Archive for the ‘Work’ Category

I ♥ UK

August 28, 2012

Tuesday 28th August 2012

13:09

I’m still not back at work. I have been signed off for the whole of this week, and then I’m on holiday next week. The thing is though I’m almost well enough to go back to work. I can walk around without getting too out of breath now, I just can’t do anything much more than that, and unfortunately my job requires much more than that. I’m tempted to just have this week off and spend my weeks holiday making sure I’m properly rested and return to work fresh faced and eager(ish) the following week. If I make myself go back early then it might screw up my holiday if I don’t handle it very well. I just feel like I should be back and feel guilty for being off really.

So my holiday next week, if I am feeling alright, is going to be a cottage in Cornwall. We’re only going for a few days, but I’m very much looking forward to it. Since I’ve been with Sarah we’ve only ever holidayed abroad, which is great and all, but there’s a beauty to Devon and Cornwall that’s unmatchable. I cannot wait to get onto that beach and watch that sunset over the sea taking in the scents of the salty sea air. Maybe even with a cheeky fish and chips. It has to be done. It is the British way!

Actually about that; I’ve never felt more proud to be British than I have this year. We have had a fantastic unforgettable year. All the sport, Andy Murray reaching the Wimbledon final, Bradley Wiggins winning the Tour de France, England doing sort of ok in the Euros, and of course the whole of the Olympics. Not only did we host both a stunning opening ceremony and closing ceremony, we also did pretty damn well at the actual events as well, ending third in the medal table. And then there were all the Diamond Jubilee celebrations, all the concerts, the street parties, seeing the Queen passing through our city, it was just amazing.

I may need to stick the national anthem on and cry a proud tear. Excuse me. Actually “Land of Hope and Glory” is better, let’s put that on. That one gives me the chills. Seriously how is this not the national anthem?

Anyway, went off on a bit of a tangent there. It’s just been a good year to be British; I felt it needed to be said. Hopefully the Paralympics will also be a good watch.

More on topic, it’s worth mentioning that I did take some more pictures over the last few days, so you can expect to see them up some time in the future. I will upload the last of the ones from April and a teaser for these new ones!

This may well be my last entry before my appointment next month, so wish me luck. I will of course let you know how it went. Until then, thanks for reading!

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Night! X

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Drugged Up

August 22, 2012

Wednesday 22nd August 2012

10:29

Twice in one week?! You better believe it buddy!

I’ve just uploaded some of my April pictures to Flickr, there are more to come. Also there may well be some more from this week. While I am actually unfit to work, I should be fit enough to do a mini photo shoot.

Also I’ve had a few wigs through this morning. I’ve decided against human hair wigs for now, I can’t really justify the price of them, so I just got some fairly decent synthetic wigs. They actually feel really good, hopefully they look good on me, you’ll have to judge for yourself in like four months when I upload them! I will try my best to get some up this week. I won’t ruin the surprise by telling you the styles, but I will say that one in particular is unlike any I’ve owned before. One thing I have to make sure I do this time is care for them properly though. All but one of my old ones I’ve had to throw out just because they became matted and disgusting looking. Now I know why the care instructions don’t say ‘stuff clumsily into your bottom drawer’. I’ve ordered a couple of wig stands so that will help, there’s just the problem of keeping them out of the sight of prying eyes.

I went back to the doctors yesterday. They think I have the start of tonsillitis. I’ve had laryngitis before and I get the feeling they’re pretty similar. I can’t wait until I get the whole set, I can start placing houses and hotels on them then.

Basically it hurts to swallow, so I have to take a tonne of penicillin, paracetamol, ibuprofen and ‘difflam’ spray now. I feel like a drug dealer, except for the fact I’m the one taking it all. Like a drug dealer with a bad business model then I guess.

I have to go back in a couple of days and the doctor said if I’m not improving by then, I might have to go up to the hospital. She took a mouth swab which she is going to send off to check that it isn’t anything ‘exotic’ as she called it. I hope I do improve, but I have to be honest, I’m really loving not going into work. I don’t find the time to do this blog when I work. Granted I’d probably get pretty bored quite quickly, and I will say that the days all seem to merge together as well, but overall I’m still loving it.

