Archive for the ‘Make-up’ Category

The Doctor Will GIC You Now

September 23, 2012

Sunday, 23 September 2012


It’s funny how trains make me feel nervous every time I use them. The same way that I associate airports with holidays, I relate trains with importance. If I’m on a train I’m probably doing something that’s pretty memorable or different, going to a new place or meeting people I’ve never met before. This last time was no different.

I took the train down to the fine city of London for my visit to the Gender Clinic last Thursday. This time I had rung up the day before to be sure my appointment hadn’t been cancelled… again, which it hadn’t thankfully, so I was happy about that but at the same time quite scared. This time it was actually going to happen. It has been a long time coming, not all of it due to waiting list times, some of it was due to my unavailability as well, but finally the day was here. Have I built it up enough yet? I think so.

So I had an appointment with Dr. Stuart Lorimer. I hope he doesn’t mind me naming him, I really don’t see why he would. Well I guess he may do if I started saying I thought he was an asshole, but he absolutely was not akin to any kind of human orifice whatsoever. He’s a really nice guy. He immediately put me at ease, he was friendly, he listened, and I felt like I could really open up with him. The appointment was basically another assessment of my case, as my first one was now several years ago. He just wanted to know if anything had changed between now and then. So there were all of the sorts of questions you’d expect. When did it all start? Who have you told? How did they react? Those sorts of things. One thing I was scared of was that he’d be constantly judging me, trying to read my thoughts or something, but if he was doing that, he was doing it very subtly!

So that hour passed by pretty quickly. I actually came away from it being incredibly relieved and happy. It is always good to get something off your chest anyway, but when it’s something that’s been there for as long as you can remember, and they completely understand what I mean, it feels fantastic!

I have a second assessment in January, so until then it’s pretty much back to how it was for the moment. I made a decision from that meeting that I am going to have to talk straight with my parents pretty soon to see where we all stand on the matter now. It’s been out there a while, it’s been given the chance to sink in, so hopefully any rage or upset will have subsided, but we will see I guess. Hopefully it’s not the sort of thing that festers over time, but even if it is we should probably get it out sooner rather than later anyway.

Lastly, Dr. Lorimer suggested I start on Finasteride due to my rapidly retreating hairline. Pretty much all of the older males in my family have long since lost the vast majority of their hair so he’s suggesting I start Finasteride to combat it. I am greatly considering it, but would be curious to hear some stories from people that may have used it in the past or are on it currently. I know most people probably don’t want to hear that the girl they see in the pictures on here is having issues with Male Pattern Baldness but I want to be as honest as possible without shaming myself!

Also lastly and actually unrelated to my trip down London town, at work we have just started employing a whole host of new people. I mention this because, now I’m not 100% on this, but I think one of the new starters could be a transsexual woman. Now this affects me in a few ways. First of all, excellent, my employer is happy to accept this (not that they really have a choice) so that bodes well for me if I wished to stay if I transition. Secondly, excellent, I may have someone very close to home that I can talk about all this and not be worried of repercussions. Thirdly, how do I go about introducing myself to her whilst remaining ‘undercover’? And fourthly, what if she recognises me? Now normally I wouldn’t expect her to. I mean it’s not like I’m immediately recognisable to every transsexual in Britain because I do this blog and post a few flickr pictures. My ego isn’t that swollen…yet. But it’s just the way she’s been looking at me. I don’t know, there’s a sort of hidden knowledge in her eyes. Yes I’m probably being paranoid. But let me just do this…

If you are this woman and know who I am; Hi! Sorry I’ve not come and greeted you properly. I’m sure you’ll understand as to why. I would very much like to chat with you but for the moment could it just be from the comfort of respective computer chairs? So if you do know and you want a chat then leave me a comment (please don’t feel like you have to!). However if you don’t know me, then you won’t be here reading this and I’ll be speaking to literally nobody at all. Hell, you might not even be transsexual; I may have missed the mark completely. Either way, I hope you enjoy working with us and I truly hope that you don’t get any sort of ‘hate’ related issues. It’s not so much the staff I’m worried about, it’s the minority of rude customers I’d be more concerned about. They can be devastatingly offensive given the option.

Anyway, that is about it from me today. I feel I have said enough!

Song of the Moment: Photosynthesis by Frank Turner.


It’s not so much just this song it’s all of his stuff. I’ve only recently discovered him and I’m having a bit of a secret love affair with him. Don’t tell Sarah.

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Night! X


Working It Out

May 4, 2012

Friday 4th May 2012


My next appointment is in August. They did offer me an earlier appointment but it’s pretty difficult to get a day off at work at such short notice. I’m ok with this. It’s not the clinic’s fault that my place of work is remarkably intolerant of their employees doing anything but work. In fact, work is right now the issue that has been occupying my mind most recently.

