Friday, 11 January 2008
There is something wrong with me. If I ever think about my past, I always seem to think about things I regret. I cannot forgive myself for the stupid mistakes I made when I was younger.
For example once at school this boy threw his pen at me and it hurt. Then I think other kids laughed. He told me to throw it back, so blatantly I didn’t. He then came over, and when he did I jumped on his back and started hitting him or something, I don’t know. I don’t know what made me do that, I was and always have been a relaxed kind of person and I never got into trouble at school. I was always one of the goody-two-shoes! That time I did retaliate to bullying and it was then that my teacher walked into the class. I was told off, but nothing more as far as I remember. What I’d completely forgotten about though, was that it was Parent’s Evening that night, meaning the evening that my parents come in to talk to my teacher to see how I’m getting on.
Of course it must have been talked about because when Mum and Dad came home they gave me a look and I ran up into my room upset. That, I have never ever got over, I can’t forgive myself for just being young and silly. That’s the only time I’ve ever had a bad report from school and I feel like it’s a black spot on my history. I know now that it was really nothing, but that doesn’t stop me not regretting it.
There are other things apart from that as well. If I think about things that I’ve said that really embarrassed me then I just get worked up again and hate that I was so stupid. I think my problem is maybe that I expect too much of myself. I want to be perfect, I don’t want a bad word said about me. Is that just my personality, or is it something to do with me being insecure and constantly seeking encouragement and compliments?
Well, enough talk about stupid things in my past, we only live in the present so I guess it’s best to focus on that. A perfectionist I may be, but I’m not crazy. I hate leaving jobs half done at work, I hate when somebody blames me for a job half done even though it wasn’t my fault. They say I should have done it quicker, but I’d prefer to get the job done exactly right, I don’t like cutting corners at all.
I don’t like talking about my faults, so I will move on. I feel scared about what people think about me.
I have to admit though, I think I am growing up. Maybe people will think I’m crazy, or boring, or ugly, but really, does it actually matter? I always try to be the best person I can be and if I’m doing that, I should be happy with myself, and anyone else that likes me is a huge plus.