Hello. Remember me? I need help.

It’s been too long. I know that. You know that. But I’m still here, I’m still breathing and this part of me still exists. I’m at a crossroads. If there’s still any of you left out there then I’d like to ask a favour.

Could you please read what I have posted on Reddit and let me know what you think.

Whatever the outcome of this decision I think it’s safe to say that you will be hearing and seeing a bit more of me in the near future.

27 Responses to “Hello. Remember me? I need help.”

  1. Janine Helena Says:

    Ella I read your mail over lunch …Ivtotally understand and have been there myself ! I m 53 and still manage to balance my life ….you re welcome to mail me or have a chat one evening …take care Janine Helena

  2. lynnindenver Says:

    I’ve been struggling a bit this year with it myself… but I’m also very fortunate to have my partner/spouse being very supportive of whatever I need to do, unconditionally.

    I suppose the question should be… would you be happier with transition, or with a relationship where you’re not allowed to?

    Oh, and transition is hard… the question is, is not transitioning going to ultimately be harder?

  3. vickie Says:

    happy to hear your still around, was worried something had happened to you.
    As for your current situation, ten years is a long time to just suddenly throw away, for both of you.
    May I ask what was it each of you saw in one another to have drawn you together in the first place?
    You to have someone you see yourself as and her as one to share her life that understands her.
    In other words both desire the same thing, in each others eyes.
    Unfortunately, there can only be two genders male and female.
    Don’t make the mistake that it will change given enough time…you’ve done this.
    Be true to your selves and look for your love before its too late and or make a mistake and be locked into a relationship that neither is happy and then make it worse by having children.

    What ever you decide, I wish you happiness and prosperity.

    PS Im 63 and have wanted to be female since 8 years old, but I can’t turn away from my natural sate, male. My wife of nearly 43 years have 3 children, I love her.
    Each night I dream of me as a woman…
    Each morning I wake as a male…
    This is my life…

    Vickie (Vince)
    Love and kisses

    • V Says:


      I had an urge to check on your page today. Over the years (especially from probably 2011-2013) your page brought me a lot of comfort. I was very happy with the thought that you were going to start HRT soon. When I found this post, from a year ago, I started to get the urge to tell you how much you have meant in my own transition.

      I started transitioning a little over three years ago. I went full time 2.5 years ago. I asked myself almost every one of those questions in the 15 years I consider myself as questioning…. they all turned out to be baseless fears. I have since left my wife of 10 years, partially because of emotional abuse, but also because I felt she only supported my transition to make herself look good.

      It all gets better. Now I find myself walking down the halls at work surprised I am doing so in a dress. Surprised that I have come so far. Transition is difficult, but it will make you the happiest you’ve ever been. If your significant other can’t hold your hand on that journey, then so be it.

      You have meant so much to my transition, I hope you get the chance to explore it for yourself.


  4. John hall Says:

    In a parallel dimension, Thairs a planet Earth , wair all lezbeins razed all thair male children as girls.aleins liv on Earth and run bizznesses about digging up heleum on thuh moon and bringing metal frum mars 2 bild bridges between Canada and Greenland .and fueling space ships with hydrogen sucked off of juepitor .juepitor has over 100 moons, so Wut ever element u want u can fynd on one of juepitors moons. Peepul between 15 and 30 partey on luner,thuh moon. Moest of juepitor,s moons R hy radeayshun zones.but peepul hoo doent Wunt children, can liv and wirk on Gannymede ,I-O , and saturn,s moons. In case u doent noe. Maya Henry is a trans girl hoo looks aylot like u but smaller. She lives in Toronto Canada and wunts 2 du moovees !

  5. rheapdx1 Says:

    If anything, you will have to do what is right by you. Keep in mind as well, that while being true to what you want is not a selfish motive in itself, transition also needs to take into account all aspects of what one has around them..

    Not transitioning to the surgery, etc , be it for social [or in my case here, severe medical reasons..one can still live full time which has happened here, it’s that the original equipment issues need care first] does not invalidate your existence. There are workarounds for this…..and yes it will also mean being around those who understand that transition does not, effectively [and that is the key word….’effectively’ ] change who you are. And while doing that here is still a work in progress, it can be done…..but it needs time, patience and establishing what the priorities are.

    You have that on your side, which is time. Take that to weigh out ALL the sides of this. And you will come to a solution that will work for you and those who will get what you are dealing with, in the future.

  6. Anonymous Says:

    Love you Ella

  7. Amy Says:

    I’m so glad to see you posting again! You are an inspiration to myself and many others.

