Moving on Up!

Tuesday, 18 January 2011

10:56

I am finding it increasingly difficult to come on here and write a new entry. It feels like the longer I wait between posts, the more meaningful I have to make it. But life isn’t like the movies, something amazing and life-changing doesn’t happen everyday. Well not stuff that is movie worthy anyway. It sort of feels like I’m wandering through my days with glazed eyes, and still I do nothing about it. I’m not saying I’m wasting my life, I don’t feel that way. But it sort of feels like I’m not doing everything I want to do with it. But is that really so weird? Can you honestly say that you are glad with everything that you do right now? There are certain facts to life that include doing things that we don’t always want to, just to please others.

This is not me giving in, by the way. The situation I’m in is a difficult one, but it is neither unique nor the worst that people can experience. It just feels like there is no correct way to solve it. When it comes down to your happiness against a group of others, the answer seems to be obvious to me. You always put the other people’s happiness above your own. When you put it like that it sounds simple, but then, can you live with the consequences of that rational decision? Probably not.

On the other hand, when the only two solutions that present themselves are to be selfish, or have a possible lifetime of dissatisfaction, the solution seems so obvious again, but this time being selfish seems like the way to go.

Essentially each solution has its own pros and cons, and quite frankly I am a terrible decision maker. Seriously, I have problems choosing what to have for breakfast. It does feel a little like being thrown into the deep-end as soon as you leave education. It’s like up until that point you have been given a guided tour down a narrow path, and soon as the path ends, you’re pushed into an expansive field with absolutely no indication as to which direction to go. Some kids know what they want to do as soon as they pop out the womb it seems, but when I was younger I only ever half-heartedly stated I wanted to be an artist. There was one point that I was set on being a fairground ride designer, but that’s mainly because I played too much RollerCoaster Tycoon! I enjoy all sorts of things, but I’ve never really liked something enough to want to do it professionally, nor have I really got the skills to anyway.

I guess my problem is that I have very little direction in my life. I need to set myself some solid life goals and actually make sure I achieve them.

Ok, in the next two weeks I will, will, go back to the doctors to begin me on that road again. I will also have a look out for some better looking jobs. Also, let’s see if I can take some more pictures, and not just of myself.

Speaking of pictures of myself, here’s a few I didn’t upload from the last batch!

IMG_2138 (1)

IMG_2150 (1)

IMG_2160 (1)

IMG_2176 (1)

IMG_2188 (1)

IMG_2177 (1)

Time to break free.

Night! X

16 Responses to “Moving on Up!”

  1. cdaprilcd@aol.com Says:

    Dear Ella…don’t worry about how often you write or if what you have to say is important…we’re all very interested in your situation and love hearing from you even if it’s only about having lunch or a trip to the mall…it’s been awhile waiting for new photos but it was well worth the wait…you’re beautiful!…love…Heather

  2. hotbetty76 Says:

    you will be ok. stay postive and you will get there. love the new pics.🙂

  3. angelladee Says:

    Hi Ella. Time I wrote on my blog again too. I turned 50 yrs old last year and I still dont know what to do with the rest of my life. However I have just had breast implants inserted last week and I am extremely happy with my knew look. Now my options are completely open. The goal posts have moved yet again and I feel like a teenager all over again. I dont know what is gonna pan out, but I do know that whatever the world slings at me I am now in a better place to accept it. My confidence and self esteem are on a new super high and I regret nothing about my lifes decisions! Sometimes you have to do what is best for you as in the end you will be a better person and then everyone else will benifit from your life choices! all my love Angela~Dee x x x x

  4. Felicity Says:

    Little tip. Buy a smartphone. Quite the investment, I know. But worth it as I do 99% of my blogging on my way to work and during breaks.

    Xxx
    Fe

  5. martyn Says:

    Hi Ella, good to hear from you again good luck in the future hope everything works out for you

    martyn
    x

  6. Becky Says:

    Well, what could be said to it? Nothing new under the sun! We’ll find ourselves before a conjunction road from time to time. Even as you wrote: like finding yourself right in the middle of a field of nowhere. And no compass, no map, no nothing. Lost.

    Right now, I have different problems, but I’ve been there. These moments are those that let us rethink our lives (that I feel you’ve been doing for some time, now…) Maybe not to go back and re-do or make a course correction. But indeed to get a course. It’s not a curse, it’s a blessing. Perhaps you have to take little steps into that and not try to fix your whole life right now.

    Imagine yourself right on that field. Find a landmak, someplace high and get to the top of that hill. It surely won’t be your long-term goal, but it will defenitively help you look out beyond. Then it will be easier to decide your next move. Maybe, your goal needs you to go back down and cross that extent field again, but you now have a course to take, and you know where you are going. Maybe it leads you to go beyond the hill, to a place you never imagined.

    With this, I mean to say that you idea of changing jobs is not mediocre at all. Just make sure your attitude is up to learn and discover. Don’t do it merely because you’ve had it wit your current job, but to do something fun. Money shouldn’t matter. I guess any job will pay the bills somehow. The clue relies in finding something you can learn from and grow.

    I have a lot of dificculty takiing decisions as well. I cand spend like 10 minutes in front of the closet trying to find something suitable for the day. And trust me, my wardrobe is not too extensive!

    I discovered just this last week, my real problem is letting go. I can’t afford to lose something, and making a decision forcefully makes you win something an lose another. That last part is my problem. I don’t know, It’s a recent discovery, and I thought probably you’d feel identified with that.

    If it helps, I’m working on letting go. A lot of things: old friends I don’t talk to anymore, important people to me that have passed away, memories, experiences I could never have, experiences I know I won’t have, things I’ve lost and things I won’t get or that I will get in a very long time!

    Lately I’ve been getting closer to Church. And it’s been a real help. These last few days I’ve been praying and asking God to inspire every decision making that’s important in my life. That, at least, will asure me He will be with me when I have to assume the consequences.

    That came to me when I read a story about a man who was complaining to God about his life, how miserable he felt, and how could god had let him go through many bad decisions now afecting him. Then God would answer: “Well, and when did you invite me to take those decisions with you?”

    So it is. I haven’t heard any voice or seen any dwarflike angel on my shoulder telling me what to do. But after praying, I’ve been taking some big time choices with a lot of peace. I guess that’s Him. I only say: “God first” and move. I know He won’t let me down.

    I really hope sharing this helps you somehow. Even if it is only to know you’re not alone, and there’s a lot of people confronting themselves. That’s what life is all about. Think about it: else it’d be quite boring!

    Maybe after this you’ll find that exiting passion in life. I know it. I like crossdressing a lot, but it’s not my life-drive.

    Hope you get through this dessert successfully. If it helps even further, I reccomend you the book “The Alchemist”, by Paulo Cohelo. It’s really good. I think it’ll enlight you!

    http://www.persianlite.org/ketab/Paulo%20Coelho%20-%20The%20Alchemist.pdf

    With this I say good bye. Best wishes to you!

    Kisses & blessings!

    Becky xoxoxo

  7. Missy Wonders Says:

    Have you ever visited the sissy kiss site? A decent sized portion of the site and it’s members are devoted to the more erotic side of crossdressing, transgender, transsexualism along with adult baby play; but will also find a lot of support for yourself there as well.

    Wish the best for you,

    Missy Wonders

  8. rheapdx1 Says:

    Hey Ella,

    Hon the fact thatt things are at a crossroads is nothing new for those who are deciding whether transition or not is a good option. but if this helps any…as in the examples given by myself and others….the fact is that one does need to do what is right for them.

    Keep in mind that this road becomes selfish if one only sees themselves as being the centre of the universe, which is not the case I see with you . There are others conversely who see themselves as they are the all being in this….and as such, do give others who are wanting to go through transition, being FT etc a rather bad name. Remember too that this is not nor is is in any way shape or form a competition between You and others who are doing the same thing. She who dies with the most toys, the more conventions gone to, the most FFS operations etc only works in the movies, more like bad melodramas at that. If life were that way, gee many more folks would be unhappy, among other things which would make more work for shrinks, but would not bode well for the person in general.

