Wednesday, 27 February 2008
I feel annoyed at myself for not having the time or commitment currently to keep this up to date daily. I have had fairly good reasons for the past two nights, but anytime before that, just pure laziness. I guess it’s good to take a break occasionally, helps keep my writing fresh. I do love writing, maybe my favourite pastime, but you can get too much of a good thing.
The skiing holiday that I was supposed to be going on with Dad seems to have fallen to pieces because the places that aren’t fully booked are either extortionate or have no snow, and that is kinda vital for skiing. I’m not really sure how I feel about this, I would like to try new things and I would like to see more of the world, but I’m just so god darn scared! I guess that’s all part of the thrill. I was supposed to go on a skiing trip with my school six years ago, but I felt the same back then, and contracted some form of gastroenteritis. At the time I felt lucky that I had an excuse not to go, but now looking back I feel that if I’d have gone then, I’d have had the confidence to do it now. Ah well, as it turns out it probably won’t be left up to me anyway.
I am two days into my two weeks off currently, and I am pleased that I’ve managed to get out with friends both nights. That pattern looks to continue for the rest of the week as well with things planned for everyday until Saturday. But if you’ve read my diary at all before, you’ll know that only half of those will come to fruition.
I do like going out and I really like not having work, that kinda goes without saying (but I said it anyway), but I have to say, having more time to myself to think and everything has proved to me that bugger all goes on in my life apart from my job. Without that I’m actually nothing. If anyone has read/watched “About A Boy” I feel like Will, the only difference being I have a job. But let’s be honest, it’s not much to shout about anyway. I can do better, I know I can, but I really don’t know what doing. I do enjoy writing, but I do sometimes feel uneasy about writing something that I know quite a few people will be reading, that being another of the reasons I haven’t added to my diary much recently.
I want to be more confident, of course I do! But I just can’t manage it. I have a huge problem with it, whether it be my appearance or just my writing, I have problems feeling happy and confident with most things in my life. I’m not for a second going to pin all of this on me being transgender, but it certainly has some factor in it. Without making any real physical changes I have become more confident over the past few months just because of my job and my increasing self acceptance. I know more who I am, what I want and how I feel now. I just hope that I can get more and more confident as time passes.
I’m going to leave it there for tonight, I really hope I can make it back on here soon, I do enjoy doing this. Oh, and enjoy a ‘new’ picture. A better word would probably be ‘unreleased’ because this picture is from my last January batch.