Saturday, 24 November 2007
I just checked my diary from this time last year (it was a slow day today!) to see where I was at. It turns out that it was one of my lows. I had just finished work, and got changed having previously agreed to go out with my friends. Then, when I was all ready and organised, I rang one of my friends and it turned out that the night had been cancelled. It all fell through, which to be honest, is like everything else my friends organise. I shouldn’t have been surprised, but I was. After getting ready and really being quite excited about going out and blowing off steam, having to then be suddenly dropped like that had a big affect. I got upset a lot and cried, still in the cloakroom at work. Nobody decided to tell me that it was off. Why?! Anyway, that event lead to the eventual telling of Charlie, and so then Woo. I told Charlie (who’s real name is Charlotte by the way) that I was just feeling down in my life generally and I looked forward to going out, so then she started talking to me properly, asking why. This led to me opening up to her, and to be perfectly honest, I’ve never really been as close to her since then. She has distanced herself from me, whether on purpose, or just naturally, but I certainly see her less now. It’s sad, but I guess I can’t just presume that everyone is going to 100% accept me straight away. I’ve been lucky to be honest, everyone else, bar my parents, seems to have been ok, and it’s probably strengthened our relationships rather than anything else. I know that I’ve never been closer to Rob, the friend that found out first.
One thing has been on my mind for a while now though. Telling my best friend, Naomi (Nay) is possibly even worse than telling parents. My parents were never going to throw me out or anything like that, but friends, friends don’t have to stick together. She could just shun me, and be off, never to be seen again. I have been friends with her since the very start of school and really we’ve never fought. Once in Junior school Nay and all the girls I was friends with sided against me, and I was just sat there on my own, alienated because I was a boy. It didn’t take long before we became friends again though, in fact it was probably about half an hour.
I can’t quite judge how Nay would take it because I’ve known her for so long, it may seem like I’ve been deceiving her all these years, but at the same time, she has probably always thought of me as one of the girls. Many times she’d say about how annoying or disgusting boys are, and then she’d look at me and say “But not you, you’re different”. I don’t know, maybe I should just take the plunge and see. If she falls out with me because of that then maybe she’s not the friend I thought she was.
I have tried to imagine the ‘coming out’ from the other perspective, but it’s hard. If say, Nay came up to me saying she wanted to be a man, apart from the initial shock, I’d be fine with it. But maybe I’m biased because I know so much about how that feels! I’ve never really had news like that broken to me. I think to be honest, I would be fine with a lot of things. I am pretty open-minded, so as long as someone didn’t come out saying they were a murderer or something, I’d probably be ok. Actually even if they did say that, I’d still try and help, as long as they weren’t brandishing a knife while they were saying that. Murderers must have something wrong in their mind that needs fixing, and I’m sure it could be fixed in a lot of cases. Maybe I’m being naïve though. I just find it hard to believe someone in their right mind would want to kill another human being!
Anyway, I’m drifting off the point. And drifting off just generally as well, so I’ll call it a night.