    My advice is to go for what you want to do. If you are going in different directions, it’s best to let it happen. Don’t make yourself or her conform to the other. A little pain now will save you more down the road.

    That’s my opinion, anyway. But I’ll support you, no matter what.

  8. forbecomingella Says:

    Hi, Ella! I was shocked with your womanly beauty and I think the world of beauty to lose a lot without your complete transition. As for me, I haven’t seen many women as nice beautiful as you. Nevertheless, you must be guided by your own happiness and happiness of those you love. You can try these relationships and if anything goes wrong, you will always have a possibility to return back to your dream.

  9. Anonymous Says:

    It has been great following you for many years and wish you well. The advice here is so valuable. I cannot add much to. It being very old married over 40 years a different world to yours. So feel for you and hope you make the best decision for you.

  10. Anonymous Says:

    Great to hear you are still around. I have struggled the same for a while. In my experience, don’t follow my path and constantly wonder. You need to be you. Everyone I have talked to that has transitioned feels like the weight has been lifted and are truly at peace.

  11. Karen Says:

    Ella, I don’t think you have much choice with this, your body and mind know what is needed, you need to release that beautiful woman inside you, let her flower and live your life as her. I have kept myself bottled up hoping one day that feeling will go away, it doesn’t , just gets stronger every year. If you keep your inner self locked away to please others you will eventually resent them for causing you this pain, so go for it now, keep those around you for support, but don’t let them hold you back. Good luck , I’m sure we will be seeing more of that beautiful woman in you soon. xxxx

  12. Ms. Donna Says:

    Hello Ella,

    It’s good to see you are still here. The short answer to your TL;DR; is yes.

    Being trans does not mean you need to do *anything* you do not want to do. Contrary to many in the trans community, I see crossdressing individuals an a point on the whole spectrum of gender expression – and crossdressing as a logical way to manage the feelings we have as transpeople. Some need more – they transition socially – some need even more – they transition physically. Some simply need acknowledgement of who they *know* they are – and some are happy to live a bit of a dual life, presenting one way or another depending on the situation.

    All of life is balance and compromise. The key thing here is you need to decide what is right for you – and for your partner – and where that balance sits. I have spent twenty+ years presenting as a non-binary / trans-feminine individual. Most of that presentation has been at work, and toned down at home. It may not be perfect – but in the greater context of my relationship with my wife, it has proved to be manageable.

    My wife knew about my crossdressing two years into our dating. She knew as much as I did at the time. It evolved for me, in a way she didn’t want, but after thirty one years and two daughters, we are still together. That you and your partner were (are) together for as long as you have been tells me that you both care for one another very much. That is something worth holding on to.

    I do not want to give false hope, but people change – relationships change. Over the course of fifteen years, my wife has become more accepting, more open to being with me looking ‘more trans’ than in the past. She has definitely shifted her position (in a good way) on a lot of this. Your relationship is different now after your call than it was before. You have started a dialogue – one that perhaps should have happened long ago – and you need to continue it.

    To reiterate: All of life is balance and compromise. What you need, what she needs, and what you both can give to find that middle ground. I do believe that you *both* can make this work, if you both want it to.

    I sincerely hope the best for you both. Do let me know if you ever want to chat more about my situation if you think it might help.

    Love and solidarity,

  13. Lover Says:

    please, photos and vieos

  14. chasma Says:

    in love since years. hopefully to bump on you in the streets in some time. i would be so happy if you would text me.

  15. D Appleby Says:

    First things first wonderful to see you back I got worried by your continued absence. Regarding your reddit post tbh your own feelings and wants should come first after all its your skin your in, other people are secondary to that regardless of how close they are to you. I read an interview with a transgendered porn actress they asked her if she would ever get srs and she replied “no, I can never birth a child even with srs so I don’t really see much point” . My advice is think long and hard about if it will make you truly happy or if its just an escape. Relationships are not my strongpoint but I am good with common sense, if you make each other happy its good and if its not love nothing wrong with remaining good friends

  16. Citlaly C Says:

    Nice to hear about you again. I was just remembering old times in the web and crossed by your blog again. I knew about you in 2007 I think. Anyway, I will tell you GO FOR IT! You will loose a lot but also new people will appear your way and be there for you. I made the decision in 2014 after 4 years of heavy depression. Now, I’m who I always wanted to be and I’ve meet lots of awesome people. In fact I never imagine to make it this good. Don’t worry about “passing”, a time will come that even make up is not needed. Also you are cute AF ;). life is only one.

