And So it Begins… again

Tuesday, 1 February 2011


It was close call this week. I was determined to get to the Doctors at some point this week. At one point I thought I was going have to wait for another week, and it was for the most ridiculous sounding, but valid, reason. At the beginning of the week I was ill and therefore housebound. It wasn’t anything terrible, we worked out that it must have been a dodgy pizza that I’d ordered for take-away. We had eaten some pork that was out of date by two days a couple of days before, but Sarah insisted that it wouldn’t have been her cooking that got me ill! All the same I felt terrible and was doing the usual ‘kneeling over the toilet’ routine that I tend to do when feeling sick.

So I was off work for two days, and getting the doctors would have been a task not worth attempting. Especially considering the one I was registered at was about a mile away and I can’t drive.

But thankfully towards the end of this week I got better. Not completely, but enough. So yesterday, with my day off, I decided to register myself at a more local doctor’s. And when I say local, well, I can practically see it from my window. It is literally about 100m away. I mean if I was Usain Bolt (and was not intimidated by dual carriageways) I could be there in under 10 seconds. I’m not sure that there’s any other way I can convey the fact that this place is in the very near vicinity. Seriously it’s close. Very.

Anyway yes, so I trudged over to the doctors, filled out all my relevant forms and got myself an appointment for next Monday. This is it, I’m starting again. It has been about 2-3 years since the first time I tried, and I hope that this time I can get the funding. I realise that funding is a difficult thing to get in my situation, especially as I’m not into the whole self-harming suicidal tendencies that some transgendered people are. Which I guess is fair enough. The people that are more likely to kill themselves should really have priority. So anyway, yes, I’ll let you know how that goes after next Monday. If it’s anything like last time, they’ll refer me to a nearby clinic and then I’ll see where it goes from there. That is as far as I got the first time around. I’m also hoping Sarah can come in with me to the second discussion. Sarah is feeling understandably worried about me looking at doing this again. As we are at the moment, I can mostly hide myself when around her parents, but if I go through with this they will have to know.

This really bothers me, I have to say. I think it was bad enough telling my parents about it, but involving a family other than mine and making it an issue there just seems plain rude. I also don’t think they’ll take it too well, in fact Sarah thinks that they may make her choose between me and them. I obviously do not want that situation at all. I wish there was an easier way than this.

Well I think I’ll wrap it up there. The only other thing I wanted to say was that I am hoping to learn to drive this month and rather thankfully my parents have said that they’ll pay for my lessons. I’ve been reluctant to do it up until now, but now that I’ve actually decided to go ahead and do it I’m quite excited about it!

The pictures I’m putting up are a few I can’t believe I never uploaded the first time around. They are from June last year, so not exactly recent, but I think they’re alright all the same! I also don’t have any new ones…

IMG_2080 (1)

IMG_2072 (1)

IMG_2073 (1)

Night! X


18 Responses to “And So it Begins… again”

  1. andy Says:

    yummy ella

  2. Missy Wonders Says:

    Absolutely amazing pics Ella, and good for you for taking the initiative and registering at a doctor’s office that is closer.

  3. DelorisCD Says:

    Well sweety good thing you got well soon. Ive just got over a bad cold myself. So what Im trying to understand is what your starting back up is you dressing up? Correct me if wrong. Well sweety in your case it seems a yes or no question in the sence that you wanna be a girl or stay a boy.

    I understand your trouble with revealing yourself to your family and friends. I did it and yes it was horrible nobody talked to me, I got kicked out of family functions, and not welcomed in alot of my friends and families homes. In the end I said fuck it and them, Im happy being a TG and thats all that matters. Soon after time many of them came to accept who I was and things kinda got back to normal.

    I say in my opinion wait until you and Sarah are married or living together, have jobs and have settled to reveal yourself to everyone. That way they wont bother either of you and you guys will already have your own home and everything. Its what I did. hehehehehe

    Well good luck sweety and Ill be waiting for more post and pics. Also you should really do alot more fullbody pics. You look great. heheheheh

  4. Says:

    Wow wow wow you are just sooo sexy. I wish I had your looks.

