‘Video (Isn’t The Real) Me’

Monday, 18 August 2008


As it turns out, I really shouldn’t have promised to reply to everyone that sends messages to me, it is just not possible given my situation. I have to apologise to everyone that has messaged me and I do feel very bad for not having replied but living a double life, if you like, creates very few chances to actually sit down on here on my own and write to people. I do appreciate those of you that have offered me help and given me words of advice, I really do, and to all of those people, thank you. Hopefully in the future I will personally thank you all but until then I hope this will do!

Well, where to start, I guess this video of mine for one. First off I did not anticipate it being viewed and commented on quite as much as it has. My ‘channel’ is apparently even the 4th most subscribed channel in the UK this month, and it wasn’t even this month I uploaded it. I am shocked purely for the fact that this video is nothing! I really don’t do anything in this video, and I have to be honest here, several people have picked up on it, but the ‘Video Me’ isn’t really the same as the real me, in terms of actions and gestures. What I mean to say is that I was acting more feminine than I really am. It was over the top, and when I did the video I knew it was. I didn’t record myself with the long term idea to upload it onto YouTube. It’s called experimenting.

I do have other videos of myself, but I’m unsure as to whether I really want to upload them. I’m concerned that one of these days someone is going to recognise me and out me. A few times in the last few weeks I’ve contemplated shutting down my whole online profile. This blog, my flickr account, everything, just because I’ve been concerned as to just how popular 4th in the UK is. But I realised that without this to come and write on every so often, I may well explode from excessive bottling up of emotions. Also, maybe I don’t care that I might get outed. So what? It’s not like I have a professional life to destroy. At some point I will be ‘out’ anyway so why do I hide so much? My parents know already, and if the rest of my family found out through some means it wouldn’t make much of a difference. I guess the main thing I’m concerned about is that if I do get outed this way, I will be seen as the overly feminine vain creature that flirted with the camera on the internet in a shameless copy of Magibon. Which, for those who aren’t following, I am not.

Night! X


33 Responses to “‘Video (Isn’t The Real) Me’”

  1. Randi Dennis Says:

    My Dear Ella,

    What you described in your lastest post is what many of us have and still do go through, as in keeping the two sets of books as it were…even those of us who have hit transition. In the case here, it is going on close to 15-16 years [not bragging just the fact in the time gone by] being fulltime and still due to some rather short sighted views of relatives. It is not easy but when one knows what their overall goal is, the trial by fire does go away.

    This in effect is where having outlets like a net blog, sites where one can post the pics of what is reflected in the soul and mind can be present and even You Tube videos come in handy. Much different than in the pre-internet days when the ‘safety valves’ were not as readily available, What you have here in your sites is a way of saying ‘This is who I am, this is where I would like for my life to lead and this in no way makes me any less of a person’. In a nutshell, that is where you, me and many many others say by our actions on the net and in dealings with family and friends.

    Experimenting by the by with the video is what many of us do in this as it stands and that is part and parcel of how one finds their place in this. Different haircolors, different makeup, different clothing…it is all part of how we find what makes the person who they are. Even if it is a little over the top, heck that is part of how we grow in this. If you saw some of how yours truly got started you would see that this was all a part of how to get from point A to point B. In your case, you have a much better start than many of us have..and it works in your favor!!

    Ella, do not let anyone pressure you into doing something with regard to your transition that may turn out to be detrimental in the long run. Only you can make the decision about the websites, the blog, the videos and most important of all…how you want to live your life. It may be rough at times, but as an associate here told me a few weeks ago and it applies here as well ‘…you are the best advocate for your case..’. And while it is not apparent at this point, all that you are doing now is making the very strong stand for being happy as you really are. The need for having the double existence will at some point go the way of the carrier pigeon. In the meantime, know there are those of us who are pulling for you because you are one heck of a person.

    Til later on and Keep the Faith!!

    Love Always,


  2. Randi Dennis Says:

    My Dear Ella,

    JUst wanted to post here that I saw your second video and to be honest, you have a very very natural visage. This is more so than many other people I have met over the years be they in transition or part time.