  17. Tanya Says:

    It’s so good to know you are alive and kicking! It’s been far too long since you’ve been active on Flickr. I mostly agree with Ms. Donna’s thoughts from 4/11.

    The one thing I have not seen anyone above ask about is where does your girlfriend currently stand on children? If she really wants kids and you decide to stay together and keep Ella alive, that makes for a very tricky situation. And for that matter do you want children?

    I am married (second marriage actually) with two small kids. I compromise my Tanya side for the family. My wife knows about this side of me and wants nothing to do with it but I can keep my stash and dress when they are not around. I wish I had more time to be me, but I willingly make this compromise. This works for me, but not everyone is on the same point of the gender scale.

    And that’s really the question right there – where are you on the gender scale? Are you happy being a guy as much as you are happy being a woman?

    I look forward to hearing more from you!!!

  18. Confused Myself Says:

    I am 67 years old and have know something was amiss since I was 4 when I always asked for girl toys instead of boys toys. Not that being the only drive to be a girl, once I learned I had the wrong parts in my underwear I tried to cut it off. I got caught coming home at 4 in the morning at 12 dressed entirely as a girl, it weirded my mother out, she burned all my girl clothes I had hidden. She also shaved my head to make sure I was never mistaken as a girl again.

    At age 19 I gave into extreme pressure by my parents to marry a girl I didn’t even like. That made the next 20 years extremely miserable. I do love my two children, but my heart hurts that I never changed. The worst part is I made more than enough money in a month to pay for the transition. I always worried more what I would do to hurt others than myself.

    My second wife knew everything long before we got married. We even spent weekends away from home with me at least dressing to relieve some mental pain. She has told me for 27 years she would support and even pay for the transition. She believes that love for someone is not about the sex but the heart. Now I am 67 and in extreme poor health, the time for transition is long over.

    I would never tell you what decision to make, but I never had the internet or friends to help me learn others were having similar problems. I was in my 30’s when I found a book that explained things in a way I could understand and that I was not alone. I am extremely happy with my present wife and love our life together, but she sees the pain in my heart that endures that I will leave this life as the sex I was born with.

    I have several degrees including a PHD in theology, trying to understand all the arguments people use for their point of view. You have to make your own choices in life that won’t make your heart hurt later in life. I see young people like yourself and I live vicariously through you knowing others won’t make all the wrong choices I did. I so wish you all the best in the world and I hope all of the people that give you their points of view make your choices easier than harder.

  19. Stephen Cobb Says:

    Im not a transwoman, but love in Las Vegas where pretty much anything goes, and for me I love both dressing up and being feminized, but have had a fairly good amount of experiences with transwomen and gind mosy

  20. Mel Bennet Says:

    There is a saying “To thyself be true” If you feel like you should transition to become a full woman, then you should just do it. Love can occur at any time in the blink of an eye.
    I was in your position and transitioning all the way was the best thing I did. Like you, I had a GF who didn’t support me, but since becoming a full woman I have found a loving man and love living as a woman full time and in a full capacity

  21. Vanessa Wishart Says:

    Hey Ella. Not sure why I chose to see if you’re around but glad I did. Over the last few years I’ve been conflicted with who I am and the relationship I am in. I’m currently happily married with a daughter. To cut a long story story I’ve come around to a position where I feel I’m Non-binary / genderfluid. I am a man but sometimes present female, sometimes male and sometimes in between. If I did fully transition, and it would be easy as I’m in my late 40’s I probably would lose the people I do love.

  22. anjalfemme Says:

    I just saw this, I check your blog every year to see if you are back. You should transition.

  23. vitorleal Says:

    Where are you please…

  24. Anonymous Says:

    It has been awhile but what did you decide, I know it was a hard choice

  25. Michael Says:

    Hi Ella,

    I hope you are doing good. Im sure you have made your decision since i am 2 years late to the conversation but the only thing I add is “Happiness”.

    Whatever it is that you seek is what will make you happy then do it Ella…there’s no time like the present…I know, easier said than done.

    oh I really like your taste in music! I listened to the videos you have posted as I read all of your dairy entries since i found your blog! My favorite right now is “Resurrection by The Temper Trap” and a close second is “You don’t know me by Armand Van Helden”

    Just to let you know you got a fan and I am rooting for you! Did you keep up with your photography? Anyways, if you continue with your diary entries I will be there to support you 🙂

    Have a great day! I’m from Regina, Saskatchewan, Canada

  26. Layla Says:

    OMG!! So glad you’re back! I remember that you was my role model as a teenager! 😍

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: