Tuesday, 25 March 2008
I’m currently trying to stay up until the early hours so that my upcoming night shifts will be a bit more productive. The thing is, I am a little tipsy after several interesting tasting drinks at one of the “glorified bars” in town. I would just like to take this moment to say that I’m not always out drinking and I do not in anyway suggest it as a form of escapism. Yes it does help to alleviate problems that bug me from day to day, but if I drank every day, this would become a problem in itself. I’m not always drunk and I don’t need alcohol to have a good night, it just helps!
Anyway, my life right now… When I’m not working or out having fun I’m lost in thought. So many things have been going through my mind recently. I still have not been back to the doctors to get the ball rolling again. Why?! I don’t know. I think maybe I’m just scared, like, let’s face it, any person would be. This is after all a huge literally life changing decision that if I screw up will bug me the rest of my life. The thing is, is that I’m so jealous of the other girls that have gone through it and got further than me and are living as girls. I am jealous but even that doesn’t make me go out there and sort myself out. Telling my parents has both been a blessing and a curse, unfortunately the blessing side of it seems to be disguised. It has been an extremely effective reality check, which does let me set my horizons horizontal again, but then it does make me feel absolutely terrible for what I’m doing to my family. I know it’s my life and all that, but whatever I do is going to affect the family in some way and it seems like it’s most likely to be a negative affect. I’m just wondering, is all of this really worth it? I could stay living as a guy. My family would be fine with me, my friends would be ok, but I would always regret that decision, I just know it, and I will constantly try to push the boundaries as far as I can to make myself appear as female as possible. Or I could start living as a female and possibly alienate half my family just for my own satisfaction. Both ways seem like the wrong thing to do.
Despite the amount of times people say it, I still don’t believe it fully; my life cannot always be what I want it to be. There are so many factors that affect it. For instance I speak to countless married crossdressers who hide their secret from their wives. Sometimes these people have kids too. Now, how can “Live your life how you want” be a good suggestion to someone in this position. It is such a difficult situation to sort out. If you told the truth it could wreck your life, completely throw open the gates of the unknown. So the question is really, would you rather a life of lies and laughter, or truths and troubles? It’s a tricky one, and really I do not know my answer to that yet. Lets just say, my ‘Becoming Ella’ is far from the imminent reality just now, even though I want it so much.