    Much like it the first video, it is apparent that this is where you are headed..and all of the other items that will be needed to complete the journey will fall into place. Or to put it another way:

    ‘There comes a time when all of the cosmic tumblers fall into place and the possibilities of life become apparent’

    …that is paraphrasing W. P. Kinsella, author of ‘Field of Dreams’. It apples here as well…you are amazing hon… just keep in mind that what you want is at hand…and will be there sooner than later.

    Til later on and Keep the Faith,

    Love Always,


  3. Alice Says:

    When i first started online. I was very scared. I didn’t even show my face in photos for a long while.
    Then i kinda wanted people to find out about me to save me the trouble of coming out myself.
    Now i care very little about it. The only problem i have had is a mum of someone i was dating found it. (I have no idea why she was searching for it).


  4. Randi Dennis Says:

    My Dear Ella,

    Hon I am going to dovetail on Alice’s comments…[plus what she says about not caring about who knows is where I am now]and at the the risk of exposing more of the background here…the coming out process was one of being positive and also one which showed how really narrow some around us who actually are.

    When I did come out and went fulltime , I was living in Seattle and the employer was cool about some things. Some of the employees were ok with it some not…but one deals with that. Through a set of circumstances, I ended up meeting another fulltime person who as it turned out had a similar interest in media. As a result, we ended up doing some public access television programs [this was back when public access was the You-tube of the early 90’s], with her hosting the program we produced the first year and then if only because yours truly wanted to keep the idea alive, I took over afterwards. Well to say the least, we got an audience no matter who was in front of the screen. It did not matter that the voice here is a tad deep…after all…there are plenty of natal females whose voices are in a near baritone range. All was ok within reason except for the fact that a couple relatives of mine who lived in the area saw the program and told the parents.

    This led to a lot of name calling on their part [this being a decent forum, I will not repeat what those words were] but they were 3000 miles away. While the terms did hurt, in town I could not care less as to who knew and who did not. Part of this was the fact that yours truly had gained a reputation in the local community, even to the point of the program being helpful in starting a debate about what type of mass transit system was going to be voted on by the populace. It had also gotten to the point where a few of the bus drivers in town knew yours truly on sight and they did not care either. However the sniping by the relatives continued, as though yours truly was a traitor [on so many levels according to them…which was ridiculous].

    At this point of the transition, all of these years being fulltime and while there are still some bumps…the issue with who knows and who does not is more or less trumped by some other issues, which I have mentioned before in other correspondence. One eventually becomes comfortable with who they are, one also understands that those who will accept and understand are going to do so just because…the ones who will not accept or deride those of us in this position, they are around but should be of little concern. After all they are not living your life, you are. There is no explanation that is owed to someone who wants to be blatant and crude in their view of you. While that sounds somewhat simplistic, it takes a little time to get to this point, when one does, the burden is lifted. At that point it as though the blinders have been removed and the field is fullscreen and just as beautiful as it looks in the mind’s eye.

    Just remember that you are you…and no matter what others think, as long as you are happy and content…you are lightyears ahead of those who live for someone else or some ‘ideal’ to impress others.

    Til later on,

    Love Always,


  5. Randi Dennis Says:

    My Dear Ella,

    Hon…like you I decided to post something over at YouTube, if only as a way of saying that there is a flesh and blood person who is on the net, so to speak. Granted it may seem like one is joining the bandwagon, but that is not the case. On a few things, I may have been a little late, taking a wait and see attitude before getting involved, so this was in a similar vein.

    Like you, this is only a representation and due to some variables such as lighting it is not the same as let’s say, when yours truly is out in natural light. I know that may sound like a vanity statement, however it is rooted in truth. If I had wanted to do that, I would have had purchased the same type of light setup that we had in the studio [see previous post], but things being what they are…that was not feasible.

    Honey as for the possible reactions to it, those are not a concern. This was not done so much for rating points or anything else like that, but for communication purposes. In a sense at times, the net for all the good that does come from it – has become like the lyrics from the song ‘Tin Man’ by America, in which there is a mention of people competing for some prize that folks already had residing in them, if they were to only look within. With that aside, this was just to show that the person who is behind those communcations and correspondences over the past few weeks actually does have a face, eyes and other human attributes.

    Hon, one of your other postings here rings true on this day as well. Yours truly has made another journey around the sun and well when I woke up this morning…nothing really changed – not in my fondest wish that the body would match what is in the heart and mind – but also in as much as how the relatives treat things. Granted, they have known for all these years and yet there is still this ‘group denial’ aspect to their attitude. Yes, it is their loss…but there is still this little glimmer of hope that I hold out that maybe they may see that yours truly is excercising their free will as to how they want to conduct their life. It is not as though what is going on here is illegal or immoral [contrary to some made up constructs by others that claim that it is]. But there will come a time where this hope would not spring eternal and will just have to resign myself to the fact that some are not going to be able to deal with this, while there are quite a few others who would not have any problems with transition etc. Those in the latter category are the ones who make journey all the more worthwhile.

    Til later on and Stay Strong!!

    Love Always,


  6. Angie Says:

    Hi Ella,

    You are the prettiest tv that I have ever seen ANYWHERE ! I can understand your fears 100% but as you said, you are not causing anyone any real damage. I really want to help you in any way I can. I am totally genuine so please feel free to reply. Oh and two other things……. you come across really intelligent, I love that ! Your videos and piccies…only 4th in the U.K. ? That can’t be right, you should be No. 1 Babe !

    Love, Angie x

  7. Randi Dennis Says:

    My Dear Ella,

    Hon, I hope that all of the postings and communications have not come across to your eyes as being obsessive or for that matter bordering on being in the vein of creepy. Far from it, there is something that comes out on your pages; pics, videos and correspondence that is as beautiful s it is unforgetable. To this girl, that stays in the mind’s eye for a very long time.

    Honey, there is part of a lyric from a song by my favorite band from their last CD that sums up how the heart and mind feels when they turn to thoughts of you:

    ‘In my dreams I think of you
    Of all the things I didn’t do
    Can I show you now
    In the morning and the night
    There’s nothing that I wouldn’t do
    To have you in my life
    I’d be there when you need a friend
    Where you’re sad I’d be strong
    Holding you to keep you warm
    Be there when you need me’

    – by Michael Dunford, from the song ‘In My Life’ ..performed by Renaissance from the album ‘Tuscany’

    [I tend to think of myself as being fairly competent at expressing myself, but the above is better than anything I could write from the heart.]

    Hon…anytime that you do want to talk about anything, I am just a phone call, text message, email or chatline away:))

    Til later on,

    Love Always,


  8. Randi Dennis Says:

    My Dear Ella,

    Hon…I thought about you when I saw this and this is something to carry with you if things look as though thery are rough and there may not be a route to a resolution:


    Love – may you be blessed
    Live in the warmth of your caress
    And, as you go on
    May you be, never less than you can be

    Love – may you hold strong
    Stay, all the way where you belong
    Then, as time goes by
    May you be, the sweet song, you sing today

    Love – may you be blessed
    Every day
    Every way …

    -Betty Thatcher-Newsinger

    Til later on and Love Always!!!


  9. tran lover Says:

    hi beautiful ella
    i can say only one thing, am ready to marry u any time..just say yes

  10. Randi Dennis Says:

    My Dear Ella,

    Hiya Hon…HAve a great day!!!

    Honey, when you get a chance check your email. Hopefully, we could talk at some time in the future. The number here is always open…as are the ears and heart.

    Til later on,

    Love Always!!


  11. Randi Dennis Says:

    My Dear Ella,

    Hon, here is another thought for the day….if outside forces seem to conspire against the longterm goals that you have, remeber this:

    So carry on don’t stop your feelings
    Try and make them flow
    Somewhere there’s a vision waiting
    You’ll find it when you know

    – Jon Camp

    Rather short, but it says in four lines what many people will take several paragraphs to arrive at a similar thought.

    Til later on and Love Always!!!


  12. Randi Dennis Says:

    My Dear Ella.

    Honey…Here is hoping that all is ok by You!

