Faults

Friday, 11 January 2008

01:29

There is something wrong with me. If I ever think about my past, I always seem to think about things I regret. I cannot forgive myself for the stupid mistakes I made when I was younger.

For example once at school this boy threw his pen at me and it hurt. Then I think other kids laughed. He told me to throw it back, so blatantly I didn’t. He then came over, and when he did I jumped on his back and started hitting him or something, I don’t know. I don’t know what made me do that, I was and always have been a relaxed kind of person and I never got into trouble at school. I was always one of the goody-two-shoes! That time I did retaliate to bullying and it was then that my teacher walked into the class. I was told off, but nothing more as far as I remember. What I’d completely forgotten about though, was that it was Parent’s Evening that night, meaning the evening that my parents come in to talk to my teacher to see how I’m getting on.

Of course it must have been talked about because when Mum and Dad came home they gave me a look and I ran up into my room upset. That, I have never ever got over, I can’t forgive myself for just being young and silly. That’s the only time I’ve ever had a bad report from school and I feel like it’s a black spot on my history. I know now that it was really nothing, but that doesn’t stop me not regretting it.

There are other things apart from that as well. If I think about things that I’ve said that really embarrassed me then I just get worked up again and hate that I was so stupid. I think my problem is maybe that I expect too much of myself. I want to be perfect, I don’t want a bad word said about me. Is that just my personality, or is it something to do with me being insecure and constantly seeking encouragement and compliments?

Well, enough talk about stupid things in my past, we only live in the present so I guess it’s best to focus on that. A perfectionist I may be, but I’m not crazy. I hate leaving jobs half done at work, I hate when somebody blames me for a job half done even though it wasn’t my fault. They say I should have done it quicker, but I’d prefer to get the job done exactly right, I don’t like cutting corners at all.

I don’t like talking about my faults, so I will move on. I feel scared about what people think about me.

I have to admit though, I think I am growing up. Maybe people will think I’m crazy, or boring, or ugly, but really, does it actually matter? I always try to be the best person I can be and if I’m doing that, I should be happy with myself, and anyone else that likes me is a huge plus.

Night! X

4 Responses to “Faults”

  1. Emily Says:

    Just wanted to say that my bully at school at an effect on my education, until one particular day, when I finally cracked. He had me pinned up against the wall. I had enough, so when he let go I tapped on the shoulder to ask why he wa picking on me, before he could answer I hit him in the face, breaking his nose. Cut things short I was suspended for a week and he ended up with two black eyes. When I returned to school, nobody talked to me for the rest of the school year, problem I hit in the autumn term, so with nobody talking to me, I ended doing alot of things by myself. That when I started finding friends outside school

  2. Emily Says:

    It wasn’t the silliest thing I did, I was caught in the library, wearing female shirt, jumper and trousers, but it was the fact that the bra was showing through crating mini bumps in the front. It was two females from the school. Lucky enough, we had finished for the summer. I wanted to see what it was like wearing female clothes in public and who would take any notice. Thos two did, I couldn’t hide anywhere, to this day I am sure they most have noticed something, but they never said anything, when I returned. I was more careful after that.

  3. Adam Says:

    I can certainly relate to being bullied at school. We were always moving around so I was always the new kid at school. So of course the bullies had to let me know who was boss. All I ever wanted was for people to like me and I never understood why people I had done nothing to wanted to fight me.

    In 6th grade we all had to wait in the lunch room for the bus to take us home at the end of the day. While waiting a kid I hardly knew shot a rubber band at me. I picked it up and shot it back and it hit him. He jumped up and came over to me and did something. I don’ t know what he did because the next thing I remember we were at the other side of the lunch room, I had him up against the wall hitting him in the face. I have no memory of how we got there.

    It’s only one of two fights I won while in the 6th grade. I guess I had had enough. The next day the guy had a black eye and he never bothered me again.

    I have no regrets about giving him a black eye. I guess I regret more that I didn’t stand up for myself more as a kid. As distasteful as fighting was, maybe I would have had more respect, and self respect, if I had not allowed bullies to get the best of me.

    I’m kind of surprised that I’m writing this in such an open forum. I’ve never talked about this except to a few select people. Perhaps I should start a blog and share things about my life like you are. Does writing help you feel better?

  4. georgia Says:

    i am 12 years old and currently in year 8, and although i deeply understand the suffering some of the people in the first year went through, i turned a blind eye.

    i became popular as a big, strong macho guy. but i wasn’t, and still am, sure if i wanted to be a macho guy or to if i was a tg or just an average crossdresser. this year though i am using the fact of being tall and strong to help others that were pointlessly chosen to be bullied.

    in fact it was today that i informed my mum about my feminine side, meaning my crossdressing and my possible gender dyphoria.

    a bit late though i guess xx

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