My Day, in a Roundabout Way

March 18, 2011

Friday, 18 March 2011

00:10

Well hello there, it seems I have found myself sitting in front of the computer in the early hours once more. It also seems that I have seen fit to spend this time typing my mind mumblings out onto the computer screen. So far in its (incredibly limited) wisdom, this is all that has actually managed to find its way from my brain to my fingertips. I guess this is the sort of thing that happens when you sit down to write something, not know what to write about and then proceed to write anyway.

I do know what I’m writing on here for, but I guess I’m trying to find a better reason. The main reason is that I’ve taken a few new pictures, but wait wait wait, don’t scroll down just yet, I’m sure I’ll find something fantastically terrific to talk about between then and the end. I must do! After all, look at this large amount of text in between here and the pictures! There must be something of at least slight interest in between then and now.

I’m going to tell you about my day. Why not?! That is I imagine what the whole point of a diary blog type thing. Can I call this a Blogiary? Urm, no, that makes me ill actually. Best not mess too much with the English language, it sure has taken a beating recently. But then again, when doesn’t it?! I’m probably breaking hundreds of grammar rules right now, making my whole point maybe a little ironic. Well at least my spelling isn’t carp.

Anyway, I need to tell you about my day. I was at work today, like any typical Thursday. It would have been totally like any other typical Thursday if I had not been asked to partake in a most peculiar task.

Sorry, I’m really giving this a bigger build up than it deserves. All I was asked to do was to go to a neighbouring town and fetch some more stock from another store. It really wasn’t anything more than that. But it did involve sitting in the front of a white van. Oh yeh, that’s right, for the day I was essentially a “White Van Man”. If you don’t live in the Great United Kingdom of Britain, you may not understand what I mean. Well, luckily we can break down and analyse the phrase fairly easily, in fact I’m going to assume you can work that out for yourself. The meaning behind it is that basically all “White Van Men” drive erratically and inconsiderately. In my case though, the white was more ‘dirt brown’, the van was basically a wreck, and I, well, I really do hate to think of myself as a man. But then again ‘Dirty Brown Wrecked Tranny’ sounds more like some kind of filthy porn. Something I really don’t want to see.

I have to say I really do hate the term tranny. It just sounds horrible. It’s probably because of the amount of times it is used for porn type circumstances. I always try to use the word transgendered whenever necessary, but to be honest, that last joke wouldn’t have been nearly as funny if I’d said that. In fact even the word transsexual seems to have negative vibes in my brain. I guess it makes it sound like a sexual orientation, so in that respect I can understand why people do sometimes not understand why gender identity and sexual orientation do not go hand in hand.

Well, there you go; I managed to find some magical combination of words to fill the space between the second paragraph and the pictures. Don’t you now just feel fantastic about life in general and enlightened beyond your wildest dreams? I hope you’ve not been completely baffled by me being in one of my weirder moods, but hey, at least I’m not upset!

Oh and if you wanted to know what happened at work: I went home and lived happily ever… err, rest of the day.

Ooh, one last thing before the pictures. I don’t think I have yet conveyed my love of the band ‘Air Traffic’, so please, consider this it. My song of the moment; ‘No More Running Away’.

 

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Night! X

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It’s On The Road

March 7, 2011

Monday, 7 February 2011

00:34

Just a few quick updates here:

My trip to the doctors was one of success. I’ve been referred to a nearby clinic and booked an appointment in for May. There is a two month waiting list even for this part, so it doesn’t exactly bode well for the rest of it, but I did anticipate this sort of thing. Sure going to be a whole lot of waiting around. All the same though, there’s not a lot I can do about that now, unless of course I get a nice little sum of money to do it all privately, but I’m not holding out for that.

In case any of you out there are looking to go through the same thing, the actual appointment with the doctor was easy enough. As I’d only just registered at the practice the doctor didn’t have my medical history files, so I basically had to tell him straight again. It now feels odd that at one point several years ago, telling the doctor how I felt was the scariest thing I’d thought I’d ever done! But this time it felt so much easier. I just came out and said it, and he didn’t even flinch. Not sure if it’s because I’m older, because I’m more confident, or just because I knew that doctors are just plainly not allowed to demean patient’s life choices and just give professional advice. I wasn’t even the first person he’d seen with this exact same problem. The only thing I did get a little worried about is that one of my friends mums works at that practice and I wasn’t sure if she’d be able to see my file or not, but I assume patient/doctor confidentiality does not extend to receptionists, so it should be fine.

