The Sin of Indecision

Thursday, 11 December 2008


Hi, I’d like to apologise once again for the drunken entry you received a few days ago, but on the plus side, it is going to illustrate my point perfectly.

Sarah. She’s a fantastic friend. Extraordinary! Marvellous! Incredible! As a friend. But, we’re moving beyond the ‘friend-zone’ now and into the realms ‘oh-my-god-this-is-all-so-new-to-me-I-don’t-have-a-clue-what-I’m-doing-and-whether-this-is-really-what-I-want’ zone.

The truth is, I guess, I’m finding it hard to be attracted to her for longer than just a night. When we’re kissing, when I’m quite drunk, everything is fine. I love how she makes me feel and I couldn’t be happier. When I wake up the next day, I’m suddenly filled with confusion. I still want to be with her, yes, but then again, I kinda don’t want to be with her. It is the hardest thing to try and write down, but I’m sure anyone who’s been in this situation will know. Am I just reacting this way because I’ve never done it before? Probably.

I think it’s probably got a lot to do with the fact I don’t want to have a relationship while I look like I do now. Because I’ve imagined this situation over in my head, and if I was born a girl I’d probably be jumping at the chance to be with her. I don’t want this gender issue to get in the way of everything, but it seems the possibility of a relationship with someone has made everything more confusing to me.

She’s also quite emotionally vulnerable herself. She’s only recently got over a previous boyfriend who treated her terribly and dumped her the night after she paid for a hotel room with him, and on top of that she opened up to him about a lot of things which is hard enough for Sarah anyway. Because of that I’m scared that I’m going to hurt her as well. I don’t want to be stupid and indecisive when really she needs someone that will stay with her for a long time and I’m not sure I want that. I do want to move in with her, I know that, but I’m not sure if that’s because of her or because I get to be me more.

I want this to work, I really do, but I don’t know if I’m ready. But if I’m not ready now, when will I ever be? Should I just go for it? We’ll see.

Night! X


7 Responses to “The Sin of Indecision”

  1. pantiesatwork Says:

    I just spent the last hour reading your blog. I’m going to make a few observations that have more to do with your entire blog and less to do with this specific entry, but I’ll try to wrap it up by bringing it back around to it.

    First, before you can make other people happy, you’ve got to make yourself happy. You can’t earn your parents acceptance, you’ve just got to be you, and let them deal with it. If the woman that is you is a good person, your parents will either come around and accept her, or they will miss out on knowing a wonderful woman. Either way, you’ve got to be good to you first. Then good to them.

    Second, and at fear of sounding like a tranny-loving creep, your pictures are really stunning and your videos are nice. You move like a girl for the most part, although I do see some hesitation in your movements like you’re either unsure or unpracticed. The fear your parents have of you looking not womanly after SRS are completely unfounded. I didn’t catch if you were on hormones, so I’m assuming not. If that’s you without hormones, then after surgery you’ll be perfectly passable. You need not worry about that.

    Finally, about Sarah. Look, she accepts you. That’s important. She may even complete you. I understand the indecision with all the flux and confusion in your life. But it seems like for the last six months or so, she’s been pretty rock solid. Don’t throw that away. At least give it a chance to grow.

    So there it is, for what it is worth. From a closet crossdresser who, after reading your blog, finds you pretty remarkable. I’ll be reading again.

  2. RheaPDX Says:

    My Dear Ella,

    Hon…meybe it is not so much indecision per se, but that You are measuring the pros and cons of this particular issue. That happens with everything in life be it relationships or careers. Sadly it is nothing new…

    Sweets, keep in mind that this is one situatiion where the addage about this being a marathon and not a sprint still would apply. In that, over time one wants to make decisions, a choice or choices that will benefit all the folks involved. It is something that has happened over time here with friends before..sometimes it works, sometimes it works with a few strains in it and then sometimes regretably things become distant. That does happen…

    Hon the issues You do face are what each of us in the community goes through…and still face at times. While it makes life a lot more interesting than watching the astroturf grow [oops I mean Field Turf], it does put our coping skills to the test. Also once some of the other items, such as the gender issues are dealt with…if the friendships are as strong as they are now….then that will make anuy other choices later on a little easier to come to. And yes while it may seem like Yours Truly has a few answers here, as others have noted in other corners, I am not perfect and have had to learn from mistakes down the road and gee…there are still a few more miles to go *S*

    Ella…Hon no matter which way things go…remember too You have a friend here!!!! The Marine Corps has a saying…’Semper Fidelis’, which is latin for ‘Always Faithful’. And that is what You will always get from this corner!!

    Til later on and Love Always!!!!


  3. Alex Storm Says:

    Wow, good advice. Don’t know how I could improve on it, especially with regards to the relationship end of things. My only advice would be to take things slow: Nothing good ever happens overnight.
    Also, and I think you’ve heard this before: do what is right for you. Be honest with Sarah about your feelings. Hey, I’m going to go on a limb and say this is new territory for her too. So honesty and truth are good places to start from.

  4. Mike from the USA Says:

    I too am a closet crossdresser who would liked to have been a girl , I married a woman we’ve been together 23 years now, yes she knows and supports me. If your friend accepts you then go ahead and move in and try living with her. if it works out great, but if it doesn’t at least you tried. If you don’t you may be sorry for the rest of your life. I wanted to be a girl not a guy and never followed through with it and have been sorry several times. I do have it better than most because I found someone who cares and supports me.

  5. Falcon Says:

    Hello Ella, well i think its very difficult yo know what do you want when you don´t know who are you want to be.

    Merry Christmas Ella, my best wishes and a hug.

  6. marcello italia Says:

    ciao , bella donna !!!!!
    sexy !!!!
    vorrei un bacio da te !!! …
    marcello dal calore del nostro sole …

  7. Laura Says:

    make a decision and stick with it babes. God you are young. You will only regret it later if you don’t follow you desire and needs.

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