I’m also supposed to be on holiday the week after next, so I’m not really that inclined to try and return to work before that. If I’m off until then I basically get a free week of recovery.

The one thing I’m not happy about though (apart from the whole pain thing) is that my workplace does not respond well to genuine illness. In a nutshell if I’m off more than three times in about three months, no matter how long for, you ‘trigger’. Also if you’re off for more than eight shifts in six months you will ‘trigger’ as well. Triggering basically means you will have to go to a meeting with your manager where they will pretty much always give you a written warning. Written warnings mean you won’t get any pay rises or bonuses for a year. This, in my opinion is a bit extreme. Granted I’ve only ever worked at this place, so this could be the same for many companies, but I don’t know, my family seems to think it’s unfair. I mean any company that punishes someone for having a genuine illness seems unfair.

Still, I guess I’m lucky to have a job at all in this climate, right?! Right?! It doesn’t stop me from disliking it though. I would love a different job, my problem is not knowing what I want to do, and not having any qualifications in whatever it is that I want to do.

Well I’ll leave it there. Here are those pictures!

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Night! X

Working It Out

May 4, 2012

Friday 4th May 2012

00:59

My next appointment is in August. They did offer me an earlier appointment but it’s pretty difficult to get a day off at work at such short notice. I’m ok with this. It’s not the clinic’s fault that my place of work is remarkably intolerant of their employees doing anything but work. In fact, work is right now the issue that has been occupying my mind most recently.

I’m going to try and sum this up as quickly and concisely as I can, but it’s pretty complicated, so please bear with me.

There are three tiers of employees at my work that you first need to be aware of. It may be a standard across many areas of work, I don’t know, I’ve only pretty much done this job. So for clarification purposes I’m just going to say them. There are Customer Assistants, Coordinators and Managers. I am, as you may have surmised, a customer assistant. My coordinator is a great guy, real nice and everything, it’s just he’s not the best. About a year ago he got demoted from manager and he’s been a less than stellar coordinator since then. No offence to the guy. If you’re reading this, I apologise, but I doubt that what I’ve just said is going to be his main concern once he sees my pictures and videos! As with almost all of my colleagues, he does not know about me.

Anyway, more recently he had been off ill for quite an extensive period of time with a slipped disk that may or may not have been sustained at work. Therefore my work was cautious to force him out of his position. They didn’t fully believe that his injury was all that it was cracked up to be, if you excuse the expression. Frankly, they had reason to as well, because whilst off ill, he had managed to acquire himself a job elsewhere. During his time off I had been elected to fill his shoes and I was happy to receive both the extra responsibilities and more importantly, extra pay. My manager was happy with me in that position and often mentioned how I was better than the actual coordinator. Eventually the ‘real’ coordinator came back, but only temporarily, as he came armed with his leaving notice.

A week passed and we said goodbye to the coordinator. It wasn’t all that long before my manager pulled me aside and asked if I’d be interested in his job permanently.

“Yes” was the general gist of my response.

Unfortunately though, the week before he left I had applied to another store as a coordinator there as it wasn’t 100% clear that there would be a position available to me at my current store. So I’d hedged my bets and just gone for it. My interview was due just after this other guy left. I went. I failed.

Things changed quite quickly after that. Apparently because the interview was a company standard, the same result applied at my current store, meaning I couldn’t then apply for another promotion for another six months. It’s funny how a fake role play session in an interview room holds more importance than the actual real world job which I’d previously been praised on.

The worst part is, if I hadn’t had gone for this other job first, I’d have had my interview in my current store with people that know me and the standard that I work to and they’d have probably just passed me on that alone. So my over enthusiasm for the job role ended up meaning I didn’t get it.

No wait, the worst part is that the reason they gave me for not passing the interview was simply because I was “too vague”, which ironically is a bit too vague in itself. During the role play I kept asking her if she understood, and everything was clear, and she said she was fine at the time. Then apparently looking back she decided I wasn’t clear enough and failed me. That wouldn’t happen in the real world. If I was being vague, the employee would have asked more questions at the time rather than going off and realising they didn’t know what to do.100_5408 (1)

No, actually the worst part is that I’ve previously passed this assessment before, but because I was suspected of stealing turkeys a few years ago I didn’t get the job then. So now I’m just heading backwards. I’m apparently not even as good as I was three years ago.

