More Options, Harder Decisions

Wednesday, 25 June 2008

00:52

I am actually still here. Things have not been great for me recently. Since telling my parents, nothing at all has changed in their perception of me as a person. In fact it may have changed a bit, but they now are more keen than ever to ‘make a man out of me’. My physical situation is still the same as it was way back when in my last entry. I am still in the physical sense, a guy. And it sucks.

I recently ‘celebrated’ my 21st birthday. (“Yay I’m getting older” always seemed to be an odd reason to celebrate to me). My parents knew what I wanted. The same thing I wanted last Christmas. Nothing more than their acceptance. But no, what do I get? They get me shirts. Manly horrible shirts. They know I hate them, all my life I’ve grown up saying how much I hate wearing shirts, but far from acknowledging that as part of me, they insist on changing it. Changing me.

All I can say is that my home life is strangling me more than ever. Perhaps if it were not for my genuine friends… well… let’s not go there. I have recently opened up to one of my close friends, Sarah, who actually fancies me. It was tricky; basically I had to tell her the truth about me right after she told me the truth about how she feels about me, which to be honest, I already knew anyway. She took it well at the time, and since then it’s only got better. When I went out this Monday, one of her friends was blatantly flirting with me, and I got scared, I didn’t really know what to do to stop her liking me. So I talked to Sarah quietly and she then led me away somewhere more private and we got talking again. I did start to get upset, and Sarah did prove to be a great shoulder to cry on. She said she’d always be there for me and look out for me, which was fantastic to hear. Then though, she admitted that she does still fancy me, even after what I’ve told her. She then said I’m make a very pretty girl and she asked if she’d be allowed to flirt with me when I’m a girl! I couldn’t believe the compliments and I was getting even more upset just from an overflow of emotions more than anything else.

Anyway, nothing else happened that night. I told her I wanted to go so I didn’t have to face that flirting girl again. We did head off and talked a bit more, but nothing much more interesting happened.

Some of you out there in my situation would probably be over the moon at the offer of a relationship with a girl even after any kind of gender reassignment, but I’m still really unsure of what I want out of relationships. It’s hard enough to figure out who I am, let alone who I want to be with as well.

I feel like right now I’m at a crossroads in my life. Such a cheesy statement, but it is so true. To the left, there’s Sarah, who seems to want to go out with the real me, but to be honest with you, I’m not sure I like back. To my right, there’s a 40 year old guy with a hard-on at his desk waiting for a reply at some swingers site. Directly in front of me is, dropping everything, moving out, living somewhere completely different and start my life how I want to lead it. Or there’s the way I came, continue living as a guy to please my family and to inevitably lead my life on a depressive state of affairs.

I don’t see another option. I cannot see myself happily being a girl in the city I live in now, I don’t think I could continue working where I do. I’d need a new start. It’s not running away, I’d still endeavour to please my family any way I could, it’s just going to be so much easier for me in a new place.

Well, I have a lot to think about.

Night! X

8 Responses to “More Options, Harder Decisions”

  1. Ravindu Says:

    Sis, all the good things come to those who wait…

    Keep some faith in you.

    Best of luck dear…

  2. Sarah Cartwright Says:

    Yo!

    Ahhhhh you’re 21!
    Kool!

    You’re on to the scary part of stuff – good luck!

    tata

  3. Camille Says:

    Don’t give up hon! i was 34 before i came out to my mom. She took it very hard and still is in denial. You are very lucky to be ready now rather than later in life. i know it’s tough but it’s good to be open and honest with yourself and everyone else so young. Most of us t-girls don’t get started until later. I wish you the best and hope you can get your life where you want it soon. If you need an ear to listen, don’t hesitate to email me! *HUGS*

  4. Randi Dennis Says:

    My Dear Ella,

    Honey, You are special….please do not let anyone else tell you different!!! Also you really do mean a great deal here Without trying to say this as a line or anything to that effect, I ran across a song by Yes from their album Tormato that is a little better at saying what is on the mind than I can through my own words [much like the quotes from Renaissance, The Moody Blues and ‘Field of Dreams’]:

    Contained in everything I do
    There’s a love, I feel for you
    Proclaimed in everything I write
    You’re the light

    Displayed in all the things I see
    There’s a love you show to me
    Portrayed in all the things you say
    You’re the day
    Leading the way
    Onward through the night
    Onward through the night
    Onward through the night of my life

    – Chris Squire

    Sweetheart, I have to run here and may not be on the net for a couple days due to an intrussion in the routine that I have mentioned in other corners. Ella, Please remember that You are a special person, never let that spark go away or go out. It is what will carry you not just through now but through all of your life…the SRS and beyond!!!