I’m going to try and sum this up as quickly and concisely as I can, but it’s pretty complicated, so please bear with me.

There are three tiers of employees at my work that you first need to be aware of. It may be a standard across many areas of work, I don’t know, I’ve only pretty much done this job. So for clarification purposes I’m just going to say them. There are Customer Assistants, Coordinators and Managers. I am, as you may have surmised, a customer assistant. My coordinator is a great guy, real nice and everything, it’s just he’s not the best. About a year ago he got demoted from manager and he’s been a less than stellar coordinator since then. No offence to the guy. If you’re reading this, I apologise, but I doubt that what I’ve just said is going to be his main concern once he sees my pictures and videos! As with almost all of my colleagues, he does not know about me.

Anyway, more recently he had been off ill for quite an extensive period of time with a slipped disk that may or may not have been sustained at work. Therefore my work was cautious to force him out of his position. They didn’t fully believe that his injury was all that it was cracked up to be, if you excuse the expression. Frankly, they had reason to as well, because whilst off ill, he had managed to acquire himself a job elsewhere. During his time off I had been elected to fill his shoes and I was happy to receive both the extra responsibilities and more importantly, extra pay. My manager was happy with me in that position and often mentioned how I was better than the actual coordinator. Eventually the ‘real’ coordinator came back, but only temporarily, as he came armed with his leaving notice.

A week passed and we said goodbye to the coordinator. It wasn’t all that long before my manager pulled me aside and asked if I’d be interested in his job permanently.

“Yes” was the general gist of my response.

Unfortunately though, the week before he left I had applied to another store as a coordinator there as it wasn’t 100% clear that there would be a position available to me at my current store. So I’d hedged my bets and just gone for it. My interview was due just after this other guy left. I went. I failed.

Things changed quite quickly after that. Apparently because the interview was a company standard, the same result applied at my current store, meaning I couldn’t then apply for another promotion for another six months. It’s funny how a fake role play session in an interview room holds more importance than the actual real world job which I’d previously been praised on.

The worst part is, if I hadn’t had gone for this other job first, I’d have had my interview in my current store with people that know me and the standard that I work to and they’d have probably just passed me on that alone. So my over enthusiasm for the job role ended up meaning I didn’t get it.

No wait, the worst part is that the reason they gave me for not passing the interview was simply because I was “too vague”, which ironically is a bit too vague in itself. During the role play I kept asking her if she understood, and everything was clear, and she said she was fine at the time. Then apparently looking back she decided I wasn’t clear enough and failed me. That wouldn’t happen in the real world. If I was being vague, the employee would have asked more questions at the time rather than going off and realising they didn’t know what to do.100_5408 (1)

No, actually the worst part is that I’ve previously passed this assessment before, but because I was suspected of stealing turkeys a few years ago I didn’t get the job then. So now I’m just heading backwards. I’m apparently not even as good as I was three years ago.

So since then, I’ve been dropped back down to customer assistant. I’ve also decided to apply to a different section altogether, just to get a change of scenery and get away from the people that I was in charge of. My current manager wasn’t exactly too happy about me leaving, but he couldn’t stop me. I don’t blame him for my predicament, it isn’t his fault at all, but he has been a little over-reliant on me and my flexibility recently. No that’s not a euphemism.

So I applied and got this job in the other section, which I’m pretty happy about as it gives me a lot more free time in the evenings and afternoons. My current manager and his manager have since offered me a different position on my current section, but I’m just not happy to continue down there any more. I’ve given so much, been promised so much and been delivered so little down there that I just wanted to get out of it.

So there you go. There’s my essay about how work has been treating me recently. I will say this; there are far worse things that can happen to you at work, and I’m not for a second saying what I’ve been through has been all that terrible. Hell if I ever come out at work I can probably tell you some of those stories, but until then I just have these quite unfortunate series of events to complain and whinge about!

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Night! X

Taking the Right Road

May 9, 2011

Monday, 9 May 2011


So, I was supposed to have an appointment at a nearby Mental Health Clinic on the 4th. It didn’t happen in the end, but not because I pulled out or anything. Rather ironically the doctor called in sick, so I got the receptionist ringing me in the morning telling me they had to rearrange an appointment. They have done so and I now have to wait again until the 15th June. I’m not too bothered about it to be honest. This whole thing is a ridiculously long process anyway so an extra month’s wait isn’t really that big of a deal.

I have been having doubts here and there about it all, but it inevitably comes back around to being what I want to do. I know it’s not a simple thing to do, but I also know I would always regret it forever more if I did nothing. That alone is reason enough.

