to sleepy tomorrow morning.

Currently I’m…wishing I could write a longer entry, but I know I really can’t.

Night! X


October 20, 2007

Saturday, 20 October 2007


I always come on so late, I should really make myself get to bed earlier.

Anyway today a guy came through my till that I don’t see a whole lot but whenever we do we talk, and I only know him from going through my till. He is gay, or I am in very little doubt that he is. I also think he likes me. Lets look at the facts…shall we….

  1. He looks gay. (I’m not being harsh or anything, but why is it that gay men usually look it. It’s something about their faces, they just come across gay. Just more proof that it is actually genetic rather than a lifestyle choice)
  2. He sounds it too (Now that could be a lifestyle choice)
  3. He calls me ‘Sausage’. (Yeha, he does, and he’s not even that secretive! He actually called me that a few weeks ago and still remembered it today)
  4. He flirts a lot (see above)
  5. He uses a lot of sexual innuendos (“I’ll just squeeze that in there” he said, talking about putting shopping in a bag. He then started laughing naughtily! Yeh I know, not a great example but I can’t remember a good one)
  6. Today I said that “It doesn’t take much to impress you” to him, and then he laughed and said “You know me so well already”.

There we go, that’s the truth. The thing is, I haven’t exactly been trying to put him off flirting with me and everything, because to tell you the truth I like it.

Ok, let me clear something up, some of you may know, some of you won’t. Me being transgender, ie relating to a certain gender identity that isn’t my current, has nothing at all to do with my sexual preference. I am transgender in that I feel like I should have been born female. As for how gay/straight I am, I don’t even know yet. I haven’t lived as myself for longer than like a day, I don’t think that’s really enough time to work out who I want to be with.

As I am now, I don’t want a relationship with anyone, at all. As a girl to me it feels like I’d have a relationship with anyone! That’s not me being desperate or anything, I just think the person I love could be male or female. I have to admit that I can definitely more see myself being with a guy when I’m female, but hey, I don’t know, I’m not Mystic Meg.

Well, whatever happens with me and this guy (it just struck me I don’t even know his name), before it would get too far I’d obviously tell him how I really feel and I wouldn’t want the relationship to go anywhere, unless of course he really liked that sort of thing, but him being gay isn’t really what I look for a in a guy. So why do I like him flirting with me on the tillpoints you may ask? Well I just like the attention in real life. Yeh I get some attention online, but it’s nothing on actually talking to someone and knowing that they like you. Makes you feel very special.

Anyway, I will get some sleep. Work tomorrow, then London Sunday!

Currently I’m…wondering if my parents can hear me coughing from their bedroom. Hope not.

Night! X

Breast Cancer Awareness Month

October 19, 2007

Friday, 19 October 2007


Well I’m feeling better tonight at long last, so I’ll actually write something half decent!

I’d like to say right now that I may be moving this blog simply because it’s not giving me the freedom I want. I want to have my own website, make everything on it, be the one that decides whether something can go a certain place or not. There’s a load of things I can’t do on this site. Don’t get me wrong, it’s a great site, but I want to customise my pages more. I’ve always wanted to have my own proper website that I design. I’ve wanted to get into that sort of thing for a while. I create graphics and things, but I never get far enough to put them on a site! I’ll look into it, I don’t have a whole lot of time right now.

Tomorrow I’m working, Saturday I’m working, and then Sunday me and my family are off to London for a couple of nights. The reality is that I really don’t get a day off until next Thursday again, and then that’s “No computer and TV” day of course, so nothing going to happen then either. The next possible time for me to start building a website is a week on Sunday, but then you have to bear in mind that my family will be around so I can’t exactly do it freely. Anyway, I guess that gives me plenty of time to think about the design at least!

Today, along with getting a few new shaving things (eugh), I bought some new things for my bike. I got myself a new helmet that actually looks good (yes, safety first) and also a new ‘hardened steel’ bike lock (security second). I still think that if someone had determination as well as a small circular saw, then they’d be able to nick it. The thing is that bike lock nearly cost as much as the bike in the first place so I’m not exactly losing a lot. Anyway, my shaving things seem ok. I did a bit of research today about shaving, and there seems to be many different ways to get an effective result. I use none of those ways. Today though I bought shaving oil and gel with Aloe and Vitamin E in, both of which are apparently good. Also I bought a shaving brush which I have yet to use and I’m quite frankly unsure about how good it will be.

Anyway, away from the shaving shenanigans I’d rather not face. There’s one thing bothering me at the moment. Breast Cancer. It’s not that I’ve got it, or that I’m aware of someone I know having it. Ok, this month is ‘Breast Cancer Awareness’ Month, which is a good, if not great idea. I’m sure there are too many women out there that don’t come forward about Breast Cancer because they are so embarrassed about it. At work we’ve been invited to come to work wearing pink to help raise awareness, and when I look on the websites about Breast Cancer all you see is pink and white and bras and women. That made me think, what about the guys? Surely all these feminine things that are being thrown in with breast cancer is only going to embarrass them further and put them off going to see someone about it. I know male breast cancer is a much rarer thing that female breast cancer, and I know you can’t please everybody, but there could at least be some recognition of it on these sites, and to be honest I think the whole ‘pink’ thing should be dropped.

I’ve just done a bit of looking on one of these breast cancer sites and yes there are male breast cancer sections, but just look at this front page. Pink everywhere.

I don’t know, as I said you can’t please everybody, but it’s just something to think about. I could now go into the whole thing about why pink is a girls colour and blue is a boys colour, but I think that would take a lot of time and much more intelligence than I possess!

Currently I’m…looking at Snooker on TV. It’s not watching, because something has to be happening to watch it. I’m just looking at a load of different coloured balls on the table. I do actually quite like to play snooker, or pool, but having it on TV is just silly. It’s pretty darn boring! No wonder it’s on so late at night, it’ll help people sleep!

Night! X

Not Feeling Great Still…

October 18, 2007

Thursday, 18 October 2007


It’s late, I’m tired, my eyes are watering. Yet again this is a boring post. It’s about time I headed to bed. I have a lie in tomorrow. Yay! I would like to stay up and talk about something interesting but I can’t fight my watery eyes. Maybe I’ll update in the day tomorrow, if I feel up to it.

Currently I’m… wishing my cold would just go.

Night! X