Monday, 11 February 2008
Well it’s been a while since I added to my diary on here, and there are plenty of good reasons for it. First off my new computer served as a fantastic side-tracking device, so I was fiddling with that a lot of the time. I’ve also come to the realisation that sleep is an extremely good thing. Since I’ve been having earlier nights, I’ve been a lot more productive at work and I’ve been feeling more generally confident. Coming with this realisation was the problem of not being able to write my diary. I would write this during the day, but diary entries are very personal, and in my opinion are a lot easier to share with the world than people close to me. My parents know about me, yes, my sister does not and my parents don’t want to tell her…yet. I don’t personally see the problem with it, she is 15 and would probably be ok with it when she realises that I’ll be the same person on the inside. I’ll still be happy and jokey and fun, the difference will be that I won’t be hiding anything behind the humour.
So yes, I’ve had problems getting on here. So why am I here now, when it’s past 1am in the morning and with work tomorrow?! Well it’s because I need this diary. I’ve said it before, but this does serve as the perfect vent for all my feelings and emotions to flow out. I have no one to talk to and every day my parents seem to be less on board. I don’t think that they were ever actually on board, but they’ve just got further away still, to keep up this metaphor, they are there with their megaphones shouting at me to stop on this crazy voyage that I so insist on partaking in.
Mum is the worst; constantly making comments about my hair being too long, or saying things like “I wonder if you’ll bald like your father when you’re older”. Yeh, thanks for that Mum, you’re such a great confidence builder aren’t you? Give me more things to worry about please!
I do get back at her sometimes though, but coded so my sister doesn’t completely understand. Recently because of the purchase of this very fine computing machine I’ve been able to ‘pass down’ my laptop to my sister. My sister was, well, ecstatic at the thought of having my laptop in her room and she did seem as excited as I was when mine came. But a few days after the delivery my Mum was going on about all these ‘flashy gizmos’ and ‘stuff’, feigning a lack of knowledge of real computer terms. She then said to my sister “Why is it always boys that like all these flashy gadgets?”. She asked my sister but I know it was a slight stab at me. My sister said nothing, just shrugged like most 15 year olds who don’t give two dumplings. I then said, “Just boys you say?! Well ok I’ll keep that laptop of mine to myself then, Jo’s a girl so she doesn’t need it!” My sister then got more involved and started saying how much she wanted it. I looked at my rather defeated Mum with a slight grin signifying a rare victory.
I do genuinely hate male and female stereotypes. Even though I do consider myself female on the inside, I do still do some ‘traditionally male’ things, but if I was born a girl no one would even bat an eyelid. People will try and dissuade me from doing what I’m doing because of these activities, but I truly know who I am inside and I enjoy what I enjoy. Live and let live.
As you may have gathered, I do still have a lot to say, even though I haven’t been writing on here, and hopefully this post signifies the return of my diary. As with my feelings of gender stereotypes emitted from this post, I will give you a photo I took in January. I call it Fe/Male.