I Love You Nan

Monday 20^th August 2012

11:13

I’m not entirely sure why I still type the precise time I start my blog entries, it’s not like I have multiple entries per day any more is it? Multiple entries in a year is quite the achievement these days. I guess it’s just force of habit. Or that I don’t like change…

Here I am again. For someone that really enjoys writing, this is too rare an occurrence. I think I’ve worked out why though. I’m ashamed. I’m ashamed I’ve not lived up to everything I promised myself when I was younger. Even if it were possible I’m not sure I could look my past self in the eyes now. I also feel the same for those of you that read this. A fair number of people have messaged me in the past telling me that I have been an influence on their decision to act on their feelings, and I feel that by not doing much myself I have lied to them. And I hate lying.

I should summarise what’s been going on since my last entry really, it’ll probably give you an indication as to why I’m feeling quite so down.

My Nan passed away last month. She was 97, which is a fantastic age to reach, but it doesn’t change the fact that she’s not here anymore. I have a few regrets from her passing. I wish I’d seen her more often, I wish I told her I loved her more than I did. Because I did. A lot. She didn’t know about me and I’m glad she didn’t. She was born into a very different world than I was and she would not have understood. It was better her not knowing.

Her passing has made a bit of an affect on me though. She was my last grandparent. It marks the end of an era. I am no longer a grandchild, only a child. There’s only the one generation above me now. Which means I should be thinking of beginning a generation below me doesn’t it? Well, children are something I’ve never really addressed on here before; in many ways I’ve not felt old enough up until now. But do I want kids? Yes. Not yet, but yes. The real question though, is do I want to be a Mother or a Father. It’s another question I don’t know the answer to.

If I had been born female I’d have been the happiest mother. As a male though, do I want my child to go through the issues of having a mother that used to be someone’s son? It’s a lot for kids to deal with, and as I always say I only want what is right for me as long as it isn’t wrong for someone else.

I guess these are issues that I can blurt out at the GIC next month. Yes, that’s right they moved my appointment back another month. Honestly I don’t mind, but I will start to mind if this coming appointment doesn’t materialize.

I am also currently off work ill. My girlfriend had a chest infection that was obviously so lovely she didn’t want to keep it all to herself. So now I’m basically housebound; walking anywhere further than the bathroom causes me to get very short of breath and dizzy. Sarah’s gone back to work today so I’m spending my alone time updating here.

So, now that I have all that out of my system, lets move onto better things.

I am currently in the market for a new wig. My hair was cut in a tragic planned appointment several months ago, and looking back at pictures before that I think my hair looked terrible in the state I kept it. I would love to grow it out and style it but as I’m still ‘undercover’ I can’t do that. So a new wig. I’ve looked around the internet for human hair wigs, and whilst everything about them appeals but the price, I’ve heard some people saying that a good synthetic wig is better. I’d just like to hear some opinions. Also some style options. I love the wig below, but apparently the website it is on is basically a scam site and many people have reported not receiving their goods and if they have, it being a less than stellar quality. So I’d like something like that on a reputable site.

Also I’m now on tvChix. My username is EllaUK. If you’re interested in going out to a club somewhere local then by all means leave me a message, I’ll do my best to get back to you. I would love to go out at least once a month as Ella, but we’ll have to see.

Well, thanks for reading again, I’ll look at uploading some pictures later in the week. There’s still some from April I haven’t got up.

Night! X