I’m Not Even Angry…

Friday, 26 September 2008


I am still alive. In fact I’m doing fantastic and I’m still alive. Still alive, still alive…

I realised that the moment I exited the comfortable sunny beaches of transgendered websites to dive into the deep dark sea of YouTube and the like, I would come across sharks that would inevitably want to eat me up and leave nasty comments and poke fun.

Well maybe sharks are a little too high up the food chain for these idiots that just insult and attempt to offend. I think seaweed is more appropriate. Sure, it’s a bother when I’m swimming along and my leg gets caught in some seaweed, but at the end of the day I have a knife, so the seaweed is merely an inconvenience. Maybe I could even cut them off completely and make a nice soup when I get home.

So, to all the seaweed out there; I don’t care, I really don’t care. I’ve been happily surprised by the small amount of seaweed I’ve come across thus far anyway, and these new ones aren’t going to bother me at all.

Anyway, now I’ve cleared that up, I should probably let you know how I’ve been getting on. Well, the truth is, nothing has really changed. My parents are still ignoring this part of me. Recently at a family get-together one of my cousins was talking about a transgendered colleague at work, and how she gets treated unfairly, and as soon as the word ‘transgender’ was spoken I saw my mum physically jolted in her seat. I think it was only obvious to me because I knew she would, I don’t think the rest of my family noticed. The reaction I did like was from my Dad, who my cousin was talking to about this. He agreed it was unfair for her, and that has to be the closest sign I’ve had so far that he’s coming around. Before, he may have laughed, or maybe just not understood. Truth be told at the moment, I don’t think they’ll ever come around completely. We are that reserved as a family that I just don’t see them accepting this without them themselves changing, and I don’t want to change them as people, just their views.

As for my friends, nobody new knows. Sarah, the most accepting of all my friends, has a birthday coming up and has decided to do a Rocky Horror theme. Now, you may be surprised, but I’ve never seen that film, so I don’t know if it’s really suitable for me to be getting involved with something like that. I was hoping to wear my new Alice dress, but I highly doubt that fits in with the theme! Also, Sarah has been talking about travelling around the world with me. She’s been looking into getting round the world tickets, and I would be more than happy to do that as well. It’s something I’ve always wanted to do. What remains to be seen though is whether or not she’d let me be myself when we travel. It’s definitely a nice idea, but whether it will come to anything, we’ll have to wait and see, things like this usually don’t at the moment.

But I’m really being quite pessimistic. I’m lucky to have Sarah so understanding and accepting, and I’m lucky with all my other friends as well, many of which I still need to tell.

Hopefully I can work up the courage to get back to the doctors and get on with my life. I don’t know why I keep telling you this, I should really just get out there and do it. I want to be happy in my life, I want to be able to say “My life was a triumph, I’ll make a note here: ‘Huge Success’”.

Also there are a couple of new photos of mine up on Flickr…

25th August (2)


By the way, those of you that got the Portal reference, here’s your virtual cake. Seriously, it’s not a lie!

Night! X

20 Responses to “I’m Not Even Angry…”

  1. whenhopeislostnothingremains Says:

    Hey there,
    Good that you cut off the sea weed 😉
    I have noticed a lot more acceptance than I could have ever dreamed of.
    Well, I guess being transgendered is a bit LESS of a taboo than crossdressing. Certainly here in Belgium I guess.

    Anyway I really LOVE those pics you posted.
    There artistic. Not as (whatstheword) “sex-oriented” as most pictures of crossdressers/transgender on the net.

    I even don’t see a transgendered person/dressed up boy. It’s a pretty girl in those pics…

    Keep going. You’re on the right track!

  2. Elizabeth Says:

    hey Ella! well i just thought i would mention that it really does make things better when you have people you can talk to about your gender issue. I recently told a friend of mine (the first person i have ever told, the first person to ever know me in both my worlds) and as hard as that was, it was a brilliant decision. I would also like to wish you luck on your trip around the world. I can’t say I have been very many places, but I did get to goto Germany last year and it was fantastic. That is such a beautiful country with so much to see and do. Schloss Linderhof was my favorite castle, so if you ever goto germany you must go there! 🙂 I cant even pretend to know the UK is like, but would love to go one day. If you end up in America, if you dont go anywhere else, goto Chicago. Great food! Tons to do. But anyway, i really hope for you that you get to go on that trip, and i hope she doenst mind you being yourself. If she is any kind of a friend it wont be a problem. Have fun ELLA!


  3. Elizabeth Says:

    Oh in response to the whenhopeislostnothingremains ( i had to copy and paste that one) comment, i would have to agree, all your pictures are done in VERY good taste.

    keep writing!


  4. whenhopeislostnothingremains Says:

    By the way… if you end up in Belgium during your trip around the world, I can be some sort of guide if you want…
    And I can arrange an extra bed and couch as well…

  5. Falcon Says:

    I like the analogy of the seaweed, don’t bother about them I’m sure its just jealous and fool people. I see that you see the good side, you have a great persona around you, Sarah. About your Alice dress, you look great with it really beautiful but i think its not the appropriate costume for Rocky Horror theme. If you travel around the world and pass across México don’t hesitate in contact me.

  6. Randi Dennis Says:

    My Dear Ella,

    Hiya Hon and glad to see You are still around and Still amazing as ever!!!!!

    Sweets, one of the sadder parts of life on the net is the fact that whilre there is a ton of information, positive information for everything under the sun, sadly it has a rather ugly vicious undercurrent of shall we say those who either have migrated from the shallow end of the gene pool or were not there when manners and decency were being passed out by the powers that be upstairs. What can also be said here is that there are folks who for some unknown reason have an inordinate amount of time on their hands, but not enough gray matter as to how to put together a cogent sentence. And people say my cats are not civilized….As for the seaweed, I love it!!!It used to bother us when we would go to the beaches near home and if it were not the rocks it was this pernacious, but small weed that would get to the legs. Of course once taken out of the water and dried, they had some use, unlike comments on the net which could be best used as uh…uh…uh…yeah fertilizer….that’s it!!!!

    Hon I am also happy that you have the support of Sarah…that is fantastic!!You are lucky to have her hon…not many of us starting out or even hitting the middle time of transition are lucky enough to have someone in our corner who just understands and likes the person for the person and understands being transgendered is just who they are. As for Your World Trip…if that happens, You have an open door here!!!Besides, my cats know that I have a dear friend across the pond whose name comes up at least several times a day here. Heck, they do not mind because they know their mom likes being around great people….and that My Dear Ella is what You are, a great person….never let anyone tell You different!!

    Sweets a couple other notes here about the videos: keep going with them….and why not? As I mentioned in another post, yours truly was involved in media in Seattle during my first few years of transition. Yes, there were those who took potshots, but that was nothing compared to the compliments that myself and the crew had gotten on some issues we aired [This is not to brag, but before the wave of mergers that wiped out the old public acess team, we had produced a series of programs on public transit, which to this day still holds a ratings record…in that we beat out on 3 successive airings the local NBC station’s progam on the same issue…and those folks had more money and resources….we did this on $250 and several borrowed licences for music and other material] . To us be it my production partner or anyone else, those brickbats were as bothersome as a cloudy day. And Your image is parsecs beyond what yours truly was all those years ago….trust me on that [the older pics from Seattle on the Flickr page were the really good ones…..I will post some others from that prehistoric /jurassic era soon enough so you know what I am referring to]

    Sweetheart, Here is hoping You have a great day!!!!Sadly I was not on the net for the past few days because of one of the little medical issues I had intimated before through other means [more via seperate correspondence] but now is the time to play catch up so to speak. As always, You look great and Your life already is a Huge Success in that You are here, You are dealing with Your Issues and You have Friends. That by the by beats the alternatives!!!!

    Til later on and Love Always!!!!!!!!


    PS: There will be maybe one last major posting to Flickr of some new material (with a slight harvest theme:) And the big cake reference…Hey got it!!! LOL!!!


  7. Ellie Says:


    You, me and Elle are forming a crazy name group here.

    It’s going to take time. Your parents have lived a lifetime of their own opinions and ideals, so you can expect them to be set in their ways. That is a definite sign that your father is coming around. Your mum might need a bit more time. :] Twenty, thirty years ago, the word transgender wasn’t as common as it is now.

    Don’t worry too much, it gets better. Your parents will realise that you’re more important than simple gender politics.

    Anyway, as to your Rocky Horror dilemma. Just think of it as “Chicago gone wrong”. Or just find some stockings and a corset and go on from there.