So since then, I’ve been dropped back down to customer assistant. I’ve also decided to apply to a different section altogether, just to get a change of scenery and get away from the people that I was in charge of. My current manager wasn’t exactly too happy about me leaving, but he couldn’t stop me. I don’t blame him for my predicament, it isn’t his fault at all, but he has been a little over-reliant on me and my flexibility recently. No that’s not a euphemism.

So I applied and got this job in the other section, which I’m pretty happy about as it gives me a lot more free time in the evenings and afternoons. My current manager and his manager have since offered me a different position on my current section, but I’m just not happy to continue down there any more. I’ve given so much, been promised so much and been delivered so little down there that I just wanted to get out of it.

So there you go. There’s my essay about how work has been treating me recently. I will say this; there are far worse things that can happen to you at work, and I’m not for a second saying what I’ve been through has been all that terrible. Hell if I ever come out at work I can probably tell you some of those stories, but until then I just have these quite unfortunate series of events to complain and whinge about!

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Night! X

Clinics, Cars, Claret and Caribous

August 29, 2011

Monday, 29 August 2011

00:03

It’s been the best part of two months since you last heard from me, but I am happy to admit that I am doing well, generally speaking.

A couple of things worth mentioning: I received a letter from the GIC (Gender Identity Clinic) in London with, essentially, an acceptance letter. I just had to send off my details within four weeks to register myself there. Apparently they get a lot of people that contact them asking for appointments that don’t actually get followed through, so they have to be vigilant of things like that.

So I sent off my details and last week I got another letter through confirming my first appointment. It will take place next February. I’d heard various stories about the length of time it took to get an appointment there, but this is about what I expected really. This is only one of the very first steps still and with the amount of cancellations and no-show-ers they must get I would expect this stage to be one of the fastest.

So yeah, that’s happening. I’m happy I’m finally doing something physical about this, but I’m not going to lie; I’m fricking scared! This is quite unlike anything I’ve ever done before, and I’d imagine most people that get these appointments can say something similar. I do still wonder if this is the right thing for me, I mean, I’ve been a lot less upset recently. Like I used to have times when it all got too much and I’d just break down, but that hasn’t happened for a while now. Is it because I’m doing something about it? Or is it something else? I do sometimes wonder whether I’m not just half way transgender. I know that seems bizarre, but I sometimes feel like I’m stuck right in the middle of being male and female. But then, if I look at it from a different angle it all seems completely different. For example, I think that if I had been born female, would I still be going to the GIC? And I think, absolutely not. So then maybe what I am stuck between is actually what is right for me, and what is easy for me. I know I say things like this all the time, because all the time this sort of stuff goes through my head. I know what is right for me, I just know that it’s also a whole lot of work and when it comes down to it, I don’t want a difficult life.

People have this sort of dilemma about all sorts of things. It is most definitely not something that only people like me have to deal with, and I understand that, but that doesn’t make it any easier. Would the difficult life be worth it? Who knows? I guess sometimes you do just have to take a gamble and just do it. I have a terrible habit of faffing about and over-analysing everything. Maybe things won’t work out as bad as I expect.

Anyway, let’s move away from my indecisive scrawl, and onto something a bit happier. I have passed my driving test, and I didn’t do very badly at all either. I’m not sure how the tests are marked in non-UK places but if you’re from the UK you’ll understand what I mean when I say I only got two minors. And they were both for not checking my right mirror when turning right. That was it. I was pretty proud of myself to be honest and since passing I’ve taken a few drives out around the area, and on only my second time out, I decided it was a good time to drive around a nearby safari park. Well I figured if I can manoeuvre around lions and rhinos with relative ease, the city streets will be a doddle!

So obviously I’m pleased about that, and now I can look more seriously at better jobs. Speaking of jobs, what I do now at work has somehow simultaneously become more boring and yet more complex. I now have to help customers around my section with any problems they have. That’s fine for the most part, but my section covers wine, and to be honest the most experience I have of wine is guzzling it down and feeling it’s joyous after effects, which is great, but when a customer asks what a particular wine tastes like, just saying “You guzzle it down and drunken joy ensues” is not enough. So I’ve been on a wine tasting course. Aren’t I the lucky one?!

It was good, but my god isn’t it pretentious?! We were taught how to smell the wine, how to look at the wine, how to taste the wine (but not swallow it) and how to examine your own spit afterwards and see the effects of tannin in your small plastic cup. It was interesting, I’ll give it that, and a lot of the information did help, but it was just a bit unnecessary in general. After all we’re not exactly going to taste every wine we sell, so I still have to boldly lie in the face of customers if they ask “Is this a good Rioja?”. My answer is usually “Yes, yes it is”. Seriously, what were they expecting me to say?

Sometimes that is all they need though. I remember in the first few weeks of my starting this job a customer came up to me and asked “What’s a good white?” and I literally had a quick scan of the shelf, pointed at one with a nice label, said “That one” and he went and bought a case of it! I didn’t even say it with much conviction, but obviously he didn’t really care. I hope it was a nice wine; we still do it so it can’t be that bad, although I have to say I’ve never seen him again! Oh well. I’m a bit better now.

I’m not a terrible worker by the way.

Seriously, hire me.

I like jobs.

Right that about does it for now, I am off to Corfu for a week. It’s very hard to complain about life with conviction when I’m off living the high life flying to Corfu, taking wine tasting courses… driving around safari parks etc etc.

 

Sarah introduced me to this song, no reason for picking it now other than the fact it has wine in the name. It’s a good song anyway!

Night! X

The Waiting Game

July 4, 2011

Monday, 4 July 2011

01:01

I’ve had my appointment at the doctors, and it went… well I guess. It was in many ways different to the time I did it previously. This time I had a male doctor to talk to and, to put it frankly; he didn’t exactly seem that confident talking about it. He seemed fairly unsure about it all and I’m not sure if that was because he didn’t really understand it or he didn’t agree with it, but that’s just the vibe I got from him.

I didn’t really have a lot to tell him that he didn’t already know either. Everything I’d said in the previous appointment was all there in front of him, so he basically just needed to judge my mental stability.

Thankfully he diagnosed me as a stable individual and he said there’s no reason psychologically why I couldn’t get a referral to the Gender Clinic. He mentioned that if I suffered from some kind of crippling depression or the like, then it would be unwise to refer me as I would be less likely to cope with all the after affects of the surgery, which certainly makes sense to me. There I was thinking that I wouldn’t get the referral because I wasn’t unhappy enough and it actually turns out to be the other way around.

So I got the referral. Or at least he said he’d give me a referral. I was hoping to have received a letter from the doctors by now, so I could have spoken about it on here as well, but so far nothing has turned up. It has been three weeks, and I think he said that I should allow more time than that for the letter to turn up, but I’d just like it now, I just want to know what’s happening. The letter is supposed to contain information on whether I’ve been accepted to be funded by the local council. He did mention that it has recently been a lot more likely that funding will be given, so I’m fairly confident about getting that.

This then led me to ask how many people have come in for the same issue as me, and he said that so far this year he’d had about five. He also mentioned that he thought that was quite a high number, but to be honest it’s not far off what I imagined it would be.

So here I am now, waiting for my letter to arrive. He mentioned that if I didn’t get the funding I could call the person that would deal with it directly and see if it could be sorted out from there, but unfortunately he also said that he’d send the number for that person through the post, and obviously so far I’ve received nothing. I really do just have to sit this one through.

Other than the appointment I have actually done a few other things. I celebrated my 24th birthday on the 10th of June and for it I went to see Jimmy Eat World live in London a week or so after. I have to say, they were damn good; would definitely recommend seeing them live if you like their music. To reflect how damn awesome they are I’ll link to possibly their most famous song, even if this isn’t exactly a true reflection of the style of the rest of their tracks.