    You do have the skills to be an artist, an engineering designer for more than just fairgrounds etc. In short, you do have a very very wide open field. Do not let any false set of limitations derail what can be a truly wonderful life. After all…as someone else mentioned to me quite a few years ago when I was still wallowing in some courses and work that was not beneficial to the overall mindset ‘life is not a dress rehearsal’.

    Hon…if you ever want to talk beyind this space, you have the email here as well as the phn #[don;t worry about the rates, I will cover…after all I have a few folks who owe this GoodFeather a few favors *S*]. Before I close this one out, let me leave You with something that was said by someone a hell of a lot wiser than I:

    ‘In this setting we will persue perfection. We may not attain it, but along the way, we will achieve excellence’

    – Vince Lombardi

    A lot says you are on that path. Please keep this in mind. And along the way, there will be other little boosters that will come along in email *S* After all…You are someone whose spark I would love to help inspire and encourage towards more.

    Til Later On and Love Always!!!

    Randi

  9. Chökhor Says:

    Ella,

    I want to share with you my thoughts regarding this line: “When it comes down to your happiness against a group of others, the answer seems to be obvious to me. You always put the other people’s happiness above your own. When you put it like that it sounds simple, but then, can you live with the consequences of that rational decision? Probably not.”

    I’m transgendered and I’ve lived almost forty years of my life for others, not for myself. I repressed my gender and gender expression because it was not what others wanted. I put their wants ahead of my needs. I was so engrossed in making sure other people were happy and approved of me that I made myself miserable, no, SICK, inside. I was an “approval-whore” – I couldn’t approve of myself as transgendered and I couldn’t make myself happy in a way the reaffirmed my gender so I needed more and more approval and to make more and more people happy. The more I did it the worse and worse I got – all that anger, sadness, isolation – it was too much. Somehow I got out from it and am in the process of coming out to friends and family, but not without some emotional issues that I’m still scared to face.

    Don’t go down that road. And never think that putting your needs above other peoples wants is selfish. Ultimately you and only you are responsible for your own life, and your own happiness. You’ll never find your own happiness outside of yourself.

    Love,
    Chökhor

  10. John Says:

    I hate to hear that you’re in such a state. I think it makes no sense for someone like you to be down on themself for having trouble figuring out who they want to be. I mean come on. Anyway, I hope you’ll find inspiration to post on here a little more often. It doesn’t have to be anything momentous. Looking at it that way will turn what you used to love into an obligation you dread. The pics are beautiful, as always. I’m sure we all hope to hear from you again, sooner rather than later.

  11. spacial Says:

    I too am sorry to hear you’re feeling down.

    If it’s any consolation, there seems to be a bit of an epidemic of it lately, especially among the transgender community.

    We have so many hopes and aspirations. But the economy………

    On a bright note, things have been down before. They spring back.

    You’re the best Ella. From one of your major fans.

  12. spacial Says:

    Just had a look at the Sissy Kiss site, linked to by Missy Wonders, above.

    Given what you’ve said before Ella, this might not be your style.

    All I can ask is you try to develop some tolerance. This may not be within your own sphere of self expression, but it it makes people feel good and doesn’t harm others, then we should all applaud and support.

    • Missy Wonders Says:

      Yes, I agree with you that it may not be her style, which I tried to get across even though I didn’t say so directly. Just thought I’d mention it as a place for support if she needed it badly.

  13. Leigham Says:

    Heya Ella, hope everything is Ok.
    I know I’ve shared these before but these have been great for me.

    http://www.guardian.co.uk/profile/juliet-jacques – A great blog about transitioning from a very intelligent woman

    and

    http://www.reddit.com/r/transgender/

    Becuase it’s reddit, and reddit is the best thing on the internet. Please do join it’s a great community. Infact all TV/TS/CD who read this should join! I’m Leigham on it.

    Much love

  14. www.effeff.nl Says:

    Hey there! This is kind of off topic but I need some guidance from an established blog. Is it difficult to set up your own blog? I’m not very techincal but I can figure things out pretty quick. I’m thinking about making my own but I’m not sure where to start. Do you have any ideas or suggestions? Appreciate it

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s


%d bloggers like this: