I Love You Nan

Monday 20th August 2012

11:13

I’m not entirely sure why I still type the precise time I start my blog entries, it’s not like I have multiple entries per day any more is it? Multiple entries in a year is quite the achievement these days. I guess it’s just force of habit. Or that I don’t like change…

Here I am again. For someone that really enjoys writing, this is too rare an occurrence. I think I’ve worked out why though. I’m ashamed. I’m ashamed I’ve not lived up to everything I promised myself when I was younger. Even if it were possible I’m not sure I could look my past self in the eyes now. I also feel the same for those of you that read this. A fair number of people have messaged me in the past telling me that I have been an influence on their decision to act on their feelings, and I feel that by not doing much myself I have lied to them. And I hate lying.

I should summarise what’s been going on since my last entry really, it’ll probably give you an indication as to why I’m feeling quite so down.

My Nan passed away last month. She was 97, which is a fantastic age to reach, but it doesn’t change the fact that she’s not here anymore. I have a few regrets from her passing. I wish I’d seen her more often, I wish I told her I loved her more than I did. Because I did. A lot. She didn’t know about me and I’m glad she didn’t. She was born into a very different world than I was and she would not have understood. It was better her not knowing.

Her passing has made a bit of an affect on me though. She was my last grandparent. It marks the end of an era. I am no longer a grandchild, only a child. There’s only the one generation above me now. Which means I should be thinking of beginning a generation below me doesn’t it? Well, children are something I’ve never really addressed on here before; in many ways I’ve not felt old enough up until now. But do I want kids? Yes. Not yet, but yes. The real question though, is do I want to be a Mother or a Father. It’s another question I don’t know the answer to.

If I had been born female I’d have been the happiest mother. As a male though, do I want my child to go through the issues of having a mother that used to be someone’s son? It’s a lot for kids to deal with, and as I always say I only want what is right for me as long as it isn’t wrong for someone else.

I guess these are issues that I can blurt out at the GIC next month. Yes, that’s right they moved my appointment back another month. Honestly I don’t mind, but I will start to mind if this coming appointment doesn’t materialize.

I am also currently off work ill. My girlfriend had a chest infection that was obviously so lovely she didn’t want to keep it all to herself. So now I’m basically housebound; walking anywhere further than the bathroom causes me to get very short of breath and dizzy. Sarah’s gone back to work today so I’m spending my alone time updating here.

So, now that I have all that out of my system, lets move onto better things.

I am currently in the market for a new wig. My hair was cut in a tragic planned appointment several months ago, and looking back at pictures before that I think my hair looked terrible in the state I kept it. I would love to grow it out and style it but as I’m still ‘undercover’ I can’t do that. So a new wig. I’ve looked around the internet for human hair wigs, and whilst everything about them appeals but the price, I’ve heard some people saying that a good synthetic wig is better. I’d just like to hear some opinions. Also some style options. I love the wig below, but apparently the website it is on is basically a scam site and many people have reported not receiving their goods and if they have, it being a less than stellar quality. So I’d like something like that on a reputable site.

This Isn't Me!

Also I’m now on tvChix. My username is EllaUK. If you’re interested in going out to a club somewhere local then by all means leave me a message, I’ll do my best to get back to you. I would love to go out at least once a month as Ella, but we’ll have to see.

Well, thanks for reading again, I’ll look at uploading some pictures later in the week. There’s still some from April I haven’t got up.

Night! X

8 Responses to “I Love You Nan”

  1. Anonymous Says:

    Ive added you to my tvchix account as a friend hope we can chat soon xx

  2. rheapdx1 Says:

    Dearest Ella,

    For one, I am very sorry that your Nan passed on. Although she did not know what was going on ..she will live on in you and no matter where life takes you, that guidance and spirit will be there….and this will help should you become a parent…

    With regard to wigs, there are two schools of thought on the synthetic ones. One has to do with that there are those which really do look like artificial fibers and would best be used for undercover police stings. But there are a couple brands which are very good and also have the advantage of with , proper care of lasting a while [as well as being a good deal for the price. The first brant is the Mona Losa line [style of ‘Pamela’]…which is a product of a company called ‘Wig America’. I have a couple of their long page boys with deep bangs, with an adjustable fit. The prices are reasonable, as is the color selection [depending on the vendor] . On the Flickr account there are a couple pics of the straw blonde model.

