Mother’s Words

Monday, 18 February 2008

00:56

Mum, you’re killing me here. Today me and Mum were in the car alone and she decided to talk to me again about my feelings. She said to me “So you still want a sex change then?” in the bluntest way I’d ever heard. I said yes. She then said “Can you please wait until we die before doing it?” and that just completely told me exactly how they feel about it. They don’t care about my well being, whether I will get by ok, or at least they don’t care about it as much as how embarrassing it will be for them. She’s ashamed of me, she thinks that I’m a freak, I’m crazy. Of course she does, she doesn’t know anything about how I’m feeling and I’ve got to get to the doctors and bring her along, to help her understand. I don’t know whether she’ll budge though, she’s pretty much set in her ways; it will be hard to convince her of different ways of life, let’s just say that.

She then said “I would rather you come home tonight and say ‘What was I thinking’ instead of us winning the lottery”. Oh thanks, so it’s not for me to be happy any more, it’s for me to decide that actually their way is best, like it always is. Maybe what I’m feeling is myself screaming to get out mixed with my own feelings of rebellion against my parents. Every child has it, well the rebellion part at least.

“I love you as my son,” Was another of her ‘genius’ morale boosting remarks. Mum!! You are not helping at all, why can’t you see that. I’m starting to think that maybe if I was suicidal, I wouldn’t be going through this trauma. She’d lay off me a bit, realise how important this is to me, and she’d need to come around to my thinking. Just because I’m not suicidal doesn’t mean I’m not serious about it. It’s kind of the opposite. Because I haven’t tried to kill myself, it shows that I believe I will be able to live a happy and fulfilling life as the woman I feel inside. If, and I mean if, I was told that I couldn’t live the rest of my life as a woman, ever, then maybe I’d be more inclined to self harm, but even then I’d still be able to appreciate the beauty the world can offer and I still would see enough reason to live.

Well there’s that part of my life getting worse by the day it seems. My parents knowing is still the best thing that has happened to me in recent years, just because I can open up to them if need be and they will now hopefully offer me a little more me-time without the follow-up questions.

At work, I’m halfway through my nearly two week non-stop marathon, just five more days until I finally get a day off. Then, after just one more four hour shift I will have a whole two weeks holiday. The first week I can hopefully meet up with friends and go out and have a much needed ‘blow some steam’ session. (That was not a sexual innuendo). The second it looks ever more likely that I’ll be going skiing with Dad. Maybe fun, but right now I’m feeling very nervous about it all. It’s a whole new experience and I don’t want to make a fool of myself, or accidentally fall off a mountain…or purposefully fall off a mountain, falling off a mountain whether to my knowledge or not can never be a good thing.

I guess I should get some sleep.

Night! X

4 Responses to “Mother’s Words”

  1. Vivianne Says:

    It’s difficult to have a say on family matters. Of course you know your parents better than any of your internet visitors and know what to expect of them. However, I remember that there are several support groups for people starting transitioning *and* for their close relatives. All situations are different but some common patterns arise, and I think the reactions of your parents fit to some of those patterns. Perhaps one of those support groups could provide you with material you can share with your parents and/or suggest a good approach to live through this stage.

    I’m out of touch with UK (I lived there some years ago) but I remember there were organizations in England which offered to talk to relatives of transgendered people. For instance, parents of people who had already transitioned sometimes were willing to talk with parents of people considering transition, to give their point of view and offer advice. I can’t suggest specific names but you might consider getting in touch with one of these groups. The Student’s Union at some local university might be a good place to start looking for contact details.

    Take care,

    Vivianne

  2. Dawn Labelle Says:

    Its tough hun, it really is. Even though what your mum says can tear you apart inside, you know what is best for you and what you need and what she says I’m sure is still coming from a place of love, she is just from a different generation and simply doesn’t understand what is going on with you. Know that you dont have to convince her what your doing is right to keep doing it, hopefully one day she’ll come around in her thinking.

    The light at the end of tunnel is out there, stay strong
    Dawn

  3. Phil Says:

    Its hard I know when people close by do not see things from your point of view. Even harder when it is family. Your parents love you and they want what is best. For any parent it is hard to come to terms with their child’s identity particularly if it is outside the boundaries of what society deems to be normal. I think the Beaumont Society is probably a good place to start for advice. It is unlikely that a GP could help without fully understanding the issue themselves. I know it must be a difficult time for you knowing that you do not have your parents full support, but try and understand this transition is just as difficult for them too. For 20 years they have know you as their only son. When you said you wanted a sex change a lot of questions would have gone through their head. Parents will often question themselves and what they could have done wrong, your upbringing and if they have caused you to choose this way of life. It is not easy for anyone and yes there will be embarassing moments. Speaking to other young people in a similar situation will help as older mature transgender women often have more complex issues to deal with like how they break the news to their own children, work colleagues etc. Ultimately you want your parents support as much as they will need your’s. Don’t expect them to come around over night. They do care about your well being. To even bring up the idea of self harming shows that there are a lot of deep-rooted feelings that you shouldn’t keep bottling up. If it means sitting down with your parents again then do it. Don’t look for a fight thats not there. I hope that the road ahead becomes easier for you.

  4. Ronnie Rho Says:

    Give ’em some time. And by time, I don’t mean a week or two. It could take them years to come around. They could eventually become your biggest supporters.

    Or, they may not ever approve of it. BUT, they’re still talking to you, aren’t they? And that is better than being excommunicated. Even if they nag you after the surgery, even if they’re still critical beyond the point of no return, as long as they’re talking to you, there’s hope.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s


%d bloggers like this: