Taking the Right Road

Monday, 9 May 2011


So, I was supposed to have an appointment at a nearby Mental Health Clinic on the 4th. It didn’t happen in the end, but not because I pulled out or anything. Rather ironically the doctor called in sick, so I got the receptionist ringing me in the morning telling me they had to rearrange an appointment. They have done so and I now have to wait again until the 15th June. I’m not too bothered about it to be honest. This whole thing is a ridiculously long process anyway so an extra month’s wait isn’t really that big of a deal.

I have been having doubts here and there about it all, but it inevitably comes back around to being what I want to do. I know it’s not a simple thing to do, but I also know I would always regret it forever more if I did nothing. That alone is reason enough.

Other than that not a whole lot of blog-worthy things have happened. I’m getting on at work, doing more than I’m being paid for and yet still being paid less than other people at my level thanks to turkey-gate the Christmas before last. Still hoping for a promotion, but at the same time looking around for more work, albeit not that thoroughly.

I still don’t really know what I want to do, job-wise. I still love writing, but I also never feel like it. I love playing the piano, but my keyboard stays stubbornly under the bed. The only job worthy skill I have is being adept in the use of computers, which would have been great fifteen years ago, but these days it’s kind of just expected of you.

I think what I really need is a bit of self discipline. I need to set aside time each day to do something productive that isn’t just cleaning and tidying. I say I should do this, but I sort of feel now that I probably won’t. I can barely make myself come on here to type this up; even now Family Guy is on and my right eye and ear is mostly focused on that.

My Mum always told me to not just let things happen. Don’t wait for things to come to you, you need to go out there and find them. Unfortunately up until this point in my life, I haven’t really gone out of my way all that much to be where I’m at today, so therefore I’ve never really learnt that lesson. I think it’s time I started to pay attention to some of the things my Mum told me when I was younger.

Oh yes, there was another thing to tell you all. I’ve had my hair cut. I have to be honest, it did need it, but if it were completely down to me I probably wouldn’t have cut it as short as it is now. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not short short. It can still pass for a female cut, but I have a family wedding to go to at the end of the month and I need to look smart for it. Fair enough it wasn’t really smart before, but I do miss the length.

There is a bit of a story behind my cut as well. It was actually two cuts. The first time I went to a unisex (although mainly female) salon and asked for a “shaggy style” cut to just over my ears and with a fringe. The hairdresser did not speak English very well. I walked out the salon with a fairly obvious ‘bob’ cut, and no fringe.

I thought it looked pretty good despite it being completely different to what I asked for. But it was patently obvious that it was a girls cut and the next few days I got quite a bit of playful teasing about it at work. I decided that, excuse the pun, my hair wasn’t exactly going to cut it with my family at the wedding, so I headed off to a men’s salon and got it done by someone that could speak my language and I came out with something resembling the description I’d requested when I walked in.

That is there-and-abouts the story of my hair. I am not unhappy with it, but I do miss how long it was before.

That is about all I have to say. I’ve just had a lovely week off work, so I’m feeling pretty chilled out all round. We haven’t really been out to do much as we have next to no money, but it was a good week in all.

Here’s my Song of the Moment and there’s also a couple more pictures from that last batch. Hopefully there’ll be some more new ones soon.


IMG_2252 (1)

IMG_2258 (1)

Night! X


18 Responses to “Taking the Right Road”

  1. JayCee Says:

    Well, the good thing about hair is … it grows back =)
    ( it’s also the bad thing, depending on where it may be on your body 😛 )

  2. LiVia Says:

    It is such a hard and personal choice to make. There is often so very much at stake. Then there is the time, money and awkwardness of it when you first start out. If you choose Hormone therapy watch out. Second Puberty kinda sucks, but its well worth to me.

    I struggled about 20 years with my choice to go forward or live a lie. I just couldn’t picture myself happy living behind a mask. If you wear a mask for too long you forget who you are underneath it. Good luck on your journey and many prayers. I’ll be watching your blog for updates if thats okay.

    Oh! Almost forgot. Don’t get trapped in Stereotypes. Many females have short hair or shorter hair so no biggy. You are you. Just hang on to your “Inch”(That’s a huge reference from my blog but in case you don’t read it, the “Inch” is Integrity.


