Wednesday, 07 November 2007
I did do some practice on the piano today, and I did manage to get the sheet music for those two pieces I showed yesterday. They are fairly simple to play, it’s a lot of repetition, which makes in so much easier to learn. Also I’m nearly able to play “I Giorni” off by heart as well. Most of it was already in my head, but it’s just the feeling of the book going from in front of you, it’s like taking the training wheels off your bike, there’s no safety net.
Apart from that playing of the piano today, I’ve not done much else, and to be honest I’m feeling a bit down. Things are starting to get to me again, I just feel so trapped all the time. I feel like I’m being forced down paths that I don’t really want to go down, I want to go off on a different route.
I’ve got it planned how I’m going to tell my parents. I have a letter from when I went to the doctors earlier in the year with basically a professional assessment of how I’m feeling. I think that it would be of great use to show that letter to them, it’s worded better than I could ever imagine saying it, and by showing them that it also shows just how serious I am about this. That’s the thing that I think will most likely happen. Denial. My parents will deny that these feelings are true. I’m also going to have to pick a time when both my parents are present, telling one parent before another is only going to complicate matters, and besides which, I think they might be calmer together. The hardest thing will be those first few words, after that it should all flow out. I will get upset and I know that isn’t necessarily a good thing, but it’s inevitable. I can almost feel that frog in my throat already.
Today I’ve been thinking a lot about, “Can this really happen?”. Other people do go ahead with this, but it really doesn’t seem like the ‘me’ thing to do. I don’t know, it just seems like the image of people that go ahead with this are all usually quite outgoing sorts. I, along with the rest of my family, are all quite reserved, but nevertheless this is something I need to do. I guess to know whether I can truly go through with this will be found out when I live as a year or more as a woman. If I have no problems then, then that’s it, I will go ahead with it. But you know how much I hate people disliking me, and lets be honest, I’m not exactly going to be making a sack load of friends with this. That might be enough to make me even more upset. Again, I don’t know, I’ll just have to see.
Sometimes, when I go through this sort of thing in my mind, I just think there’s no hope at all. Even if I do get through all of that and then with the surgery and everything else, then at the end of it I’m still not completely female. I would become the closest thing I could ever be, but I just feel like that’s not what I want. I don’t want to be a transsexual, I just want to be a woman, I wish I could just not need to do this at all. For the rest of my life, there’s always going to be this label hanging over my head. Of course I’m not going to go off telling this to people I barely know, but people talk and people find out things. Of course this website isn’t really going to help in my being secretive policy, but even so I don’t think I could do without a diary right now. It’s the only place I can let off steam and be honest. If I didn’t have this, I’d go crazy.
I’m going to call it a night.
Currently I’m…pondering, about everything.