I’ve also taken and passed my driving theory test and have booked my practical test for the 2nd of August. I am a bit nervous about it, but at the same time quietly confident. Hopefully passing it will open up my job prospects quite considerably even if I can’t afford a car right now. Just being able to drive would be a useful skill.

So there you go, just a quick update as to where I stand. I’m feeling fairly upbeat about it, and just getting on as normal with the rest of my life as this goes on. I cannot let this rule my life.

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Night! X

My Day, in a Roundabout Way

March 18, 2011

Friday, 18 March 2011

00:10

Well hello there, it seems I have found myself sitting in front of the computer in the early hours once more. It also seems that I have seen fit to spend this time typing my mind mumblings out onto the computer screen. So far in its (incredibly limited) wisdom, this is all that has actually managed to find its way from my brain to my fingertips. I guess this is the sort of thing that happens when you sit down to write something, not know what to write about and then proceed to write anyway.

I do know what I’m writing on here for, but I guess I’m trying to find a better reason. The main reason is that I’ve taken a few new pictures, but wait wait wait, don’t scroll down just yet, I’m sure I’ll find something fantastically terrific to talk about between then and the end. I must do! After all, look at this large amount of text in between here and the pictures! There must be something of at least slight interest in between then and now.

I’m going to tell you about my day. Why not?! That is I imagine what the whole point of a diary blog type thing. Can I call this a Blogiary? Urm, no, that makes me ill actually. Best not mess too much with the English language, it sure has taken a beating recently. But then again, when doesn’t it?! I’m probably breaking hundreds of grammar rules right now, making my whole point maybe a little ironic. Well at least my spelling isn’t carp.

Anyway, I need to tell you about my day. I was at work today, like any typical Thursday. It would have been totally like any other typical Thursday if I had not been asked to partake in a most peculiar task.

Sorry, I’m really giving this a bigger build up than it deserves. All I was asked to do was to go to a neighbouring town and fetch some more stock from another store. It really wasn’t anything more than that. But it did involve sitting in the front of a white van. Oh yeh, that’s right, for the day I was essentially a “White Van Man”. If you don’t live in the Great United Kingdom of Britain, you may not understand what I mean. Well, luckily we can break down and analyse the phrase fairly easily, in fact I’m going to assume you can work that out for yourself. The meaning behind it is that basically all “White Van Men” drive erratically and inconsiderately. In my case though, the white was more ‘dirt brown’, the van was basically a wreck, and I, well, I really do hate to think of myself as a man. But then again ‘Dirty Brown Wrecked Tranny’ sounds more like some kind of filthy porn. Something I really don’t want to see.

I have to say I really do hate the term tranny. It just sounds horrible. It’s probably because of the amount of times it is used for porn type circumstances. I always try to use the word transgendered whenever necessary, but to be honest, that last joke wouldn’t have been nearly as funny if I’d said that. In fact even the word transsexual seems to have negative vibes in my brain. I guess it makes it sound like a sexual orientation, so in that respect I can understand why people do sometimes not understand why gender identity and sexual orientation do not go hand in hand.

Well, there you go; I managed to find some magical combination of words to fill the space between the second paragraph and the pictures. Don’t you now just feel fantastic about life in general and enlightened beyond your wildest dreams? I hope you’ve not been completely baffled by me being in one of my weirder moods, but hey, at least I’m not upset!

Oh and if you wanted to know what happened at work: I went home and lived happily ever… err, rest of the day.

Ooh, one last thing before the pictures. I don’t think I have yet conveyed my love of the band ‘Air Traffic’, so please, consider this it. My song of the moment; ‘No More Running Away’.

 

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Night! X

And So it Begins… again

February 1, 2011

Tuesday, 1 February 2011

00:57

It was close call this week. I was determined to get to the Doctors at some point this week. At one point I thought I was going have to wait for another week, and it was for the most ridiculous sounding, but valid, reason. At the beginning of the week I was ill and therefore housebound. It wasn’t anything terrible, we worked out that it must have been a dodgy pizza that I’d ordered for take-away. We had eaten some pork that was out of date by two days a couple of days before, but Sarah insisted that it wouldn’t have been her cooking that got me ill! All the same I felt terrible and was doing the usual ‘kneeling over the toilet’ routine that I tend to do when feeling sick.

