Wednesday, 03 October 2007
Today I’m relatively happy. It was a day off so I couldn’t really be unhappy! I didn’t do much, just laid around the house to be honest. I would have gone out and taken a few pictures on my new camera, but it was such a gloomy day. I know some pictures would come out, but I just didn’t think it would be worth it.
So all today, I listened to music and just watched TV basically, along with the playing of games of course. Games are a very simple way of just escaping my life, that is why I like them so much, that is why I’m on them all the time. It’s a bit of a love/hate thing really. I love games when I’m playing them, but when I finish playing I just feel like I’ve been wasting my time. What I could have done in this time if I’d just have put my mind to it! When I live as a woman, I’ll be trying to avoid games as much as possible. It’s an addiction I’m hoping to kick! I’ll hopefully be able to live my life then, right now I just feel like my life is on hold. I don’t want to move forward, I’d quite like to move back but I know that’s not possible, so I’ll just try and slow down growing up as much as I can!
Anyway, I got a text off Charlie, who I have not seen for ages. I only really made friends with her last year, and I did tell her about who I really am inside. She seemed ok about it, but I can count the amount of times I’ve seen her since I told her on my right hand. It’s sad, but I think it’s mostly because she got a boyfriend not that long after I told her. In fact, I believe it was just two days after. Wow, maybe she liked me?! Anyway, she text me and wanted to meet up and catch up on Thursday. Of course I’m willing too, so I told her so. I also mentioned the upcoming Cross-dress theme night, and since then, she hasn’t replied. It’s odd, since my friend Woo mentioned for the first time a few weeks ago, nothing, absolutely nothing has been said since. When I bring it up in texts, I just don’t get replies. I don’t get it, do they feel awkward because they know how I feel, or are they just not as into the idea as I thought.
Charlie did once say she wanted to dress me up as a bunny girl, but that may have been a passing comment. She has previously dressed up Woo I believe. Woo said that she’d be the one doing his make-up. He said he wanted her in on this, as well as another girl so he could borrow her clothes. I just want to know that this is going to happen so I won’t be so brutally disappointed a week from now.
Today I also got the chance to wear something feminine for the first time in god knows how long! My dad went out for a bike ride and so I was on my own for 15 minutes. I went into my sister wardrobe and tried on one of the things that I’d not tried before. It was a grey hooded zip up top, but it was thin material and a tight fit. I liked it. All I did was put that on and just kept my guy trousers on. I’m telling you now that I was so pleased with my reflection at that point, it’s the happiest I’d been for a while. I wasn’t wearing make-up, or a wig or anything else apart from a girls top, and I actually looked good. Ok, I wouldn’t wear just that out, but it gave me some hope of the future. I am so grateful that my face and body isn’t masculine, it seems almost too feminine for a boy. I’m not just saying that, I think there’s something in this. From such an early age I wanted to be a girl. All through my life, not an hour went by without that thought running through my head. So who’s to say that that hasn’t affected my appearance in some way? I have such a huge want to be female that maybe I’m forcing myself to block my testosterone or make estrogen. I know, I know, it sounds crazy, but there might be something in it. It seems like quite a coincidence that I’m small, I have an androgynous looking face, I have, to be perfectly honest, quite a big bum! Ok everything isn’t affected, but lets face it, I can look ok in a dress right now. Maybe it is because I’m still young, but I think there’s something going on in there, my mind at war with my body. Most 20 year old guys do not look like me, lets just put it that way. I still get ID’d for 15 certificate films, and about a month ago my bum got touched by a woman that thought I was one of her female friends!
Ok, so bedtime is nigh, I had better get going I suppose. Work tomorrow. Hopefully I’ll find out if I have next week off just in case we do manage to get out on the Monday night. Even if we don’t do it, the concept of it is still good! I’m sure there’ll be other times I can do it.
Oh let me just say, Facebook scares the crap out of me. I joined a week or so ago as my male self and since then I’ve been getting all these odd requests from my friends. “Woo offers you a drink”. “Laura left a message on your super wall!” “You have been given a potato!”. My god, I don’t know what’s going on! It’s crazy I tells ya! CRAZY!
Currently I’m…downloading the show “Lucy: Teen Transsexual In Thailand”. I didn’t catch it on TV and I can’t really record the repeats because I think my parents would notice and say something. At least on here, only I can log onto my thing. I messaged her on MySpace I while back. She even found the time to reply to me, and I’ve not had a chance to reply back. What’s that about?! She’s on TV and has her own website and people message it all the time, whereas here I am with nothing else but a job in my way and I can’t even find the time to reply. Aren’t I rude?! To be fair to myself, I do get a few messages as well, and I do have to come on here when the parents aren’t around of course, and it is a full time job I’m doing, so maybe I should cut myself some slack. But look at me now, I’ve spent half an hour doing this diary entry. Maybe instead of saying how I’ve not replied and taking ages to talk about it, I should just reply right now! Not much point now really though. She wouldn’t remember me, and she’s probably got even more messages now. After all I did email her before the show went out.
Right, that’s enough…