What Do I Really Want?

Tuesday, 04 December 2007


I don’t get myself a lot of the time. I don’t understand some of my feelings, I have to know the difference between what is a genuine want and what is just short time desire. I’m not talking about being transgender, I know I am, now I’m talking about what I want from a relationship.

I think what I want more than anything is to have a husband and settle down, own a nice comfortable house where I can sit at my computer and write for a living. Then away from everyday life I can go out, have a good time, go and see the world etc, etc. Obviously a lot of that is just plain dreaming, but it’s what I want.

But alongside that, there’s just this sexual side to me that I don’t know what to do with! I want to get out there, clubbing every other night, having fun sexual adventures. I feel like I want to be dominated, I want to serve someone, I want to have no control over my life. I’m sorry, but this is my truth, this is what I feel sometimes.

This is honesty, not boasting ok? I do get admirers contact me, as with all TG girls I believe. Usually the talk boils down to sexual wants and needs, and soon they want ‘cyber’. I am generalising here and I realise that not all the guys I talk to are like that, I’m not trying to offend anyone here. There are some great guys out there that I can have just a nice friendly conversation with.

The guys that do talk sexy to me, I don’t hate you either really. In fact I do often enjoy that, but then after a bit I just feel kinda dirty, and not in the hot way! I want to stop talking sexy and just have a nice conversation. That’s my sexual desire dieing off, and my genuine want for a future soul mate kicking in. As good as the sexual stuff is, don’t be offended if I just say I don’t want to do it anymore, it may not be to do with you, it’ll just be me changing moods!

I think the reason for this seemingly random sexual desire mood swing is the fact that I have never had a real relationship in my life and to be honest, 20 years of living in Singleville is a long time. I do want a relationship, but I do at the same time feel scared of change. In reality, how difficult is it going to be to introduce my family to my new boyfriend? It’s just going to completely hit it home that this is what I want, and it’s what I’m going to have. Any kind of relationship is going to have to wait until either I move out or my parents accept me fully. For some reason I just imagine that me moving out is going to be sooner.

Well that’ll have to do for tonight, or should I say morning. I’m unsure of whether I should stay up for a few more hours just so I get up a good time tomorrow, or just have a real long day tomorrow. I guess I survived working until 7am through the night once, and I didn’t even wake up at a different time, so going to sleep now wouldn’t be too bad.

That’s a wrap,

Night! X


2 Responses to “What Do I Really Want?”

  1. Gail Says:

    Snap, spent the early hours of the morning talking to my best friend about how i go about finding a relationship, even just dating again, the concept seems so weird and yet desirable, but it also seems often to be just out of reach.

    Gail x

  2. DC Says:

    Ella , those are ligitimate feelings, I have been hetro all my life , but your life stories intrigue me and I feel for you. I am a father of 2, a daughter of 19 years and a son of 15. I always wanted a family, wife and children to be a father too.
    I can understand some of your fathers emotions concerning your gender, don’t judge him harshly, he is a father trying to do the best for his family.
    I find your writings interesting and I feel you will make a great writer when you decide to grab the bull by the horns and make it happen.
    Seek and you will find the key you are missing.

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