Friday, 16 November 2007
Life changes. Nothing ever stays exactly as you thought it would. My parents know that, but right now they don’t want to.
After telling them a couple of says ago, they’re now in a mixture of different states. They both think they know me better than I know myself. They keep saying that we’ve looked back over your life and not really seen anything that would have given us a clue to how you feel. I’ve said that I have hidden so much, I didn’t want them to get any hints, I was great at hiding myself, in fact I’ve been perfect, so it seems. They had never found out about anything I’ve done in the past that I thought I’d been slack on. They were completely clueless up until the point that Mum found out. I find that quite hard to believe really.
They are also fearing for my future. They said that I am ‘normal’ now, and I’m going to be throwing that away to be, in dad’s words, ‘a bit of a freak’. He said that no matter what I do, I’m always going to be a guy in a dress, and I, without trying to sound too knowing, said that I wasn’t so sure. He seems to think that I’m too masculine to be a girl. I wanted to show him my pictures right there and then to prove that I could look good, but I knew it wasn’t the right time so soon after telling them. I just had to make do with saying, not all transsexuals look like drag queens, or something like that. I’m not even sure I’ve used the word transsexual yet.
Apparently Dad has been doing some reading and I think that’s great of him. Both of them are trying to understand, but they’re not understanding that this is something I can just turn off. He wants me to change my mind instead of my body. He suggested hypnosis. I said that I wouldn’t want to do that because if I didn’t feel like I wanted to be a girl, then that wouldn’t be me. Getting rid of that aspect of me would be changing me completely.
To be honest with you, ever since I’ve told my parents I’ve probably felt the worst about this than at any other time. Even though I won’t commit suicide, or self harm or anything like that, I do now completely understand why people might. At least before I told them I had the hope that they’d accept it, but now they don’t seem to be it’s just depressed me more. It’s like there’s no way out. I know it is still early days yet, and we haven’t talked to my 14 year old sister about it yet, so nothing big is going to happen at the moment. My parents want me to live a lie, but have a ‘normal’ life.
I want to live as myself, even if it isn’t considered ‘normal’.
As nothing but this has been on my mind for the last few days, I’m going to blow off some steam Saturday night and go out clubbing. It will be so good just to let go and drink! (I’m not alcoholic!).
Ok as I’m feeling a little tired, and more than anything else, emotionally drained, I’m going to finish.