Thursday, 17 January 2008
Ok, here I am, my time of being Ella has ended, at least for the time being. There is very little chance of me having the house to myself in the foreseeable future. But, I don’t mind. I do mind not being Ella fulltime, but I don’t mind that the opportunity to crossdress has gone. It is fun, and I do take photos as a primary goal from dressing up, but to me it is just too scary. I don’t get a rush from it, I just have fear, fear of being caught.
Today was possibly the worst case of that. I well all out today and wore full make-up, mascara included. Now the last time I used mascara I had a terrible time getting it off because I’d not heard of a thing called facial cleansing wipes. On that occasion I rubbed really really hard with a flannel to remove it. Word of advice, do NOT rub your eyes really hard with a flannel.
To explain the inevitable red marks beneath my eyes I claimed that I’d come down with a mysterious illness, or “I got no sleep last night”, depending on who I told. Unfortunately due to my completely poor timing I had my red marks under my eyes not only through an A Level exam, but also on my birthday, when my red eyes were questioned thoroughly by all my caring, but intrusive, relations! Despite everything stacked against me I did seem to manage to get away with it. But I was left completely scared about ever using mascara again.
Since that time, today is only the second time I’ve used it, the first being the time I went out to “The Way Out Club” in London. The reason I used it today was basically because I knew this would be the last time for a while, and I need to practice using mascara after all. So I did it without thinking too much of repercussions. I knew my sister had some make-up removing wipes in her bedroom, and it did say it removed waterproof mascara, so I thought it would be fine.
So yeh I got dressed, took photos, blaady blaady blaa. Then when I had to remove my make-up I took a shower as well as the wipes. When I came out afterwards, all the make-up appeared to have gone, so I was pretty happy. I put everything back in its correct place, got ready for work, and off I went.
At work though, I was completely aware that only an hour or so ago I was completely made up and looked like a girl. This played on my mind a lot and I felt like I’d forgotten something stupid, like I was still wearing my wig, or still had make-up on. I was on the till point, so I didn’t have any mirrors around apart from the one in the product scanner, so I tried to get the right angle to check myself.
All the while I was getting some quite odd looks which only made me feel more like I still had make-up on. I got more and more nervous and felt my heart beating ten to the dozen. When I eventually caught a glimpse of myself in the scanner it did look like I still had remnants of mascara below my eye. So then I felt even worse. I kept checking back again, and every time I looked I saw it differently. I was getting really quite worked up within myself and I felt completely trapped. I couldn’t get off the till point and to go to the toilet because that would attract attention and then people might notice if they hadn’t already. So I patiently just waited until I was taken off, I went up to the toilet, looked at myself in the mirror, and, nothing. I had absolutely no remnants of make-up on at all. I really didn’t understand why I saw it on the till point, but really there was nothing at all. I was so relieved, and I went back down feeling a lot lot better with myself, and I noticed that the customers seemed to be a lot friendlier and more natural with me. The reason so many people thought I looked weird because I was being frantically paranoid, as soon as I was ok with myself, people reacted much better.
So there, I learnt that today. If you act confident and you feel you are ok with yourself, people will feel obliged to react in a friendly way, but if you feel like you look ugly, or you always focus on your own negative points, people will see that you’re depressed and will find it harder to be friendly with you. So, chin up, think about your positive points and people will accept you.
Well there, that’s a good lesson for us all! Isn’t that just lovely.
Right then, you may or may not be pleased to know that my new photos are ready, so I’ll post one below. Let me just say though, the first few I upload will be ‘traditional’, but after that they’re going to be a lot more artsy. I know some people will appreciate that, and I’m hoping they might be more likely to be seen by people outside the transgender spectrum, thus increasing awareness. See, I’m always thinking, not just an occasionally pretty face!