    Til later on and Love Always!!!

    Randi

  5. Randi Dennis Says:

    My Dear Ella,

    Honey this is just to followup on a couple other postings here…and to also to help….

    Sweets, while yours truly’s transition to being fulltime has not been perfect, in fact far from it…I do want to pass on here a few things that I have learned and still in the process of learning and dealing with [and stop me if this looks familiar but in some way it bears a little repeating]:

    – Living the double life is more or less something which sublimates what you want to do in favor of others. While life in itself is a longeterm game of compromise in order to keep the peace, there is a difference between that and not being able to live one’s life as they choose. So at some point one must be able to put their life first as long as that does not cause any harm to others.

    -Getting the SRS or living fulltime without the benefit of the SRS does not change who you are inside. This is more a way of insuring that the outside matches who the person really is, but this does not detract from the mind or the emotional makeup of the person. Put another way, You will always be the same person that is a part of the family even though to others the packaging is now more confortable.

    -Ask those who want you to still stay ‘male’ exactly what is the overall benefit to doing so? Plus EXACTLY what is wrong with what you are doing? In comparisson to choices that are made by others [and space forbids posting the entire list, but there are so many negative things that one can do which oddly enough the western world considers to be acceptable] there is not one [pardon the language here] goddamned thing wrong with getting the SRS or going fulltime. Those of us who do this and mainstream the process….guess what: we work, we shop, we teach, we live, we even have families and are no less an employee, a customer, a teacher or professor, a parent as a result. While there are those who portray a negative image, that is not where You are headed and there should be some level of respect for the fact that You want to do this the right way.

    Honey, from here also I want to make a little proposition: whatever help you need in any of this, just ask. Just write, just call and we’ll find a way to a solution. If You wonder why I am saying this, well it really is the culmination of all those letter, all of the other communiques, etc. Ella I do Love You Very Much and to be honest I want to help You succeed in getting from Point A to Point B [and I am going to make sure my doctors keep me around long enough to do this *S*].

    Sweetheart, You know that I am sincere in this…and you have seen the visual representations, etc . Yours truly is real and what was said above and in other ways You can hold me to indefinetely. And if you want to talk about this at any time, You know where to find me and I’ll stop whatever else is going on to focus in. Again that You can take this one to the bank.

    Honey, I need to get back to getting ready for that little thing on Thursday morning. In some wy, I will try to post somewhere what the results were….and if all goes well…that little surprise this weekend at YouTube.

    Til later on and Love Always!!!

    Randi

  6. Randi Dennis Says:

    My Dear Ella,

    Honey, Here is hoping you day goes well.

    Sweetheart, before running off and getting ready for Thursday, I think I may have a solution to some of the dilemma that you have mentioned in this post on the blog. Some of this I will save for another correspondence, but it did dawn on me that there is a way of solving the problem[s]. A while back I had said in an email where I was when I started the transition and that it was a way to be myself in a chosen area with a certain ‘cushion’ bet where I lived and those in the family. Well something clicked here about how this could be adopted to what is going on in your case.

    Honey, should You see this, give me a call right after and reverse the charges so to speak and I will go into detail. It is amazing that the mind here did not come up with something like this before, but this is what happens when one is preoccupied with those twice weekly trips to the doctor to make sure the ticker is in good shape. However, this just came to me all of a sudden…usually when they do, they have a habit of working to beyond the best case and logical extreme.

    Ella, Have a Great Day and will catch up after Thursday or maybe sooner, dep on what gets done around here before then.

    Til Later and Love Always!!

    Randi

  7. Falcon Says:

    You are very brave because i think its no easy to tell your parents about your real personality. Its good to know that you have got a great friend like Sarah

  8. LEGION141 Says:

    I have never been more jellou of one persons looks before in my LIFE you are stunning. i hope you acheive you dream of living in san fran sisco with a loving husband and a room with a view lol

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