Another good thing I’m doing at the moment is having some driving lessons, and they’re going well! I’ve had two lessons, and I feel a lot more confident already, learning all aspects in the art of the clutch. There’s not a whole lot I can say about it really. All the good driving lesson jokes have been done already. I genuinely couldn’t think of any new ones on the way to the hospital in the back of the ambulance.

I kid of course. That never happened, besides, the kind of speeds I go at mean I’m probably more likely to run someone over whilst walking anyway.

Ok, well that is pretty much all I had to say. I don’t have any new pictures this time I’m afraid. It is difficult to find the time to get glammed up so much recently. Too much work and sleep I guess.

Night! X

And So it Begins… again

February 1, 2011

Tuesday, 1 February 2011

00:57

It was close call this week. I was determined to get to the Doctors at some point this week. At one point I thought I was going have to wait for another week, and it was for the most ridiculous sounding, but valid, reason. At the beginning of the week I was ill and therefore housebound. It wasn’t anything terrible, we worked out that it must have been a dodgy pizza that I’d ordered for take-away. We had eaten some pork that was out of date by two days a couple of days before, but Sarah insisted that it wouldn’t have been her cooking that got me ill! All the same I felt terrible and was doing the usual ‘kneeling over the toilet’ routine that I tend to do when feeling sick.

So I was off work for two days, and getting the doctors would have been a task not worth attempting. Especially considering the one I was registered at was about a mile away and I can’t drive.

But thankfully towards the end of this week I got better. Not completely, but enough. So yesterday, with my day off, I decided to register myself at a more local doctor’s. And when I say local, well, I can practically see it from my window. It is literally about 100m away. I mean if I was Usain Bolt (and was not intimidated by dual carriageways) I could be there in under 10 seconds. I’m not sure that there’s any other way I can convey the fact that this place is in the very near vicinity. Seriously it’s close. Very.

Anyway yes, so I trudged over to the doctors, filled out all my relevant forms and got myself an appointment for next Monday. This is it, I’m starting again. It has been about 2-3 years since the first time I tried, and I hope that this time I can get the funding. I realise that funding is a difficult thing to get in my situation, especially as I’m not into the whole self-harming suicidal tendencies that some transgendered people are. Which I guess is fair enough. The people that are more likely to kill themselves should really have priority. So anyway, yes, I’ll let you know how that goes after next Monday. If it’s anything like last time, they’ll refer me to a nearby clinic and then I’ll see where it goes from there. That is as far as I got the first time around. I’m also hoping Sarah can come in with me to the second discussion. Sarah is feeling understandably worried about me looking at doing this again. As we are at the moment, I can mostly hide myself when around her parents, but if I go through with this they will have to know.

This really bothers me, I have to say. I think it was bad enough telling my parents about it, but involving a family other than mine and making it an issue there just seems plain rude. I also don’t think they’ll take it too well, in fact Sarah thinks that they may make her choose between me and them. I obviously do not want that situation at all. I wish there was an easier way than this.

Well I think I’ll wrap it up there. The only other thing I wanted to say was that I am hoping to learn to drive this month and rather thankfully my parents have said that they’ll pay for my lessons. I’ve been reluctant to do it up until now, but now that I’ve actually decided to go ahead and do it I’m quite excited about it!

The pictures I’m putting up are a few I can’t believe I never uploaded the first time around. They are from June last year, so not exactly recent, but I think they’re alright all the same! I also don’t have any new ones…

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Night! X

Moving on Up!

January 18, 2011

Tuesday, 18 January 2011

10:56

I am finding it increasingly difficult to come on here and write a new entry. It feels like the longer I wait between posts, the more meaningful I have to make it. But life isn’t like the movies, something amazing and life-changing doesn’t happen everyday. Well not stuff that is movie worthy anyway. It sort of feels like I’m wandering through my days with glazed eyes, and still I do nothing about it. I’m not saying I’m wasting my life, I don’t feel that way. But it sort of feels like I’m not doing everything I want to do with it. But is that really so weird? Can you honestly say that you are glad with everything that you do right now? There are certain facts to life that include doing things that we don’t always want to, just to please others.