    The other one brand I highly reccomend is New Look[style called Cathy or Cathy II], of which I have several in dark auburn, auburn-straw blonde mix and straw blonde. What has been and continues to be great about those is theyfeel like real hair, act like it…even after being shampooed and dryed. The prices on those are reasonable as well.

    A third brand I can reccomend…if the first two are not available would be Forever Young. They are a little on the high side price wise, but I have found they work really well [except when it is humid] . Their availability may be limited overseas….the first two brands mentioned are sold all over the planet *S*

    By the by about the human hair ones….If you want to go that route, they can be very expensive, although they can also be custom fitted. The good news is that with proper care, they will last long enough for the expense and the time in the fitting to be worth it….

    Here is hoping the above helps *S*

    Til Later On and Love Always!!

    Randi

  3. rheapdx1 Says:

    Dearest Ella,

    I should have mentioned this on the last post, but the wigs and the makers of same are available through several sites….the ones I like to user are:

    TheWigs.com [who I get email from about 2-3 times a week and have ordered from. Fast service, darm good selection]

    and

    InternationalWigs.com [they are the ones I order from more often than anyplace else. They offer discounts and their online catalog is one of the most varied anywhere. In fact, the last 6 or so I have …for doctor’s appts, as well as tech calls and shopping trips are from there. Plus if you want to go the human hair route, they sell those as well and the catalog is quite varied on that end with reasonable prices]

    And I would be remiss if I did not mention one place I get catalogs from about every 3-4 weeks:

    TheWigCompany or TWC.com [I have one from them which is great, the fiber looks fantastic and is easy to care for]

    All of the above ship internationally and even with the shipping, the prices are comparable to what would be in the local shops. AND AND AND they have supplies to keep the hair in good shape…shampoos, conditioners at reasonable fees as well.

    When I get a chance later on, will email later which ones on the Flickr account are from those vendors, as a guide from here…so to speak…

    Til Later on Love Always!!

    Randi

  4. dungduk Says:

    waiting your story…

  5. Calming Influence Says:

    Hey Ella,

    Haven’t checked in in a while – very sorry to hear your Nan passed away. In 97 years she probably witnessed more change than any previous generation, from biplanes to jets and landing on the moon; simple telephones and paper mail to cell phones and email; some pretty radical cultural changes as well.

    I found that my grandparents and parents actually became more accepting of changes towards the end of their lives, and they sometimes surprised me with progressive attitudes about things that I never would have thought they would believe. I would like to think that if there is a hereafter, your Nan is as comfortable with who you are as any of your friends. As it should be.

    I have two very close friends who were adopted, and they both consider their adoptive parents as their ‘real’ parents (and one also has a great relationship with her ‘bio-mom’, but still doesn’t think of her as her ‘real’ mom.) Parenting isn’t about chromosomes, it’s about love.

    Condolences and best wishes (from that old dude across the pond),

    Calming Influence

  6. sam Says:

    hiya Ella,so glad to hear from you its ages,sorry to hear about your granny she certenly lived a great age looking forward to see your pictures,,heres wishing you all the best in the world,,,,Sam xxxx

  7. gill bates Says:

    hi ella
    sorry to hear about your nan
    glad to have you back writing again
    keep on the road girl

  8. rheapdx1 Says:

    Hey Ella,

    Again from here, sorry about your loss…[the little ones join in on this as well] .and perhaps this little link may be a sign of what was mentioned, about an influence living on. And this was one that was at the local Kroger. Which got me thinking about how the powers that be do work:

    When I saw this, it was one of those heartwarming moments *S*

    Til later On,

    Love Always,

    Rand

    PS: Sorry about the multi posts

    RLD

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