    Sweetheart, much like yourself I do make postings to the net of pics and videos….and it is hoped that in the video vein, some understand that when one sees the person in real life that there is a difference between the two images. With that said, there is a little bit of a subtext that is involved, which more or less explains the picture postings. That being the person is there, different hair, different outfits, but there is some flesh and blood associated with same [If this sounds familiar, it is just that yours truly is not a bot or has a computer program that can on a moment’s notice create a ready-made explanation of what one is doing. And I just would like to say yes, I am human*S*] along with the emotions that come with that. Some of which also are mentioned in the editorial comments beneath the images. I know a few of them may seem cryptic, but there are some things that those who know the person would pick up on, as well as being left to the imagination.

    Hon, have a Great Day and here is hoping to hear from you soon, no matter which form that takes*S*S*S*S*S*XOXOXOXO!

    Til later on and Love Always!!


  13. Britneyb Says:

    Dear Ella.

    I didn’t want to say to much but I did want to tell you that your such an amazing person. Iv been travailing on the same boat and all iv been asking myself are questions, questions that I can’t make sense of. I also have a urnotalone profile so i hope we can stay in contact. I wish the best of luck to you.

    Best Wishes,


  14. Randi Dennis Says:

    My Dear Ella,

    Hey there Hon!! and here is hoping that all is well where you are. In this part of the big, blue marble, it was quiet. Which more or less helps the psyche maintain its balance.

    Honey, as the sun creates a multiple red/orange/umber curtain to close out this day, there is a little lingering item in the mind. That being the little item that shows up this coming Thursday, which was mentioned through other means. I am not crazy about it, but there will be a discussion afterwards and we’ll just see what the next two or three steps are. Here is hoping the folks performing this have a twisted sense of humour and understand that I want to try a Sicillian Defense to prevent any further problems.

    Sweetheart, if all does work out…You will be the first to know…and I will also post something special over at YouTube. Actually it will be three little things depending on the weather and if this Dell can handle a movie transfer on batteries. [Besides there will be nothing in it which will put anyone on the spot, if there is a message contained therin, it will be something that only someone who knows of the correspondence would know *S*]

    Honey before I run here, saw this one from the other favorite band of mine, the Moody Blues…and wanted to send it on:

    All the world over I’ve searched for a dream
    I’ve found out that life is not what it seems
    I’ve seen all the wonders the world has to give
    But all that is real is you
    – Justin Hayward

    While they are second on the hit parade here as far as groups I listen to, Justin Hayward can, when he is on write some rather powerful poetry[lyrics].

    Dear Ella, I do have to run here but will write more up to and including the night before that little procedure. If these folks can fix the little issue wothout there being a need to be down for the count, I will be happy….well myself and a few others.

    Til later on….Have a Great Day and Love Always!!


    PS: Please let me know what you think of the newer material over at the Flickr page.I am trying to improve on things with each go round, time permitting.


  15. Steph Angel Says:

    Boy, you get some hefty comments on your site!!!

    Just wanted to say nice site, and the whole ‘being outed on the net’ is a nightmare to get your head round… I opted for the ‘couldn’t give a fuck’ approach in the end 🙂

    Take care


  16. Randi Dennis Says:

    My Dear Ella,

    Hiya Hon…Here is another thought for the day:

    Friends are always there
    In good and bad times
    Always taking care, you’re in my mind
    And I’ll try hard to take my share
    Call and you know I will be there
    From the start right to the end
    Time for old friends

    – Dunford/Thatcher-Newsinger

    Til later on and Have a Great Day

    Love Always,


  17. Anne Says:

    Maybe put a few ads on the site for extra $$ you probabl have the traffic
    and if you don’t go crazy with them then the money might come in handy for and extra pair of high heels

  18. Nicky Says:

    Dear Ella,
    I went to my parish priest for counselling and do you know what he said to me? “a sex change is worse than sodomy”! lucky to have tried both I thought, but seriously(tho it is true), the BIG question is ‘can you really change sex’? how can you be sure you’re just not very good at relationships and are creating a girl in the mirror who you can control or you, like just about everyone, get off on deviant thought? Sorry I’m not being very helpful but these are the things that have tormented me over the years, there should be more help for people with gender problems on the NHS I think.You could definitely pass for a girl and live as one. Anyways, take care and I hope things work out,
    yours faithfully

  19. Randi Dennis Says:

    My Dear Ella,

    Hiya Honey!!! Hope all is ok…Stay Stron g Sweeheart!!