This is not me giving in, by the way. The situation I’m in is a difficult one, but it is neither unique nor the worst that people can experience. It just feels like there is no correct way to solve it. When it comes down to your happiness against a group of others, the answer seems to be obvious to me. You always put the other people’s happiness above your own. When you put it like that it sounds simple, but then, can you live with the consequences of that rational decision? Probably not.

On the other hand, when the only two solutions that present themselves are to be selfish, or have a possible lifetime of dissatisfaction, the solution seems so obvious again, but this time being selfish seems like the way to go.

Essentially each solution has its own pros and cons, and quite frankly I am a terrible decision maker. Seriously, I have problems choosing what to have for breakfast. It does feel a little like being thrown into the deep-end as soon as you leave education. It’s like up until that point you have been given a guided tour down a narrow path, and soon as the path ends, you’re pushed into an expansive field with absolutely no indication as to which direction to go. Some kids know what they want to do as soon as they pop out the womb it seems, but when I was younger I only ever half-heartedly stated I wanted to be an artist. There was one point that I was set on being a fairground ride designer, but that’s mainly because I played too much RollerCoaster Tycoon! I enjoy all sorts of things, but I’ve never really liked something enough to want to do it professionally, nor have I really got the skills to anyway.

I guess my problem is that I have very little direction in my life. I need to set myself some solid life goals and actually make sure I achieve them.

Ok, in the next two weeks I will, will, go back to the doctors to begin me on that road again. I will also have a look out for some better looking jobs. Also, let’s see if I can take some more pictures, and not just of myself.

Speaking of pictures of myself, here’s a few I didn’t upload from the last batch!

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Time to break free.

Night! X

The Barbershop Cold Sweat

October 13, 2010

Tuesday, 12 October 2010

00:53

Thank you to those of you who replied to my last blog. I hope it doesn’t seem like I write these things on my blog just so I can receive some attention and reassurance, that really isn’t why I do this, but all the same, it is very much appreciated. I have been writing this diary for a long while now; my first entry was just over 4 years ago. It seems like longer than that if I’m honest. I started writing for me, but I figured that some people would appreciate reading that someone is going through the same things they are. Also I can’t see the harm in getting people that would otherwise be unaware of our issues to see what we go through. It isn’t life threatening sure, and there’s too many other people out there with terrible lives that have probably never even dreamed of questioning whether they were born in the wrong body or not. I am privileged, I do realise that and I do feel quite selfish for complaining and getting upset over quite frankly relatively menial issues when compared to others.

So with that in mind, I’ve decided to be more cheerful today! It really is about time I stopped crying my way through my youth and started enjoying it a bit more. I know I should.

So on Monday, to start me off, I got a new haircut! Wait, hold up, unfortunately it was not in a women’s salon and it did not involve any fancy stuff. It was a simple walk in men’s barbers 10 minute jobby. But I have to say, given how long my hair has got, he did a pretty good job at tidying it up. It is a little shorter than it was, but looks much better, and if anything, looks more feminine, so I’m not unhappy with it! I will have to show you these new pictures I took. Yes, I actually have new pictures. Shocker.

Finding a salon was a little tricky though. Well I say tricky. Most people would have probably been able to manage it by simply walking into their nearest salon, but no, not me. I wandered around in a seemingly aimless manner assessing all possible relevant businesses. First of all I checked all my usual salons, and for some unknown reason they’re all shut on a Monday. Not sure why, but fine, things like this happen, I’ll just pick a new one. So I scout around for a good cheap unassuming barbers. There were the ones that made my wallet sweat from looking at the price list and then there were the ones that I could pretty much smell the word ‘scummy’ just from walking past it. I decided that neither of these extremes would hack it. So I thought, instead of just choosing a decent looking one at random, I’ll head back to my flat (in the town centre) and look up reviews of the local salons on the computer. Why not? I was bored and that is what the internet is there for right?! So I did a bit of research and plotted my course. I made sure I didn’t pass by any salons that might have already seen me looking in their window because they might find me odd. Hell, they probably do anyway, but that’s not the point. Being some long haired guy peeking longingly through the windows of salons might give the impression that I’ve been there for months and forgotten how to get in or something.

So yes anyway, I made my way to this new salon that the internet had reassured me was good. Well there were a couple of negative reviews, but when isn’t there really? It seems like for every product for sale on the internet someone somewhere has had their life ruined by it and feel the need to ‘One Star’ or ‘Thumbs Down’ the relevant product, spouting hateful phrases like “DO NOT BUY, DOES NOT WORK!” as if they’re whole life is now devoted to conspiring against whatever the product may be. Too many things these days seem to need to be rated or voted for by the public. You might even say that everything has become overrated. Then again, you might not; it’s up to you apparently.

