Tuesday, 01 January 2008
So there we go, 2007 is finished. Predictably 2008 follows.
I must apologise for not updating this more frequently over the festive period. The lack of routine has created very few times I can actually get on here and write a decent entry.
I’ll give you the low-down on what’s been happening with me lately. Saturday night I went out properly for the first time in god knows how long. I drank a lot, spent much too much, and generally just had a good time! Not a lot of things happened that night, but as a result of that night the New Years Eve house party got cancelled. The girls house I would have been going to decided to call if off because her boyfriend broke up with her. Apparently we weren’t giving him enough time when we saw him on the Saturday. It’s obvious that there’s more to the break up than just that and clearly we (her friends) just served as a good excuse for dumping, just because we don’t really like him that much either.
So, yes, the plans for New Years once again fell to the floor and I was destined to stay at home with family and friends. Ok, it’s not all bad, but really it kinda is!
On the Sunday after, I have to be honest I can’t remember a whole lot. I think I was just recovering from drinking and then, later in the day I think I went up town to exchange some late gifts whilst having another few drinks. It was probably the drinks that caused the forgetfulness to be honest. Anyway after coming home I do remember having one of my worst breakdowns yet. When I came back from town, we actually went to my Nan’s house to see her newly purchased TV. She wasn’t actually there at that point and was at church, her being fairly religious and all. But without any real warning, whilst all of our family were at Nan’s and just watching the TV, I just got uncontrollably upset seemingly over nothing in particular. Dad didn’t really react, he just carried on as normal, he knew what was bothering me. My sister was confused and she didn’t really know what to do, but my Mum kept asking what was wrong. I said things like “I don’t know” just like I used to when this happened before. I couldn’t tell her the truth because she told me not to say anything to my sister. So she kept asking and I kept giving the same pointless answer. I couldn’t understand why she didn’t know what was wrong with me. Eventually when my sister left the room Mum asked “Is it this thing again?” and I just said yes. After that she kept saying things like “But you’re such a nice lad” and “You’re a really masculine guy” and anything else she could find to try and convince herself those things were true.
I cannot see any good reason why Mum would say those things to me. It’s as if she thinks I see myself as a not very masculine person, so therefore I must be a girl. She feels like if she tells me a guyish guy then it’ll help, but it really doesn’t it does not help one bit. I am a girl inside, that’s the only reason I want it. I am not particularly feminine generally, but then again I’m not masculine either. It’s got nothing to do with how I react now, I hide so much of it anyway. It’s how I feel inside and how I want to be true to myself.
Mum decided to take me home from Nan’s before she got back because she couldn’t see me in the current state I was in. So when I got home I was pretty mad at my Mum so I stormed up to my room, slammed my door and cried into my duvet. That is the first time I’ve ever done anything like that. I’m not usually very emotionally outward, but that was a time when I couldn’t stop it. Eventually I came around, my Mum came in and we made up, but I still wasn’t happy with her. Not accepting it at all and just hoping it disappears. One good thing about this outburst though, is that now Mum knows how much this means to me and if she ‘makes’ me not go ahead with this then this is what my life will comprise of. The emotional leaks are getting more and more frequent and I can only see that ever increasing the older I get.
Anyway, that was Sunday.
Monday, (New Years Eve) things were better. I still felt upset at times, but I held back. I did have work so that took my mind of it all quite well. I had to work earlier than usual as well, doing 8am to 6pm. It was quite a long day especially because I wasn’t sat down at all apart from on my breaks.
When I got home I tidied my room, got changed and just relaxed a bit. My family were coming over later and we were to have a meal, wait around til midnight and celebrate the coming of the New Year. I had the meal but afterwards I don’t know what hit me, I just went off so tired, and by about 10:45pm I was falling asleep into my dessert. I decided I wasn’t going to make it to midnight and went to bed. I was planning on waking up again for the countdown, but I never made it and instead slept to about 9am this morning. The one night of the year I’m supposed to stay up late, I can’t help but go to bed early.
So now pretty much here I am. I’d better finish off now as this has been a bit of an epic entry. Seen as one of my New Years Resolutions is to take a good photo everyday I will upload one for today. I hope I can keep it going, it would be fantastic to do. Not only will it improve my photography skills it will also ‘make’ me go out and do more interesting things. Can’t see anything wrong with that idea!
So there we go, here’s 2008. And here’s my first 365 entry…