It’s Still Early Days

Friday, 16 November 2007

00:01

Life changes. Nothing ever stays exactly as you thought it would. My parents know that, but right now they don’t want to.

After telling them a couple of says ago, they’re now in a mixture of different states. They both think they know me better than I know myself. They keep saying that we’ve looked back over your life and not really seen anything that would have given us a clue to how you feel. I’ve said that I have hidden so much, I didn’t want them to get any hints, I was great at hiding myself, in fact I’ve been perfect, so it seems. They had never found out about anything I’ve done in the past that I thought I’d been slack on. They were completely clueless up until the point that Mum found out. I find that quite hard to believe really.

They are also fearing for my future. They said that I am ‘normal’ now, and I’m going to be throwing that away to be, in dad’s words, ‘a bit of a freak’. He said that no matter what I do, I’m always going to be a guy in a dress, and I, without trying to sound too knowing, said that I wasn’t so sure. He seems to think that I’m too masculine to be a girl. I wanted to show him my pictures right there and then to prove that I could look good, but I knew it wasn’t the right time so soon after telling them. I just had to make do with saying, not all transsexuals look like drag queens, or something like that. I’m not even sure I’ve used the word transsexual yet.

Apparently Dad has been doing some reading and I think that’s great of him. Both of them are trying to understand, but they’re not understanding that this is something I can just turn off. He wants me to change my mind instead of my body. He suggested hypnosis. I said that I wouldn’t want to do that because if I didn’t feel like I wanted to be a girl, then that wouldn’t be me. Getting rid of that aspect of me would be changing me completely.

To be honest with you, ever since I’ve told my parents I’ve probably felt the worst about this than at any other time. Even though I won’t commit suicide, or self harm or anything like that, I do now completely understand why people might. At least before I told them I had the hope that they’d accept it, but now they don’t seem to be it’s just depressed me more. It’s like there’s no way out. I know it is still early days yet, and we haven’t talked to my 14 year old sister about it yet, so nothing big is going to happen at the moment. My parents want me to live a lie, but have a ‘normal’ life.

I want to live as myself, even if it isn’t considered ‘normal’.

As nothing but this has been on my mind for the last few days, I’m going to blow off some steam Saturday night and go out clubbing. It will be so good just to let go and drink! (I’m not alcoholic!).

Ok as I’m feeling a little tired, and more than anything else, emotionally drained, I’m going to finish.

Night! X

3 Responses to “It’s Still Early Days”

  1. Fiona White Says:

    I think you are incredibly brave to have faced this. I know it was kind of an accident that your Mum found out but you had already started to deal with this by seeing a doctor so I suspect it was only a matter of time before you would have confronted your parents anyway.

    I can’t relate exactly to how you may be feeling now but I do remember the fact that my wife now knew making me doubt my self and consider not being me. I think other peoples negative views can affect you and make you start to think this is not ‘normal’.

    To be fair to my parents, when they found out (all came out once I’d told my wife) they were very supportive and my Dad asked pretty good questions and even told me I was brave (as well as possibly a bit silly) to have come clean. He did research also and I was impressed by this. My Mum was a little more edgy about everything but calmed down after a few days.

    There is no such thing as normal – that’s just a construct that society or individuals use to avoid the enormous complexity of life. The more I learn the more I find out that there is so much out there that in reality ‘normal’ can no longer be used!

    My parents said one thing (which is something they have said before): You only get one life. Obviously seek objective help and advice but if you really feel you want to take a certain path then do, you won’t get another chance and you’ll feel terrible to look back and regret what you didn’t do.

  2. Zostrum Says:

    I have read this blog and seen your new pictures. What strength! You are showing all the courage and tenaciousness that you will need. You may not realize but by being without the wig and yet staying feminine you have taken another huge step towards your goal. Think of all around you and all you love. Be patient, be strong, be courageous but most of all, be you.

    Best of luck.

  3. Anonymous Says:

    I just want the opportunity to tell you you are extremely lucky, and perhaps warn you of what may or may not be to come.

    I’ve been through something similar to you – not quite the same, but similar – and I’ve struggled with my own tendencies, and with the secrets, and with everything.

    I’m not a transsexual. Just an occasional crossdresser. It’s something I feel the need to do every so often – to let off steam, things like that. I’m happy being male, but every so often I just needed to be someone else, escape from myself. For me it was a very strong calming influence.

    Like you, I spoke to psychologists for a very long time. My parents had me seeing one from around age eight – they thought I had ADD, which I don’t – and they never discovered what I was really talking to the psychologists about. It was never a very stable arrangement; I must’ve seen about fifteen different ones, all specialists in something else, because my parents could never figure out just what it was that was wrong with me.

    When I was 19, my father found out about it. It only takes one time when you forget to erase the history in Internet Explorer, after all. He confronted me about it, crying hysterically, fearing the worst… I had to explain to him (my family, and I, are very religious) that I have no intention of becoming a woman. That calmed him down, but not quite enough.

    You see, this happened one month before I went off to college. And of course his fear was that the moment I would be outside of his domain it would all explode into fruition, because with five siblings one doesn’t get too much privacy to dress up.

    The result of all this is that, during my entire first year at college, I became my father’s obsession. He was overprotective, calling me at all hours of the day and night, sending me messages over IM, asking me all the time if I was okay… he was gaining weight, doing worse at his job… it caused him no end of stress. One day I exploded at him because he was pissed off at me for not responding to his IMs in a timely fashion, and he went and told my mom. So then they both knew, and things were infinitely worse.

    Now things are better. I’m 23, married to an amazing wife who knows I do this and supports me. She doesn’t let me dress as a woman whenever I want, at my own request – I prefer not to let this get out of control. So I’ve reached a state of equilibrium, especially given that I live 5,700 miles away from my parents, which makes my life considerably easier.

    It’s not the same thing you’re going through at all. But it’s something you may want to be prepared for. I found my balance; and you will, too, eventually. How your parents will react is going to be unpredictable, probably even more so than how mine did because from what little I’ve read you seem to have taken this more seriously than I. So you should be prepared for anything over the course of the next year in particular, no matter what the initial reaction was. My parents, too, immediately began hugging me spontaneously, doing me favors; they were trying to make up for what they perceived to be some fault of their own, of their upbringing, that somehow result in this “abomination”. They wanted to help me out of this any way they could.

    You are in a way lucky, and in a way unlucky, that your parents didn’t react that way, that they are more supportive and understanding. Lucky because it will reduce stress incredibly in the short term. Unlucky because that means the controlling influences in your life have been partially lifted.

    I’ve wanted to unload my story from my chest for a very long time, and give some advice to someone who’s going through something similar. I apologize for giving you my life history, and if it’s boring or if you feel like I’m trolling, I won’t be offended if you delete this comment. But I’d still like to give you some advice, simply because you’re one of the few people I’ve seen on the internet who struggles with this and yet seems sane.

    Don’t push too hard.

    Not with your parents, not with yourself. Your parents are right that you have to consider how this will affect your sister; in many ways, it will affect her far more than them or even you. You’re already used to it; they’ve likely developed a thicker skin over Xty years of life. But even they will have their limits – so the last thing you should do now is flaunt it in front of them. You haven’t thus far, but I know from my own experience that it didn’t take long for me to go very overboard when I had more of an opportunity – and you want to be a woman more than I do.

    Explain to them the terminology. That’s very important. Transgendered, transsexual, drag queen, shemale… people who don’t read about this sort of thing tend to think it’s one giant perverted sex orgy, unless (like your parents did) they think it’s a Monty Python sketch gone wrong. Show them the difference between humor and reality, and especially the difference between you and those who’ve turned it into something from a XXX theatre in Thailand.

    Most important of all, keep a hold of yourself. I’m sure you’ve seen the wide range of people online who crossdress. I’ve seen some of the comments on your pictures on Flickr – and, unless I’ve judged you incorrectly by your writings, you’ve probably been disgusted by one or two (dozen) of them. But there are many people who started where you are today, where I was three years ago, and that’s where they are now. I found my balance, and I know it’s not the right one for you; you need to find your own, and you need to be very careful doing it.

    I wish you the very best of luck in whatever path you take. Be well.

    -D

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