Anyway, yes, I turned up at this well reviewed location and it too turns out to be closed on Mondays. I subsequently panicked and walked quickly back home. It was about this sort of time that I realised I was being utterly stupid. For some reason I seem to lack the confidence to even walk into a salon in guy mode and get a hair cut! How hard should it be?! So I got up again, walked with purpose into a randomly picked salon and got my damn hair cut, and it was not a scary experience at all! What was I worried about? If I have these kinds of issues living as a guy what am I going to be like as a girl? If I’m already so self-conscious it’s unreal, I’ll probably never be able to bring myself to leave the house if I transitioned!

This is but one of the issues I have to get over, no matter what I end up doing in the future. Confidence should be gained through life experiences and I do (surprisingly) feel more confident with myself now than I ever have done.

Sorry about going on for about four paragraphs about a simple haircut, but I thought I would be honest about how ridiculous I can be sometimes so I can look back at this in the future and laugh at my current self. I did just look back at my first entry and got much the same reaction. I was being overly dramatic about an invasive crane fly and judging by the way I’d written it, it seemed like the most unfortunate thing in the world that could ever happen to anyone ever! I’m not so much like that anymore. Sure I have bouts of silliness when it comes to conversing with my fellow human, but I am better than I was, and despite what I said in my last blog about being no more Ella than I was when I started, I sure am a much better me. And being a better, happier me is all I should really be working towards.

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Night! X

A Case of the Ever Creeping Guilt

September 14, 2010

Wednesday, 14 September 2010

02:07

I know my work situation isn’t exactly exhilarating to read about, but I just thought I’d mention: My manager has offered me the role of “Coach”. It basically revolves around me training up new members of staff and running the induction courses for new Christmas temps. This struck me as a little odd as I am currently under the effects of a written warning, and in that it states that I would not receive any pay rises, nor would I be able to be promoted within the company until a year after my ‘mishap’. So how exactly would that work? Would they just not pay me again (like last time) or would they rather ironically breach policy just to get me into the role that they now need. Are they going with the ‘because we say so’ bit of the policy that I failed to notice in the small print of my warning?

You might wonder why I’m so annoyed at being offered promotion. Well there certainly is a bitter taste in my mouth reminding of me the last time that I took a ‘promotion’. That is certainly playing an important part of it. I have just generally lost a lot of faith in the company as a whole and I really would like to get out it.

So I turned it down. Not only because of all the bitterness, but I just plain didn’t want to do it. It’s the kind of thing I’m not comfortable doing. I would not like to talk in front of a group of people, telling them what to do. It’s just not my thing. Don’t get me wrong, I probably could do it. And I would end up a lot more confident, but I just don’t want the hassle at the moment.

So after they’d offered me the job, they then offered it to a few other people, one of them being my girlfriend. My girlfriend, being a very different kind of person to me, would enjoy talking to a group of people like that and so she accepted the offer. She’s done well to get offered a promotion within a year of being there, it only took me about three! She doesn’t have the job yet. She still needs to be assessed and then if she passes that she gets sent for a day training course and then if she passes that, she’ll have the job. I have all my faith in her and I’m sure she’ll do just fine. After all, I managed all of that and just failed at the last hurdle a couple of years ago.

On a different note, getting the time to dress and put on make up is, these days, a little hard to come by. I’m not sure why exactly, but it really does seem like I ‘doll up’ less now than when I used to at home. Sure, everyday I still wear girls stuff to bed, and if I manage to drag myself away from the computer or TV when I get in from work I do get changed then, but I barely ever put make up on. I don’t know if that’s because I feel like I don’t need to anymore; Sarah sees me as I really am so it doesn’t seem as important. Or is it because I’m getting past a ‘phase’ in my life? That’s the usual logic for hearing a child is acting in a transgendered way, ‘It’s just a phase’. Well, is that happening to me, just a bit later?