Other than that not a whole lot of blog-worthy things have happened. I’m getting on at work, doing more than I’m being paid for and yet still being paid less than other people at my level thanks to turkey-gate the Christmas before last. Still hoping for a promotion, but at the same time looking around for more work, albeit not that thoroughly.

I still don’t really know what I want to do, job-wise. I still love writing, but I also never feel like it. I love playing the piano, but my keyboard stays stubbornly under the bed. The only job worthy skill I have is being adept in the use of computers, which would have been great fifteen years ago, but these days it’s kind of just expected of you.

I think what I really need is a bit of self discipline. I need to set aside time each day to do something productive that isn’t just cleaning and tidying. I say I should do this, but I sort of feel now that I probably won’t. I can barely make myself come on here to type this up; even now Family Guy is on and my right eye and ear is mostly focused on that.

My Mum always told me to not just let things happen. Don’t wait for things to come to you, you need to go out there and find them. Unfortunately up until this point in my life, I haven’t really gone out of my way all that much to be where I’m at today, so therefore I’ve never really learnt that lesson. I think it’s time I started to pay attention to some of the things my Mum told me when I was younger.

Oh yes, there was another thing to tell you all. I’ve had my hair cut. I have to be honest, it did need it, but if it were completely down to me I probably wouldn’t have cut it as short as it is now. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not short short. It can still pass for a female cut, but I have a family wedding to go to at the end of the month and I need to look smart for it. Fair enough it wasn’t really smart before, but I do miss the length.

There is a bit of a story behind my cut as well. It was actually two cuts. The first time I went to a unisex (although mainly female) salon and asked for a “shaggy style” cut to just over my ears and with a fringe. The hairdresser did not speak English very well. I walked out the salon with a fairly obvious ‘bob’ cut, and no fringe.

I thought it looked pretty good despite it being completely different to what I asked for. But it was patently obvious that it was a girls cut and the next few days I got quite a bit of playful teasing about it at work. I decided that, excuse the pun, my hair wasn’t exactly going to cut it with my family at the wedding, so I headed off to a men’s salon and got it done by someone that could speak my language and I came out with something resembling the description I’d requested when I walked in.

That is there-and-abouts the story of my hair. I am not unhappy with it, but I do miss how long it was before.

That is about all I have to say. I’ve just had a lovely week off work, so I’m feeling pretty chilled out all round. We haven’t really been out to do much as we have next to no money, but it was a good week in all.

Here’s my Song of the Moment and there’s also a couple more pictures from that last batch. Hopefully there’ll be some more new ones soon.


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Night! X

The Barbershop Cold Sweat

October 13, 2010

Tuesday, 12 October 2010


Thank you to those of you who replied to my last blog. I hope it doesn’t seem like I write these things on my blog just so I can receive some attention and reassurance, that really isn’t why I do this, but all the same, it is very much appreciated. I have been writing this diary for a long while now; my first entry was just over 4 years ago. It seems like longer than that if I’m honest. I started writing for me, but I figured that some people would appreciate reading that someone is going through the same things they are. Also I can’t see the harm in getting people that would otherwise be unaware of our issues to see what we go through. It isn’t life threatening sure, and there’s too many other people out there with terrible lives that have probably never even dreamed of questioning whether they were born in the wrong body or not. I am privileged, I do realise that and I do feel quite selfish for complaining and getting upset over quite frankly relatively menial issues when compared to others.

So with that in mind, I’ve decided to be more cheerful today! It really is about time I stopped crying my way through my youth and started enjoying it a bit more. I know I should.

So on Monday, to start me off, I got a new haircut! Wait, hold up, unfortunately it was not in a women’s salon and it did not involve any fancy stuff. It was a simple walk in men’s barbers 10 minute jobby. But I have to say, given how long my hair has got, he did a pretty good job at tidying it up. It is a little shorter than it was, but looks much better, and if anything, looks more feminine, so I’m not unhappy with it! I will have to show you these new pictures I took. Yes, I actually have new pictures. Shocker.

Finding a salon was a little tricky though. Well I say tricky. Most people would have probably been able to manage it by simply walking into their nearest salon, but no, not me. I wandered around in a seemingly aimless manner assessing all possible relevant businesses. First of all I checked all my usual salons, and for some unknown reason they’re all shut on a Monday. Not sure why, but fine, things like this happen, I’ll just pick a new one. So I scout around for a good cheap unassuming barbers. There were the ones that made my wallet sweat from looking at the price list and then there were the ones that I could pretty much smell the word ‘scummy’ just from walking past it. I decided that neither of these extremes would hack it. So I thought, instead of just choosing a decent looking one at random, I’ll head back to my flat (in the town centre) and look up reviews of the local salons on the computer. Why not? I was bored and that is what the internet is there for right?! So I did a bit of research and plotted my course. I made sure I didn’t pass by any salons that might have already seen me looking in their window because they might find me odd. Hell, they probably do anyway, but that’s not the point. Being some long haired guy peeking longingly through the windows of salons might give the impression that I’ve been there for months and forgotten how to get in or something.

