Tuesday, 12 October 2010
Thank you to those of you who replied to my last blog. I hope it doesn’t seem like I write these things on my blog just so I can receive some attention and reassurance, that really isn’t why I do this, but all the same, it is very much appreciated. I have been writing this diary for a long while now; my first entry was just over 4 years ago. It seems like longer than that if I’m honest. I started writing for me, but I figured that some people would appreciate reading that someone is going through the same things they are. Also I can’t see the harm in getting people that would otherwise be unaware of our issues to see what we go through. It isn’t life threatening sure, and there’s too many other people out there with terrible lives that have probably never even dreamed of questioning whether they were born in the wrong body or not. I am privileged, I do realise that and I do feel quite selfish for complaining and getting upset over quite frankly relatively menial issues when compared to others.
So with that in mind, I’ve decided to be more cheerful today! It really is about time I stopped crying my way through my youth and started enjoying it a bit more. I know I should.
So on Monday, to start me off, I got a new haircut! Wait, hold up, unfortunately it was not in a women’s salon and it did not involve any fancy stuff. It was a simple walk in men’s barbers 10 minute jobby. But I have to say, given how long my hair has got, he did a pretty good job at tidying it up. It is a little shorter than it was, but looks much better, and if anything, looks more feminine, so I’m not unhappy with it! I will have to show you these new pictures I took. Yes, I actually have new pictures. Shocker.
Finding a salon was a little tricky though. Well I say tricky. Most people would have probably been able to manage it by simply walking into their nearest salon, but no, not me. I wandered around in a seemingly aimless manner assessing all possible relevant businesses. First of all I checked all my usual salons, and for some unknown reason they’re all shut on a Monday. Not sure why, but fine, things like this happen, I’ll just pick a new one. So I scout around for a good cheap unassuming barbers. There were the ones that made my wallet sweat from looking at the price list and then there were the ones that I could pretty much smell the word ‘scummy’ just from walking past it. I decided that neither of these extremes would hack it. So I thought, instead of just choosing a decent looking one at random, I’ll head back to my flat (in the town centre) and look up reviews of the local salons on the computer. Why not? I was bored and that is what the internet is there for right?! So I did a bit of research and plotted my course. I made sure I didn’t pass by any salons that might have already seen me looking in their window because they might find me odd. Hell, they probably do anyway, but that’s not the point. Being some long haired guy peeking longingly through the windows of salons might give the impression that I’ve been there for months and forgotten how to get in or something.
So yes anyway, I made my way to this new salon that the internet had reassured me was good. Well there were a couple of negative reviews, but when isn’t there really? It seems like for every product for sale on the internet someone somewhere has had their life ruined by it and feel the need to ‘One Star’ or ‘Thumbs Down’ the relevant product, spouting hateful phrases like “DO NOT BUY, DOES NOT WORK!” as if they’re whole life is now devoted to conspiring against whatever the product may be. Too many things these days seem to need to be rated or voted for by the public. You might even say that everything has become overrated. Then again, you might not; it’s up to you apparently.
Anyway, yes, I turned up at this well reviewed location and it too turns out to be closed on Mondays. I subsequently panicked and walked quickly back home. It was about this sort of time that I realised I was being utterly stupid. For some reason I seem to lack the confidence to even walk into a salon in guy mode and get a hair cut! How hard should it be?! So I got up again, walked with purpose into a randomly picked salon and got my damn hair cut, and it was not a scary experience at all! What was I worried about? If I have these kinds of issues living as a guy what am I going to be like as a girl? If I’m already so self-conscious it’s unreal, I’ll probably never be able to bring myself to leave the house if I transitioned!
This is but one of the issues I have to get over, no matter what I end up doing in the future. Confidence should be gained through life experiences and I do (surprisingly) feel more confident with myself now than I ever have done.
Sorry about going on for about four paragraphs about a simple haircut, but I thought I would be honest about how ridiculous I can be sometimes so I can look back at this in the future and laugh at my current self. I did just look back at my first entry and got much the same reaction. I was being overly dramatic about an invasive crane fly and judging by the way I’d written it, it seemed like the most unfortunate thing in the world that could ever happen to anyone ever! I’m not so much like that anymore. Sure I have bouts of silliness when it comes to conversing with my fellow human, but I am better than I was, and despite what I said in my last blog about being no more Ella than I was when I started, I sure am a much better me. And being a better, happier me is all I should really be working towards.