It was recently my Dad’s birthday and I picked what I thought to be a really nice card. It said something like “Now that I’m finding my own way in life, I realise how glad I am to have had someone to show me the ropes”. It was something like that, with a picture of a man and a boy both wearing cowboy hats. Probably looks better than it sounds. I tend to avoid the ones that say “From Your Son” and I don’t really even contemplate sending him one saying “From Your Daughter”! I think that even though I have all of these feelings, he will always be my Dad and when I was a child, I was his boy, and I appreciate everything he’s ever done for me, even if it’s been showing me traditionally ‘male’ things. I just find it very hard to talk to him now. It’s not really awkward, but you can tell what he must be thinking about me, and it is both a relief and a pain knowing that he knows.

I guess what I’m trying to get at in a very roundabout way, is that I still feel guilty for who I am. I know it is wrong to think that way; you don’t need to tell me. “Do what you feel is right” and all that. Well, what if I don’t know what is right? A lot of people can’t see into the future, how do they know that what they are doing is right? What do I want to do with my life? What will make me happy? I want to be successful, I want a happy family, I want to enjoy every day of my life. I want all of these things, but I do nothing to reach them. I feel like right now my life is just sat in a box in my cupboard. Maybe not that bad, because I am very happy with Sarah. I guess I’m just feeling a bit low. I’m starting to think writing this in the early hours of the morning whilst I wait for the sun to rise was probably a bad idea. It’s being alone with my mind that gets me the most upset. Being tired doesn’t help either.

Basically I have doubts all the time about what I should be doing with my life. I don’t know the right way to turn. I know what I enjoy and I know what I hate, I’m just not sure I know myself. I’m finding it very difficult to say this, and right now I don’t think I will upload this, but I’m just saying it to get things off my chest. I know I sometimes seem like I know what I’m doing, but I really don’t. My life is up in the air and you know what the saddest thing of all is? I don’t feel any more like Ella than I did when I started this blog.

I’m sorry. This post got a little derailed by some unforeseen depression. I hope I can get back to you soon with a happier toned entry, but right now I just don’t feel like it.

Night. X

Decisions Decisions

August 14, 2010

Saturday, 14 August 2010

23:10

And there it went.

So, I pulled out. I decided it wasn’t for me. I’m a bit of a tease really aren’t I?! Yeah, I decided against it because, well there’s several reasons. First off it was becoming apparent that I would have needed to be going away for the weekend quite often and I can’t be constantly running away from my loving girlfriend all the time. I’m lucky to have her in the first place and to put that in jeopardy would be a ridiculously silly thing to do, I’m sure you understand.

Second reason: Seen as I would be going away quite often I would need to constantly make up stories to tell both mine and Sarah’s parents when I couldn’t go to either for a Sunday roast. I had to do it the one time for that photo-shoot and I immediately remembered how much I hated intentionally misleading people. Partly because I’ve been doing it all my life and it can never be a good thing to get back into that, and partly because I’m not very good at lying. Which is also basically my third reason:

I’m not very good at acting. And I believe that would have developed into a bit of a necessity! Granted I’ve never actually tried acting, and I’m always told it’s not that hard, but I figure that if there are some whole schools dedicated to it then it can’t be one of those things that you can just “blag your way through”. Well you could, but it could end up looking like a bad acted porno. Which leads nicely onto my last reason.

Whilst not technically porn, it was close enough for me to reconsider. It’s what it’s all about even if I wasn’t going to be showing more than I already have. I made a promise to myself several (hundred) posts ago that I would never do anything porny, and I think I should stick to my principles. Well if I don’t who else is going to?!

I think that’s all the reasons I have to be honest. I do wish the Tranisa.com crew the best of luck and I hope that it all works out well. They really are a nice bunch of people and if any of you are considering modelling for them and are sure you want to do it, just go for it. I look forward to seeing the kind of things they make.

What? I will. I watch porny things, why not? Well actually I don’t, I read it. And that’s all I have to say on the matter…

Every time I write porny it just makes me wonder if there’s ever been a porn film called “My Little Porny”.

Google says no, but apparently it was front page news in Bristol (?!)

Oh and there’s a quiz based on this very concept. But when isn’t there?

(I got 2 out of 12!)

Sorry, my mind does wander sometimes. I think I need to ban myself from using Google when I’m writing one of these, it really does interfere. Within about 5 minutes I’d have been viewing the history of sporks for no particular reason.

So yes anyway, my main point is that I won’t be carrying on with my modelling, at least in this way. I would like to do modelling that’s, say, more family-friendly though.