  5. harry Says:

    good luck next week

  6. rheapdx1 Says:

    Hey Ella,

    First off great pics……there are not enough adjectives. let alone superlatives that can describe them.

    Secondly and it goes without saying that anything from this desk [as you already know from the copious emails from here] is unconditional. As in Uncondtional Love and Support. For a whole host of reasons, not the least of which is the fact that in starting this particular path, one needs to have that, seeing that what can and does happen as a result of being on the HRT. So never ever worry about this friend turning tail, so to speak.

    As for the getting on the hormones etc, when you see the doc next….ask a lot of questions. Please…by all means do so…as in:

    -which types [be they pill or injection] of the protocols can be used

    -what their benefits as well as side effects can be

    -how is the doc going to monitor the levels, re: blood chemistries and will this be every 4-6 weeks etc.

    -what [if you wanted to supplement the HRT with natural hormones] or which of those can be safely reccommended

    [Also have the following site bookmarked, if not already <- the info there on the hormones can be a lifesaver and help you keep those who are seeing honest]

    Now if it sounds like I am repeating myself from previous letters and what 'the gang of 5' here is doing, there is a very good reason for that. A darn set of reasons, mosttly having to do with seeing some who have taken the path and sadly have encountered more medical issues than space would allow for here. WHile there are the urban legends about folks who have gone on the HRT and life after becomes something akin a Disney version of life ever after. The reality is that at times while the HRT etc helps the person achieve what they want to…there are times when it, in a sense can be counterproductive.

    Case in point here about 7-8 years ago. I was on the HRT c/o another internist I was seeing. Wonderful person and she was about as honest about treating her patients as the day was long. Initially she was hesitant to place me on the HRT [0.0625 daily in patch form at that time] due to the fact that the family medical history included hypertension. OVer a time of about 6 months or so, I was on the estradiol patches and there was some growth. YAY but…there was a problem with the blood pressure. Hence it was halted. And due to current issues….cannot be started again, the CHF and blood pressure being what they are [along with other things]. However…it does not mean that one cannot live without the benefit of the HRT…far from it..

    One last bit of advice from the land of TheRoyalBadnesses: please do not let anyone rush you into doing this or upping the dosage to be seen as being a 'true T-person'. Rushing through anything in order to meet a set of expectations of others who may or may not have the best interests of the person at heart can set up a series of uncomfortable circumstances down the road. Think in terms of those who glom onto musicians to want to be in the entourage, but scatter like the beam from a busted flashlight when there is a new bandwagon to jump on, or for that matter a person who is the 'next big thing' [slightly ancient terms, but you get the idea].

    Good Luck next week hon…and remember what has been said here is meant in the spirit of unconditional love.

    Til Later On,

    Love Always!!


  7. martyn Says:

    hi ella

    loved the pic,s god luck with the docs hope it all works out well for you


  8. julia b Says:

    Dear Ella
    I think you are stunning and wonderful. I know you hear that a lot and with some of us older CD’s it may well be tinged with a bit of jealousy. However, I’m not sure if you’re bi or get a sexual thrill out of the whole transgender thing (I do), or if you are genuinely wishing to be a girl.

    Do you consider yourself heterosexual? I have a theory that many of us committed CDers do it because of an innate love of the female form and all that goes with it. I think we often sublimate our yearnings for what we would like to see and feel into something more achievable – and dress to please US. The bi thing comes in second place. I think there are many degrees of this phenomenon ranging from those who flirt with the concepts and the games to those who are almost wholly consumed.

    If I were you, and given your obvious attachment to Sarah – and her wonderful support, I would be very careful about ‘going the whole hog’. If the down side is destroying family relationships and other friendships I would perhaps be looking at keeping it a thing between you and her primarily. Your on-line persona excites a lot of attention and positive comment, but none of those people have anything at stake with your situation except perhaps some validation of their own plight. If your partner is as utterly supportive as she appears to be then you can achieve a lot with careful diet and cosmetics, especially at your age.

