Emotional Blackmail

Friday, 23 November 2007


My Mum is getting to me at the moment. Today she said “Please don’t go ahead with this, you’d be killing my son if you do”. What a horrible line. How could she say that? It’s obvious I’ve got a tonne of troubles to deal with at the moment then she throws that in. I know she is just trying to help me lead a good life and she doesn’t want me to be ridiculed in public, but saying something like that doesn’t help me in anyway. In my mind this is what I want more than anything, and then to be told that this is causing my Mum to lose her son, it just rips me apart. I don’t want to hurt my parents like that. I told her that I’d still be the same person inside, but she wouldn’t have it.

She then kept going on about how masculine I am. “You don’t have feminine traits”, things like that. She then added that if anyone is supposed to change, it’s my cousin Phil. He has expensive haircuts, drinks cocktails and the like. That’s about it for his feminine traits. He’s not feminine, he’s just a guy that looks after himself well. The reason I don’t have expensive haircuts is because I just don’t want to look like a good guy, I don’t want to look like a guy at all. I also do drink cocktails (not that that’s a clear cut sign of feminism!) but I just don’t tell my parents. I don’t like to invite awkward questions. That’s the main point of this. I’ve hidden myself from my parents all this time and they quite simply can’t believe it. I also still can’t act like myself because of my sister not knowing. It’s infuriating!

Well apart from that, not a whole lot else happened. I did draw a picture of Betty from Ugly Betty today. It’s been a long time since I actually drew something, the last time was probably during my Fine Art classes at college. I’m pleased with how it looks, considering the fact I spent like ten minutes on it. I would post a picture of it, but it’s not finished and besides which, the pencilling is so light you probably wouldn’t see it anyway.

I didn’t go to the doctors today to sort out an appointment, and to be honest I don’t really know why. I guess I’m scared about going back. She might be like “And why has it taken you so long to come back? Are you not serious about this?”. I guess the longer I leave it, the more likely it is that that question will be asked.

Enough pondering. Here’s a huge rubber duck for no reason…


Night! X


2 Responses to “Emotional Blackmail”

  1. Alice Says:

    That’s horrible.
    I went through a similar thing and i realised that i showed very few female traits because i had been hiding them for so long, the false male traits be become engrained in my personality. I am still ironing them out.
    I hope your mum becomes more supportive.

  2. Zostrum Says:

    Your Mum is frightened of the next step. Make your decisions for you not her. She will come round – trust me. She’s ypur Mum not the enemy. As I said before – patience and be you.

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