    Speak soon,


  8. Ellie Says:


    Your Alice in Wonderland outfit wouldn’t look too out of place. Go for crazy makeup though. :]

  9. Nicky Says:

    Hi Ella ,
    Great to hear you’re very much alive and unaffected by the youtube plankton/pondlife minority! (Isn’t there a ‘little Nell’ character in Rocky Horror who wears a maids uniform?or did I dream that?) How’s your guitar playing? I’d give you free lessons if you’re near the London area but teaching a left-hander might be tricky, maybe we could use mirrors ?
    take care,
    regards Nickyxx

  10. Randi Dennis Says:

    My Dear Ella,

    Hiya Hon and just a little followup here in re: dealing with families…..and I may be revelaing a little more information here, but at this point is it not something that is earthshattering.

    Sweets, one of the things that has come out down through the years is that even though the folks here do send out the veneer of being relatively tolreant decent folks, more often than not there remarks and actions that show they are still stuck with harsh if not stereotypical views of their fellow man. And on the last one…that being ‘man’ it is extremely terse. I know this sounds insane, but to them, evem though I am 40 plus years, I would have been more acceptable if during that time I had pumped out kids via different ladies, had railroad tracks down the arms from different substances, had a jail record…in short all of the really antisocial aspects of life as opposed to being transgendered. Granted some of this could have been because of their respective upbriningings [dad in Brooklyn, mom in Kansas City, KS] and the professions they were in at the time my sis and I were brought into this world [dad a cop in NYC and is now an embalmer, mom a nurse] but one would think that this type of balance would even lead to a greater exposure to more people and a wider world view. I can tell you, as my sis can that this did not happen. In fact it just so narrow that not even an industrial angiogram could clear the arteries for these folks.

    Honey even with all of the positive things that happened during being fulltime, they still have a great deal of trouble with something simple as the NAME [if I were to telll you the real name here everyone would have a good laugh and then say ‘kid you were doomed’…but I will drop a hint: at http://www.irscorner.com/r/renais.html , a page about Renaissance, on the credits for the album ‘Time-Line’ check under the name of the persons playing horns and reeds. Yep, he is a distant relative, first name begins with a ‘B’ and as for the last name, take the ‘A’ off and add ‘EL’. Yes I swear on all of their albums, discs CD’s and illegal bootlegs I have that is the name]. How sickening was this? During the last hopsital trip, in spite of everything being done nice and legal over 20 years ago, they still were fighting me over which name was on the hospital registry. I will will not detail that here but it was just moe of this lack of respect aspect that happens from time time that reminds me that some folks will never grow past certain frozen in place concepts.

    Honey, like You I did not go into this to change their views of life and to upset them to no end, even with my somewhat rebellious streak. Being ‘Randi’ is who I am, who customers when I used to go out to fix PC’s saw or travelled went to ballgames concerts or even when I had the job with United Airlines in January running a helpdesk for them at PDX for a few weeks, They did not treat me as a freak, they saw yours truly as another geekette, a hired gun to come in and fix the new systems they were running [before their fire sale]. But there are still folks like the parents who do not see that emotionally and in other ways [current health status aside] I am much better off than being the ‘male’ that they wanted me to be or have tried to tun my nephews into….and that is another kettle of fish, so to speak.

    Dear Sweet Ella, DO NOT AT ANY POINT GIVE UP ON YOU ARE OR WHAT MAKES YOU SPECIAL!!!!!!!!!!!!!Fact is that if you are comforatble with Yourself, Your Goals and what You want to do, then you are ahead of the game. The doctorw will see that and understand point as will those other professionals who will see you for the woman you are…..nothing more and nothing less. The folks, they may come around and see the logic in all of what has transpired. Even if it is a latter day epiphany, if it happens hey great…nothing has changed. You are still a member of the family, a product of their union and they will see that in time . [Sorry did not mean to become a Marine drill instructor at the top of this… ]

    Sweetheart, I willl leave this note with the following: having seen a few Rocky Horror crowds in my day, the Alice dress is perfect for it!!![Living in NYC during its heyday actually did have an advantage] And if you look over at the FLickr page later on, there will be another old one showing…with glasses and yes I still look a little like that with contacts *S*.

    Til later on and Love Always!!


    PS: I Love You Very Much Ella..did not say that much tonight but wanted You to know here that the advice above was from the heart!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


  11. Sally-Jane Says:

    Hello Ella,

    If not for you tube I’d never been made aware of this web site.

    One community you may not be aware of is http://forum.girltalk.to/

    A UK based community of “Adult Little Girls”

    Talk there of Alice dresses and patent shoes, petticoats and dollies is always welcome. Maybe you’d find some kindred spirits there, and certainly some welcoming )HUGS(.