So yes anyway, I made my way to this new salon that the internet had reassured me was good. Well there were a couple of negative reviews, but when isn’t there really? It seems like for every product for sale on the internet someone somewhere has had their life ruined by it and feel the need to ‘One Star’ or ‘Thumbs Down’ the relevant product, spouting hateful phrases like “DO NOT BUY, DOES NOT WORK!” as if they’re whole life is now devoted to conspiring against whatever the product may be. Too many things these days seem to need to be rated or voted for by the public. You might even say that everything has become overrated. Then again, you might not; it’s up to you apparently.

Anyway, yes, I turned up at this well reviewed location and it too turns out to be closed on Mondays. I subsequently panicked and walked quickly back home. It was about this sort of time that I realised I was being utterly stupid. For some reason I seem to lack the confidence to even walk into a salon in guy mode and get a hair cut! How hard should it be?! So I got up again, walked with purpose into a randomly picked salon and got my damn hair cut, and it was not a scary experience at all! What was I worried about? If I have these kinds of issues living as a guy what am I going to be like as a girl? If I’m already so self-conscious it’s unreal, I’ll probably never be able to bring myself to leave the house if I transitioned!

This is but one of the issues I have to get over, no matter what I end up doing in the future. Confidence should be gained through life experiences and I do (surprisingly) feel more confident with myself now than I ever have done.

Sorry about going on for about four paragraphs about a simple haircut, but I thought I would be honest about how ridiculous I can be sometimes so I can look back at this in the future and laugh at my current self. I did just look back at my first entry and got much the same reaction. I was being overly dramatic about an invasive crane fly and judging by the way I’d written it, it seemed like the most unfortunate thing in the world that could ever happen to anyone ever! I’m not so much like that anymore. Sure I have bouts of silliness when it comes to conversing with my fellow human, but I am better than I was, and despite what I said in my last blog about being no more Ella than I was when I started, I sure am a much better me. And being a better, happier me is all I should really be working towards.

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Night! X

Decisions Decisions

August 14, 2010

Saturday, 14 August 2010


And there it went.

So, I pulled out. I decided it wasn’t for me. I’m a bit of a tease really aren’t I?! Yeah, I decided against it because, well there’s several reasons. First off it was becoming apparent that I would have needed to be going away for the weekend quite often and I can’t be constantly running away from my loving girlfriend all the time. I’m lucky to have her in the first place and to put that in jeopardy would be a ridiculously silly thing to do, I’m sure you understand.

Second reason: Seen as I would be going away quite often I would need to constantly make up stories to tell both mine and Sarah’s parents when I couldn’t go to either for a Sunday roast. I had to do it the one time for that photo-shoot and I immediately remembered how much I hated intentionally misleading people. Partly because I’ve been doing it all my life and it can never be a good thing to get back into that, and partly because I’m not very good at lying. Which is also basically my third reason:

I’m not very good at acting. And I believe that would have developed into a bit of a necessity! Granted I’ve never actually tried acting, and I’m always told it’s not that hard, but I figure that if there are some whole schools dedicated to it then it can’t be one of those things that you can just “blag your way through”. Well you could, but it could end up looking like a bad acted porno. Which leads nicely onto my last reason.

Whilst not technically porn, it was close enough for me to reconsider. It’s what it’s all about even if I wasn’t going to be showing more than I already have. I made a promise to myself several (hundred) posts ago that I would never do anything porny, and I think I should stick to my principles. Well if I don’t who else is going to?!

I think that’s all the reasons I have to be honest. I do wish the crew the best of luck and I hope that it all works out well. They really are a nice bunch of people and if any of you are considering modelling for them and are sure you want to do it, just go for it. I look forward to seeing the kind of things they make.

What? I will. I watch porny things, why not? Well actually I don’t, I read it. And that’s all I have to say on the matter…

Every time I write porny it just makes me wonder if there’s ever been a porn film called “My Little Porny”.

Google says no, but apparently it was front page news in Bristol (?!)

Oh and there’s a quiz based on this very concept. But when isn’t there?

(I got 2 out of 12!)

Sorry, my mind does wander sometimes. I think I need to ban myself from using Google when I’m writing one of these, it really does interfere. Within about 5 minutes I’d have been viewing the history of sporks for no particular reason.

