The Barbershop Cold Sweat

Tuesday, 12 October 2010


Thank you to those of you who replied to my last blog. I hope it doesn’t seem like I write these things on my blog just so I can receive some attention and reassurance, that really isn’t why I do this, but all the same, it is very much appreciated. I have been writing this diary for a long while now; my first entry was just over 4 years ago. It seems like longer than that if I’m honest. I started writing for me, but I figured that some people would appreciate reading that someone is going through the same things they are. Also I can’t see the harm in getting people that would otherwise be unaware of our issues to see what we go through. It isn’t life threatening sure, and there’s too many other people out there with terrible lives that have probably never even dreamed of questioning whether they were born in the wrong body or not. I am privileged, I do realise that and I do feel quite selfish for complaining and getting upset over quite frankly relatively menial issues when compared to others.

So with that in mind, I’ve decided to be more cheerful today! It really is about time I stopped crying my way through my youth and started enjoying it a bit more. I know I should.

So on Monday, to start me off, I got a new haircut! Wait, hold up, unfortunately it was not in a women’s salon and it did not involve any fancy stuff. It was a simple walk in men’s barbers 10 minute jobby. But I have to say, given how long my hair has got, he did a pretty good job at tidying it up. It is a little shorter than it was, but looks much better, and if anything, looks more feminine, so I’m not unhappy with it! I will have to show you these new pictures I took. Yes, I actually have new pictures. Shocker.

Finding a salon was a little tricky though. Well I say tricky. Most people would have probably been able to manage it by simply walking into their nearest salon, but no, not me. I wandered around in a seemingly aimless manner assessing all possible relevant businesses. First of all I checked all my usual salons, and for some unknown reason they’re all shut on a Monday. Not sure why, but fine, things like this happen, I’ll just pick a new one. So I scout around for a good cheap unassuming barbers. There were the ones that made my wallet sweat from looking at the price list and then there were the ones that I could pretty much smell the word ‘scummy’ just from walking past it. I decided that neither of these extremes would hack it. So I thought, instead of just choosing a decent looking one at random, I’ll head back to my flat (in the town centre) and look up reviews of the local salons on the computer. Why not? I was bored and that is what the internet is there for right?! So I did a bit of research and plotted my course. I made sure I didn’t pass by any salons that might have already seen me looking in their window because they might find me odd. Hell, they probably do anyway, but that’s not the point. Being some long haired guy peeking longingly through the windows of salons might give the impression that I’ve been there for months and forgotten how to get in or something.

So yes anyway, I made my way to this new salon that the internet had reassured me was good. Well there were a couple of negative reviews, but when isn’t there really? It seems like for every product for sale on the internet someone somewhere has had their life ruined by it and feel the need to ‘One Star’ or ‘Thumbs Down’ the relevant product, spouting hateful phrases like “DO NOT BUY, DOES NOT WORK!” as if they’re whole life is now devoted to conspiring against whatever the product may be. Too many things these days seem to need to be rated or voted for by the public. You might even say that everything has become overrated. Then again, you might not; it’s up to you apparently.

Anyway, yes, I turned up at this well reviewed location and it too turns out to be closed on Mondays. I subsequently panicked and walked quickly back home. It was about this sort of time that I realised I was being utterly stupid. For some reason I seem to lack the confidence to even walk into a salon in guy mode and get a hair cut! How hard should it be?! So I got up again, walked with purpose into a randomly picked salon and got my damn hair cut, and it was not a scary experience at all! What was I worried about? If I have these kinds of issues living as a guy what am I going to be like as a girl? If I’m already so self-conscious it’s unreal, I’ll probably never be able to bring myself to leave the house if I transitioned!

This is but one of the issues I have to get over, no matter what I end up doing in the future. Confidence should be gained through life experiences and I do (surprisingly) feel more confident with myself now than I ever have done.

Sorry about going on for about four paragraphs about a simple haircut, but I thought I would be honest about how ridiculous I can be sometimes so I can look back at this in the future and laugh at my current self. I did just look back at my first entry and got much the same reaction. I was being overly dramatic about an invasive crane fly and judging by the way I’d written it, it seemed like the most unfortunate thing in the world that could ever happen to anyone ever! I’m not so much like that anymore. Sure I have bouts of silliness when it comes to conversing with my fellow human, but I am better than I was, and despite what I said in my last blog about being no more Ella than I was when I started, I sure am a much better me. And being a better, happier me is all I should really be working towards.

IMG_2100 (1) IMG_2116 (1) IMG_2126 (1)

Night! X


21 Responses to “The Barbershop Cold Sweat”

  1. Felicity Says:

    “I’ll probably never be able to bring myself to leave the house if I transitioned!”
    Take a good long look at your new pictures and realize that you wouldn’t have to worry about that. You dress like a woman is supposed to dress (as opposed to the dreaded tranny look), your body screams female, both the curves and your posture and your face has no male markers whatsoever. I wish I looked like that : D.
    But yeah, lack of confidence does seem to be a typical TG trait.
    But to come back to the actual point of your post, your hair looks great.


  2. hotbetty76 Says:

    sexy pics i like it 🙂

  3. dungduk Says:

    still look pretty as a girl look… nice look…
    i like your style n face…

  4. Greg Says:

    I love your short shorts with the nylons! WOW! SEXY!!

