It’s Your Life…Right?!

Tuesday, 25 March 2008

03:02

I’m currently trying to stay up until the early hours so that my upcoming night shifts will be a bit more productive. The thing is, I am a little tipsy after several interesting tasting drinks at one of the “glorified bars” in town. I would just like to take this moment to say that I’m not always out drinking and I do not in anyway suggest it as a form of escapism. Yes it does help to alleviate problems that bug me from day to day, but if I drank every day, this would become a problem in itself. I’m not always drunk and I don’t need alcohol to have a good night, it just helps!

Anyway, my life right now… When I’m not working or out having fun I’m lost in thought. So many things have been going through my mind recently. I still have not been back to the doctors to get the ball rolling again. Why?! I don’t know. I think maybe I’m just scared, like, let’s face it, any person would be. This is after all a huge literally life changing decision that if I screw up will bug me the rest of my life. The thing is, is that I’m so jealous of the other girls that have gone through it and got further than me and are living as girls. I am jealous but even that doesn’t make me go out there and sort myself out. Telling my parents has both been a blessing and a curse, unfortunately the blessing side of it seems to be disguised. It has been an extremely effective reality check, which does let me set my horizons horizontal again, but then it does make me feel absolutely terrible for what I’m doing to my family. I know it’s my life and all that, but whatever I do is going to affect the family in some way and it seems like it’s most likely to be a negative affect. I’m just wondering, is all of this really worth it? I could stay living as a guy. My family would be fine with me, my friends would be ok, but I would always regret that decision, I just know it, and I will constantly try to push the boundaries as far as I can to make myself appear as female as possible. Or I could start living as a female and possibly alienate half my family just for my own satisfaction. Both ways seem like the wrong thing to do.

Despite the amount of times people say it, I still don’t believe it fully; my life cannot always be what I want it to be. There are so many factors that affect it. For instance I speak to countless married crossdressers who hide their secret from their wives. Sometimes these people have kids too. Now, how can “Live your life how you want” be a good suggestion to someone in this position. It is such a difficult situation to sort out. If you told the truth it could wreck your life, completely throw open the gates of the unknown. So the question is really, would you rather a life of lies and laughter, or truths and troubles? It’s a tricky one, and really I do not know my answer to that yet. Lets just say, my ‘Becoming Ella’ is far from the imminent reality just now, even though I want it so much.

Night! X

12 Responses to “It’s Your Life…Right?!”

  1. aporia Says:

    Hmm. Good point. You can be either selfish or selfless. I think it’s about how you perceive humanity – for example that crossdressing “dad” could come out and their children might be shocked but could also learn the Truth, which could be more important than anything else.

  2. Becky Says:

    Hmm. It basically comes down to what makes you happiest. And that might be having a happy family life.

  3. Karen Says:

    I’ve had that dilema all my life! I’m 50 now, still regreting not taking the big decision which makes me feel – well you all know how that feels don’t you. Thing is I can’t win cos I’ll lose my family😦 I know now though if I had the chance to change when I was young I would not have regreted it, Respect for all you girls who had the courage I’ll always be jelous but you deserve what you have now got.

  4. Sophie Says:

    Dear Ella,
    in a life of lies there’s more troubles hidden underneath the laughter than there are troubles in a life of truth. People might tell you you can choose to be a boy instead of a girl, but there’s no choice in being yourself. For those not in your shoes, being themselves is natural and taken for granted. If the process of ‘becoming Ella’ as you call it is visible to them they can respect you as you are, that being yourself isn’t easy, but a dear struggle to some people. Of course the uncertainties seem huge, also to your parents, it’s a process which has to be lived and experienced to gain that confidence in you(rself) and your future. It’s hard to know when it’s the right time to start, only the result will tell that.
    Looking back I starting consultation maybe a bit early but it meant a lot in believing in myself back then which helped me get where I am now and I am really pleased with where I am now. So I might not had actually been ready back then, but it was right to do it. When I started I couldn’t have imagined all I went through, only the end result mattered. It’s a process of growth, a challenge, gaining character, gaining self esteem, something which doesn’t need to be feared. Those whom love ‘you’ will love ‘you’ all through this process. The burden of also having to deal with getting family to accept you as you are is still not as heavy as the burden of hiding your true self.
    Ow I could write so much more but you haven’t asked to hear all this from me so I’ll keep it to this, I hope it helps you in some way.

    Sophie

  5. the eloquent bohemian Says:

    Actually, the question is: Who are you living your life for?
    Do you alter your behaviour because you want to or because of what some one or some group may say or think?
    If someone loves you, they will love you for who you are now and for who you will become in the future.
    Love is unconditional.

    Beyond all the religious and philosophical theories out there, aside from what others may preach or try to impose on Reality, only one thing is for certain:
    each one of us is alive now and as best we can surmise, this is the only shot at being human, of experiencing Existence in this form; so one has a duty to one’s self to live life as one sees fit and as full as possible.

    It is your life and your body. These are your feelings and your emotions.
    No one else’s.
    No one can assume to know what is the right way for you to live. Only you know that, and you know it in the deepest treasured corners of your heart.

    From the moment of birth, one is told how to act, how to become, what is expected of one. One doesn’t even get to choose one’s own name. It is chosen for you before you were even born.
    Granted, one cannot chose one’s gender before birth as that is determined by the random intermingling of DNA; but now, one can choose to change that gender.

    Pause and observe.
    Everything changes. Constantly.
    Existence is in a constant state of flux.
    You are not the same person you were 20 minutes ago.
    You are not the same person you were 10 years ago.
    And neither are the one’s who wish to deter you from being you.

    You know who you are.
    Become who you are.

  6. Anonymous Says:

    As somebody who crossdresses when he feels he needs to but doesn’t want to actually be a girl, my life is of course a lot easier than yours. I only really enter into a lot of CD-related stress during costuming holiday seasons, such as Halloween or Purim. Living in a city where half the married women wear wigs for religious-cultural reasons doesn’t help.

    Fact is, I didn’t tell every girl I dated about my secret. Not straight off the bat. The girl I married, I only told three months into our relationship – at the point where I knew we had progressed to the point where the only thing standing between us and marriage was that I still had this secret I needed to tell her. She took it well, as I’ve described in previous posts, and my time married to her has reduced by great amounts my desire to crossdress in general. It’s still there, and I do it when I really need it, but I’m finding it less and less when time goes on.

    What I guess I’m trying to describe is that I managed to find a balance between diving deeper and deeper into CDing and giving it up entirely for a family life. You’ll have to find one too, some way of expressing your desire to be female without alienating and harming people you care about. It could be something as simple as waiting another five or six years until your sister is older; maybe she’ll be more accepting than your parents, and help bring them around. Or you could do what I did, which is move to the other side of the planet (though the reasons I did so had nothing to do with CDing, it certainly reduced my familial stress). Maybe your parents will relax and get used to the idea in a few years. Maybe your desires will fade with time. Maybe after you’ve tried living as a girl you’ll decide you don’t want it after all – or maybe after you’ve tried it you’ll decide that it’s so important to you that you won’t let your family hold you back at all.

    It’s cliche, I know, but you really do never know what’s going to happen. Life throws some interesting curveballs. I’m only 23, and I’m already living a completely different life than any of the ones I thought I would when I was 20. Five years from now I’ll probably say the same thing again… and five years from now, likely as not, so will you.

  7. Becky T Says:

    It’s very simple and easy to say, and much harder to rationalise and act upon, but as the Eloquent one above said, you can’t live your life for everyone else all the time.

    That phrase was repeated to me by my then-counsellor, and it took me quite a long time to accept the fact that I might tread on people’s toes, family included, and as it happened, I jolly well did tread on them. If you know which way you want to go, in your heart, you might have to allow yourself to be selfish. The tricky part is that no-one else can make the decision for you. Feel free to read my website too, you’re not the only one who asked themselves all those questions.

  8. lori Says:

    Hi, its a catch-22 you’re facing .. I am sure you’re aware that the younger you start to transition, the better the results .. the biggest one being the voice obviously.. but at the same time… its hard enough to figure out all the other stuff that you go through as a teenager .. so you are torn between doing this now, or waiting until you’re older to make a more considered decision

    I followed my heart .. and it turned out to be the right answer .. for what its worth

  9. digitaltrans2 Says:

    I like others on here fought the decision myself. I told myself I can’t do it, its not right. Also at the time had no idea how it was possible. I buried myself in books and exercise. Its ironic that at the time I was surrounded with gay and lesbian friends. I could never get close to people that were straight for some odd reason. Then I ended up pretty far down my carrier path and ended up with a family and a very beautiful wife. I am not sure if you have read my blog but in the end you can only be you. I have really honestly fought this for a long time and just can’t do it anymore. If you think its hard now just imagine telling your wife, your parents and then trying to figure out what to do because you have kids as well. I don’t know what to tell you its not like it is a choice. I could choose to be a man, a rather feminine man but I could choose that (maybe?). I just choose not to, its been too long and everyone around me knows. I can’t say the support my decision and really my family wants to disown me. I am lucky though that my wife loves me enough to stay and together for now and we are ridding one heck of a roller coaster. I know its hard but at least you know the road and the choices you can make. For me I had no clue back then no internet and was laughed out of GNC for asking for something to please take these erections away. Can you imagine? ~Sandy

  10. waynetta Says:

    yes it very hard, do you bring down the gates of heaven, or stagnate and know everyone else is happy, its so true, people lie, they can never understand feeling or hurt, hang in there ella, dont rush, enjoy your life x

  11. Dawn Says:

    Hi Ella,

    Been a while since there was an update, hope all is going well in your world and things are looking up!

    Dawn

  12. Randi Dennis Says:

    My Dear Ella,

    Hiya Hon…Hope all is well!!!!

    Write when You can!!!

    Randi

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