Some possible good news; Sarah now works earlies whilst I’m working lates, so whilst it’s not exactly great for us, the good thing is that I might be able to write up on here a little more often. Just don’t expect pictures everytime! I unfortunately don’t get that much time to dress with make-up. I will continue to upload a few unseen photos from the shoot though.

That’s enough for now, I have more to say, but if I keep them for another entry it might actually make me do it!

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Oh yes, I almost forgot, here’s a song of the moment. Well it was 2 months ago, but it’s still relevant. One of my favourite songs ever, it really is quite beautiful.

 

Night! X

Tranisa.com

July 15, 2010

Tuesday, 14 July 2010

22:06

Ok, here goes.

This is exciting. Exciting, but still pretty nerve-wracking! I’ve had a professional photo shoot done for a new website, along with a couple of videos. I think I’ll just go ahead and show you them. There’s not a whole lot of point beating around the bush. First off, there’s this. It’s a video of my photo shoot.

 

Different look right? Never thought blonde would suit me as much as it did, but then I did used to be blonde when I was younger so I guess it makes sense.

Ok, and here are a few of the photos that came out of it.

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So, the website, in case you haven’t guessed by now is Tranisa.com. What it hopes to do is create non-explicit transgender fantasy films. I’m sure some of you will be familiar with Fictionmania, and that’s basically what this is but with films instead of stories. They are currently looking for more models/actors to star in their films, so why not go for it if you want to!

I hope this project does work out well for the people involved, whether I’m part of it or not. I think it will as well, it does seem like something that’s lacking on the internet, or anywhere for that matter.

I don’t think I’m going to go on and say much more for now. Yesterday I had a 13 hour night shift and I’m feeling a little tired today, what with my messed up sleep pattern, so I don’t really feel like staying up much longer. I think what I’ve given you is enough stuff to peruse for now anyway. I look forward to hearing your feedback about it all!

One thing I will just say, yes I know, I really need to sort out my voice. I really do hate it, and what is more annoying is that I think I sometimes sound ok, but then listening back to my voice on a recording just makes it sound ridiculous and very deep. If I’m going to be in any of these films, or even just in day to day life I’m going to need to train my voice.

Oh yes, I’m also aware that the last video I uploaded is only available in the states because of the music licensing stuff. I will sort this out one way or another soon, but until then, just treat it like any major film release; in America they usually come out several months before it comes to other parts of the world. I’ve never understood why that happens, can they not take too much money in one week or something? Wallets not big enough?!

Anyway, I’m going to bed.

Night! X

Media Mania

June 8, 2010

Tuesday, 8 June 2010

00:46

Hey Ho. I’ve been having fun!

Last week I came back from a holiday that I absent-mindedly neglected to mention. It was great. Me and Sarah went to Turkey for a week, and for I’d say about 80% of it I was eating. Food is so cheap there compared to UK prices, so we really couldn’t help ourselves. Not only was it all fantastic and tasty, they pretty much gave you half a cow if you asked for meatballs or something, and then they’d throw on a salad that could be blamed for the worlds deforestation, and then sometimes a free dessert, which you couldn’t exactly turn down could you?! Not if they’d already brought it out to you and started spooning into your mouth?!

I’m kidding of course. There was a lot of food and I think I’ve made that clear now. The result from that, of course, is that I’ve gained a few pounds. Or at least I did. They have since been de-gained from going back to work and running around more than is probably necessary. So yes, I’ll give you a few pictures of the area I went to. It was Calis Beach, near Fethiye, if that means anything to you. Here you go…

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The area was beautiful and I could have easily stayed another few days. Sarah, on the other hand, could have stayed another few years. I have to admit I was slightly missing being able to be Ella out there. Sure I had a few girly things for the hotel room, but most of the time we were out and about I had to be a guy. It wasn’t really enough for me, so I’m quite glad to be back and able to spend more than half my time being Ella again.

So that was my holiday. I did enjoy it a lot and I have to say it was nice to relax a bit after this whole work fiasco. I kind of needed a holiday after that.

But now I’m back into the swing of things again, and in fact today I was able to take a few new pictures, and (brace yourselves) make a new video. I decided to make one of those ‘transform’ male to female ones. It’s basically just me putting some make-up on (badly), and then showing a few pictures. It really isn’t anything special, but I don’t really have a lot of possibilities right now. To be honest it’s quite a big step to show you all my ‘male’ self, but I figured I’m about ready, so there you go. In actuality I don’t really look much different from my wigless photos, so it’s not actually that bad.

