Monday, 18 February 2008
Mum, you’re killing me here. Today me and Mum were in the car alone and she decided to talk to me again about my feelings. She said to me “So you still want a sex change then?” in the bluntest way I’d ever heard. I said yes. She then said “Can you please wait until we die before doing it?” and that just completely told me exactly how they feel about it. They don’t care about my well being, whether I will get by ok, or at least they don’t care about it as much as how embarrassing it will be for them. She’s ashamed of me, she thinks that I’m a freak, I’m crazy. Of course she does, she doesn’t know anything about how I’m feeling and I’ve got to get to the doctors and bring her along, to help her understand. I don’t know whether she’ll budge though, she’s pretty much set in her ways; it will be hard to convince her of different ways of life, let’s just say that.
She then said “I would rather you come home tonight and say ‘What was I thinking’ instead of us winning the lottery”. Oh thanks, so it’s not for me to be happy any more, it’s for me to decide that actually their way is best, like it always is. Maybe what I’m feeling is myself screaming to get out mixed with my own feelings of rebellion against my parents. Every child has it, well the rebellion part at least.
“I love you as my son,” Was another of her ‘genius’ morale boosting remarks. Mum!! You are not helping at all, why can’t you see that. I’m starting to think that maybe if I was suicidal, I wouldn’t be going through this trauma. She’d lay off me a bit, realise how important this is to me, and she’d need to come around to my thinking. Just because I’m not suicidal doesn’t mean I’m not serious about it. It’s kind of the opposite. Because I haven’t tried to kill myself, it shows that I believe I will be able to live a happy and fulfilling life as the woman I feel inside. If, and I mean if, I was told that I couldn’t live the rest of my life as a woman, ever, then maybe I’d be more inclined to self harm, but even then I’d still be able to appreciate the beauty the world can offer and I still would see enough reason to live.
Well there’s that part of my life getting worse by the day it seems. My parents knowing is still the best thing that has happened to me in recent years, just because I can open up to them if need be and they will now hopefully offer me a little more me-time without the follow-up questions.
At work, I’m halfway through my nearly two week non-stop marathon, just five more days until I finally get a day off. Then, after just one more four hour shift I will have a whole two weeks holiday. The first week I can hopefully meet up with friends and go out and have a much needed ‘blow some steam’ session. (That was not a sexual innuendo). The second it looks ever more likely that I’ll be going skiing with Dad. Maybe fun, but right now I’m feeling very nervous about it all. It’s a whole new experience and I don’t want to make a fool of myself, or accidentally fall off a mountain…or purposefully fall off a mountain, falling off a mountain whether to my knowledge or not can never be a good thing.
I guess I should get some sleep.