So yes anyway, my main point is that I won’t be carrying on with my modelling, at least in this way. I would like to do modelling that’s, say, more family-friendly though.

Some possible good news; Sarah now works earlies whilst I’m working lates, so whilst it’s not exactly great for us, the good thing is that I might be able to write up on here a little more often. Just don’t expect pictures everytime! I unfortunately don’t get that much time to dress with make-up. I will continue to upload a few unseen photos from the shoot though.

That’s enough for now, I have more to say, but if I keep them for another entry it might actually make me do it!

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Oh yes, I almost forgot, here’s a song of the moment. Well it was 2 months ago, but it’s still relevant. One of my favourite songs ever, it really is quite beautiful.


Night! X

July 15, 2010

Tuesday, 14 July 2010


Ok, here goes.

This is exciting. Exciting, but still pretty nerve-wracking! I’ve had a professional photo shoot done for a new website, along with a couple of videos. I think I’ll just go ahead and show you them. There’s not a whole lot of point beating around the bush. First off, there’s this. It’s a video of my photo shoot.


Different look right? Never thought blonde would suit me as much as it did, but then I did used to be blonde when I was younger so I guess it makes sense.

Ok, and here are a few of the photos that came out of it.


So, the website, in case you haven’t guessed by now is What it hopes to do is create non-explicit transgender fantasy films. I’m sure some of you will be familiar with Fictionmania, and that’s basically what this is but with films instead of stories. They are currently looking for more models/actors to star in their films, so why not go for it if you want to!

I hope this project does work out well for the people involved, whether I’m part of it or not. I think it will as well, it does seem like something that’s lacking on the internet, or anywhere for that matter.

I don’t think I’m going to go on and say much more for now. Yesterday I had a 13 hour night shift and I’m feeling a little tired today, what with my messed up sleep pattern, so I don’t really feel like staying up much longer. I think what I’ve given you is enough stuff to peruse for now anyway. I look forward to hearing your feedback about it all!

One thing I will just say, yes I know, I really need to sort out my voice. I really do hate it, and what is more annoying is that I think I sometimes sound ok, but then listening back to my voice on a recording just makes it sound ridiculous and very deep. If I’m going to be in any of these films, or even just in day to day life I’m going to need to train my voice.

Oh yes, I’m also aware that the last video I uploaded is only available in the states because of the music licensing stuff. I will sort this out one way or another soon, but until then, just treat it like any major film release; in America they usually come out several months before it comes to other parts of the world. I’ve never understood why that happens, can they not take too much money in one week or something? Wallets not big enough?!

Anyway, I’m going to bed.

Night! X

Media Mania

June 8, 2010

Tuesday, 8 June 2010


Hey Ho. I’ve been having fun!

Last week I came back from a holiday that I absent-mindedly neglected to mention. It was great. Me and Sarah went to Turkey for a week, and for I’d say about 80% of it I was eating. Food is so cheap there compared to UK prices, so we really couldn’t help ourselves. Not only was it all fantastic and tasty, they pretty much gave you half a cow if you asked for meatballs or something, and then they’d throw on a salad that could be blamed for the worlds deforestation, and then sometimes a free dessert, which you couldn’t exactly turn down could you?! Not if they’d already brought it out to you and started spooning into your mouth?!

I’m kidding of course. There was a lot of food and I think I’ve made that clear now. The result from that, of course, is that I’ve gained a few pounds. Or at least I did. They have since been de-gained from going back to work and running around more than is probably necessary. So yes, I’ll give you a few pictures of the area I went to. It was Calis Beach, near Fethiye, if that means anything to you. Here you go…

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The area was beautiful and I could have easily stayed another few days. Sarah, on the other hand, could have stayed another few years. I have to admit I was slightly missing being able to be Ella out there. Sure I had a few girly things for the hotel room, but most of the time we were out and about I had to be a guy. It wasn’t really enough for me, so I’m quite glad to be back and able to spend more than half my time being Ella again.

So that was my holiday. I did enjoy it a lot and I have to say it was nice to relax a bit after this whole work fiasco. I kind of needed a holiday after that.

But now I’m back into the swing of things again, and in fact today I was able to take a few new pictures, and (brace yourselves) make a new video. I decided to make one of those ‘transform’ male to female ones. It’s basically just me putting some make-up on (badly), and then showing a few pictures. It really isn’t anything special, but I don’t really have a lot of possibilities right now. To be honest it’s quite a big step to show you all my ‘male’ self, but I figured I’m about ready, so there you go. In actuality I don’t really look much different from my wigless photos, so it’s not actually that bad.

So here’s my video, this can also serve as my “Song of the Moment” as well. It’s quite apt and I hope all the haters listen out for the lyrics.