So here’s my video, this can also serve as my “Song of the Moment” as well. It’s quite apt and I hope all the haters listen out for the lyrics.

I’ll also add the last few photos from January I never got around to uploading as well as the ones that were on the end of that video.

IMG_1891 (1)IMG_1893 (1)  IMG_1903 (1)

IMG_2066 (1) IMG_2064 (1)

Phewy, there we go. That’s pretty much a media overload I think. I don’t really have a lot else more to say. Well ok, I don’t really have anything that I think is worth staying up past 2am to say. I could go on for hours, but I do have work tomorrow and it is once again the start of my 5 day run.

Something I will mention though. It is my birthday this coming Thursday, so that’s something to look forward to half-way through my week. I’ll be 23. Oh and that modelling thing I mentioned last time is looking to still be on, but I won’t be doing anything for a couple of months I’d guess. The people organising it are very busy people, and seem to barely have time to breathe, so they’ll fit me in when they’re good and ready.

I think that’s about all. I’ll be back soonish, hopefully with more of a word-based upload rather than all of this nonsense!

Night! X

This Still Ain’t Shemale Porn…

April 27, 2010

Tuesday, 27 April 2010

01:24

Ok, I’ve got to stay up all night tonight, as I’m doing a night shift tomorrow night and I don’t really fancy having a snooze half way through my shift. Might not go down too well. So, I have quite a bit of time on my hands, enough time to update you with all the goings on.

So, why the title, you may ask. Well, I have some possibly exciting news. I won’t be going into a lot of detail yet, but lets just say I have an opportunity to model a little as Ella, and may also be in a few more professional videos online. I have been reassured that it will be tasteful and well made, and that it will not be ‘overly’ erotic. As you may have guessed from the title, this is not porn. I stand by that I wouldn’t do that. These videos will not require me to expose myself more than I have done already, so in my eyes, it is ok.

My girlfriend had previously expressed her concerns for me doing this, and to be honest with you I had them as well. Still do actually, but less so. We both met up with the people that messaged me online and discussed exactly what I would be doing if I decided to do it, and the people we met were really friendly and reassuring. They definitely struck me as the kind of people that would respect my wishes and not mess me around.

Since then, my girlfriend has been much more accepting of the idea, and has told me that she would at least be comfortable for me to go ahead and do this. So right now I’m just waiting to hear from them for my first photo shoot. It is pretty exciting, but at the same time I’m trying not to get my hopes up too much just in case it all falls through.

Ok, so there you go, that’s pretty much all I can say about it at the minute. It goes without saying that I will keep you up to date with everything I’m doing with this.

I imagine now, that some of you may be a little disappointed in me. After all I have always said that I wouldn’t do porn, and it may seem a little difficult to differentiate porn and what I’ve been offered here. I would like some feedback about this: Whether you think it’s a good idea or not. Essentially I’m not going to change my decision based on what people say on here, but I’d be interested to hear from you.

My decision is that I am going ahead with this. To me, it sounds like a fun experience with the possibility of being a good way to meet new friends and make new connections, and when it comes down to it, I can decide to step away if I think it’s getting too much. I can at least say I gave it a go. I’m not leaving my job to do this.

I also imagine that this will come as good news to those of you that found your way to this site because this post has the word “shemale” in the title and that “porn” is written several times. It’s no good looking all innocent there, I know there’s more of you reading this because of the title. The last post I had where I mentioned “Shemale Porn” is still my second most read post. I guess it kind of shows the light in which transgendered folk are viewed. Some might argue that I’m not doing much to help that by modelling like this, but please, reserve judgement until after. If it’s going to be anything like I think it is, then it won’t be detrimental.

Ok, I’m going to leave it there, I do have all night to waste, but I wouldn’t mind doing a bit of cleaning instead of just typing away the early hours.

Just one final point, I’ve had a flurry of emails about various profiles around the net with pictures of me on them. This is nothing new for me, but I just thought I’d make this clear. The only real profiles of me that I use are;

http://www.flickr.com/photos/-ella-/

http://www.youtube.com/user/ellauk

and obviously this one BecomingElla.com. If you wish to message me, only use these sites, but as always I rarely get chance to reply to emails, but I do read all of them, and once again I’d like to give you all a collective Thank You for all the kind words I continue to receive.

Here’s my song of the moment, and a couple of pictures.

15th January (5) 15th January (4)

15th January (3)

Night! X