    Til later and Love Always!!!


    PS: Call or email me when you can!!


  20. Randi Dennis Says:

    My Dear Ella,

    Honey Here is hoping all is ok…..and that nothing bad has happened since your last post. On this end, well came out from that procedure a day early…..will detail through other means later on. However, I am not out of the woods yet and may even go ahead with a couple other parts of some modification.

    Sweets check your email when you get a chance…..the details will be there….

    Til later on and Love Always!!


    PS: That promised little surprise may be up either Sat or Sunday Night!!


  21. Falcon Says:

    Hello, i just want to tell you that i really like you video is soy cute, you are so cute.

    Im from Mexico and i write a blog, i’ve just discover that you have one. Well i want to be your friend.

  22. Randi Dennis Says:

    My Dear Ella,

    PS to my last post…..a mini preview [video quality is a little hazy] to what was mentioned before is up at:

    The next 3 are going to be even better……but those details are a surprise!!!

    Til later on,

    Love Always!!


  23. Randi Dennis Says:

    My Dear Ella,

    Hiya Hon!! As was mentioned in a previous post, that little surprise was done a day early and is now up and running at:


    I do apologize for the video quality, this is the curse of having that little AGFA for capturing the video. [My other AGFA can do it, but it needs to be connected to a program, like Netmeeting in order for it to work]

    Sweetheart , enjoy and will flesh out the rest under seperate cover….

    Til later on and Love Always!!


  24. Randi Dennis Says:

    My Dear Ella,

    Hiya Hon…hope all is well by you…..

    Honey, there will be a little surprise showing up on the Flickr page midweek….fate and Kodak processing willing. will not detail any further here, but it it should work out rather nice.

    Sweets before I run here, another reason for all of these posts can be found in a simple term that one of the millitary branches uses. That being:

    ‘Semper Fidelis’

    it means: ‘Always Faithful’. And that is what you in this person from here…

    Til later on and Love Always!!!!


  25. Randi Dennis Says:

    My Dear Ella,

    Hiya Hon!!!!Here is hoping You have a Great Day!!!

    And by the by, there will be a little surprise on the Flickr page by mid-week!!!!

    Til later on and Love Always!!


  26. Randi Dennis Says:

    My Dear Ella,

    Just a little addendum: in addition to the phone number that was sent under sep cover, You can reach me through:

    Yahoo Messenger:randipdx@yahoo.com

    Anytime You want to talk, page me through any of the above!!!

    Til later on and Love Always!!!


  27. Randi Dennis Says:

    My Deaar Ella,

    Hiya Hon!! Here is just another thought for the day/evening:

    You are one of a kind
    Forever on my mind
    Like the white rose
    You are the angel disguised in nature’s pose

    ~ Matteo Pascarella

    Til later on and Love Always!!!


  28. Elizabeth Says:

    Hey Ella, I just wanted to say hello. I hope everything works out for you. I wanted to comment on your writing style actually. Are you planning on seeking a career in writing? I really like your style and if you ever write anything I would like to take a look at the manuscripts (I enjoy reading undiscovered writers stories) assuming you don’t have a problem with that. You strike me as a very interesting person. Don’t loose that! There are so few truly interesting people in this world, and we don’t need to loose one. Well I hope you take care and I look forward to reading your blog. Don’t stop writing!


  29. Randi Dennis Says:

    My Dear Ella,

    Hiya Honey, here is hoping You have a great day!!

    Sweetheart to add to the beauty of the day….check out the Flickr site, as well as the previous You Tube Link. Yes..not only was yours truly lucky enough to have the right conditions outdoors, but also the digital camera gods smiled on me. [Oh Yes…there is a little subtext in those postings in the video section*S*]

    Hon, have a great day and hope to hear from You soon!!

    Til later on and Love Always!!!


  30. Randi Dennis Says:

    My Dear Ella,

    Honey here is hoping your day, as well as other things are going well. On this end, we are about to enter our rainy season, which in addition to lasting something on the order of about 8-9 months, while it also puts a little bit of a cramp of wanting to take late afternoon outdoor shots. The old rules still apply about it being best to do so after 2PM, however the curse of Portland’s location on the map gives one a rather short window to do so during the fall and winter.