I’ll also add the last few photos from January I never got around to uploading as well as the ones that were on the end of that video.

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Phewy, there we go. That’s pretty much a media overload I think. I don’t really have a lot else more to say. Well ok, I don’t really have anything that I think is worth staying up past 2am to say. I could go on for hours, but I do have work tomorrow and it is once again the start of my 5 day run.

Something I will mention though. It is my birthday this coming Thursday, so that’s something to look forward to half-way through my week. I’ll be 23. Oh and that modelling thing I mentioned last time is looking to still be on, but I won’t be doing anything for a couple of months I’d guess. The people organising it are very busy people, and seem to barely have time to breathe, so they’ll fit me in when they’re good and ready.

I think that’s about all. I’ll be back soonish, hopefully with more of a word-based upload rather than all of this nonsense!

Night! X

Best Blog-Post-About-Being-Suspended-From-Work-By-Someone-Named-Ella of the Decade…ever!

December 31, 2009

Thursday, 31 December 2009


Here we are, last day of the year. It’s been quite a big one for me. Year that is, not day. I could summarise everything that’s happened to me since this time last year, but a) I don’t remember, b) You could just read the few posts I’ve done this year if you were really interested, and c) Nobody really likes “End of the Year” clip show recap kind of things. I know this because right now every other show on TV and article on the internet is one. There’s all these awards going around I doubt there’s anything that doesn’t have an award, and even then they’d probably receive an award-less award or something.

It’s also worse this year because there’s “Best of the Decade” awards as well. Don’t get me wrong I do like some of them for introducing me to new things I may have missed, but there seems to be this constant desire to rank everything. And then you get the people that disagree with an order of ranking and kick up a fuss. For goodness sake people, just enjoy what you enjoy and stop trying to convert everyone to the same views you have. It’s as bad as religion.

Hmm, religion. Yeh, I’m not going to go there.

So anyway, I have recently been suspended from work. For something that wasn’t my fault I’d like to add. They told me I shouldn’t be telling anyone about this, so keep this quiet, internet. Basically I was suckered into breaking our rules without me realising. I won’t go into too much detail, just in case, but I was effectively set up, and the only thing I’m guilty of is being an idiot by not noticing it. An investigation into it is currently ongoing, but if my interview was anything to go by, I’ll find out the verdict in about May. I couldn’t quite believe that they could ask me enough questions to constitute the 4 ½ hours interview I had. Well in fact they didn’t. Most of the time was me sitting around waiting for the interviewer to come back and then ask me the same question again. It was a bit ridiculous. It also made me cry, which is the second or third time I’ve broken down crying in front of people at work. I’m just not a very strong person in confrontational situations, and can very easily be intimidated. Unfortunately me crying seemed to make them believe I may have a guilty conscience. Ah well, if it comes out at the end of this that I’m guilty I definitely won’t be leaving it at that, I’ll bring in the big boy lawyers to seek justice. Then I’ll find another job.

So apart from possibly being sacked, I’m not doing bad. I had a great Christmas. My parents are still not acknowledging my transgenderism at all, and still insist on getting me typically ‘boy’ presents. I do like some of it, but that’s not the point, it’s that they’re just pretending I’ve never told them that bugs me. Fortunately though, my girlfriend Sarah got me nothing but typically ‘girl’ presents. Some pink bootie slippers, a big box of Boots No.7 cosmetics and creams, and a beautiful ring amongst other things. My friend Laura also got me a really nice necklace and a pair of pink patterned socks. It’s been great, I’ve loved everything I got. I got a lot of fancy chocolate too; right now I’m eating some Cocoa Dusted Chocolate Truffles, sipping Champagne, and laughing patronisingly at the lower classes.

I’m kidding.

I am eating the truffles, but that’s because I’m hungry and it’s too late to cook anything, and a lot of the dusty cocoa is going down my top, so yeh, it’s not quite as grandiose as I led on.

That’s 6 down, 24 to go.

Om Nom Nom Nom.

The longer I’m here writing this the smaller that 24 will get and the bigger my tummy will get, along with the size of my regret tomorrow morning when I’m leaning over the toilet, sick from excessive chocolate consumption. Never had that to be honest.

Well, there’s a first time for everything

Om Nom Nom Nom.

It is getting a bit late. You can tell it quite easily if you’ve got the TV on. When the only thing on that you want to watch are music channels, you know it’s time for a kip.

Oh, I better just say, I’ve been messing around with the domain name, and it’s gone a bit funky, so if you use that to find me use this address for now(, I’ll see if I can get it fixed, but my domain maintenance skills are somewhat lacking. I’d also like to get myself a proper hosted webpage, but I don’t yet have the expendable cash for it and this is uninteresting!