So I was off work for two days, and getting the doctors would have been a task not worth attempting. Especially considering the one I was registered at was about a mile away and I can’t drive.

But thankfully towards the end of this week I got better. Not completely, but enough. So yesterday, with my day off, I decided to register myself at a more local doctor’s. And when I say local, well, I can practically see it from my window. It is literally about 100m away. I mean if I was Usain Bolt (and was not intimidated by dual carriageways) I could be there in under 10 seconds. I’m not sure that there’s any other way I can convey the fact that this place is in the very near vicinity. Seriously it’s close. Very.

Anyway yes, so I trudged over to the doctors, filled out all my relevant forms and got myself an appointment for next Monday. This is it, I’m starting again. It has been about 2-3 years since the first time I tried, and I hope that this time I can get the funding. I realise that funding is a difficult thing to get in my situation, especially as I’m not into the whole self-harming suicidal tendencies that some transgendered people are. Which I guess is fair enough. The people that are more likely to kill themselves should really have priority. So anyway, yes, I’ll let you know how that goes after next Monday. If it’s anything like last time, they’ll refer me to a nearby clinic and then I’ll see where it goes from there. That is as far as I got the first time around. I’m also hoping Sarah can come in with me to the second discussion. Sarah is feeling understandably worried about me looking at doing this again. As we are at the moment, I can mostly hide myself when around her parents, but if I go through with this they will have to know.

This really bothers me, I have to say. I think it was bad enough telling my parents about it, but involving a family other than mine and making it an issue there just seems plain rude. I also don’t think they’ll take it too well, in fact Sarah thinks that they may make her choose between me and them. I obviously do not want that situation at all. I wish there was an easier way than this.

Well I think I’ll wrap it up there. The only other thing I wanted to say was that I am hoping to learn to drive this month and rather thankfully my parents have said that they’ll pay for my lessons. I’ve been reluctant to do it up until now, but now that I’ve actually decided to go ahead and do it I’m quite excited about it!

The pictures I’m putting up are a few I can’t believe I never uploaded the first time around. They are from June last year, so not exactly recent, but I think they’re alright all the same! I also don’t have any new ones…

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Night! X

Moving on Up!

January 18, 2011

Tuesday, 18 January 2011

10:56

I am finding it increasingly difficult to come on here and write a new entry. It feels like the longer I wait between posts, the more meaningful I have to make it. But life isn’t like the movies, something amazing and life-changing doesn’t happen everyday. Well not stuff that is movie worthy anyway. It sort of feels like I’m wandering through my days with glazed eyes, and still I do nothing about it. I’m not saying I’m wasting my life, I don’t feel that way. But it sort of feels like I’m not doing everything I want to do with it. But is that really so weird? Can you honestly say that you are glad with everything that you do right now? There are certain facts to life that include doing things that we don’t always want to, just to please others.

This is not me giving in, by the way. The situation I’m in is a difficult one, but it is neither unique nor the worst that people can experience. It just feels like there is no correct way to solve it. When it comes down to your happiness against a group of others, the answer seems to be obvious to me. You always put the other people’s happiness above your own. When you put it like that it sounds simple, but then, can you live with the consequences of that rational decision? Probably not.

On the other hand, when the only two solutions that present themselves are to be selfish, or have a possible lifetime of dissatisfaction, the solution seems so obvious again, but this time being selfish seems like the way to go.

Essentially each solution has its own pros and cons, and quite frankly I am a terrible decision maker. Seriously, I have problems choosing what to have for breakfast. It does feel a little like being thrown into the deep-end as soon as you leave education. It’s like up until that point you have been given a guided tour down a narrow path, and soon as the path ends, you’re pushed into an expansive field with absolutely no indication as to which direction to go. Some kids know what they want to do as soon as they pop out the womb it seems, but when I was younger I only ever half-heartedly stated I wanted to be an artist. There was one point that I was set on being a fairground ride designer, but that’s mainly because I played too much RollerCoaster Tycoon! I enjoy all sorts of things, but I’ve never really liked something enough to want to do it professionally, nor have I really got the skills to anyway.

I guess my problem is that I have very little direction in my life. I need to set myself some solid life goals and actually make sure I achieve them.

Ok, in the next two weeks I will, will, go back to the doctors to begin me on that road again. I will also have a look out for some better looking jobs. Also, let’s see if I can take some more pictures, and not just of myself.

Speaking of pictures of myself, here’s a few I didn’t upload from the last batch!

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Time to break free.

Night! X

A Case of the Ever Creeping Guilt

September 14, 2010

Wednesday, 14 September 2010

02:07

I know my work situation isn’t exactly exhilarating to read about, but I just thought I’d mention: My manager has offered me the role of “Coach”. It basically revolves around me training up new members of staff and running the induction courses for new Christmas temps. This struck me as a little odd as I am currently under the effects of a written warning, and in that it states that I would not receive any pay rises, nor would I be able to be promoted within the company until a year after my ‘mishap’. So how exactly would that work? Would they just not pay me again (like last time) or would they rather ironically breach policy just to get me into the role that they now need. Are they going with the ‘because we say so’ bit of the policy that I failed to notice in the small print of my warning?

You might wonder why I’m so annoyed at being offered promotion. Well there certainly is a bitter taste in my mouth reminding of me the last time that I took a ‘promotion’. That is certainly playing an important part of it. I have just generally lost a lot of faith in the company as a whole and I really would like to get out it.

So I turned it down. Not only because of all the bitterness, but I just plain didn’t want to do it. It’s the kind of thing I’m not comfortable doing. I would not like to talk in front of a group of people, telling them what to do. It’s just not my thing. Don’t get me wrong, I probably could do it. And I would end up a lot more confident, but I just don’t want the hassle at the moment.

So after they’d offered me the job, they then offered it to a few other people, one of them being my girlfriend. My girlfriend, being a very different kind of person to me, would enjoy talking to a group of people like that and so she accepted the offer. She’s done well to get offered a promotion within a year of being there, it only took me about three! She doesn’t have the job yet. She still needs to be assessed and then if she passes that she gets sent for a day training course and then if she passes that, she’ll have the job. I have all my faith in her and I’m sure she’ll do just fine. After all, I managed all of that and just failed at the last hurdle a couple of years ago.

On a different note, getting the time to dress and put on make up is, these days, a little hard to come by. I’m not sure why exactly, but it really does seem like I ‘doll up’ less now than when I used to at home. Sure, everyday I still wear girls stuff to bed, and if I manage to drag myself away from the computer or TV when I get in from work I do get changed then, but I barely ever put make up on. I don’t know if that’s because I feel like I don’t need to anymore; Sarah sees me as I really am so it doesn’t seem as important. Or is it because I’m getting past a ‘phase’ in my life? That’s the usual logic for hearing a child is acting in a transgendered way, ‘It’s just a phase’. Well, is that happening to me, just a bit later?

It was recently my Dad’s birthday and I picked what I thought to be a really nice card. It said something like “Now that I’m finding my own way in life, I realise how glad I am to have had someone to show me the ropes”. It was something like that, with a picture of a man and a boy both wearing cowboy hats. Probably looks better than it sounds. I tend to avoid the ones that say “From Your Son” and I don’t really even contemplate sending him one saying “From Your Daughter”! I think that even though I have all of these feelings, he will always be my Dad and when I was a child, I was his boy, and I appreciate everything he’s ever done for me, even if it’s been showing me traditionally ‘male’ things. I just find it very hard to talk to him now. It’s not really awkward, but you can tell what he must be thinking about me, and it is both a relief and a pain knowing that he knows.

I guess what I’m trying to get at in a very roundabout way, is that I still feel guilty for who I am. I know it is wrong to think that way; you don’t need to tell me. “Do what you feel is right” and all that. Well, what if I don’t know what is right? A lot of people can’t see into the future, how do they know that what they are doing is right? What do I want to do with my life? What will make me happy? I want to be successful, I want a happy family, I want to enjoy every day of my life. I want all of these things, but I do nothing to reach them. I feel like right now my life is just sat in a box in my cupboard. Maybe not that bad, because I am very happy with Sarah. I guess I’m just feeling a bit low. I’m starting to think writing this in the early hours of the morning whilst I wait for the sun to rise was probably a bad idea. It’s being alone with my mind that gets me the most upset. Being tired doesn’t help either.