  3. tammy Says:

    Hi you look pretty good girlfriend.
    love & hugs Tammy x

  4. Missy Wonders Says:

    That’s too bad about the appointment not going through. I’m looking forward to hearing what they say. Great pics as always.

  5. rheapdx1 Says:

    Dear Ella,

    Hon, that You are having doubts shows that You are dealing with this is a more logical fashion than some others have. In that weighing what the upsides and downsides to what the next few steps will entail. More likely than not, You have read or seen those online annecdotes of others who rushed in, thinking this is the silve bullet which will take care of everything, only to come up with what could at best be termed ‘buyer’s remorse’. What You are doing is helping to avoid that type of pratfall in going towards transition.

    With regard to work, not trying to sound like a parent…there is still time to follow your passion. Yes everyone these days is expected to have a background in working with PC’s…but then there are those who get a charge out of getting either to working parts of same or the programming of them [as in writing code etc] The fixing as well as constructing programs are always going to be areas where people will be needed. Not just those who would be …for lack of a better term ‘drones’ who will do this by rote but those who can think about this….doing so in a logical fashion. From what You have mentioned before, You do have a passion for that re: Roller Coaster Tycoon. Persuring that avenue may not be such a bad thing and can lead to something else.Plus you can places your own stamp on this line of work.

    If I may by personal example [the expurgated version, You have seen the others]computers here for me became my thing purely by a set of accidents, as well as a few courses I took at a uni back east all those years back. Granted there have been ups and downs in same over the years, I will freely admit that..but following it has led to getting a few clients, as well as the site project that came about and which is going to be something along the lines of job security [which through other means I have mentioned to You it is now 1/25 done ..just wiaitng for the pricing info and pics for same]. But if I had followed some not so salient advice early on, well things would not have happened as they have, or yours truly would be ‘playing below the potential’. The same thing can happen in Your case, it will over time.

    Hon just remember too that there are ways one can motivate themselves towards things. If anything, set aside a little time per day to just attempt a few computer related issues beyond let’s say gaming. In Your circle of friends ask around if they need something fixed on a PC and see if that sparks anything. If it does, then the steps after that can lead to another item and then…..etc.

    One last point Hon….do not lose the passion for whatever it is be it computers or music etc that gives You joy or can can end up going to something bigger. Without sounding like something out of an old Rod Serling script….the road of life is filled with those who choose to ride on with blinders and do not see the other paths that could have been taken which would have led to a happier horizon. Those who see something better are those who change lanes and take the risk of getting from A to B and have a great personal zeal in attempting same. Their lives may be unconventional, but they are good and fulfilling just the same, if not moreso.

    Til Later on,

    ❤ ❤ ❤

    Love Always,


  6. rheapdx1 Says:

    Hi Again Ella,

    Something arrived in the email here from my work client and well You came to mind due to Your current post. So I dropped You and email about this and would like for You to give it a little thought. Not meant as a ‘line’ or anything like that. It is just that, let’s say it is something which could be good, work wise.

    Til Later On!!!!

    Love Always!!

    ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤


  7. A Hua Li Says:

    New hair looks great, really good when you tie it up like that.

    Have you tried looking at the OU for courses? Those on reasonable low incomes can get the whole course paid for. I am doing a design course at the moment. It’s worth checking out.

    Unless you live in Cambridge or nearby? I can get you a job where I work (online video games) lots of room for promotion.


  8. Lisa Says:

    If you truly want to become the woman that you feel you should be.you have to follow your heart.the same goes for your job situation,if you have a talent use it and fulfill your potential rather than be stuck in a job you do not enjoy doing.thats what i did and i am now doing a job that i enjoy and get to show my talents and what i am good at.as for the hair situation you could try wearing wigs when you are dressing up as your feminine self till you start living full time as a woman.

  9. Alan Says:

    Whatever your decision, remember you only have 1 life to live and you have to make it the one you want. Best of luck!

  10. Scott Hughes Says:

    Don’t chane a thing i like u the way u r and i wood love to meet u and go on a date.

  11. Ju Says:

    Hi Ella..
    I’m from brazil and always watch your videos and read your post.
    you look good when dressed as a girl



  12. hotbetty76 Says:

    your look great and love the pics. i hope things good well for you

    hotbetty 🙂 xoxo

  13. Missy Wonders Says:

    Good Luck tomorrow, Ella. Looking forward to hearing what they say.

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