Ok, I’ll leave it there, here’s a few pics, and my song of the moment. It’s not exactly Christmassy, I’m just loving it.

IMG_1807 (1) IMG_1815 (1)

Hope you had Happy Holidays and have a Great New Year.

Night! X

Another Brick out of the Wall (Part 1)

June 17, 2009

Wednesday, 17 June 2009


What a week! I had a great birthday. Didn’t do a lot on the actual day, just had a few people stay over with a few drinks and everything. Was good, didn’t really plan for much else anyway.

For presents, I mostly got money from my family, in fact the only ‘solid’ presents were from Sarah, and I very much appreciate all of them. The main present was a beautiful white gold necklace which I absolutely love. I have very little jewellery. In fact that necklace is my jewellery collection in its entirety. Everything else I use is ‘borrowed’ from Sarah’s side of the bedroom. But that’s ok as Sarah doesn’t really wear any anyway.

So yes, on the Friday morning, with that necklace stashed safely away in my suitcase (along with at least half of my wardrobe) me and Sarah headed down to London for the weekend. I was feeling confident on the Friday morning and I felt that I was going to be able to go out in public dressed as Ella for the first time.

We got to the hotel without too much hassle and I, at that point, was still feeling ok about it. I started feeling like I was actually going to do this. So, for a dry run, Sarah and I planned to scout around the local area for a nice place to eat. So I chose an outfit that didn’t give too much away, put it on, did my makeup and popped on my wig. After much deliberating and annoying Sarah by saying “Do I look alright?” every ten seconds, I decided I was ready. I looked ok, but I still didn’t know if I was passable or not. Sarah insisted I was, but I remained uncertain. But still I went for it. We stepped outside our hotel room, walked our way down to the lobby and straight through to the street.

And now the tricky part. It was about 7pm or something on a Friday night, and because we were pretty much right in the middle of the financial district, there were a lot of people in business attire who’d clearly gone straight from work to the pub for a few ‘weekend welcoming’ drinks. I was a bag of nerves but I did my best to hide it. We walked straight past these people drinking outside the pub and I got my first reason to celebrate of the day. Nobody shouted any rude comments or stared at me peculiarly, or stabbed me with a fork, nothing like that. Not even stabbed with a fork! I was feeling good!

We headed our way through more busy streets and still nobody really raised an eyebrow. Well there were a few guys that looked at me, but Sarah insisted that they were checking me out, but I’m not so sure. I think I blatantly obviously looked like a guy dressed as a girl, but maybe that’s just because I know that that’s true, and I’m looking for that. I don’t know, but I still obviously wasn’t feeling wholly comfortable with the situation. It wasn’t just the looking female, it’s the whole walking the right way, how you hold your body and also, the voice. Now I’ve never really practiced any of those things, so talk about throwing me in the deep end. I mostly tried to stay silent, much to Sarah’s annoyance. I also decided to carry Sarah’s handbag as well as it seemed to give me a nice barrier to hide behind, also it gave me something to do with my hands.

Luckily I didn’t have to talk to anyone and soon enough we found a nice place to eat. A place called Bertorelli. I always love Italian food and despite the fact Sarah works in an Italian restaurant and avoids eating pasta like the plague, she let me go there. It was probably because of the paranoia induced panic attack I was having. No I’m kidding. I was nowhere near that bad. In fact by that time I was kind of enjoying it. To be honest I think I probably did pass ok to the glancing eye. It was the people supposedly checking me out that scared me. It did at times feel like everyone’s eyes were on me, trying to pick away at my attempts to blend in.

Actually, it was probably not a good idea to wear what I was wearing. It wasn’t exactly “blend-in-erific”. I had decided on a pair of girl jeans, which was fine, and a pair of flat black shoes, which was also fine. What was possibly less fine was the recently purchased multicoloured fitted blouse I was wearing that was a little too small for me, at least around the boobs department, if you get my drift. Basically the yellow t-shirt I wore underneath was necessary so that I didn’t show too much of my assets that I didn’t exactly have. The look was good, but maybe a little too good for the first time out in public when all you really want to do is blend in. Maybe I didn’t, maybe I wanted people to notice me. Maybe. So maybe I like a little attention…

But yes anyway. We made it back to the hotel fine. And pretty much straight away I started getting ready for the meal. I wanted to wear something else I’d bought recently, but Sarah thought a hot pink cocktail dress was a little too much for this place! So I just put on a knee length denim skirt and a stripy t-shirt and apparently that was sufficient.