    The messages there go back over 8 years and perhaps hidden amongst those thread could be some of the answers you may be still looking for.

    Sugar and Spice and All things nice

  12. Randi Dennis Says:

    My Dear Ella,

    Hiya Hon, Hope You are doing ok!!!!!Just another little note here about a little post:

    The entire story about the Simonster is to the right. I thought I would get this and a couple others done over the next few days.

    Ella, Sweetheart have a wonderful day [will write more later via sep correspondence]!!!

    Love Always and Stay Strong!!!!!!


  13. Randi Dennis Says:

    My Dear Ella,

    Hi Honey and here is hoping all is going ok. Here well normality is starting to show up again, like the sun in the east, the seasons changing and the 2am warning shot from the local freight train line near here.

    Sweets just dropping a line to say hi and also that that little video is also at another site:


    Yep I am there and it is a different environment. More or less sane vis a vis some of the others which helps. Plus I think that Simonster would have liked that [by the by if You want to add me on from there please do and yours truly wikl do same in kind].

    Honey, more will be shoing up under seperate cover…just wanted to let You know that the trip back to the land of the living and somewhat sane is almost complete. Ok for now at least LOL…

    Til later on and Love Always Stay Strong !!!!


    PS: I Love You Too Hon!!!!:):):):):):):)


  14. nicky Says:

    Sorry to spam you with a second post, I’ll try not to get like your cyber stalker (sure he’s very sweet but the name puts me off) I was just wondering how you get back into ‘boy mode’ when it becomes necessary to? have you written about it in your blog? I’m a bit dyslexic and must confess I’ve not read your entire thing, do you have a masculina side?
    take care

  15. Randi Dennis Says:

    My Dear Ella,

    Hey there Honey and here is hoping all is welll. On this end, the clouds sorta lifted and the legs finally were on the same page as the rest of the system. It was almost as though the somewhat simple sense of normality had returned. The rest of the neighborhood however, well that is another issue for minds greater than mine or even Freud to deal with….

    Hon, one thing that helped and it could also help with that little dilemma you had mentioned about the Rocky Horror Night would be to go’back in black’ so to speak. No Yours Truly did not go goth today…., but each time that I have come back from some little illness , as a way of announcing to the world that my demise has not occurred, I usually go with an all-black outfit….top, skirt etc. And it works. In its own way it is sort of liberating, in he mental context that one can feel a tad more in control of their elements as such.One Little Victory as it were.Plus this little idea came to mind because I do remember as may have been mentioned before, there were plenty of folks who would go to such events back east when I lived there who would be in all sorts of ‘Alice’ and other outfits to either see RH or for that matter hang out on Halloween [as a little twist of irony, one of those RH folks and I actually are connected though a few folks in one of the Yahoo music groups I am a part of and she knew me pre-transition..odd how some of this happens in later years. It is unlikely she would say anything about ‘gee_____ you are now____?’ if only because this person knew I was for lack of a better term exploring certain options at that time, but other issues prevented further delving into same]

    Sweets speaking of some new things, this weekend may be it for a while for the outdoor shots. Good news about this time of year is that when the sun does show the lighting an be fantastic and no need to go ahead and push the ASA on the camera. However, with this place being near a valley sometimes those nice sunny interludes can be interrupted by inversions as well as stagnant formations which make some colors seem about as bright as the US Congress. It should work after all….there are a couple surprises that will be a part of this which after all is what I try to do to keep things fresh and well not in the area of some rather low level of repetition. Which I guess is part of the other definition of a certain type of email that is used for advertising.

    Honey I had better run!! [Blog reviews to post over the next couple days and other human endeavors] Stay Strong and Love Always!!!!!


  16. Randi Dennis Says:

    My Dear Ella,

    Honey Here is hoping all is well!! On this end the last, last set is up over at Flickr [more via seperate cover] and as what was mentioned before, well those little surprises are up as well!![Prepare to be amazed!!!!!}And there is something new over at YouTube…[a followup to the last one because well it was something that ran almost in 3’s..that is in the little note to the right]

    Sweets will write more later!!Til then and Love Always!!!


  17. michael stuart Says:

    I love your video and i think that you will look real good as a girl . and as i am a man i would date you that is . If i ever meat you . Anyway wish you all the best love michael. cute you are.+++++

  18. ngbebrpgziyn Says:


  19. Tina Corral Says:

    You be yourself hun, make u happy first. U look great

  20. Raguel Groupe Says:

    check it out

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