    Ironically, I write this while sitting in a-cup bra, floral top, short black skirt, white lace panties, black hold-ups and a pair of 5″ wedges. I love c++k in panties, so I have to regard myself as bi, but I don’t like men in the raw sexually and I love women of all shapes and sizes. Nevertheless, I get a thrill from being dressed like this and seeing others the same.

    Take care you lovely person (I like the sense of humour that appears to come through some of your posts). Best wishes to you and to Sarah.

    Julia xx

  9. JoJo Says:

    Just be true to yourself
    Decide where your own beauty lies and go with it
    Good luck

  10. Angela M. Says:

    Hi Ella, I like the others say be true to yourself and also be strong in your relationship with Sara she sounds like a fine friend and partner. You don’t appear to “need” HRT to be a beautiful girl so I assume you want to start so you can be a whole woman in your mind and body. I have struggled my whole life with that nagging question of am I truly a girl inside or just a cross dresser in the closet, although not to my wife who knew of my dressing before we got married. If I had all the services available to me that young people have today I would have transitioned in a heartbeat in my early teens or perhaps before that like Kim Petras in Germany. We can assume you and Sara have talked this over at length and it is a decision you both agree on but I don’t think you would need to “come out” to her family right away as the results would not be that apparent for awhile and I am sure they have noticed some effeminate features and mannerisms you already posses and are OK with that now. As with all of us here I wish you well and best of luck for your future and I look forward to reading more about your progress in the near future. Be well and please keep in touch,
    Luv & Hugs Angela M…
    P.S. good luck with your driving lessons and the doctors and also thanks so much for your wonderful pics.

  11. Cami B Says:

    I agree with the consensus that you have to be true to yourself. I speak from experience when I say that you cannot live your life according to making other people happy. You have to be happy within your own skin first. Yes you can consider their feelings, and that should be done too. Finding that balance is going to be tough, but when you do, you will not regret it.

    Coming out to family and friends was a huge hurdle to me, but now, years later, I don’t see how I didn’t do it before. It will become easier in time if you choose to transition.

    Best of luck to you dear, and thank you for letting us have peeks into your mind. *hugs*

  12. Leigham Says:

    Good luck Ella. Could be the start of your life as it should have been from the beginning 🙂

  13. spacial Says:

    Really interesting update Ella.

    So pleased for you. Really hope things work out with Sarah’s parents. Can you try leaving some literature casually lying around about transgender, next time they visit? That might bring up a conversation so you can gauge what they think.

    Great photos. Good luck

  14. Lisa Says:

    Hi Ella. I am 28 year old post op Transwoman.i started my transition to becoming the woman i am today when i was in my early 20s,starting off on hormones + then eventually undergoing Gender Reassignment advice to you is if you are totally sure that you want to do that – start now when you are still young,as it will be alot easier for you long term.i wont lie to you by telling you everything was easy,but it has been all worth it.i am alot happier in now than what i was before.good luck.x

  15. Ms Rita,Ts;Tv-1950-2011, Says:

    Hello-Rita is here,I am an old

    Hello,I am a Transsexual,and a Transvestite.I dress excluivsely in a Woman’s clothes,since I was a child I have known that I Was different.I sold my Virginity when I was 9 1/2 yrs old,in 1956,I am now 65 yrs old.I hate HomosexUals,because I am not a queer;I am me,I am pre.op.I entent to keep my pussy the way it is.came across your site and was intriqued with your hones

  16. Christine Says:

    Thanks in favor of sharing such a pleasant idea, piece of writing
    is nice, thats why i have read it completely

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  18. Archy Says:

    Hello! I hope here can be Ella’s friends, who know her in her real life. Would you please, send these drawings to her, thanks beforehand!

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