It was as well, because when we turned up we were literally the best looking people there. We were also the only people there. I didn’t know if that was a good thing or not. I didn’t want to go to some independent restaurant because I didn’t want them fussing over us all the time, but I didn’t really want to go to a massive chain either because I would hate to have been sat in a room feeling like there’s a thousand and one eyes on me. (That’s five hundred people and a pirate).

But no, this place was empty. I mean completely. There was a waitress and a cook, and us two. That was pretty much it. I think I saw a moth at one point, but I could have been imagining it up for effect. You know what though, the food was fantastic. We didn’t have pasta at all, Sarah made me try veal for the first time. And to be honest I liked it. It was breaded though, and pretty much anything breaded tastes alright. But yes, we really really enjoyed the meal. Either they believed I was a girl, or they knew and they were being very polite with me. I can honestly say it was a fantastic meal though. It was a little expensive but it would be if you get starters and a bottle of wine too. I was very happy with it and would recommend it to anyone that’s doing the same kind of thing as I was that weekend. The only reason it was so quiet is because it is right smack in the middle of the financial sector and it was still a little early. The food was fantastic. Sarah agreed, and she knows these things, seriously go there. Go. Now.

So that was a great day. I had been hugely successful with being out as Ella in public for the first time and apparently not getting outed, and I had a great birthday meal with my girlfriend. It was a great start of the weekend until…. (dun, dun, derrrrr….) *

Now I am getting tired so I’m going to have to split this weekend entry up into a couple. I’ll hopefully be able to get on and finish my story in the next few days. I am slowly breaking down this masculine wall that I’ve hidden behind for years. Just wish I had a goddamn bulldozer!

Here’s a newish pic for your troubles…

*Cliff-hanger may or may not be real

Night! X

With Friends Like These…

November 22, 2008

Saturday, 22 November 2008


It’s been a good week. The showing myself to my friend, Sarah, went well, very well in fact. I turned up at her door fairly early in the morning. (You can tell I was eager, ‘early in the morning’ isn’t usually in my vocabulary!). After about 15 minutes of awkwardness to begin with, understandably I think, I plucked up the courage and asked her if she wanted to see what I had. She then got very excited and had a look.

Unfortunately all I actually have is one blouse, one skirt, one pair of tights and an Alice in Wonderland costume. Not exactly an expansive wardrobe. I started off by showing her the costume, as I’d already told her about it and that I’d planned to wear it on Halloween if I could have got the night off. So I went upstairs, changed in her bedroom, put on my wig and went back down. It was a nervous moment, walking back into her living room, but I came in, she complimented me and I went over and hugged her. It was the best I could have hoped for really. She then mentioned makeup and ran up the stairs, I followed her and she then started to prettify me! She really did seem to be enjoying things by this point. After she’d done and I’d applied my own mascara, I looked back in the mirror and felt relieved that I looked ok. The last thing I wanted was to look bad for my first showing! I showed Sarah and she seemed so happy. She could not compliment me enough, telling me I look prettier than all of our female friends. I did not expect this much and did begin to go quite shy. If there’s one thing I can’t do well, it’s taking compliments.

After a while I got my camera out, after all I didn’t want to miss an opportunity like this. So I handed it to Sarah and we got shooting. Sarah was having a great time being let loose with my camera, while I was still finding it difficult to feel comfortable. I realised having your picture taken is a lot more embarrassing than taking them yourself!

She then let me try on some of her clothes in her wardrobe. She didn’t have loads, but there were some very pretty dresses in there. First of all I tried on some of the clothes she’d grown out of, and they were all pretty nice. A pink blouse with a pair of tight jeans seemed to work especially well. Shame they were still a little big for me though. The jeans were a couple of inches too long and the waist could have been a little smaller, but still I couldn’t exactly complain.

After getting through half of her wardrobe and taking pictures of each outfit I tried on, she then told me that I could actually keep some of the things she’d grown out of. I was unsure at first, more of places to hide them than actually whether I wanted them or not; of course I wanted them. She wouldn’t let me leave without them, she said, so I agreed and took a couple of outfits back home with me.

So yes, it was a good day, she didn’t care at all and said she’d love to do this again and go shopping with me once she’s got another job. Fantastic!

As well as that, through sheer luck I had a day to myself on Thursday. My parents were heading out for the day Christmas shopping in a nearby city. I took this as a great opportunity to put on my new outfits and get camera happy again.

As you can imagine I now have quite a few photos to upload, I haven’t even finished uploading the photos from August yet. I’ll do four tonight, instead of the usual two. That should get me nearly back on track!

So there we have it. In my books, that’s a pretty good week. Shame things in the future don’t look so nice. Back to work next week and then after that I’m starting on my nightshift. Bye-Bye social life, Bye-Bye Sun, Hello extra money!

Night! X