Basically I have doubts all the time about what I should be doing with my life. I don’t know the right way to turn. I know what I enjoy and I know what I hate, I’m just not sure I know myself. I’m finding it very difficult to say this, and right now I don’t think I will upload this, but I’m just saying it to get things off my chest. I know I sometimes seem like I know what I’m doing, but I really don’t. My life is up in the air and you know what the saddest thing of all is? I don’t feel any more like Ella than I did when I started this blog.

I’m sorry. This post got a little derailed by some unforeseen depression. I hope I can get back to you soon with a happier toned entry, but right now I just don’t feel like it.

Night. X

Media Mania

June 8, 2010

Tuesday, 8 June 2010

00:46

Hey Ho. I’ve been having fun!

Last week I came back from a holiday that I absent-mindedly neglected to mention. It was great. Me and Sarah went to Turkey for a week, and for I’d say about 80% of it I was eating. Food is so cheap there compared to UK prices, so we really couldn’t help ourselves. Not only was it all fantastic and tasty, they pretty much gave you half a cow if you asked for meatballs or something, and then they’d throw on a salad that could be blamed for the worlds deforestation, and then sometimes a free dessert, which you couldn’t exactly turn down could you?! Not if they’d already brought it out to you and started spooning into your mouth?!

I’m kidding of course. There was a lot of food and I think I’ve made that clear now. The result from that, of course, is that I’ve gained a few pounds. Or at least I did. They have since been de-gained from going back to work and running around more than is probably necessary. So yes, I’ll give you a few pictures of the area I went to. It was Calis Beach, near Fethiye, if that means anything to you. Here you go…

IMG_1979 (1)

IMG_1993 (1) IMG_2006 (1)

The area was beautiful and I could have easily stayed another few days. Sarah, on the other hand, could have stayed another few years. I have to admit I was slightly missing being able to be Ella out there. Sure I had a few girly things for the hotel room, but most of the time we were out and about I had to be a guy. It wasn’t really enough for me, so I’m quite glad to be back and able to spend more than half my time being Ella again.

So that was my holiday. I did enjoy it a lot and I have to say it was nice to relax a bit after this whole work fiasco. I kind of needed a holiday after that.

But now I’m back into the swing of things again, and in fact today I was able to take a few new pictures, and (brace yourselves) make a new video. I decided to make one of those ‘transform’ male to female ones. It’s basically just me putting some make-up on (badly), and then showing a few pictures. It really isn’t anything special, but I don’t really have a lot of possibilities right now. To be honest it’s quite a big step to show you all my ‘male’ self, but I figured I’m about ready, so there you go. In actuality I don’t really look much different from my wigless photos, so it’s not actually that bad.

So here’s my video, this can also serve as my “Song of the Moment” as well. It’s quite apt and I hope all the haters listen out for the lyrics.

I’ll also add the last few photos from January I never got around to uploading as well as the ones that were on the end of that video.

IMG_1891 (1)IMG_1893 (1)  IMG_1903 (1)

IMG_2066 (1) IMG_2064 (1)

Phewy, there we go. That’s pretty much a media overload I think. I don’t really have a lot else more to say. Well ok, I don’t really have anything that I think is worth staying up past 2am to say. I could go on for hours, but I do have work tomorrow and it is once again the start of my 5 day run.

Something I will mention though. It is my birthday this coming Thursday, so that’s something to look forward to half-way through my week. I’ll be 23. Oh and that modelling thing I mentioned last time is looking to still be on, but I won’t be doing anything for a couple of months I’d guess. The people organising it are very busy people, and seem to barely have time to breathe, so they’ll fit me in when they’re good and ready.

I think that’s about all. I’ll be back soonish, hopefully with more of a word-based upload rather than all of this nonsense!

Night! X