Thursday, 11 December 2008
Hi, I’d like to apologise once again for the drunken entry you received a few days ago, but on the plus side, it is going to illustrate my point perfectly.
Sarah. She’s a fantastic friend. Extraordinary! Marvellous! Incredible! As a friend. But, we’re moving beyond the ‘friend-zone’ now and into the realms ‘oh-my-god-this-is-all-so-new-to-me-I-don’t-have-a-clue-what-I’m-doing-and-whether-this-is-really-what-I-want’ zone.
The truth is, I guess, I’m finding it hard to be attracted to her for longer than just a night. When we’re kissing, when I’m quite drunk, everything is fine. I love how she makes me feel and I couldn’t be happier. When I wake up the next day, I’m suddenly filled with confusion. I still want to be with her, yes, but then again, I kinda don’t want to be with her. It is the hardest thing to try and write down, but I’m sure anyone who’s been in this situation will know. Am I just reacting this way because I’ve never done it before? Probably.
I think it’s probably got a lot to do with the fact I don’t want to have a relationship while I look like I do now. Because I’ve imagined this situation over in my head, and if I was born a girl I’d probably be jumping at the chance to be with her. I don’t want this gender issue to get in the way of everything, but it seems the possibility of a relationship with someone has made everything more confusing to me.
She’s also quite emotionally vulnerable herself. She’s only recently got over a previous boyfriend who treated her terribly and dumped her the night after she paid for a hotel room with him, and on top of that she opened up to him about a lot of things which is hard enough for Sarah anyway. Because of that I’m scared that I’m going to hurt her as well. I don’t want to be stupid and indecisive when really she needs someone that will stay with her for a long time and I’m not sure I want that. I do want to move in with her, I know that, but I’m not sure if that’s because of her or because I get to be me more.
I want this to work, I really do, but I don’t know if I’m ready. But if I’m not ready now, when will I ever be? Should I just go for it? We’ll see.