Wednesday, 25 June 2008
I am actually still here. Things have not been great for me recently. Since telling my parents, nothing at all has changed in their perception of me as a person. In fact it may have changed a bit, but they now are more keen than ever to ‘make a man out of me’. My physical situation is still the same as it was way back when in my last entry. I am still in the physical sense, a guy. And it sucks.
I recently ‘celebrated’ my 21st birthday. (“Yay I’m getting older” always seemed to be an odd reason to celebrate to me). My parents knew what I wanted. The same thing I wanted last Christmas. Nothing more than their acceptance. But no, what do I get? They get me shirts. Manly horrible shirts. They know I hate them, all my life I’ve grown up saying how much I hate wearing shirts, but far from acknowledging that as part of me, they insist on changing it. Changing me.
All I can say is that my home life is strangling me more than ever. Perhaps if it were not for my genuine friends… well… let’s not go there. I have recently opened up to one of my close friends, Sarah, who actually fancies me. It was tricky; basically I had to tell her the truth about me right after she told me the truth about how she feels about me, which to be honest, I already knew anyway. She took it well at the time, and since then it’s only got better. When I went out this Monday, one of her friends was blatantly flirting with me, and I got scared, I didn’t really know what to do to stop her liking me. So I talked to Sarah quietly and she then led me away somewhere more private and we got talking again. I did start to get upset, and Sarah did prove to be a great shoulder to cry on. She said she’d always be there for me and look out for me, which was fantastic to hear. Then though, she admitted that she does still fancy me, even after what I’ve told her. She then said I’m make a very pretty girl and she asked if she’d be allowed to flirt with me when I’m a girl! I couldn’t believe the compliments and I was getting even more upset just from an overflow of emotions more than anything else.
Anyway, nothing else happened that night. I told her I wanted to go so I didn’t have to face that flirting girl again. We did head off and talked a bit more, but nothing much more interesting happened.
Some of you out there in my situation would probably be over the moon at the offer of a relationship with a girl even after any kind of gender reassignment, but I’m still really unsure of what I want out of relationships. It’s hard enough to figure out who I am, let alone who I want to be with as well.
I feel like right now I’m at a crossroads in my life. Such a cheesy statement, but it is so true. To the left, there’s Sarah, who seems to want to go out with the real me, but to be honest with you, I’m not sure I like back. To my right, there’s a 40 year old guy with a hard-on at his desk waiting for a reply at some swingers site. Directly in front of me is, dropping everything, moving out, living somewhere completely different and start my life how I want to lead it. Or there’s the way I came, continue living as a guy to please my family and to inevitably lead my life on a depressive state of affairs.
I don’t see another option. I cannot see myself happily being a girl in the city I live in now, I don’t think I could continue working where I do. I’d need a new start. It’s not running away, I’d still endeavour to please my family any way I could, it’s just going to be so much easier for me in a new place.
Well, I have a lot to think about.