Monday, 01 October 2007
It was my Nan’s Birthday do today. We went to a pub/restaurant near us and had a great Sunday dinner. It was ok, but I wasn’t happy about what I looked like (here we go again!). It’s not just the fact I’m male, but I don’t even have style as a guy. Today I wore black trousers and a blue jumper. It was plain, it was boring, it looked wrong. My body is slightly out of proportion in that my body is the part of me that’s tall, if my body was in proportion to my legs I’d be a lot shorter. That’s not saying my legs are a foot long, it’s just that they’re not quite right when it comes to perfection. I am a perfectionist, but I know I can’t really do anything about that, apart from wearing high-heeled shoes off course! I think I have a problem that runs deeper than my transgenderism. It’s that once I get into something, I want to be the absolute best there is! I can get very competitive, and if I fail, then I do get pretty upset with myself. Like this photography malarkey, I want to be a well known photographer, not just in the county, but the world. I want to make it big, and I’ll feel as if I’ve let myself down if I don’t do it. I really shouldn’t set my expectations too high.
This kind of thing goes with my transgenderism as well. I look at myself and I want to make myself prettier. I want to be the prettiest. I put my photos online sometimes just to get a reaction. I love it when I get emails. It feels like that’s the payment I get for making myself look good. But no matter how many I get, I still feel like I’m not as good as I could be. I look at other girls that are undeniably prettier than me, and I get so jealous it’s crazy. This is one of the things I’ve got to change if I want to live a stress free and happy life. I’ve got to let myself not be the best at things, and not get so emotionally involved when I realise I’m not the best. That is definitely my worst attribute, know doubt about it. But then again, without it I would have very little drive!
Ok, so in a bid once more to show myself off I’m going to upload a few of the pictures I took today. They’re very detailed, they look great when they’re big and currently the daisy is my background. I’m so pleased with my new camera! So many things I can do with it!
Ok, that’s all I’m going to say for now. I’ve really opened up tonight, maybe you can begin to work out how I tick. I’m not a horrible person, I don’t want to be the best because I want to see peoples faces when I beat them, no, I just feel I’d be letting myself down if I don’t do my best! I’m hoping this attitude with disappear when I have nothing to prove and just live my life as a female, but who knows, maybe its staying for life?!
Currently I’m…wondering if I am actually a nice person or not. I do try to be.