  5. Tony McSHiny Says:

    Great haircut!

  6. stephanie Says:

    Like Felicity says, you could “pass” just as you are; it is simply staggering. I want to add that I worried myself sick about going out as the “real” me. Particularly when it comes to navigating the neighbors. And, if I am honest, I still worry about it. But you know what? I am so much happier as the “real” me that it carries me out the door these days. Just running errands is a pleasure because I can be me. The odd thing is that I have actually started getting upset when I have to change to boy-mode. That’s not me anymore and it just hurts.

    So… put on something nice (maybe a little less sexually charged than what you have on above) and just go out. Do it every day. (I understand the work thing; be feminine everywhere but work.) You will feel so much better about yourself and be surprised that so few people care.

    But warning: you may find that you begin to have trouble crossing back.

    Good luck, young lady.

  7. Randi Dennis Says:

    Hey Ella,

    Nice New pics…..which shows that the path was and is the right one more or less. As has been mentioned from here before, it is somewhat obvious that it looks as though this was ‘predestined’ if you see what I mean.

    As for gaining confidence, yes that is going to happen over time. Each of us ….including myself have gone through the same thing, be it a barber shop or years ago here….getting eyeglasses [no I do not wear those anymore, but that is another story] It will get to the point where this is just another little errand. No different than going to the market, the bank, the doctor or work. And take it from someone who has 20 years in on this…all of what is going on will become more or less mundane and part of the daily routine, where instead of there being fear, there will be the friendly [at times an oxymoron about some trips out, but You see what I mean] trips out where even the first conversation will be ‘Hi How are You? Nice Outfit, Etc’] Or like what has happened here over time when it is now ‘Hi, How are things, still fixing PC’s, How are the cats? Nice contacts and outfit’….those sorts of things.

    By the by You were not complaining…just expressing some reservations about certain issues.That by the by is…..wait for it and perish the thought…..’NORMAL'[Will detail a few other things, emailwise]. There are several parsecs worth of difference bet those who write where it becomes a ‘poor poor pitiful me’ session and do not really do anything about it and Yourself where You are making the effort to try. Some are baby steps, but gee whiz…that happened here too and with others as well. You should be proud of the fact that You are doing that…

    In any event…just remember that Your own pace is Your Own Pace, going at any other to, for lack of a better term…keep up with the Janeses can and at times make as much sense as a screen door on a submarine. And other things will come in their own time as a result *S*

    Til Later on,

    Love Always!!


  8. shinkei chan Says:

    Breath taking new pics!

  9. sophiataylor Says:

    Hello dear Ella,

    I had the opportunity to write the first comment but I missed. 🙂
    First, you don’t have to worry; you are as feminine as most of us can be only in dreams. As Stephanie said, put on some more common females’ clothes and go out. Some skinny jeans, some long sleeved women’s shirt, some sweater and jacket and you’re the perfect young lady. Gain some self confidence! (Hey, Sophie you have to do the same! 🙂 )
    Second, problems and struggles always connected to the social level of the individual. We have problems with our gender issues. The poor people of Africa don’t have such problem; their day is full of finding something to eat. Yes, we’re privileged but this doesn’t mean that we can’t have our problems. We just have to solve ours and help others to solve theirs.

    With love,

  10. LOYS Says:


  11. Leigham Says:

    Ella, you look now and always will look wonderful.
    Great to read some cheerful blogs again though 🙂

    I was pretty lucky when I first got my hair cut after a long time, I have somewhere near by that was in the good salon guide that called itself unisex and had cheap rates for men. I think I am one of the few males who use it though as they all know me by voice on the phone.

    So is pretty win, i get all the good treatment without feeling uncomfortable.

    much love

  12. exaxis Says:

    Felicty and Stephanie are both spot on. You simply look natural.

  13. spacial Says:

    Another really interesting blog Ella.

    You look great, as always.

    Thanks again. Really enjoy reading your stuff.

  14. BeckyL Says:

    You keep being true to yourself – and you’ll always look fab. 🙂

  15. Leigham Says:

    Hey Ella
    Have you noticed how well accepted transexuals have been in the media lately? Here’s an example –

    Just goes to show you should just feel better about just being yourself.

  16. Leigham Says:

    Also – – Articles written by a transsexual as she transists to becoming a female.

    Very inspirational and also shows you that it can be done! If you are brave enough that is 🙂


  17. Tim Says:

    I’m proud of you being yourself at such an early age. I’m approaching 40 and only now an I dealing with my own transgendered identity. You are an inspiration for me to be a little bit bolder each day – grow my hair long, paint my nails, etc.

    Thanks for blogging, I appreciate it.

  18. Steve Says:

    Ella, you look amazing! Like the others have said you could pass rather easily…

  19. april mae Says:

    Ella you are stunning with all the beauty of youth NOW is the time to be doing what you are doing, and the same applies to anyone who really is coming to see themselves as they really are. Had to laugh – this is typical of my decision making process, and as was always the case unless I am dressed – total self consciousness. Beautiful hair cut btw.

  20. Nicole Says:

    You look lovely so natural

  21. forbecomingella Says:

    Hello! I hope here can be Ella’s friends, who know her in her real life. Would you please, send these drawings to her, thanks beforehand!

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