    Hon, I hope You like the pics. After a little trial and error, I was able to correct a little probelms with the telephoto, which is now the standard lens I am going to use.The learning curve is not that long and this was a camera I had fallen in love with years ago due to the [advanced at the time] technology involved. Now having this is more or less like someone having a classic Jag in the carpark that is only driven on select Sundays but when it is used is a true joy to behold. While on the subject of joy, You may have noticed that I am smiling more and more in these and the last 3 sets that are up over at Flickr. They are not forced smiles as much as as they are that I do think of You while doing these and as a result, I am much more relaxed. Those thoughts in addition to allowing the smile to appear more often also helps in taking a few more chances with the image, which explains the blonde hair in a few of the pics. Yes, I admit to having this in the wardrobe, if only because after some consideration a while back, this color seemed to have made sense. This in addition to the fct that with the jade contacts, the overall effect is a little more natural than let’s say having the hazel or honey contacts. This may have been mentioned before…and no I am not rich so I can do this as a ‘lark’ so to speak, but the two sets of contacts have to do with one being the business look [and if I have to go over to the docs for either for an exam or to ask why in heck they have not forwarded on the medical records] and the other for fun and an experiment. In the case of the latter, yes there are a few stares, but the effect is that the eyes look green and with light red hair, it looks normal. Which I guess would be the point…

    Sweetheart as for the YouTube postings, well the settings on that little camera actually do work and even with that little light from the pinheads at General Electric, I was able to get at least two that were better than before. Granted it is not perfect, but better in some ways than public access cable quality [which I have some experience with from many years back, wlthough it was early in transition]. There was nothing special, outside of getting ready to do those shots outdoors and thinking of You at the same time *S*. The soundstracks for them…well those were chosen for different reasons:

    – ‘Can You Hear Me Call Your Name’ is the opening track from Renaissance’s album called ‘Novella’, which is an amazing piece. Written more or less in the classical style with one heck of an orchestral score, along with some amazing lyrics. In concert, if there is an orchestra it comes off as a typical symphonic number, without and some judicious editing it becomes a mix of semi-hard edge rock along with a gentle break featuring a 12-string acoustic guitar.Add Annie Haslam’s vocals…and well there are not enough superlatives to describe how beautiful the song is.

    -‘Moonlight Shadow’ which was written by Mike Oldfield [‘Tubular Bells’] and originally showed up on Annie Haslam’s third solo album, as well as the last live one by Renaissance, which is where this version comes from. When I first heard it years ago, it seemed like a little bit of a throwaway, although repeated listenings have garnered that ‘wow’ factor’ This live version is really nice, just a simple song, not much in the way of flourishes. If I had a bass around here, I would be able to play along due to it having a really simple line.

    Honey as for anything else that will get posted, that is a matter of time and opportunity. The Flickr site may see some older stuff there, and some leftovers from the last few shoots….as for YouTube…well I will have to save those as a surprise. After all, like some magicians and David Beckham I am not about ready to reveal any tricks. Besides, he selfish little creature in me wants to put a smile on Your face with anything new that shows up *S*

    Sweets, before I close this post out…I really do hope You like what You have seen from the desk/computer, camera and mind of Yours Truly. Even in this age, there is a connection of a sort that is not that easy to explain otherwise that has been made.As in that great minds, even if there are times when there are intermittent communctations do think alike. Considering that the world likes to have its denizens walk, think, dress and act in lockstep, it is refereshing to see individual thought come shinning through the darkness, not unlike what a harvest moon would on a clear fall evening.

    Til later on Hon and Love Always!!!


  31. Randi Dennis Says:

    My Dear Ella,

    Hey there hon….hope all is well on Your end!! Write when you can!!!!

    Til later on and Love Always!!


  32. Anonymous Says:

    Stalker Anyone?………

  33. panthera leo Says:

    I’m just a male admirer who just recently got here and your YouTube channel who isn’t sure how much weight my thoughts will carry, but…in your videos I feel you were experiencing a very “feminine moment” that you totally succumbed to. Completely n@ <2C and when I say completely natural I mean that in every respect, Ella. Well, that was it, just my two cents (or pence?).

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